X called me after months of no contact.....need help.

[DestructoBoy]

It's been a long time since I felt the need to post about myself here.

 

My ex girl called me today and left a message. She sounded very upset and said she has been thinking about me a lot and misses me. She sounded like she was crying.

 

I hate to hear her upset. It makes my heart hurt to know she's upset.

I'm not sure what I should do? I want to call her and see how she is. I haven't called her or made any contact for a couple of months now. The last few contacts were instigated by her. She sent a rather long email in February then near the end of March she left another message for me saying she needed my help. I never wrote or called back.

 

Here's the stinger. I think about her all the time. Not one day has passed where I haven't thought about her. Lately I've been very sad and depressed. I'm doing well in school but finding a stable job has been very difficult. I haven't been myself lately. The depression has been very bad and is getting worse. Yet, the depression is not centralized around my ex for the first time. Though she is still a rather large part of it. I still have dreams about her and she has plagued my thoughts every day. I miss her more than anything and a part of me is still very much in love with her. I have met so many other women and have dated casually but nothing compares to her. I've only met one gal that makes me feel special and that I have feelings for, but she lives in another state far away from me.

 

I'm not sure what to do? If I call and hear that she just misses me and is still happy with the guy she started dating immediately after we broke I would die. But if I hear her tell me that she misses me and wishes I was still in her life I wouldn't know what to do?

 

I don't want to turn my back to her or close any doors forever. I feel that if I continue to ignore her I'll never be able to speak to her again. We were together for nearly 5 years and lived together for 3. We both screwed up at the end of our relationship. I still love her dearly. I just don't know if I should call?

 

Do I take a chance and call her? One of two things can happen. She is just sad right now (maybe broke up w/dude) and needs attention or she really just misses me as a friend and is still happy with her new guy. I'm not sure if I can offer her a friendship right now? Not when she is still in my heart.

 

I don't want to set myself up for more hurt. Actually the hurt has never completely disapeared....it's only grown less intense.

 

I don't know if it's a good idea to call her right now. I'm very vulnerable at this time in my life. I've been depressed and am lacking self-esteem and confidence. I don't need to be kicked in the ding ding again. I don't think I'd be able to portray myself as my normal confident self right now.

 

The no contact thing has finally worked for me I guess. I think she finally realizes that I'm not there anymore. For the longest time I called her and begged and cried and lost all dignity. Then I stopped completely. I think she liked knowing that I was still thinking about her and still wanted her back. It made her stronger and me crazier.

 

Does anyone have suggestions? I need help in a bad way and fast....before I break down and make a mistake w/out thinking.

[pete2002]

i have the EXACT same story.. as im sure others do... and i am sitting here waiting for everyone's replies..

 

thanks in advance....

 

my story.. broke up after 4 yrs... lots of fighting to get her back... and now she's dating someone else, sending me emails about how much she misses and asking to hang out and grab dinner... all while getting more serious i think with other guy, but im not sure of their status...

 

what shoudl i do.. shoudl i write back.. and if i do, what shoudl my tone be.. should i be honest and say i miss her, or shoudl i say to stop talking to me because i dont want to just be her buddy right now.

 

thanks

[DestructoBoy]

Self destruction........

 

Well, I called her. Without thinking it through. She sounded so upset when she left the message. She said she missed me a lot and was thinking about me. So I called.......

 

BIG MISTAKE! She answered and immediately sounded uncomfortable.

I thought because it was Easter she was at her mom's house (where I thought she was living) Nope.....she just moved into her own apartment today. She was going through some things and saw a picture of me. That's why she called. To top it off her boyfriend and his friend were over so she really couldn't talk. She said she just called to say hi......

 

So she's doing great. Well good, I am happy for her. But I can't help to feel somewhat set up? It's seems she needed to be reassured that I still cared about her and thought about her. She was only sad for a little bit before her boyfriend came over. Now she knows that I'm still upset and miss her.....I'm such a loser.

[avman]

Hey man, its ok. These things happen. You are NOT a loser. She just decided to satisfy herself at your expense. Just another good reason you are so much better off without her.

 

You've come a long way my friend. Let her live her own life. If she gets upset, so what. She's a big girl, and she can take care of herself. She's not your responsibility.

 

You just take care of YOU. If the hurt isn't gone, and the healing is still happening then don't talk to her. Don't reopen those wounds. You deserve better than that.

 

avman

[Michael2]

Hey destructo,

 

Havent heard from you in awhile. Sorry to hear about what happened.

 

You were strong for months and followed the no contact, then you slipped. Guess what man, it happens. Learn from it and move on.

 

She called to say hi, what a bunch of crap. She wanted to see how you were doing? But dont think too much into her calls or emails, sad to say, but she may be playing games.

 

Hang in there buddy!

[Hopingpraying]

Destructo,

 

Dang man sorry to hear that you called her... I had read your post but didn't get a chance to respond until now. Sorry to hear she just abused you more once you did call. Although this should increase your resolve the next time this happens.

 

A lot of people think the person that has moved on just immediately forgets you. I know for a fact this is not true. This is proof she probably thinks about you just as much as you do about her. Just be strong. Don't give in and make yourself a better person. You will find another probably when you least expect it!!

[Scout]

Actually, I think you did the very polite thing by calling her back - you had ignored her previous messages, and only called back when she resorted to leaving a misleadingly dramatic message on your machine, so she's the one that should feel she made a big mistake. Reminds me of the story of the little boy who cried wolf...well, she just screwed herself, because next time she calls and if she happens to have a real problem, than too bad...she blew her support system from you. Don't feel bad at ALL about calling her back...I know you're disappointed, but aren't you also a tiny bit relieved knowing you're not back on the rollercoaster with her? As for your depression, if you aren't seeing a therapist, you should consider doing so. Or even your physician - maybe he/she can prescribe you a light anti-depressant to help you get back on track. This is just a band-aid, but it can go a long way in helping you deal with the inner turmoil you're experiencing. Chin up - you're a decent person with normal compassion towards anyone that calls sounding like they're in extreme pain. SHE'S the schmuck.

[kungfumaster]

Baaaam! Destructo my man! You are by far not a loser! You were very kind and considerate, because hey - that's just the person you are! and in a moment of weakness - you had to make sure your former love was alright - and there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LOSER-ISH ABOUT THAT -more like CHIVAL-ROUS I must say - hey I just made a rhyme - I'm so proud of myself

 

Hey, I know you feel bad because that has set you back on your healing - but you should feel good that YOUR JUST A GOOD and CARING GUY (no comments please on "you have to be a jerk to get the ladies" - I hate that). The girl just doesn't know what she's missing. Her loss.

 

Hi yaaaah!

[DestructoBoy]

WOW!

 

Thank you EVERYONE for your fantastic responses and encouragement.

 

It has been a long time since I felt the need to post about myself. It is so nice to know I can still bring a problem or question here for advice. I was very happy to see a couple very familiar names reply.

 

Thank you all so much!!

 

Well she sent me a rather long email today. I'm going to put it under a new topic to see if anyone has any feedback on it.

 

You have all helped me a lot with this. Thanks and Praise to each and everyone of you!!

[Scout]

You're the first man that's ever realized how ludicrous the statement is that "you have to be a jerk to get the ladies". As a female with a somewhat healthy self-esteem, I loathe jerks - be they male or female. And whenever some guy says that, it just comes accross as a whiny cop-out. So, bravo to you for recognizing it's rubbish!