I feel so empty inside

[Dagless]

It's okay to ask why wildflower but it's true what they say, why is a lesson learnt in time. How long has it been, a year and a half? It's really not a long time. Some days you feel as if you are back at the beginning again but you are moving forward. It kind of like walking accross a beach and you have to turn over every pebble and rock you come accross and every time you do you feel sadness, sorrow, anger and regret but the beach doesn't go on forever. There are only so many pebbles.

[wildflower_65]

After two years I feel I have to make a concentrated effort to move on with my life. Over the last two years I have existed - a shell of my former self. I am so worn down down by it all. Now I feel I must save myself - I can't continue down this path and I feel the only way to change path is to remove all reminders of the man I loved (still love) from my life. It is so very very hard though and it feels like betrayal. I really don't know what to do. I need to live in the present but I spend most of my time looking fondly at the past or dreading the future. I don't how I will feel after I have got rid of everything. I hope better but if not I will not be able to replace the things

[raining.stars]

Hi Wildflower,

*Hugs* I also did the same thing, I couldn't look at his things anymore as if they were holding me back.

But they are just things the important thing is the love. The love is still there even if his things are not.

Is the dreading the future part a fear of leaving him behind? Because I don't think we leave our loved ones behind. The painful transition is the transitioning from a dynamic living breathing relationship to a relationship that exists only in your heart. The pain comes, I know with myself when I want the active love again - one you can feel and touch, one that makes new memories, but I have to accept the love left in my heart and soul. The impact of our loved one's love comes with us into the future - it was not destroyed with their bodies. It may not be here in the active form we would have liked, but it is just gently resting in our hearts wherever we go. I think it is about accepting the quiet legacy of love left and appreciating and releasing the living love that is gone. It doesn't make the love any less strong or important, just different, as if it has changed form. Living again is not betrayal, because we take those we love wherever we go even into the future.

 

I like this quote

We love those who died when we go on without them by our sides,

with lasting love for them in our hearts and with our hearts open again to the wonders of life on earth.

In our lasting love, we give symbolic immortality.

 

Attig

[wildflower_65]

Thank you for your wise words Raining Stars. It is a comfort when someone understands my dilemma because of their own experience. That is exactly it, I feel as if certain of my belongings are holding me back because of the association. Yes, I feel like I am leaving him behind but it is the feeling of betrayal that is stronger. You see I told him I would wear an item of jewellery in his memory and I have for two years but it is a constant reminder and I feel so worn down by my grief that I feel perhaps I shouldn't anymore. It is a simple decision but it is causing me so much stress. If feel that if I take it off I should get rid of it but tat would mean there is no going back.

[thejigsup]

wildflower, I lost my beloved bf of 11 years this past April. It was rough for awhile and I know too well the feeling of hopelessness and fear, of emptiness and tears. I was amazed by how much grief fatigues you. I slept in morning until it was time to go to work. I got angry at myself and enrolled in new Master's classes online and that gave me a goal. I work harder at work and got a promotion. Again, a goal achieved. My late bf was all about achievement and had no patience with me when I wasn't setting a new goal and going for it. I liked that as that is my natural way of living, so we got along that way. The grief comes and goes. You're fine for a while and then you fall back down into the pit of despair. Last night I was in the pit and heard my bf yell at me with these words (which he often used to stop me from overthinking things). I just heard his voice in my head saying, "Stop obsessing! It doesn't change anything. Get going and live. You can't lose me, I am in your heart and there I plan on staying." After that I realized I am still part of a couple, just a different kind of couple. He still loves me and I still love him. I am now looking forward to the future. I know I will still cry sometimes and feel sad, but I am done obsessing over it. It was making him angry and me miserable. I hope you find brighter days soon.

[Lonewing]

Always Good to hear from you, WF, always good!!

 

Boxes are amazing. After my Ex-gf - I know, it's a little differnet, but it's again also entirely the same - I had some stuff of hers I knew I couldn't stand to look at anymore. But I also knew that at that moment I was ripe to make rash decisions. I had computer files, for instance, which I could have deleted with ease. But I decided to do what was best - I saved them to a CD, and then deleted them off my Harddrive, and put the CD into the box with all the other "Forgetmenots" I buried into that box. And then I buried that box in my storage unit!!

 

Now I've been able to make use of things I couldn't stand to look at back then - things like the lamp with the bamboo nightshade. So you might do the same, quite simply pu tthese things away until you've come to a point where you're strong enough to carry those memories without them getting you down. I don't think he'd look down on you one bit; he'd probably completley understand!

 

Best of luck, kid!!

[chitown9]

Thank you chocolatecookies. I think a grief support group would help but unfortunately there isn't one in my area.

 

Why don't you start one?.....chi

[wildflower_65]

Oh I miss him with every ounce of my being and I know not why I feel it so intensely right now for we never even managed a Christmas. Just when you think progress has been made the ache returns and envelops you.

[Soulmatelgone]

Wild flower_65 I would like to talk with you one on one. I have recently lost my best friend and soul mate 2 1/2 weeks ago tragically and suddenly. I feel your pain and I think we can help each other somewhere. My email is email removed do you have any form of instant messenger?

[wildflower_65]

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your words. I have emailed you. You ought to set up your Enotalone profile to allow private messaging so that people can reach you when you are on here.

[Lonewing]

A good friend of mine lost her brother to cancer back in teh beginning of september and now she's not celebrating holidays. I hope she can pull up sooner or later!!

 

Head up noW~~!!

[wildflower_65]

I have changed my mind and decided not to leave my thoughts here but alas I cannot cancel this.

[wildflower_65]

When everyone's on my case and I am feeling stressed and and vulnerable, I still long for his arms and his words of reassurance. I don't think that will ever change. There was a synergy about us. He brought out the best in me and I brought the sunshine back into his life, with glorious results. I had never had that happen before and I am sure i'll never happen again for he has my heart. It has made everything else pale into insignificance.

[thejigsup]

Sometimes when we have had the best, we should retire from the dating game. I don't know how anyone could compare to my ex bf. He was tall, handsome, brilliant, and so funny my stomach hurt most of the time from laughing. We seldom fought or disagreed about anything and we always brought out the best in each other and had each other's back. There will never be another man like him and I'm really not looking to find a replacement. No one can measure up to him, no one.

[lukeb]

There will never be another man like him and I'm really not looking to find a replacement. No one can measure up to him, no one.

 

This goes without saying, you can find love again but it will never be a replacement for the one you lost. It wouldn't be fair to the person you're dating to look at him or her as a replacement. In the same vein it would be like saying I lost a child but I am going to make another one to replace the one I have lost, it simply doesn't work that way. Every relationship, the dynamics are completely different, and when you find love, you will love that person for different reasons and there will be different things that drive you crazy. If the person you lost did actually love you he/she would want you to find love again.

[thejigsup]

I am of the belief that when your partner dies, it is almost disloyal to love again. No one in my family has done that and it's been almost a year and I still do not want that. In fact, the thought makes me ill. In today's society it seems people are so easily replacable. That is not right.

[oceandream]

^^ Hi Jig, it is totally understandable and acceptable to never want to love again and I respect people's decisions to do so especially since it has only been a year.

 

However, I don't see loving again as a betrayal. I used to think the same way, until I read a quote which unfortunately I have lost now. The quote basically described how being able to love again after you lost a love one is a testament to how much you can love and did love your SO. So in a way loving again celebrates the love you had with your loved one who has died, because your loved one showed you such love that you want to experience it again. It was way more poetic and insightful than the way I described sorry!

 

Also I don't believe love is finite, there is plenty of room to love others in one's heart and soul. I don't see it as an act of replacement, noone can ever replace anyone. But love is giving; and loving someone else doesn't take away the love you had or have for the loved one you have lost.

[Jayson1982]

Hi, I know how you feel, I've lost a loved one not because of death, but of relationship, and I've lost a close friend before years ago because of death. I would be miserable too. I hope you can get through this, and remember from previous post, it's the love you had, that's what counts.

[thejigsup]

I guess I wasn't raised to love romantically again after a death. I do love people, my friends, my son, my family, etc... I also love my pets. But another lover? No. Can't go there. That may change but I think I'm like my mother in that aspect. She never even looked at another man after my father died. I consider myself retired.

[oceandream]

^^ Yup as long as your happy jig thats all that matters. My Great Aunt lost her fiance in her early 20's and never was involved with another man again and she lived til over 100. I lost my boyfriend 4 years ago and haven't been with anyone since, but I am open to loving again in the future if I found the right person.

[Dagless]

When everyone's on my case and I am feeling stressed and and vulnerable, I still long for his arms and his words of reassurance. I don't think that will ever change. There was a synergy about us. He brought out the best in me and I brought the sunshine back into his life, with glorious results. I had never had that happen before and I am sure i'll never happen again for he has my heart. It has made everything else pale into insignificance.

 

I remember feeling like this for a long time. I feared that I would forever be in some kind of limbo state, forever missing something I could never replace. I voiced my fears to a person, who too had lost someone when they were young and had since gone on to love again, and I'll tell you what she said to me:

"No one is ever "replaced" as we all new and unique, but you will find someone else whom is just as amazing in their OWN personhood and whom you will fall in love with for THEIR uniqueness....

 

...I know others whom also lost life partners, and were able to fall in love again....it happens everyday. It just takes time, and is something not to rush and worry about right now, as you are still grieving. Be patient with yourself,

and be patient with your fears too."

 

This bit of advice, this little bit of wisdom helped me a lot. It made me realize that there is a time for dealing with what your heart holds in the present and a time to think about what you may find in the future. Right now you have to contine to grieve for him because your heart is full for him. That love you feel does not go away but the pain will.

[thejigsup]

It would take a very amazing man with a lot of understanding and patience. I don't know if that is possible. Am I open to it? Not at this time, but I never say never. It will be a long time, if ever, before I love again.

[Dagless]

Feelings change over time jig, who knows what the future may bring. You'll be surprised how understanding, patient and loving some people can be.

[wildflower_65]

I think about taking a positive step towards my future and moving on but then I it occurs to me that I have been joyless for so long I no longer know what brings me joy. All the things I used to enjoy and get passionate about no longer reach me. Maybe I can no longer experience that feeling. Perhaps it is gone forever.

[wildflower_65]

Today I have got rid of virtually every reminder I have of my beloved. I have been sick in bed for a few days and the time away from work gave me the opportunity to fully consider it. This morning it seemed like the right thing to do - a positive step to future. Now I find I am trying to convince myself he didn't love me as he did and looking for flaws. It isn't true of course. He spent the last weeks of his life telling me how much he adored me and he would fight to remain with me. Experiencing true love like that makes it very difficult to move on.