wildflower_65 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 "Have you ever thought, when something dreadful happens, a moment ago things were not like this; let it be then not now, anything but now? And you try and try to remake then, but you know you can't.So you try to hold the moment quite still and not let it move on and show itself. MARY STEWART I was facing a challenge today and had just stopped to think before I approached it when I had a dawning realization that made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I realized the last time it happened my beloved was alive, well and offering me encouragement. It was only a short time ago but in that short space of time my life has changed beyond all recognition. I had never really thought about in that way and it shocked me. To think we were blissfully unaware of what lay ahead and how precious the time was we were sharing. I ache to recapture that time but I know I cannot. Link to comment
Dagless Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 There will be more of these realizations. Sometimes you already know them but suddenly it's as if the truth of them sinks in. It's not enough to know, you have to feel them too. They hurt but in a way you have to give each one the time and pain it deserves. Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 You are so right Dagless about already knowing but it just not having sunk in. I knew there would be moments like that but I thought they would be around anniversaries. This kind of crept up on me and the reality of what has happened suddenly hit - hard. It was a painful moment of clarity. Link to comment
sidehop Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Stay strong, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, I cannot imagine what you're going through. I was ready to tear up when I read KG's story but what strong heart and love he has. We may be strangers but hope you feel better each day. Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 Today was not good. Someone told me something about my beloved which reinforced how much he loved me. I was at work so I had to carry on as normal when inside I felt like screaming. I managed to choke it back but had that pain in the throat you get when you are trying to suppress emotion like that. I wish I had one more chance to tell him I love him. But I can't and that causes this terrible ache deep inside. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Of course you can still tell him you love him! Feel it in your heart and send it to him in a prayer. He will get it, even though he knows how you feel already. I do this with departed loved ones often. Trust me, they know. Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Thejigsup, I do still tell him I love him but I would like one more opportunity to tell him and have him respond. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I crashed this afternoon after being in orbit around breakfast time. It's quite cyclic, i think, depending on the time of day and when i've had food. I need to go to sleep soon...yep Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 I start to feel a little better then something will trigger a memory and I come crashing down even further. It leaves me totally drained of energy and emotion so fragile. Link to comment
KG Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I start to feel a little better then something will trigger a memory and I come crashing down even further. It leaves me totally drained of energy and emotion so fragile. That's normal, but it will taper off as time goes on. Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 I busied myself sorting through papers when I got home as it was an emotionally taxing day and I wanted to occupy my mind with other things rather than dwelling on painful memories. In the course of doing this I found something I had searched high and low for but was unable to find when my beloved was alive. I have great difficulty with things like this - facing up to the fact that the moment has gone forever and cannot be recaptured no matter how much anguish it causes. I need to earn to let it go instead of allowing it to upset me so. Link to comment
Dagless Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Learning to let things go sometimes means it has to hurt when you first realize them. It's okay to look back at things, at moments gone and cry. They are worth crying for, what you lost is worth crying for. So don't think that you should just let these feeling go because they will fade when they are ready. Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 I did the most stupid thing tonight. My beloved was a good dancer but I never learned to dance. It was one of our plans for the future. Tonight, I decided to go along to a beginners dance class. I didn't really feel like going but it is something I had been meaning to do for a year so I went anyway. I wanted to make him proud and I thought dancing might help my mood too. It was an unmitigated disaster. It was very cliquish and there was nobody to partner me despite them advertising that no partner was needed. I felt like the kid that wasn't picked for the team and it just served to rub my nose in the fact I am on my own now. I held it together whilst I was there but couldn't stop crying on the way home. I don't know what I was thinking. It was too much to soon. I think I have to be kind to myself and take things much slower. I am feeling totally wiped out by the whole experience and the confidence I once had seems to have deserted me. Link to comment
KG Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 ^^Baby steps, Wildflower, baby steps. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Wildflower, you did something yesterday that was very brave. Yes, perhaps it did not turn out like it should have, but in going you faced up to going somewhere that seems outright scary to me. Silver lining - you went. Someday you will return there with your partner, but today you went, you saw, and now you know. Now pick back up something you always loved doing [not necessarily something he loved doing] and refind yourself! I wish you much luck in reclaiming your life! Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Wildflower, you did something yesterday that was very brave. Yes, perhaps it did not turn out like it should have, but in going you faced up to going somewhere that seems outright scary to me. Silver lining - you went. Someday you will return there with your partner, but today you went, you saw, and now you know. Now pick back up something you always loved doing [not necessarily something he loved doing] and refind yourself! I wish you much luck in reclaiming your life! Thank you Lonewing. At the time I didn't think of it like that. It just felt like it had set me back a long way putting myself in that situation as I am quite shy. I am trying to refind myself but it seems the old me has scarpered. Things I used to feel passionate about no longer have the same draw for me and the goals I had seem no longer relevant. But I shall continue to search as things like that were always important to me. Thank you for your encouragement. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I kno how you feel in regards to old interests having lost their luster; ever since my ex dumped me, I have had absolutely no desire to even think about my model railroad hobby, ahem, afliction, ahem, addiciton. I don't even find joy talking about the subject with my online friends whom I talk to about these things - and I used to spend hours talking about this stuff with them. It just stopped being important - the joy is gone. On the other hand, I did finally get the drive to buy a mouthpiece for my new vintage Tenor sax so I finally got to play it after buying it about 2 years ago. It has some quirks that need to be worked out, but I do love the look and feel of it. Gorgeous 1930's silverplate!! today I'm not even interested in doing my PT, which is rather bad because I leave for Basic Training in two weeks. I haven't been in the mood all week, it seems. It feels like what is coming will be relief, even if it I suddenly have to do more than I have ever had to do in my life! This new phase of my life is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, since I will be departed soon, I do not have the time to go and find myself someone new to be with - it would not be fair to her if we had one date and then suddenly I was gone. And I am further wary of seeking someone out or connecting with someone in this time because soon my life will be completely somethign a lot different than what it is now. On the otherhand, I am still riding my body of the emotional baggage that is the remnants of my feelings for my Ex. And I cannot be fair to the next woman until those feelings are gone and buried for all time's sake. I need time to pass for those wounds to heal, and it won't just happen tomorrow. And this new phase of my ife is going to establish a full new sense of self that I do not have right now, and in a sense that is the single greatest part of what I am doing with my furture. All this means is that in 6 months I will be ready to love again. I will be a stronger, smarter, older, wiser and more mature person. The boy will be no more, and in his place will stand a man, at long last! Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Lonewing, best of luck with your basic training and your future plans. I like your approach to the future and hope that you find contentment when you are ready to love again Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 I miss him loving me and I can't bear the fact that I won't feel his love ever again. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 You WILL feel his love again - perhaps not BY him, but THROUGH another. His greatest gift is that he has taught you what love feels like, so you won't be so easily tricked when a new person comes along. You will know honest love when you find it, and you will not be so careless to let it go like so many are in this day and age! Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 Every weekend it's the same. I am not at work so I have time to think about things - painful things which cause an ache deep inside. I try not too by being kind to myself and doing something I feel like but my thoughts alway return to the same place. It leaves me feeling so depleted - I just manage to gather myself in time for Monday morning. Link to comment
Dagless Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Weekend were tough for me too Wildflower. Love is always pulling us towards things, people and places. It's so difficult when that pull is so strong but the places you want to go don't exist and the person you want to be with is gone. It takes time for the heart to understand those things. These feeling will fade in time. Just take each weekend as they come. ((Hugs)) Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 Weekend were tough for me too Wildflower. Love is always pulling us towards things, people and places. It's so difficult when that pull is so strong but the places you want to go don't exist and the person you want to be with is gone. It takes time for the heart to understand those things. These feeling will fade in time. Just take each weekend as they come. ((Hugs)) I suppose it is only to be expected that the weekends are worse than the weekdays but I guess I thought that I would begin to feel a little better when in fact it has gotten worse. I had to make a big effort to leave my bed and face the world yesterday. It scares me that this is my life now. I have always managed to find something to hang on to and help pull me through in bad times but with this it is like everything is smashed to smithereens - there is nothing. Link to comment
Dagless Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 There is no time scale for these kind of feelings. You will start to feel better but it is a gradual proccess. This is just the place you have to be right now. Everything may seem broken but there will be a time where you can start again, move on. Link to comment
wildflower_65 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 I find it difficult to find a point on the horizon to head for now this utterly amazing and totally unique individual is gone and so have all our dreams. I should have been planning our wedding in Italy but in fact now I plan how to get through the day without falling apart. We were to start a family but now I try to plan my life alone. I can't even enjoy the memories as they usually lead me somewhere and the tears start. I wish I could find some meaning or reason in all this. It is just so cruel and painful. Link to comment
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