I feel so empty inside

[Dagless]

Hi wildflower, It's okay to feel this way about the world right now. It does all feel like a dream, the reality you were living in has changed and that is difficult to come to terms with. A large part of how we move forward in our lives is how we see our future that we move into. When suddenly the path that you want to take is gone it takes time to see a new one, it takes time for you to see a future that you can push yourself into.

Until then it does feel like everything comes to a stand still but keep going, keep getting through the days.

[wildflower_65]

I know I must take things slowly and surrender to the grief process but I am scared. It is as if I have lost myself and I can't find my way back. I can't even get back to the me before I met my beloved. Everything has changed - my old coping mechanisms no longer work for me and the things that once brought me joy don't have that draw for me anymore. It frightens me that I won't be able to find a path to the future.

[Dagless]

We can't rewind, we can only move forward. Time does that, even if you don't want it too. I got myself in to a simple routine, something I could do no matter how I was feeling. It got me through the days, it kept me going, it gave me a reason not to completely shut down.

You don't need to worry about the future because it will come, no matter what happens the future is always there.

[wildflower_65]

We would have been going on holiday together soon. I am still taking the time off work as a I feel so spent but I don't think I will be going away. I am desperate to escape but I don't think I could cope with going it alone. I don't know how I'm going to cope with a week at home without work to fill my time and my mind. I feel I ought to do something to help myself through nightmare this but I can't think of anything as I am finding it difficult to gather my thoughts. Deciding what to wear each morning is a challenge at the moment

[Dagless]

Day by day wildflower, that's all you can do.

[KG]

Wildflower,

Based on my experience, it might be wise to avoid taking time off right now. It will leave you alone, staring at the walls, and it will hard. The only thing that got me through this stage was working, and caring for my son.

[wildflower_65]

Thank you for your advice KG but the time off is booked now and I feel I will start to unravel if I do not take it. I have thought about what you have said though and also something Dagless said (having a routine) so I shall endeavour to keep myself busy and structure my days during my time off. I have decided to spend my time "paying it forward" as I think it will be a fitting way to celebrate the life of a man that was so loving, caring and thoughtful. It also means the great love he showed will continue on like ripples through water.

[wildflower_65]

Having a bad day. I ache for him so and long to feel his touch but he gone from me forever. I can't stop the tears. God I miss him so very very much.

[Dagless]

I'm sorry you are having a bad day wildflower ((Hugs)) It's okay just to cry, let it out. Cry all you need to.

[wildflower_65]

I know crying is all part of the process and once I start I just go with it. In someways though it makes me feel weak and like I have surrendered my life to it especially when I think of the fight that my beloved put up to stay by my side. It is like my fight has all gone. I just don't know anymore.

[Dagless]

It's not weak in anyway to cry, it's just a reflection on the feelings you feel on the inside. It's not about surrendering yourself or letting them over come you. It's about knowing that sometimes feelings are so strong that you have to let them just flow and let them do what they have to do.

[wildflower_65]

I don't think it is weak to cry it is just that the way I was feeling yesterday it made me feel so. I just wanted to sob and hide away from the world. I guess I am not very good at just letting my feelings flow and let them do what they have to do. The relentlessness and intensity of it scares me at times so I begin to fight it when I should just let it be.

[waveseer]

I am sometimes overwhelmed with grief, sadness, pain, hurt, and heartache. It helps me to remind myself that feeling it will not cause me to self destruct in any way. I will be okay.

[wildflower_65]

It helps me to remind myself that feeling it will not cause me to self destruct in any way.

 

Thanks waveseer - you "hit the nail on the head". It makes me fear I'm falling apart when really I suppose it is helping to restore me. I have to learn to go with it I guess.

[waveseer]

Thanks waveseer - you "hit the nail on the head". It makes me fear I'm falling apart when really I suppose it is helping to restore me. I have to learn to go with it I guess.

 

A feeling embraced never hurt anyone. A feeling repressed, repulsed, regurgitated, renounced, or rescinded has caused great amounts of pain and suffering.

[wildflower_65]

Difficult day - we should have been on our way to meet each other now for a romantic week together but now he is dead and I must try to live life without him.

[Dagless]

I'm sorry wildflower (((hugs))) Just get though the day anyway you can.

[wildflower_65]

Thanks Dagless. It is a comfort to know someone understands especially when those around me seem to be so uncomfortable with my grief.

[Dagless]

It's difficult for them to know what to say or how to act, I know. Sometimes I found that it was best for me to talk about it to people, to make the first move as it were and you just kind of know who is comfortable with you talking about it and those who aren't.

 

Do you have someone you can vent to?

[KG]

Thanks Dagless. It is a comfort to know someone understands especially when those around me seem to be so uncomfortable with my grief.

 

A lot of people don't know how to act around the recently bereaved. They usually aren't sure how you are feeling. This happened a lot in my case.

 

But when I brought up her name, they dropped their guard a bit, they saw I was comfortable talking about her, so they did also.

 

It will get easier for you, hun.

[wildflower_65]

Sometimes I found that it was best for me to talk about it to people, to make the first move as it were and you just kind of know who is comfortable with you talking about it and those who aren't.

 

Do you have someone you can vent to?

 

I have tried to talk to people about it because I feel I need to talk it out but they just seem uncomfortable. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I am the person people usually come to with their troubles and they aren't used to seeing me like this. So no at the moment I don't have anyone to vent to which hurts.

[wildflower_65]

But when I brought up her name, they dropped their guard a bit, they saw I was comfortable talking about her, so they did also.

 

It will get easier for you, hun.

 

Thanks KG. I have tried. Only this evening I tried twice because I am very feeling upset because of the day but holding it in. The first response was that I should try thinking about something else and the second was we'll talk about it later. Both were members of my family. It just makes me feel more alone.I don't know what I'd do without ENA.

[Misakime]

I am sorry that you are feeling alone with your grief. I have been in a similar situation and would just like you to know that just because people close to you dont understand a situation that is out of their comfort zone, it doesnt mean that what you had is lessened somehow. You know what you felt and what you shared. Stay true to yourself and look for comfort outside of those who dont understand. Pain is real and that is what you have to try to overcome. I hope for you that you can eventually see the things in your life that remind you of what made you happy with him and do things that you know would have made him proud of you. After a long time i could feel him with me in simple things in life as if he is guiding me towards a better time for me. Try to focus on being open to feeling those things from him and not on the negativity around you.

[wildflower_65]

After a long time i could feel him with me in simple things in life as if he is guiding me towards a better time for me. Try to focus on being open to feeling those things from him and not on the negativity around you.

 

In the days shortly after he died I could feel him with me but I haven't felt this for a while now which just adds to the feeling of being alone. Like you say perhaps I need to focus on being open to the feelings rather than the negativity. Thank you Misakime.

[wildflower_65]

In seven weeks I went from discussing wedding plans to discussing last wishes. Things changed so quickly I still can't quite believe it happened - it is almost like it happened to someone else. I guess that is why I needed talk. I have decided that if those around me don't wish to listen then I shall journal. I don't need someone in my corner - for the only person that really mattered isn't here anyway. I need to get through this and make him proud of me by living my life to the full.