I feel so empty inside

[Dagless]

Now I find I am trying to convince myself he didn't love me as he did and looking for flaws.

 

This is a normal thing to do I think, I know I did it. It is a way of devaluing what we have lost so that it doesn't seem so painful. In time you learn to see things in their true light, how they really were and for their true worth. Experiencing true love is a rare thing and losing it is devastating but moving on isn't about leaving things behind but learning how to carry it with you.

[wildflower_65]

It is almost three years since my beloved was taken from me. In some ways there has been great progress - I no longer cry on a daily basis only holding it together during the hours of work. In other ways there has been no progress or even regression - the passion I once had for many things has been extinguished and try as I might I haven't been able to rekindle it. I try to feign it in the vain hope that it will miraculously return but I don't truly feel it so very quickly all my good intentions fall by the way side. Truth be told, I set out to achieve things then my inner voice asks, "What is the point when you know all your hopes, dreams, joy etc can be dashed in an instant and changed irrevocably forever?" To be honest I cannot answer that. Perhaps it should have been me not him. He had such strength of character I don't think he would have spent three years just existing. I wonder if you ever manage to shake this feeling that something inside you has died.

[murdock604]

Please don't think that way, I can't imagine he'd want you to feel this way either.

 

I can't say anything else that's helpful, only that we're here for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

[wildflower_65]

Four years have passed since I start this thread and sometimes I am filled with a great yearning - I want to experience a love like that once more. I feel so guilty about it though. What I really want is him and to feel the way I did with him in my life but that can never be. Even after all this time I ache at the thought. It is so...painful...so final.

[Lonewing]

I thought of you this past summer, I was wondering how you're doing - it's really good to hear you're doing better - at least, it sounds like you're doing better!

 

I do hope you can come to peace with your guilt, because there is a severe shortage of people as devoted as you in this world. You CAN and will feel like you did when he was in your life, even if he's not immediately there, and you know he'd want you to enjoy that relationship.

 

Keep your heart up!

[wildflower_65]

I don't visit here often anymore but sometimes it feels comforting to do so. It is made even more so when I log on and find a familiar name online. Thanks for your kind words Lonewing. I was in contact with Dagless recently and he described grief as something you carry with you. It doesn't leave you but it gradually becomes lighter and less apparent. I would agree with him. In the beginning, the gaps between the grief were fleeting; now, there are times when I almost think it has disappeared for good and then something will happen to remind me it is still there. Take care my friend.

[Lonewing]

When you truly love someone, when they truly love you, that sense of them being lost never truly leaves. It's hard in the beginning, and there will be days it's really rough, but it's a sure sign of respect, to honor them with such memories now and then.

 

I lost my brother a few years back, It's rough but, well...what can we do now, but honor them by living our life to the fullest as we can?

[wildflower_65]

I hear what you are saying Lonewing but it is keeping it to just now and then that is the problem. I guess it is because I have just been made redundant so my mood is low and I have more time on my hands to think about what might have been and how much I miss him still. It is somewhat scary though after 4 years to feel as bad as this again as I thought I'd dealt with it. I am trying to honour him by living a full life but right now it seems that life is conspiring against this plan. Guess it is just a matter of sucking it up and getting on with it as there are people out their dealing with much worse. It just feels like once again the fire or the fight has gone out in me which causes me great disquiet.

[kz91]

When I read stuff like this, I literally have no words because I don't know what to say. It's just cruel.

[wildflower_65]

Yes it was cruel. I spent the whole time thinking this cannot be happening. I thought I'd wake up and it would have just been a bad dream or that whoever is in charge would say enough is enough and let us lead the life we'd planned together. It left me utterly shattered to the point that a friend described me as the husk of my former self but I have been left with insider knowledge of the grief process and compassion for anyone who finds themselves making that journey.

[wildflower_65]

No matter how hard I try, there is always one question on my lips - why? It haunts me in a way as somehow I need to understand watch happened but I know I will never get any answers.

[wildflower_65]

"I have a theory that grief is actually a form of love. Because we never grieve what we haven't loved. Grief is the shadow side of love. It's there to heal our hearts - so that we can love again.

It's actually part of love. And by denying it, not understanding it, and not going through the process, it's like we're not completing the transformation. Grief is the gift of love. And then we are ready for the next chapter"

Rocking The Life Unexpected by Judy Day

[wildflower_65]

In 4 days, it will be 5 years since my love died. I remember finding this site as I searched the net in a haze of grief and reading the posts by KG, Dagless and 15 Storeys. I found their words comforting in the midst of my utter despair. Their stories inspired me at a time when I didn't know how to make it through a day. Thank you guys. I hope some joy and love has returned to your lives.