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I feel so empty inside


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Eight weeks ago the man I was to marry died and it was as if something has died inside me too. Ours was a whirlwind romance that was completely unexpected but so right it was as if destiny had taken a hand. It was like a dream come true and we happily planned our future together scarcely able to believe what had happened. But no sooner had we declared our love for each other than the dream turned to a complete nightmare and the sands of time started to ebb away as if someone had turned over an hourglass. He was given months to live but that soon changed to weeks. I have never loved someone as much as I loved him and I have never been loved back the way he loved me. I can't begin to imagine ever loving anyone else that much again. I feel changed forever but nobody seems to understand how distraught I feel about his death. I think it is because we met online and it was a whirlwind romance - for them it doesn't seem to count. Is it possible to ever recover from this?

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I know exactly how you feel... i lost someone i was with 8 months ago suddenly... noone will be able to understand..... until you meet someone that has lost someone... its hard to fully grasp... how loss guts you from the inside out... i am very sorry for your loss! but you came to the right place... there are alot of us on this site that has been through what you been through.. who cares how you met, its the love that you shared and the loss you feel that matters most!!

 

stay strong, dont be afraid to cry as much as you want, and reach out as often as you need too.

 

God bless..

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I'm so sorry wildflower ((hugs)). You are right to feel distraught, completely and utterly, you loved him how else is there to feel. I lost my girlfriend almost 19 months ago and I can tell you that you can recover from this, slowly and gradually you do.

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Thank you for taking the time to respond to what I posted. You have no idea what a comfort it is to hear from people that understand. Unfortunately those around me don't - to the point that someone suggested I might get over it more quickly if I didn't talk about it. They seem to be of the opinion that because we didn't get the chance to stand the test of time that I should not be feeling this much grief or because it was a whirlwind romance I should recover at a similar speed.

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You have no idea what a comfort it is to hear from people that understand. Unfortunately those around me don't - to the point that someone suggested I might get over it more quickly if I didn't talk about it.

 

I can't believe someone suggested this to you, how insensitive. I think the worst thing you can do is keep things bottled up inside. You feel how you feel and it doesn't matter if you were together 5 minutes or 50 years.

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Thank you for taking the time to respond to what I posted. You have no idea what a comfort it is to hear from people that understand. Unfortunately those around me don't - to the point that someone suggested I might get over it more quickly if I didn't talk about it. They seem to be of the opinion that because we didn't get the chance to stand the test of time that I should not be feeling this much grief or because it was a whirlwind romance I should recover at a similar speed.

 

There is no right or wrong amount of time to grieve, nor is there a right or wrong way to grieve. We all grieve differently and that is okay. It is our grief. Only you know what you shared with him and no one will ever be able to take that from you.

 

I know it's very cliche, but time will help to heal your wounds. So many of us here that have posted about grief felt like we were just going to roll over and die from the pain but over time, we start to heal and day by day it gets a little easier.

 

Sending you big hugs....

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Each morning I wake up I don't know how it's going to be for me emotionally. Yesterday morning I felt okay and it continued throughout the day but the tears came in the evening in a great deluge that felt like it would never stop. I keep getting this awful hot, panicked feeling when I realize there is something I didn't get to ask him or tell him and now I can't. The dawning finality of it makes me feeling sick to the pit of my stomach.

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I have been so lost in my grief that I have lost track of time and now I have realized a special date is looming. The thought of it fills me with dread. You see we planned a trip - we were to travel from our corners of the globe to meet up. A time where we could just be - the two of us. One thing I do know was that he planned to propose to me. I can't help but imagine the moment in my mind's eye but it is torment and makes me ache for him. I find myself unable to sleep and sitting at my computer in the wee small hours crying as I type at the mere thought. He wouldn't be very proud of me at the moment caving in the way I am and barely functioning. I am ashamed at my own lack of resilience. I want to honour his love for me by living my life well but I can't sleep, eat or think at the moment. Getting out of bed and going to work is a challenge.

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I want to honour his love for me by living my life well but I can't sleep, eat or think at the moment. Getting out of bed and going to work is a challenge.

 

The honoring his love with the kind of life you live will come in time. Don't worry or even think about that now. You are in survival mode, and that's all you need to be concerned with: making yourself show up for life every day, and putting conscious awareness into every act of kindness for yourself, including the basics, like making a meal, making your bed, showering. Take care of yourself the way he would take care of you, and that will be honoring him right now, in the present.

 

People have all kinds of ridiculous and arrogant "formulas" for what love is. How it should arise, how long it should take, what form it should take. Love doesn't get concocted from a cookbook. Every love is unique. Every situation is different. And so no one has the right to tell you what your heart knows. You know it, and it's as good as any other heart knows.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened. But keep talking about it, keep letting yourself feel. Posting here is great, as there are many people here who will listen. There are many forums on this board about love, but there is no forum that reflects the depth of love eternal the way this one does. It makes my heart ache that the ones who know how to love the best, have lost like this. But you will get through this and be able to feel alive again, not just as if you're surviving. The sun will feel warm again. Just stay the course.

 

Sending lots of hugs and warm vibrations your way...

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He wouldn't be very proud of me at the moment caving in the way I am and barely functioning. I am ashamed at my own lack of resilience. I want to honour his love for me by living my life well but I can't sleep, eat or think at the moment. Getting out of bed and going to work is a challenge.

 

Now is not the time to be resilient or strong, now is the time to be human. There will be a time to live your life but right now all you can do is function the best you can while you feel all the things you have to feel. You may not think it but you are honouring your love for him right now, as you grieve for him. The pain you feel is a testament to the love you feel for him but trust me, when the pain is gone you will still feel the love. That doesn't fade.

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I feel as if I am inside a snow globe that someone has shaken up. Everything has changed or is it simply me that has changed. I am angry about the way certain people have behaved towards me since my beloved's death but I can't gather my thoughts enough to vent my feelings in a posting. I'm like a maelstrom of emotion and I don't know what to do with it.

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People have all kinds of ridiculous and arrogant "formulas" for what love is. How it should arise, how long it should take, what form it should take. Love doesn't get concocted from a cookbook. Every love is unique. Every situation is different. And so no one has the right to tell you what your heart knows. You know it, and it's as good as any other heart knows....

 

I know the only thing that really matters in all this is my love for him and his love for me but when close family just don't understand it adds to the grief you are feeling. Since his death his family have effectively shut me out. I wasn't able to be with him in the days before he died (through circumstances beyond my control) which is something that weighs heavily on my mind. I don't understand why things have turned out like this - all I did was love him and try to be there for him. I have so many unanswered questions and more I think about it the more distressed I get.

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I sent a letter several weeks ago and I am still waiting for a response. I just don't understand what I have done to make them behave in this way. If I have done something to upset them it was unintentional. I guess I have no choice but to move on. I just can't stop thinking about the letter and the fact I will never know what he wanted to tell me. I hope that with time their feelings change.

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Yesterday I wanted to run from it all. I felt overwhelmingly tired and hollow but my mind was constantly on the go thinking about everything that happened and trying to make sense of it. I longed for a moments stillness to consider what I should be doing but it wasn't to be. Today I took myself off to the park where I lay on the grass with my iPod on loud. I soaked up the sun and listened to our songs. It was amazing - a feeling of serenity washed over me and it felt as if my beloved was with me. My panic washed away and though silent tears fell I wasn't holding back sobs like I normally am.

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Yesterday I wanted to run from it all. I felt overwhelmingly tired and hollow but my mind was constantly on the go thinking about everything that happened and trying to make sense of it. I longed for a moments stillness to consider what I should be doing but it wasn't to be. Today I took myself off to the park where I lay on the grass with my iPod on loud. I soaked up the sun and listened to our songs. It was amazing - a feeling of serenity washed over me and it felt as if my beloved was with me. My panic washed away and though silent tears fell I wasn't holding back sobs like I normally am.

 

That's a part of the grieving process. There is no "set" way to grieve, it's whatever form it takes on. My wife died 2 yeatrs ago, and I cannot remember anything about the months that followed. I went to group counseling, and that helped me realise that I was not alone in my grief.

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I know the only thing that really matters in all this is my love for him and his love for me but when close family just don't understand it adds to the grief you are feeling. Since his death his family have effectively shut me out. I wasn't able to be with him in the days before he died (through circumstances beyond my control) which is something that weighs heavily on my mind. I don't understand why things have turned out like this - all I did was love him and try to be there for him. I have so many unanswered questions and more I think about it the more distressed I get.

 

I think I may be missing something in your story...I've re-read your posts to find out where he wrote a letter to YOU, that he intended to send. I am getting that you sent a letter to his family a few weeks ago, but I'm not completely clear on the letter you're saying he wrote to you? Am I gathering that right, that you know for a fact that he wrote a letter intended for you, that his family is withholding from you? Did he tell you about this letter and something he wanted to say in it, before he passed?

 

I'm just trying to straighten out in my own mind the facts of the situation about them keeping this letter of his, and that you are sure he actually wrote something. If so, did he tell you why he wasn't sending it immediately? Did he want you to read it after he was already gone?

 

I hope that's not too much probing, I just am a bit confused about what his intentions were (and what you knew for sure of them), and what his family is withholding. Because some of those details might lead to some better idea of what the circumstances/givens are, and how they relate to your feelings of lack of closure with the correspondence -- at least that much.

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Something I really can't understand and I wish I knew the answer to is - why did it happen like this? Why did destiny/fate/serendipity let our paths cross allowing us to fall deeply in love only to wrench us apart in the cruelest most final of manners? It feels like I am being punished for something. I hope with all my heart that I find him again someday.

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Thank you for asking Metrogirl. I feel more on top of things emotionally at the moment but that makes me nervous as when I have felt like that before during the day I end up falling apart later in the day. I have also realized that no matter how upset I get I can't change things - he is dead and he will not be sharing the rest of my life with me. I also feel like I don't want love anymore if I can't be loved by him.

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I normally find the weekends difficult but this weekend was bearable and in fact I woke ready to face the working week for a change. That was until I heard the lovely new song by Sharon Corr - "It's Not A Dream". The lyrics took me somewhere else, only for me things are now the other way around "it's not reality, it's a dream". Now I don't feel like facing the world - I want to take sanctuary in my bed but I can't. It is strange - when your beloved dies it is as if your world stops in its tracks and it is difficult to see life around you carrying on as normal. God I hate the way a low point can appear from nowhere and envelope you just when you think you've escaped it.

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