Let's try this again. Compromising on shopping for our new home

[MissKnowitall]

My bf and I are very excited about moving in together. We were approved a couple weeks ago and are moving in at the beginning of August.

 

We are getting all new furniture together. New as in we didn't own it ourselves not necessarily brand new from the store. We have very different ideas on how to go about making purchases and what purchases to make. I would like to keep it simple to start by getting things that we need first. He's excited and kind of thinking all over the place wanting to get power tools for yard work and we do not even have a yard. He is also wanting to collect antiques ie: nicknacks and stuff we don't need and I don't want our place to end up looking like his relatives' homes. Not to be harsh because I don't want it to sound like I'm too good for their lifestyle but furniture is piled to the ceilings, boxes of junk stacked to the ceilings and there is literally no room to move or sit. When we go over for dinner we literally prepare meals on the boxes in the kitchen and there is nowhere to sit. I don't expect to live in a museum or show home but I do not wish to live that way.

 

He does not currently live that way but his family wants to gift him with things they don't need or use that they think he would like. Its a nice gesture but we don't have any storage space and although our condo is quite large there isn't alot of room for boxes of stuff we don't use/need.

 

Being thrifty is cool but its not necessary. I am open to garage sales, estate auctions, and looking for great deals but would like to avoid thrift stores if possible. He is really set on going to Goodwill stores because that's where he has always shopped. I understand he grew up having very little and spending money is frivolous to him but we can afford nice things without using credit, borrowing, or cutting into savings.

 

We obviously have different ideas. Are there any suggestions at how we can make a home together where we both feel comfortable?

[XxJustMexX]

I know this sounds a little cut and dry... but how bout take the places you want to shop at, and the places he does... then go shop at them all? I mean you can't possibly find everything you need in one place so why not just compromise and shop where ever you both want to? You can't possibly only shop where you want, or where he wants, so just buy whatever you need or want in whatever store and try them all...

[MissKnowitall]

That's a good idea. Any thoughts on the "gifts"? I don't wish to be rude but we don't have the space or need for the stuff.

[abitbroken]

There are a lot of brand new items and designer items at Goodwill. Maybe it is not a matter of NOT shopping at Goodwill, but setting a limit. Give him a list of what is needed and shop together. Put the thumbs down on mechanical things or electronics that don't have all of their parts or broken parts. If he wants to buy his clothes there...fine. Let him and don't say anything.

 

You might want to consider that you may be annoyed by this, but he is saving money, and that might have influenced the ability of him to buy the house with you.

 

Also, as far as power tools, if he is the one who is cutting the bushes - if he wants a bush trimmer even if you have just one bush...let him get one. If your domain is another area of the house, you get what you want.

 

I would strongly consider this house thing. If you can't stand the way eachother lives, then you should consider if this is a good idea. You cannot change someone. He may change his ways a little - you might be able to influence him to leave behind a few things that are broken or beyond their use, but if he is a collector, he is not going to turn in not being one. You are going to have to pick your battles.

 

My ex husband and I were very different. He WANTED a house so sterile that it looked like nobody lived there. But, he also felt wherever he threw his socks were fine. I guess he didn't realize that it is not magic. That you have to pick stuff up. On the other hand, I grew up with houses being sanitary but with more "stuff."

 

We dealt with it by once a month having a cleaning person. I couldn't do it all with someone who didn't lift a finger. And I agreed for awhile to put my junk in storage. It wasn't junk, I had an antiques business.

 

Anyway, I would really think about things if you feel you can't live with him, Maybe it is coming off the wrong way, but that is what it sounds like.

[Circe]

It doesn't really seem to me that OP's problem is limited to where they shop though .. it seems to be more an issue with the concept of the interior design of their home. OP seems to be a "minimalist" (chic.. simple but fairly stylish) .. and her partner more of a .. well a bit like my parents (way too much stuff that doesn't really match, there is no space for.. and just looks tasteless - bless their souls).

 

I think the difference over where to shop is just an extension of that problem.

 

Have you tried talking to him about your own concept for the design of your home? He might be into it.

 

My husband and I are moving into our new place the same time that you and your partner are moving so we have been furniture shopping too. He said early on in the game that he was very much a "minimalist". I didn't have a set in stone idea at all about how I wanted my home to be. While I'm not naturally inclined to that type of design, I can see the merit in it and the more Ive explored that concept the more I like it.

 

I think you should just tell him your vision - without saying anything negative about his or his family's .. and see how he responds to that?

[Circe]

That's a good idea. Any thoughts on the "gifts"? I don't wish to be rude but we don't have the space or need for the stuff.

 

Mr BIL keeps trying to gift us stuff.. we're just vague about it. Actually my husband keeps a deadly silence and ignores the offer (thats his way of dealing with his family..ignore them and they will stop! lol) .. whereas I just say vague things like 'oh that's really sweet of you to offer.. we'll have to give that some thought.. very sweet of you'.

 

You know? Just don't commit.. and then.. just leave it. Or if you worry they will physically bring the stuff over.. just say what I say "its sweet but we might need to give some thought to space and stuff".

[talo]

Love is not really about *things*: either too many of them, not enough of them, the wrong sort of them, the impractical sort of them, the necessary sort of them.

 

Whenever and wherever you are buying them, falling over them, can't move because of them.... be aware of the love.

 

Folk are made up of 'funny little ways', such as collecting things, or calling something that someone loves/needs "junk" or "unnecessary". You may well find that humour goes a long way and that ideas of what makes a 'perfect home' do not.

 

with best wishes,

[Circe]

Love is not really about *things*: either too many of them, not enough of them, the wrong sort of them, the impractical sort of them, the necessary sort of them.

 

Whenever and wherever you are buying them, falling over them, can't move because of them.... be aware of the love.

 

Folk are made up of 'funny little ways', such as collecting things, or calling something that someone loves/needs "junk" or "unnecessary". You may well find that humour goes a long way and that ideas of what makes a 'perfect home' do not.

 

with best wishes,

 

I actually think loving your partner is .. many things.. one of which is respecting their idea of "comfortable space to relax in". What feels like a nice place/space for some to be in can make others feel stressed out. I think you need to be aware of what kind of living environment is nice for your partner when making a home for you both. I think that is a part of loving them.

[itsallgrand]

Does your condo have enough space for each of you to have your personal areas and then also some areas as common rooms?

 

That has worked for me. I need a room that is my own to do as I wish with. A lot of people feel this way too. It cuts down on a lot of troubles. If he has his own room that is designated to him to do as he wishes, and you yours, then then it's a lot easier to be flexible with the common rooms. Those you can work on together.

 

Have the two of you decided how you want to use the rooms? Starting with a function and then going from there has helped me when living with someone. Just for the common areas - living room, kitchen, bath, whatever.

 

For the gifts, if it's a lot of stuff - just talk with him and let him know how you feel. It's nice they are being so generous, you appreciate it, but that doesn't mean it all has to go in the common areas. If he wants to keep the other stuff, he can keep it in his room. Hey, his deal - if he wants it crammed or if he decides to not accept all that stuff or whatever.

[MissKnowitall]

Here's the thing though. He doesn't currently live this way and hasn't while we've been dating. He rents his own place and its pretty organized and tidy. He has said his credit problems are due to a lack of financial model from his parents and bad decisions in the past. Everyone in his family has credit/money problems and he's working hard to change his personal situation. My credit is glowing and had to figure it out on my own because I never had assistance from my parents and know how hard it is when you dont know what you're doing.

[MissKnowitall]

We have ZERO storage space. As in there is no storage space at all. Not even for the stuff we already have.

[itsallgrand]

^ That might be making a problem then. lol. Crammed spaces makes everything harder. Get a little extra room and people can get along peachy. But that's probably not an option for you if you've already closed.

[Circe]

We have ZERO storage space. As in there is no storage space at all. Not even for the stuff we already have.

 

But you have two bedrooms. You can't use the second bedroom/study as a partial storage space?

[itsallgrand]

Here's the thing though. He doesn't currently live this way and hasn't while we've been dating. He rents his own place and its pretty organized and tidy. He has said his credit problems are due to a lack of financial model from his parents and bad decisions in the past. Everyone in his family has credit/money problems and he's working hard to change his personal situation. My credit is glowing and had to figure it out on my own because I never had assistance from my parents and know how hard it is when you dont know what you're doing.

 

Wait - so is the problem about money then?

 

How to spend and use money together?

[talo]

I actually think loving your partner is .. many things.. one of which is respecting their idea of "comfortable space to relax in". What feels like a nice place/space for some to be in can make others feel stressed out. I think you need to be aware of what kind of living environment is nice for your partner when making a home for you both. I think that is a part of loving them.

 

How does this help if his idea of "comfortable space" is different to hers? Love is the comfortable space.

[Circe]

How does this help if his idea of "comfortable space" is different to hers? Love is the comfortable space.

 

Love is a comfortable emotional space.. but we can't all live 100% of the time, in every sense, in an emotional world.

 

You have to live in the physical world as well and the physical world has its importance. You can't ignore it in the name of "love".

 

Love is not a comfortable physical space.

 

If they have different ideas of comfortable physical space then one of them is going to feel stressed at home. Regardless of the love. Just how different their ideas are will impact on the level of stress.

 

It's a real issue and I don't think it helps to brush it under the carpet with a loving mop.

[jul-els]

All the Goodwill/thrift stores where I live are kind of expensive on furniture, believe it or not. I think you're better off going to garage/estate sales where the prices are lower and you can haggle.

[MissKnowitall]

No money isn't the issue here. I was just responding to a poster.

 

By making the second room a storage space you then make our living space that much smaller. I also require a working functional office for my business. All I need is a clutter free desk and my stuff to be organized.

 

We are not hurting for money and can afford to buy what we want. With the housing market what it is a house is a bad investment and I don't want debt. By purchasing the condo I can continue to be debt free and believe I can turn a profit when the markets improve and I'll purchase a house.

 

He grew up in a household that could afford VERY LITTLE. He grew up understanding that being as frugal as possible is the best way. It's not a bad thing but I could not sleep at night getting freebies from the local church mission when I can afford to shop wherever I want...Oh yeah, that was his latest suggestion about twenty minutes or so.

 

I'm not outright rejecting these ideas of his and looking for advice on how to negotiate. We have not fought about this at all and I'm using this forum to express how I really feel. Something I have not done as of yet.

[MissKnowitall]

You know I don't care where he buys his clothes, what car he drives, or if our place looks like a million dollars. I just want a place we can both be comfortable in.

 

While I would agree there is an issue with me accepting him as being a junk hoarder I have to disagree because for the seven years I've known him he has not lived that way. He has always lived like a bachelor ie: fixing everything with duct tape, making due with what little he has, and drinking out of the milk carton. I actually see humor in it all. The only thing that drives me crazy is that he chews with his mouth open and talks with his mouth full. Something I can overlook because everything else about him is wonderful.

 

We communicate in mutually respectful ways and are very considerate of the other's feelings. That is why I am asking for advice on how to deal with his relatives' gifts and decorating our condo without ending up living in a storage space with stuff we don't need or use.

[amipushy]

Sit down together and make a list of everything you need and would like to have. Decide together on the essentials and work through the rest over time.

[MissKnowitall]

Okay, I was given a link to wikipedia to look at about compulsive hoarding. Guess what? Those pictures are exactly what I'm afraid our place is going to look like because some of his relatives' homes are actually worse. I didn't realize how much of a problem we were facing!

link removed

[Circe]

Wow

 

Talk to him.

 

What are you afraid will happen if you talk to him?

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Indigo.

 

And honestly don't know what else to say cause this sounds like a whole ball of yarn.

[Ms Darcy]

If you have known him not to be a hoarder for seven years, I think you are letting your fears rule you in worrying that your place will look like what you posted.

 

I also wanted to point out one incorrect point in your statement. In a bad housing market, with housing prices lower than just one or two years ago, a house is actually often a great investment if you can afford it. It doesn't make sense to say that when the economy improves a condo is necessarily a better investment than a house because presumably people will be just as if not more interested in buying a house than a condo.

 

Also, I commend your bf for shopping at Goodwill. Not everything at the store is poor quality, nor is it all secondhand. The key to building wealth is not just how much money you make but also how much money you keep.

 

Give him a bit of a break. He has some good points and it might be worth it to you to show him pictures of different styles and try to agree on what you like and what you do not.

[MissKnowitall]

First of all your correction on my opinion of the housing market where I live is inaccurate as I do not even live in the United States and the market is different. If my mother weren't dying right now I'd be living in one of my houses but do not wish to leave her area so that I can be there for her.

 

I don't remember if I've posted about the purchases he is interested in for our lovely new place. ie: table saws, saws that are used to cut down trees, and has strongly expressed an interest in collecting as his family does. He is excited about the boxes of "gifts" from his parents and aunts and that does concern me.

 

Why have I not talked to him about it? Because I don't want to hurt his feelings and want to have good suggestions as to how we can compromise rather than just unload about my fears.

 

I'm all for being thrifty though and I think its pretty open for me to agree to check out garage sales, estate sales, and check out thrift stores but he insists that Goodwill is the only place to shop. He is now also excited to check out the local church mission to see what freebies there might be.