Let's try this again. Compromising on shopping for our new home

[Circe]

Why have I not talked to him about it? Because I don't want to hurt his feelings and want to have good suggestions as to how we can compromise rather than just unload about my fears.

 

 

You won't hurt his feelings by telling him how you feel.

 

You can't work out a compromise without knowing how important "collecting" and "tree saws" are to your husband. Only if he knows how you actually feel about this stuff will he have an opportunity to think whether "collecting" and tree saws (to use an example) really mean something.. or if its just something he wouldnt mind doing but if its really going to bother you, he'd rather not have a part of.

 

You can't work out a compromise all by yourself without communicating with him first.

[MissKnowitall]

Indigo: I appreciate your input and believe me, I agree that I need to talk to him but I want to be able to offer suggestions and ideas when I do. I know quite well how he feels about "collecting" and antiques otherwise I wouldn't be looking for suggestions on creative ways to find a medium we can both live with if I didn't. His family is generous and his parents and other relatives have a serious problem with hoarding. I have to be careful on how I bring this up because I don't want him to feel like I'm judging his family or their lifestyle. Even if that is the perception of what I'm actually doing.

[ResonanceTheory]

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but is he really that sensitive? If you tell him that you don't want a house full of clutter, is he going to start crying and run back home and tell his parents that you've insulted their lifestyle? Not to poke fun--I know you're taking this very seriously-- but I think you can discuss this without anyone coming out worse for wear. You're starting a life where you two live together...openness, compromise and the ability to discuss and make tough decisions are going to be your bread and butter from now on, no?

 

The first suggestion I have is to not sound condescending when you bring this topic up. I know that you really don't intend to come accross that way, but (as you can see from people's reaction to your threads) the way in which you have expressed these ideas could be a little chafing. Just think about what you want to say and the best way to say it. My suggestion is to not bring up his family at all. Don't make any general statements that might offend his sensibilities or upbringing. Don't talk about how much you hate goodwill or antiques or whatever. Make it about your home decor. If he hasn't been a packrat until now, don't allow it to even get to that point.

 

If he pushes for having a bunch of stuff, explain to him that in order to work and feel at peace, you need to have minimal clutter. Yes, there can be decorations, but too many decorations result in too much cleaning and dusting. Who has time for that?

 

Point blank: You ARE going to have to compromise with him. If you are BOTH paying for this home, then he is going to have to be able to have some things that he likes. I agree with a previous suggestion that was made to you that he is allowed to have X amount of knick-knacks or antiques, and if he finds another one that he loves, then he has to get rid of a different one. Explain to him that this habit of collecting has not only spatial repercussions, but financial ones.

 

At all costs, avoid bringing his family into the conversation. Make a list of the things that you need (a table, a couch, etc) and get just that. No decorations. Then, after you get your furniture (which you have shopped for/agreed on together), then you very SLOWLY get decorations, pictures, whatever you feel is necessary.

 

You could even tell him that since this is a new place and a new start for both of you, you don't want to inherit anything from anyone, but rather want to buy everything together so it can truly be "yours".

[MissKnowitall]

I'm completely aware of how I can come accross which is why I don't want to just sit down and start talking without thinking it through.

 

He's not a baby that will go crying to his parents but I wanted to throw myself over a bridge when he suggested checking out the church missions for freebies! That is one thing definitely out of the question. I was thinking we could make a plan to look at a bunch of other places and hopefully we won't have the time to look there.

 

I've suggested that getting the furniture first is a good idea so that we can have an idea what colors, styles, and themes we want to compliment the rooms. When we are out running errands and he comes accross a great deal on something like a lawn mower for our new place I've been using humor to ask what he needs it for since we don't have a lawn on our patio and point out that we really don't have the room. He's not kidding about how serious he was about buying it. We laugh together at how excited we both are about our new place that we sometimes get carried away. Deep down I worry about the impulsive urges he has for purchasing things that don't make sense and that he will start to feel like what he likes doesn't matter to me.

 

Great idea on the suggestion about how to deal with the "gifts"! I love it and I'm going to try that because I think it just may work.

 

I'm smarter than to bring his family into it but that doesn't mean it may not come up. Money, socio economic status, and values were never something I was concerned with or gave much thought until this past winter when it was thrown in my face (not by him but his extended family and a friend he no longer speaks with). That's a whole other thread I could post.

[ResonanceTheory]

If he's an empathetic and intelligent man, and if you discuss it with him calmly without mention of his family or values, he'll understand why you don't want to live in sinbad's cave of treasures.

[Circe]

I know quite well how he feels about "collecting" and antiques otherwise I wouldn't be looking for suggestions on creative ways to find a medium we can both live with if I didn't.

 

Maybe you don't? You said he lived for seven years on his own without collecting and hoarding remember. It might not be as important to him as you think it is.

 

He might even be thinking collecting/hoarding will help make the kind of warm, life-filled home you will be happiest in.. because of his childhood memories.

 

I just think people can surprise you. You think you know something is an obvious fact about your partner.. but you can be wrong.

 

I think the "compomise" to offer in case it is important to him is to ask if you can discuss purchases to the home and reach mutual agreement on each before you go ahead. A piece by piece approach maybe.

[amipushy]

Maybe the answer is asking him why he thinks his relatives are hoaders, making him more aware that they obviously have issues if they do that. Also say clearly that you could never live in such a place and YOUR house will not be a rubbish tip, but a clean and relaxing home and somewhere you both can be proud of.

[MissKnowitall]

That's a good suggestion amipushy but they are very critical of me and I'm very careful to not say or do things that could be twisted or turned.

 

We've talked and I'm feeling alot better about it all. We agreed to window shopping and looking through magazines first to find ideas that we like. We visited a relative the other day that is probably the worst hoarder of all and it was a good opportunity to discuss my concerns. He even agreed at how easy it will be for a few things here and there can turn into hoarder's paradise