Compromising on our brand new place

[MissKnowitall]

I am better at giving advice to others than to myself. My bf and I come from different socioeconomic backgrounds which shouldn't matter but our values sometimes differ based on our parental upbringing. I know that doesn't have anything to do with our socioeconomic backgrounds but my elitist conservative beliefs sometimes clash with his modest relaxed beliefs.

 

Overall we have a mutually respectful relationship where our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other beautifully. We disagree like any couple but we never call each other names, degrade, yell, or swear at one another. We have a great relationship of open communication and trust and both agree we have a very bright future together.

 

So what's the problem? I have a couple of concerns.

 

1) We are moving in together at the end of the month and obviously have a difference in ideas when it comes to how to furnish our beautiful new condo! It's a large luxury 2 bedroom suite with stainless steel appliances, granite countertops, hardwood floors, and not even finished being built. Sounds great, doesn't it? We are getting all new furnishings together so there is no "My my mine!" Everything will be "Ours ours ours!" My bf was brought up in a household with what I consider to be poor financial values and its causing me some concern.

 

ie: White collar workers are the devil (btw I'm a white collar professional), never buy brand new, second hand stores have better quality than designer stores, if its a great deal get it! Even if you don't really need it you may one day find a use for it. Career advancement only happens for people that lie, cheat, and have good luck.

 

I'm not saying that my bf is totally brainwashed into believing all of this but he grew up in a household that enforced these ideas so conflicting ideas will arise with us. The homes of his parents and relatives aren't dirty or anything but they are cluttered and full of junk ("antiques"). Some places are so bad you can hardly move in the rooms and hallways and I break out in hives at every visit.

 

I refuse to live in such a place. I need tidy, uncluttered, and functional space. That means I hate ornaments and nicknacks. I can't stand shelves unless they have good books on them and I believe we only need one for the office.

 

I can compromise on the furnishings and they do not have to be brand name from the store. I want them to match, be comfortable, I would like everything to tie together, and somewhat modern. ie: Nothing from the sixties or seventies. No fix-er-uppers. I would prefer no second-hand.

 

I'm excited about our new place because we get along so well and I look forward to many good times together. I have been worried though because I refuse to become a garbage collector or live as though we have to survive on minimum single income wage. I have always lived an upper middle class lifestyle. I want to compromise because its not just about me and my comfort but some stuff just freaks me out inside! I do not want to hurt his feelings and want him to feel at home in our new place.

 

I can compromise and agree its not necessary to purchase the most expensive furnishings we can find but also do not wish to shop at Goodwill. I feel that by taking advantage of the best deals we would be taking away from those that are in need. Goodwill is for people that don't have alot of options and limited financial means. It is not for people that have the money and means to have nice new things.

[DN]

Look at your statements that I have put in bold. Using words like that really don't leave much room for compromise. Suppose he used words like that about the things that he wants - do you think that would lend itself to being able to compromise?

 

Before saying "I want to compromise" you had better take another look at how uncompromising you already are.

[sophie274]

Look at your statements that I have put in bold. Using words like that really don't leave much room for compromise. Suppose he used words like that about the things that he wants - do you think that would lend itself to being able to compromise?

 

Before saying "I want to compromise" you had better take another look at how uncompromising you already are.

 

Yes, I agree with DN. To be honest, your language in this post is very condescending towards anyone who doesn't share your taste, and makes you sound like quite the snob. I think you're really over-associating his taste with his "class" - my parents are definitely upper middle-class, but they still buy antiques, and even recently picked up a gorgeous table off of the street!

 

Perhaps I'm misinterpreting, but you also seem to have a general distaste for his family and their general lifestyle. It will make it very hard for you two to compromise if he senses you are really looking down on him, and if you are coming from the perspective that your taste is the good taste, his is inferior, and you just need to show him the light.

[ResonanceTheory]

Depending on where you live, Goodwill can have some fantastic stuff. Everything but my diningroom table was purchased second hand, from thrift-stores and goodwill, and my house looks gorgeous. We are college students, but our apartment sure doesn't look like it.

 

As a guy, I think he'll probably agree with you about the "no knick-knack" stuff. Guys tend to be no-nonsense in that regard--I had to convince my boyfriend that we needed DRAPES. If he really DOES love random things, little statuettes or god knows what else, then compromise with him. Set a rule that there can be no more than one picture on each wall, or two pictures on every other wall. Not wanting furniture from the 60's/70's/80's is reasonable. Once again, I can't stress how surprised you'd be at the great things you'll find at a goodwill in a nice area! Also, you can try craigslist.

 

But I think that, over all, you should come at this with a more open mind. When I moved in with my boyfriend, he didn't really care what the decor was like--and I find that most guys don't. Just make it look nice, shop for bargains (whether they be at the dreaded goodwill or some over-priced furniture store (which ALL of them are, trust me)), and he'll probably be happy. I know my bf was/is.

[Batya33]

I don't think this has anything to do with class. This simply has to do with you and your bf having different ideas and values about money. I agree with DN as well. As one example, you assume that someone who has the "means" to buy new rather than used furniture will definitely buy new. Well, no, that's not true because they might want to spend their money on other new items (like a car) and/or might be big into saving a nest egg which means bargain hunting. I have the "means' but just today I ordered a chair and ottoman in a color that wasn't my favorite because it was 30% cheaper than the other colors and I couldn't see spending that much more just for a better color when instead we could save the $. That you would make a different choice doesn't make us incompatible as to "class", just values.

[FarthestEdge]

Have you even talked to him about this yet? Are you sure it's even going to be an issue? Unless you need to go into mountains of debt to buy it, he may want all new stuff himself. If the debt is necessary, it may be a learning experience for you to have to buy second-hand for once.

 

I come from a higher economic background than DH- he HATES 2nd hand, even antiques, and calls it "other people's junk". I, on the other hand, like the idea of old dressers that were built to last, unlike the mass-produced throw-away particle board stuff available in most stores.....we both have to compromise.

 

I won't buy anything 2nd hand that is upholstered; couches, matresses, etc.. and any tables, shelves etc that I do buy, is thoroughly cleaned by me and in most cases, sanded and repainted or restained. Then it's "like new". There's some really interesting treatment kits you can buy to antique furniture etc...I also don't buy anything that he has to store his stuff in second hand. It makes him uncomfortable....

 

DN made a really good point with your own words though. And you need to be very careful how you approach this, as you do not want to give his family the idea that you think what's good enough for them, is beneath you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the above posters that you do come accross as uncompromising and elitist. I will say that some of the much better quality furniture you can find will be second hand furniture from the 60's and 70's. If you want expensive, fancy looking but shoddily-made constructed of particle board furniture you can find that at many stores these days..but if you want real wood, solid wood, solidly constructed furniture those you can find at antique stores, second hand stores and estate sales. It is entirely possible for both of you to compromise...buy some furniture that fits your taste and some that fit his taste. Have two bookcases for the office...yours which you can just have books if that is your wish..and his where he can put all the knick knacks he wants. Remember that this is his place too and HE has to feel at home and not be made to feel like he lives in a sterile environment where everything has to perfect in case some magazine wants to photograph the place for a feature on interior decorating. You need to chill out and stop looking down on his family's ideals and tastes and chalk it up to "poor financial values". You make it sound like you are doing your boyfriend a favour by dating someone from "the other side of the tracks". If you want to have a successful, harmonious relationship, your attitude needs to change because having a luxery condo with hardwood floors, granite countertops and stainless steel appliances mean absolutely nothing if there is no respect for the values and upbringing the other person brings to the relationship. This will be your shared home and you both should get used to the fact that furnishing the place and decorating the place should be a compromise according to your individual tastes.

[Sunflour]

There are some very nice furniture consignment stores out there, and antique stores, which might satisfy your desire for quality furnishings as well as his desire for economy/value.

 

Could you look through some house magazines together and clip photos/ideas that you both like? That might help you find common ground in your tastes and preferences, before you even get into the question of where to purchase the furniture.

[MissKnowitall]

Yes we have talked about it. He likes the nicknacks (insists on them), and will buy things he will never use because its a good deal. Of course he can do what he wants with his money but we have ZERO storage space in our new home.He is a packrat and keeps EVERYTHING! I mean EVERYTHING! As I stated in my original post: I am not opposed to shopping for deals!

 

I have even suggested garage sales in my childhood neighborhood for awesome deals. No joke people give away top brand furnishings for free still in the packaging or only ask for a couple hundred dollars. I am open to looking for sales and shopping at economically friendly stores. I do not have debt in any form and we are not using credit cards or credit lines to make our purchases. We are not breaking the bank for a lifestyle beyond our means.

 

I am seriously against purchasing from charity organizations when I do not have to. Not because I am too good for Goodwill but because there are people that need it more than I do that have fewer options.

[DN]

The money that Goodwill makes in their stores goes to people who need it - it is a mistake to think that the stores only exist to provide cheap goods to people. The more people that shop there the more money they have to fund their programmes.

 

link removed

 

When you buy items in Goodwill retail stores and online at link removed, you're helping fund Goodwill services that prepare people for job success. More than 84 percent of Goodwill's total revenues are used to fund education, career services and other critical community programs.

[kevinm]

OP... hate to jump on the bandwagon here, but it seems to me to be all about your tastes and values concerning money. I have crazy expensive tastes and love quality, but that doesn't mean I need to shop at the most expensive places in town either. I actually built quite a few things in my house. Why? Because I couldn't find what I wanted, I like building furniture, and the quality of construction is far better. People come into my house all the time and say "Where did you get that?" and I can proudly say "I built that." So maybe you or your b/f can build some things?

 

Beyond the things I built, I've found a lot of nice stuff of Craigslist. You have to be patient and jump like a cat when something good comes up, but good finds are out there. Just last year I picked up 5 antique oak chairs for $120. These exact same chairs sell for $70 a piece new, and not made in oak. I didn't ask, but I got the feeling that the lady was moving into another place (downsizing as it were) and just couldn't take all the nice things she had. For the record, I wouldn't buy upholstered furniture second hand either... too many unknowns.

 

Oh, and what about IKEA? While they have some crappy stuff, they have some nice things to, and are very reasonably priced.

 

Still, you need to make a decision WITH your b/f, not for him. Tastes are always different.

 

-Kevin

[MissKnowitall]

I know it sounds as though I think I am doing him a favor by "dating a guy from the wrong side of the tracks" but there are things that have been said that have me on the defensive before any such criticisms of his family values came to my mind.

 

These are not his words but those of his friends and family:

 

-People that have money are not as happy as those that actually work for what they have

-People that have money don't have the morals of those that actually work for what they have

-White collar workers don't actually work or deserve their salaries (directed at me)

-My education was a waste of money because university is nothing but elitist and means nothing anyways.

-Their family actually works for what they have (when my bf mentions how much fun he had on a vacation or in the pool on a visit to my folks) and don't need fancy toys to enjoy their time together

 

It has even been suggested that I abandon my career to work as a grocery store clerk or in a department store and actually earn a living.

 

I have never commented about how I actually feel or how it makes me feel. I do not brag or carry myself as believing myself to be better for having had financial success or because my family is more well off financially. My family makes my bf feel welcome and comfortable. I cannot say the same for his.

[kevinm]

MissKnowitall,

 

You need to have a little separation between you, your family, and he and his family. Your parents money and lifestyle are not yours, you don't have to follow in their footsteps. Nor does your b/f in relation to his family. You need to let go of the notion that something is wrong or gross or whatever simply because it is different.

 

Don't take his family's comments as offensive. They are entitled to their opinions. If you know the truth and are confident in who you are and what you do, then just be fine with that. So they disagree with you... so what? Why does it bother you so much? I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable around them, but I think a lot of that has to do with you.

 

-Kevin

[MissKnowitall]

The money that Goodwill makes in their stores goes to people who need it - it is a mistake to think that the stores only exist to provide cheap goods to people. The more people that shop there the more money they have to fund their programmes.

 

link removed

 

I contribute to social programs and currently a part of something that is creating more sustainable funding for such programs. I have raised over $2 million for the cause in the last three months andfor personal reasons choose what I support very carefully. I am very selective with the organizations that I support and how I support them. I'm not saying that Goodwill isn't a good place to support I'm just saying I give to them in other ways and want the material donations to go to people that don't have the means to obtain furniture from other places.

 

If by being interested in garage sales, estate auctions, and looking for sales makes me elitist, uncompromising, and unreasonable then I guess that is what I am. I am not kidding that he is a packrat. He buys things he doesn't need and never uses because it was on sale. There is no room for storage in our new place. When I say there is no room to move in the living rooms and houses of his relatives (that he thinks are full of nice stuff) I am not kidding. Although alot of the stuff is pretty cool I am not kidding that you are literally stepping over stuff, there is no room to sit, there is no dining room, living room, or bedroom. His place is isn't that bad right now but he has just RECENTLY expressed his desire to become a collector as well. They are not collectors that buy and sell they are literally packrats. They keep boxes of rocks from the streets because they are pretty (not shoe boxes either), buy broken antiques that ten years later are not fixed and sold off as intended, the living room will have furniture piled up to the roof.

 

We have talked about him making furniture but he is only focused on having lots of shelves to display his great buys!!! We also need couches, tables, chairs, kitchen furniture, bedroom furniture etc... I agree that quality furniture will not be found at ikea and best found at estate sales and garage sales which is why I think it would be a great idea to look in those types of places.

[FarthestEdge]

So basically, what you are looking for here, is a way to fundamentally change who he is....I don't think you realize that, but it's what you are doing.

 

An important part of building a solid foundation for the future is in exploring what each of you want that future to look like. It sounds to me like you have fundamentally different ideas about what makes a house a home and what constitutes reasonable spending behaviour.

 

Where do you honestly think this is going? I don't mean to be harsh, but the way a person prefers to live goes to the core of day-to-day life- and that's most often where relationship strain takes root. Unless he WANTS to change the way he lives for himself (not likely given his intent to be a 'collector'), these things will slowly creep into your home whether you like it or not. As another poster so astutely pointed out, it's his home too.

 

You either need to figure out a plan to deal with this, such as designate areas of your condo as "yours" and "his" to decorate as you see fit, rent a storage facility for his "collection" etc- A plan that you BOTH agree on and can be happy about, or you may need to reconsider what you're willing to accept for the finer qualities he has and the ways he enriches your life.

 

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to buy furniture, or decorate a home. Bringing his parents views into the situation do not bolster your position in any way. The home is yours and his- if you are going to build a future together, you need to navigate this on your own together and leave the parents (ALL parents) values and expectations out of it.

[MissKnowitall]

MissKnowitall,

 

You need to have a little separation between you, your family, and he and his family. Your parents money and lifestyle are not yours, you don't have to follow in their footsteps. Nor does your b/f in relation to his family. You need to let go of the notion that something is wrong or gross or whatever simply because it is different.

 

Don't take his family's comments as offensive. They are entitled to their opinions. If you know the truth and are confident in who you are and what you do, then just be fine with that. So they disagree with you... so what? Why does it bother you so much? I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable around them, but I think a lot of that has to do with you.

 

-Kevin

 

I know you think it has alot to do with me but it doesn't. I had no problem until comments were made to make me feel as uncomfortable as I do. There is alot of animosity towards successful people and not just toward me. Its people that have had financial success, have an education, or a white collar job in general. I do not defend myself or make comments I just brush it off as I should. My family's lifestyle is not mine I have found success without their help and am far from materialistic no matter how I may sound on here. I do not own a car, I take public transportation, I bargain shop for clothes and accessories and do not discuss possessions or money in conversation. I am being more forward with my true thoughts on this forum that I would not normally express.

 

A disagreement would be to know where somebody is coming from and oppose them. That is not the case. It bothers me that I am supposed to feel guilty and told I am less moral because I am different.

 

I stated I want it to be a place we both feel at home. I just can't stand the nicknacks clutter and don't know how to come to a happy medium. We haven't fought over it but I haven't expressed how strongly I feel about making our new place a home and not a storage facility for stuff that will never get used. I don't want to offend him or hurt his feelings.

 

I would also like to state that my mention that our apartment is a luxury suite because there are certain rules of the building in order to maintain the property value. ie: the patio space cannot be used for junk storage. In fact there are strict rules about that space. Just something I forgot to expound upon when previously mentioned.

[MissKnowitall]

I think its ridiculous to suggest I am trying to change who he is. As if his newfound taste in decor defines fundamentally who he is. I want him to be comfortable in his own home. I don't want to live in a show home or museum but I also don't want a mish mash storage facility rather than a home. I'm not hellbent on shopping at the most expensive boutiques. Does that make me an elitist cow?

 

My mention on the difference in his family's values is because I DO NOT want to come accross as insensitive or elitist. There is a difference in the values that we were brought up with and I guess I thought if there was a bit of a background somebody may be able to suggest a sensitive or creative way to compromise.

 

I am asking for advice on how to compromise and ideas on how we can come to a happy medium.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I can see his perspective and your perspective. I have a collection of knick knacks..I love knick knacks and I would be very upset if someone told me I could no longer display my knick knacks because it doesn't fit into their notion of home decor. Most of my knick knacks have to do with places I traveled so they are souvenirs. They are proudly displayed on my bookshelves along with the many books I own on travel, English literature, Harry Potter etc. Like you, I hate clutter. I don't buy things just for the sake of buying them and now I have stopped buying knick knacks because I have enough. I know two people who don't know when to stop buying and their place looks trashy because of it...furniture and all manner of stuff piled everywhere....looks like a junk shop. I wouldn't want to live like that. That is why both of you need to really discuss this and come up with a plan on how you are going to work it. It might mean setting aside a section in the office for his stuff..but an agreement that it is tasteful and organized. However some people just don't know when to stop collecting and it become obsessive to them and you might run into problems down the road.

[MissKnowitall]

That is exactly what I am trying to avoid: "Giving his family (or him) the idea that I think what's good enough for them is beneath me." This is exactly the reason I am asking for advice on the subject.

 

I have expressed how I am not opposed to looking at garage sales, estate sales, etc... Rather than listing off everything I don't want I should have listed everything I am open to but that list is much longer.

[DN]

I am asking for advice on how to compromise and ideas on how we can come to a happy medium.

Bu that is the problem here - you keep saying you want to compromise but are making no allowances other than what you want. Just go back and read your posts. Leave aside all the issues about his family/your family, financial decisions, what he buys versus what you buy.

 

Just concentrate on the difference between you about having an uncluttered versus a cluttered place, If you analyse what you have said there is nor room for compromise on your part. It seems what you really want is ideas on how to get him to see things from your point of view rather than you also looking at it from his.

 

As I said in my first post - your responses are all about what you want, what you don't want and what you need or don't need. And saying you want him to be comfortable is evading the issue about whether you are prepared to compromise because I have seen nowhere where you really would.

 

For example, would you be prepared to concede that he puts up a couple of shelves full of his stuff instead of four, or puts them up somewhere less conspicuous, without complaining. Because that is what compromise means - giving up some of what you want while he gives up something he wants.

 

Try not to be too defensive. I understand you feel attacked but your response to my post about how Goodwill missed the point. It wasn't to give you an opportunity to tell us how much money you have raised for charity but to inform you of the mistaken idea you have about how Goodwill shops work.

[MissKnowitall]

THANK YOU so much. I think you understand what I'm trying to get accross here. He always talking about having a "Man's room" and the office is the perfect place for this. I don't think that one room is fair for him to have the things that he likes and although our new place is large for a condo but its not a house. He wants to get a bunch of tools that I wouldn't care about if we had a garage to store them. He wants to get them in case a friend might need help with their yard but we have no use for such things for ourselves and where are we supposed to put these things? In the kitchen? We're not allowed to have that type of stuff on our patio.

[FarthestEdge]

I never used the words elitist or cow. Nor were they anywhere implied.

 

YOU say he likes these things, and wants to have shelves displaying his collections. You brought up his family, I assume to suggest that the environment he was raised in has influenced his idea as to what make a home attractive. And in that, you are likely right.

 

What I AM saying, is that just because YOU don't value these things as he does, and you can come up with all the valid arguements you want, it doesn't change the fact that this is how he is interested in decorating his home. It doesn't matter what his family thinks, it doesn't matter what your upbringing is. What matters is he wants knick-nacks and bric-a-brac, and you want understated simplicity.

 

It doesn't matter how many ways you try to justify it, you position is no more valid than his. So you need to find a middle ground, or reasses just how important this issue is to you. You cannot change him, or his tastes. If you force him to do thing only YOUR way, you will build resentment. The only choice you have is how YOU respond to this. So far, you have responded with "I want", 'I need" and "I can't tolerate". As DN pointed out, your coming accross that you don't want to compromise so much as you want to win the argument that your way is best. What we all think doesn't matter- you're going to be living with HIM.

 

I have offered some middle ground points for your consideration, I'll reiterate them:

 

*Agree to 2nd hand where you can clean/refurbish together to your mutual satisfaction

*Assign areas of the home as *yours* or *his* to furnish/decorate as you wish

*Rent a storage locker for his *collections

-here's a new one:

 

Agree in advance to a specific # of displayed items (i.e. 15), If he wants to bring something new IN then he has to choose something else to go OUT to maintain the limit.

 

However, you then also need to be prepared for him to have some 'conditions' of his own, and you have to be willing to discuss them. Also, these are suggestions for discussion- I wouldn't suggest trying to arbitrarily institute "'rules" on him. As I said, it's his home too.

 

Don't take our response so personally. Much like his family, if you don't like our opinions, feel free to ignore them

[MissKnowitall]

I didn't suggest you called me names. It may have sounded sarcastic but that was not the intent. In fact, I believe I am only frustrated because much of what I have stated has been completely ignored or not read in the intended context. There are a couple of people catching my drift offering good advice. How many times do I have to state that I am not firm on shopping exclusively at boutique stores? I don't want his side of the room or my side of the room or his space to be the spare room. I really do want to have a home we are both comfortable in. For me that is something that is functional and I agree that doesn't have to cost a fortune.

 

If you read the post from Crazyaboutdogs, what this poster has described is specifically what I'm trying to avoid.

 

Its not as though I'm saying I have suggested I don't want his current personal possessions in our new home. I don't think he needs to get rid of anything he has and wouldn't suggest the he get rid of anything. I just don't want to live in a junk storage facility.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

THANK YOU so much. I think you understand what I'm trying to get accross here. He always talking about having a "Man's room" and the office is the perfect place for this. I don't think that one room is fair for him to have the things that he likes and although our new place is large for a condo but its not a house. He wants to get a bunch of tools that I wouldn't care about if we had a garage to store them. He wants to get them in case a friend might need help with their yard but we have no use for such things for ourselves and where are we supposed to put these things? In the kitchen? We're not allowed to have that type of stuff on our patio.

 

 

I know you have another thread but I hope you check back to this one as well. You are right, he can't have the entire office as a "man's room"..not in a condo unless the condo had enough rooms to have separate his and her offices. In a three bedroom condo it would be do-able and there just wouldn't be a guest room. However, in a two bedroom condo the office would have to be shared and it would have to be uncluttered. If he wants tools then he would need to compromise on what tools he would get so that they can be easily stored in a cupboard, storage locker (I don't know if your place has a storage locker) or under a desk. The whole point of compromise is that he doesn't necessarily have to give up getting what he wants, he just has to modify his wants, set priorities and determine if certain of his wants are feasible for the size of the condo. For your part you have to accept that the decor may not be completely to your liking..there may be aspects that might irritate you because they are not to your taste..but you can learn to overlook it and see it as the man you love expressing his personality and taste.

[MissKnowitall]

Hmm great ideas...He's talking table saws (*sp) and the saws you cut trees down with. I don't want to crush his ideas but I don't know where a table saw is going to fit.

 

As I mentioned in my new thread, his family wants to "gift" him with boxes full of nicknacks they have no room for that have no general purpose. I do not want to be rude but we do not have the room to store the things they no longer have room in their houses for.