majord23 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hey Majord, long time old mate! How are ya? I think we are a little at the extreme here. This OP still has obvious feelings for this girl, still wants a go and believes there is a chance. Im not telling him to stick out something bad, I was just saying if this is what he really wants, reconciliation, then closing the door wont help. Good to see you mate I'm as good as I've ever been I know it's an extreme, but as it stands this girl has only expressed remorse/regret (heck, interest!!) now that she has been dumped. He doesn't have to close the door, but I think that entertaining the thought of making progress with her *right now* shouldn't even be on his radar. The OP is in a vulnerable state and anything that is going to (further) link his emotional stability to her - particularly when she herself is emotionally unstable - isn't a good idea. A polite: "I'm really sorry that you're hurting right now, but I'm probably not the best person to be helping you right now - let's catch up for lunch in a couple of months when things have settled down" - would probably be the healthiest non-healthy option I'd recommend. I say 'non-healthy'...because the OP will possibly spend those couple of months counting down rather than getting better. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Good to see you mate I'm as good as I've ever been A polite: "I'm really sorry that you're hurting right now, but I'm probably not the best person to be helping you right now - let's catch up for lunch in a couple of months when things have settled down" - would probably be the healthiest non-healthy option I'd recommend. I agree, and I think thats more or less what he did in his final response to her. Link to comment
gee Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 There are times in life where you have to put yourself first....no matter what. Well, said major! gee Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I agree, and I think thats more or less what he did in his final response to her. His final response was really wearing his heart on his sleeve...now she can be secure in the fact that he still loves her which is what her ego needed after being dumped. Major's suggested response was polite, kind but not giving out any feelings. Given the fact that she only came running to him once SHE got dumped..and she claims this guy was the rebound guy...so now she is rebounding back to her ex. She uses people in order to not be alone. Yes, I definitely do think she needs to "work" for his good opinion...she needs to prove to him that she is truly sorry...but only after she pulls herself together and stays single for a while. It will be interesting to see how long she stays single or if she immediately runs to someone else's arms. That will indicate just how true her feelings are towards the OP. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 hey everyone. so heres an update. i havent texted her again, nor have i heard from her. i made it pretty clear to her that she doesnt need to be talking to me right now. i do love this girl, but right now i am hurting still and she is emotionally unstable. doesnt sound like the right time to attempt anything. she hasnt been single a day since she was 15, she needs this and it will be good for her, as it was good for me. its 4 months since we broke up, she was with this guy for a little over 3 months i guess. i dont believe he was a true rebound, i think she really was into him, which hurts me. but that doesnt matter and is beside the point i think i handled it correctly with the letter and the texts. i dont regret anything. i let her know i still cared but let her know i deserve better and stayed very strong. i was confident and cool, and think i did the right thing. i think she says she is hurting for me because now that someone hurt her, she realizes how much she hurt me. she still doesnt realize completely because shell never know what it feels like to get dumped for someone else. but she is feeling it and it will be good for her. she needs to grow and mature and not need someone. if she begins to text me again, im going to tell her she still needs some more time for her. she has to make the effort to show me she cares if anything is to happen in the future. yes i showed her i still cared about her, yall read the letter. but its hard to blame me, we dated for 3 years and we were first loves. and that was not a long time ago. but i also protected myself, and was very clear about it. nothing i can do right now but be patient, i cant contact her. ill let you guys know if anything happens. appreciate the support and advice Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 she was with this guy for a little over 3 months i guess. Its funny you tossed that number out there....just earlier today I was thinking about how many times when I was younger I was a rebound guy. 3 months is usually when it fell flat...lol. You are doing the right thing. You left it out there where you stand. Now leave it at that. I think you made it clear that you have feelings. Thats all I was trying to express in my previous posts. Things arent healthy now. They point I made about Super Dave being the shoulder, I left out one thing. He was pretty much healed and could take what ever happened. You may not be at that point yet. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 haha ya i just never expected him to leave her, i cant same that im not happy about it i guess. hes stronger than i am though, i would never have the strength to leave this girl. and i am not completely healed no, but i dont believe that affects me anymore. im very clear headed. and i have accepted whatever outcome happens in the future. im mature enough and strong enough to handle this i feel. just not much i can do. if i had completely submitted to her last night and given in and attempted to see her and comfort her, she would never learn any type of lesson and i would be at her beck and call again. she needs to gain some independence and learn and grow from this, i love her, and i know that is what she needs, not loving support from me. if she heals and realizes she made a mistake and owns up to it, maybe we can attempt to talk but we both need to move on for the time being. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 haha ya i just never expected him to leave her, i cant same that im not happy about it i guess. hes stronger than i am though, i would never have the strength to leave this girl. The version of her he got may be entirely different than the version you had. If she is sincere in saying she hurt for you, then he never really connected with her. Probably why he split. My ex (who I left and tried recently to go back to) is seeing a guy, I know she is a mess, because I know her and she never took time to heal. So Im figuring he will split too eventually. Coming up on a little over 2 months from what I can figure.....lol if she heals and realizes she made a mistake and owns up to it, maybe we can attempt to talk but we both need to move on for the time being. Then you are on the right path Link to comment
servedcold Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Agree with tux and majord, until they make definitive "getting back together" overtures as in "I miss you and want you back," everything else is noise. Best wishes going forward. Link to comment
bexcelant Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 If you want her back you cannot always keep up the wall. If you keep the wall up forever, you'll lose them forever. She's making some overtures. Keep the lines of communication open but don't make any pushy moves. Let her come to you. When you feed a nut to a squirral out of your hand, initially the squirral will run away. If you put the nut on the ground and back off, the squirrel will run up take the nut and run off. So you put another nut out there..and another and another..until the squirrel is used to eating nuts from you. Then one day you hold the nut out in your hand and the squirrel comes up and take the nut out of your hand. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 That's is an excellent mindset, if you really mean it, but I want to make sure I understand your motivations. If I read you correctly (and my apologies if I haven't), your frustrations lie in the fact that she didn't seem to need anything from you until her new boyfriend dumped her -- as if you, her first love, is nothing more than a secondary option. If that's your position, then I can fully understand, and I support you. On the other hand, the fact that she contacted you only after her new endeavors didn't work out is exactly what I would have expected to be the case, and I suspected that before you told us so. It's a matter of economics, the way the world usually works. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I'd surmise that you would have preferred that she had dumped him after she had found how lacking he was compared to what she had lost (that is, compared to you). OK, good concept, but ... total and complete victory without compromise is very rare in life. Think about that. Let's compare your situation to mine. My ex didn't leave me for another guy, but she definitely had an alternative in mind. She left for another lifestyle (an urban one, one more like Sex and the City) and to live with her true soulmate (her sister, who, incidentally, doesn't like me, never has, never will). So why would she come back? If my ex were to suddenly show up back at my door, it wouldn't be solely because she missed me and what we shared. Hardly. It'd be because the urban experience didn't live up to her romantic vision (a likely possibility) and because twisted sister was getting on her nerves (an extremely likely possibility). In other words, it'd be because her "rebound" wasn't working out. I, meanwhile, understand all that and can live with it. It'd be less than a smashing victory, of course, but, again, those are exceedingly rare. Would there be lingering trust issues? Probably. Would there be lingering resentment? Maybe, but I've tried hard to let go of that. Would there be doubts, hidden in the back of my mind, that she might do it again? Yes, there would, because I'm human. But that's the realistic big picture. You have to think -- and think hard -- about which issues are really most important to you. There are no guarantees in this business. If you do get another chance, you're going to have to accept that it will be on less-than-ideal terms and recognize that better terms were never likely to materialize to begin with. Or you could just "forget about her and move on," of course. I coulda skipped all the critical thinking and gone straight to that! Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 If you want her back you cannot always keep up the wall. If you keep the wall up forever, you'll lose them forever. She's making some overtures. Keep the lines of communication open but don't make any pushy moves. Let her come to you. When you feed a nut to a squirral out of your hand, initially the squirral will run away. If you put the nut on the ground and back off, the squirrel will run up take the nut and run off. So you put another nut out there..and another and another..until the squirrel is used to eating nuts from you. Then one day you hold the nut out in your hand and the squirrel comes up and take the nut out of your hand. Excellent post!!!! Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 And an excellent post by Brownstone as well. Nothing worth having comes with out risk. Nothing. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 i miss her a lot tonight, i know its best to stay NC, its just weird now knowing shes completely single now and missing me....so she says. i guess nothing i can do, if she doesnt come to me i have to move on. but i cant help but like wanting to open communication back up. but i know thats not a good idea i wish i didnt love her so much still, even after what happened Link to comment
emptyinside70 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 When you feed a nut to a squirral out of your hand, initially the squirral will run away. If you put the nut on the ground and back off, the squirrel will run up take the nut and run off... So how do you know if the squirrel is just taking the nut to be nice and already has another squirrel? Or if you should give said squirrel another nut? Link to comment
bexcelant Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Just make sure your nut is bigger than the other squirrels. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 so much talk about the squirrels. haha yall are great. havent heard from her in 5 days. not sure what to do really. guess keep moving forward. hard not to want to contact her now that shes single and admittedly hurting over me. im wondering if we should meet up and talk now that im the confident one, but i guess its out of my hands Link to comment
bexcelant Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Ellie, you can meet her anytime that you feel you're ready and that you think she's had enough time to think about things. There are no rules for NC and getting someone to go out with you. I have talked this over with many friends. The final answer I got? Go with your heart. Push until you get a no. If you get a no, then go NC if you can't stand the pain otherwise, be the platonic friend in waiting and date other girls. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 so much talk about the squirrels. haha yall are great. havent heard from her in 5 days. not sure what to do really. guess keep moving forward. hard not to want to contact her now that shes single and admittedly hurting over me. im wondering if we should meet up and talk now that im the confident one, but i guess its out of my hands Well she is doing what you told her to do. Stay away from you for awhile. So if you want contact, its up to you. Are you sure your the confident one? Link to comment
gee Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Well she is doing what you told her to do. Stay away from you for awhile. So if you want contact, its up to you. ^Very true! She is respecting your decision. It is entirely up to you to make contact w/ her. Do what you think is right. If you are ready to open the lines of communication and ready to start hearing what she has to say then do it. If you feel uncomfortable or uncertain about it then coninue NC. Good luck. gee Link to comment
ellie999 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 Well she is doing what you told her to do. Stay away from you for awhile. So if you want contact, its up to you. Are you sure your the confident one? youre right, she is respecting what i told her....which is actually what she said when i told her not to contact me haha....."ok. i respect that". and yes, i couldnt be more confident or happy with myself. these last four months have been real real good to me. and i know exactly what i would say to her i guess. im just not sure in how to play the situation. im not worried about it, if anything i have more patience than ever, but just the timing of when well both be in town is confusing and am unsure if i should call her or ask to meet. dont really want to seem like im chasing well see what happens Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 youre right, she is respecting what i told her....which is actually what she said when i told her not to contact me haha....."ok. i respect that". and yes, i couldnt be more confident or happy with myself. these last four months have been real real good to me. and i know exactly what i would say to her i guess. im just not sure in how to play the situation. im not worried about it, if anything i have more patience than ever, but just the timing of when well both be in town is confusing and am unsure if i should call her or ask to meet. dont really want to seem like im chasing well see what happens I dont see that as chasing, I see it as opening the door. If she refuses to meet and you persist, thats chasing. Link to comment
bexcelant Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 There is no way to know Ellie what will happen. You are just going to have to at some point in time, pick up the phone and call her. No doubt you will be nervous and uncertain...and a bit of pride swallowing. She might not answer and probably won't. But if you want to break the ice and go back in, you have to prove that you are the man. Consistency my friend. Link to comment
ellie999 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 There is no way to know Ellie what will happen. You are just going to have to at some point in time, pick up the phone and call her. No doubt you will be nervous and uncertain...and a bit of pride swallowing. She might not answer and probably won't. But if you want to break the ice and go back in, you have to prove that you are the man. Consistency my friend. right. i know if im gonna give anything a go im just gonna have to step up and go for it. thanks for talking me through this yall Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 right. i know if im gonna give anything a go im just gonna have to step up and go for it. thanks for talking me through this yall I know this is a tough call, but you may have a "window of opportunity." That's something you shouldn't dismiss out of hand. Link to comment
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