Having Trouble Connecting with Fiance - Trust Issues

[AC77]

A little background:

 

Been together for 1 1/2 years. Recently engaged. Good relationship. Very loving guy and is very good about responding constructively to any issues I bring up. I've had a hard time with his friendships with women during our time together. Not all women, just the ones that set off my red-flags. Historically, he's always seemed to feed off of the attention of women mostly I think due to his insecurities over being an over-weight, kinda awkward looking guy. He's never done any egregious flirting but he's been bad about not nipping friendships with inappropriate women in the bud. We've had issues with work associates, social connections, and most difficult - the ex.

 

We'll focus on the ex. She's never really let go of him and in the beginning, he was very receptive to her contact attempts. Would speak to her on the phone and reply to texts. She's been disrespectful to me and the relationship and not until I finally spoke up, did he do anything about it. And by doing something about it, all he did was start to ignore her. I know he doesn't want her but I think a small part of him is fed by her displeasure with our relationship and her reaching out. I found out recently that he was less than truthful about some contact attempts and that he'd been actively looking at her social networking profiles. When confronted by me, he was apologetic and made it clear that I'm the one he loves. I explained that my trust was broken and that I wasn't sure how to get it back.

 

Fast forward to now, I am having trouble feeling normal with him. Emotionally, physically (I don't feel like being sexual with him). Though there was no resolution to the most recent problem, we haven't really spoken about it since. We finally acknowledged today that there is an issue that needs to be addressed and we plan on discussing it this evening. I know exactly what it is. I still don't fully trust that he discloses everything to me and I don't trust that the ex is gone. Though I have no proof to think this. Just a gut feeling that won't go away. The thought of re-opening the case, as it were, with him tonight makes me feel nervous. I mean, what else can be said on the subject. It all boils down to my feelings.

 

A little help on how to communicate this effectively to him would be greatly appreciated.

[stabilo]

I feel like I have to comment here. I was with my ex-girlfriend for 2 years and throughout that entire time she kept friendships with these jerk boys. She always knew what they were doing; they were always contacting her; they always pissing me off. She'd always agree with me that they were jerks, yet would always mention them. I could'nt stop them contacting her BUT with the right words I could have stopped her from doing so. I was a wuss about it in the end. I did not like her contacting them but at the same time did not want to be overly controlling and pretty much let her get away with it. I told her I deserve more respect, but she still kept going behind my back. I think it was partly due to her age yet I think there are no excuses. My only advice is just be careful what you say but you have to make him realise that he has to nip certain people in the bud. It is the only way! But don't threaten him, coz that will result in him in contacting them more. Just my 2 cents!

[25thfloor]

on this matter, i would go with my gut. people amaze me when they, themselves have been less than truthful, expect us to just go with the flow. HE needs to stop disrespecting your relationship. she can only do harm if he allows her that freedom. he needs to put it all out on the table so you guys can have some boundaries.

[AC77]

I agree. I really need for him to put it all out on the table. Even the ugly stuff that he's afraid he'll get in trouble over.

 

that's the problem. I know he's not putting it ALL on the table. At this point, he knows I'm on to him but flat out refuses to come clean about everything. In order to move through this, I need total honestly. What can I do make him be honest?

 

Right now, I feel like suggesting some space. If I can't get him to be truthful, and I can't continue pretending that nothing's wrong, I've hit a brick wall. Is asking for space a bad idea? How should I go about suggesting it.

[25thfloor]

I agree. I really need for him to put it all out on the table. Even the ugly stuff that he's afraid he'll get in trouble over.

 

that's the problem. I know he's not putting it ALL on the table. At this point, he knows I'm on to him but flat out refuses to come clean about everything. In order to move through this, I need total honestly. What can I do make him be honest?

 

Right now, I feel like suggesting some space. If I can't get him to be truthful, and I can't continue pretending that nothing's wrong, I've hit a brick wall. Is asking for space a bad idea? How should I go about suggesting it.

 

if he can't be honest, you need to re-evaluate. he will only get worse over time.... keeping harmful secrets is not what you want in a relationship.

[stabilo]

I always find that asking for space is tricky. How often do you see your fiance? The only thing I can suggest is ask him to put himself in your shoes. Would he like it if he suspected you were constantly contacting other men, especially an ex? I did this with my ex and she quickly changed her tune but she was upset that she had upset me. It seems like your fiance either has nothing to hide, or not or that hes just being awkward. Just be calm about it, and mature and don't jump to conclusions whatever you do. I think hes probably just being awkward...and he probably uses the contacting as an ego boost but still there are no excuses really. He should be focused only on you.

[AC77]

We see each other regularly (daily) when he's in town. He travels for work, though. Just got off a 2 week tour and is home for 3 days, then back on tour for a week and 1/2.

 

It's so tough when trying to explain to someone that while you don't have concrete evidence of anything, your intuition is screaming at you to pay attention. Suspicious behavior is not proof, ya know?

 

I will do my best to remain calm and practical but what I think is best is to suggest he give me space to really think about things without having to keep up this facade that I'm alright. If I can't get him to open up, that seems like the only way. Trouble is now that he knows I'm on to him, I don't even see the point in snooping (not that I would) as it just stands to reason, he'd make sure there was nothing to find.

 

Ever hear of the term "gaslighting"? It basically means someone uses mind trickery to make someone else think they're nuts for being suspicious.

 

 

I know his dishonesty comes from a place that doesn't want to hurt me (or maybe a place that doesn't want to deal with me being mad) but what he doesn't realize is that I'm hurting so much right now because I feel like I'm being fooled by someone who I'm about to make a life-long commitment to. I feel like continuing to ignore my instincts here is just me making an a** out of myself.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

coming off of what i have just come off of- my advice is to not ignore your gut- there is something about a womans intuition that is keen and right on.

 

I can't explain it.

 

i feel that if you have a slight concern that .. goes away not to worry..

 

but if something just nags at you- like what you explained- then i would confront it head on.

 

and i have to be honest- everyone really frowns upon snooping- but if i didn't snoop and follow my gut i would still be with a manipulative cheater.

 

and thats no fun.

[AC77]

I understand what you're saying and if I suspected him of cheating, I might resort to snooping. I don't suspect him of having sex with anyone else. That said, I'd love to snoop. I just think it would be an exercise in futility. Again, because I'm on to him and have already told him of what I suspect, he'll just get rid of anything incriminating.

 

My biggest issue here is the lying. I suspect that the ex has contacted again. Just based on past performance. Thus, leads me to suspect that he's not being truthful again. Again, based on past performance.

 

I also suspect that he's got a nagging interest in her and even possibly an interest in other women. Not cheating, just reaffirmation that he can gain a reciprocal interest. Weird, right? Also his behavior the last few days, while normal to an extent, has been just slightly off.

 

I'm paying more attention now because of what we recently went through so I'm picking up every signal. It's driving me positively bat sh** crazy!!

[Circe]

If he said to you, "I don't want to get back with my ex and have no intention of being unfaithful to you, however, I still care about my ex and am still somewhat interested in her life and how she is doing and, from time to time, would like to take a call from her or at the very least, browse through her social networking pages."

 

What would you say?

[AC77]

If he said to you, "I don't want to get back with my ex and have no intention of being unfaithful to you, however, I still care about my ex and am still somewhat interested in her life and how she is doing and, from time to time, would like to take a call from her or at the very least, browse through her social networking pages."

 

What would you say?

 

 

We had that conversation months ago. I told him that although it made me uncomfortable due to the horrendous nature of their relationship, I would be fine with it as long as I knew about all of their communications. I ordinarily wouldn't be that rigid, but her contact attempts were always "drunk dials". Always with little jabs at us being together. Eventually, her disrespect got to a level that was highly inappropriate and was not at all what I would consider "friendly" keeping in touch. She is very unhappy about us being together and has said so to mutual friends. So now, if we had that conversation, I would say "Go for it. But you can't have me too."

 

There's no reason in the world to desire to keep in touch with someone who caused you pain and has been nothing but a trouble maker in our relationship.

[savignon]

I don't see any problem in keeping in touch with exes. However, I don't really keep in touch with any of mine as there's no point in it (for me). If I WERE in touch with an ex and they had a problem with my current relationship, I'd decide very quickly what was more important to me and that's my partner. It's not worth hurting him. PERIOD. I wouldn't even need his feedback. It would just be over.

Let him know how you feel and trust your gut.

[Circe]

There's no reason in the world to desire to keep in touch with someone who caused you pain and has been nothing but a trouble maker in our relationship.

 

Well, I can't disagree with that.