EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.

[cruuk]

Wow.. what a story. What can I say shocked.. Everyone feels for you.

 

Like most of us, things aren't working out for you at the moment, but the way you have handled things and treated the rest of us on this forum have been a huge inspiration.

 

I truly hope something good happens for you.

[Scout]

Shocked - I am surprised, but I shouldn't be. I am surprised because I can't understand how someone's confusion can last over six...long...months. I am surprised because I can't believe she had the nerve to build all this up yet again over the last two weeks...only to do the exact same thing again: cry and say she was confused and can't trust you.

 

Have you had enough yet? Are you ready to go through yet another bar of soap? If you truly have faith that this love is worth hanging in there for, I offer you all my support, and from now on will only give support, not beg you to walk away from her.

 

But I have to say this one last time: having followed your story for so long...and read your posts which are always so detailed and thorough...I seriously think this girl has a very weak character, and no matter how many psychology degrees she seeks, she is profoundly ill-equipped when it comes to a healthy, committed relationship. Worse, she has played very foolishly and recklessly with an incredibly deep love. I do not predict a happy future for someone this messed up, and at this point, although you are probably crushed, I sincerely believe you have escaped an exhausting relationship that would have filled few, if any, of your needs. I say this sincerely: let her be this other guy's problem now.

[craigblitz]

my man I am going to digest this... say some really un-nice things about your lying ex then pm you. Wow.... one thing out of all this is you maned up and did wat had to be done. Even though this outcome apparently looks bad I am glad you have the truth on things...

 

Sorry bro

[a_little_sparrow]

Wow, S&D!

 

It sounds to me like you handled this situation very well. And the part about letting her have the last word because you had nothing more to say was probably the best way of having a real last word on the matter.

 

If I may say here, I think it was pretty nervy of her to start going through your apartment opening all the cupboards, the way she did when you two first started dating. It just seems like the cruelest type of mixed signal that she could possibly send.

 

From the new subject line, it sounds as though you finally have closure. At least I hope you do. And what's more it's a closure that comes after a long period of self-healing and introspection. You should be happy for yourself, and stronger, and more ready for whatever comes next.

 

And remember there will be something next--there always is.

[Fletch F. Fletch]

S&D,

 

I am sorry that things ended up this way for you. I really am. I think that you handled yourself perfectly and said exactly what needed to be said. You drew the line, demonstrating that you are a strong and emotionally healthy person. You should be proud of yourself, though I am sure that is of little consolation for you at this point.

 

Once the emotions settle after this exchange, I am sure you will make decisions about next steps. Before then, it is an all too familiar routine of NC and healing. But it should be easier this time around.

 

I dont want to bash the exgf, as she is obviously very confused, and I think she is trying to find herself - she has made some choice that she will bear the consequences of. One thing to consider if you do remain open to the possibility of reconciliation in the future... you may be able to insist upon immediate couples counseling. She could be more receptive to that idea now, and it may be good for the both of you. Just a thought.

 

As usual, feel free to PM me.

 

Fletch

[shockeddismayed]

Well Guys...

 

Thanks for all of your comments. I appreciate them.

 

However I don't feel all of them were deserved. I needed to distill a 4 hour interaction into one post, so I had to keep things concise. I was pretty accurate up until the point where she said "well it was just sex". As you can imagine, after that things got a lot more heated and the patience on both our sides was out the window. It was the craziest interaction I have ever had with anyone. She was crying her eyes out, and we'd alternate between me yelling at her, her throwing her arms around me and begging forgiveness, me giving in and kissing her and then just pulling away from her and just staring at her eyes... she could totally see the disappointment, frustration and anger there... as well as the legitimacy of my original feelings. This went on for a while while I tried to get her to leave.

 

Finally, I got my "licenced to act like an idiot" credit card. She'd made this up for me when she first "let me in" as a boyfriend (well, I guess now I'd say IF I was EVER "in") because she and her best friend both carried them, and had decided I was "worthy". So needless to say, this card had ALOT of significance. Anyway, I gave it back to her and said "you can keep this since you've played me like an idiot". When she wouldn't take it I cut it up in front of her.

 

Oh man.... so yeah... I guess I'd say that there isn't much hope of recovery from the things that have happened. I feel so frustrated that things shouldn't have happened at all this way... that if she'd left me alone (and if I'd been stricter with NC), then we'd never have spent the last 6 months building up more injuries. As it is, it seems that things just spiralled away from us, along with all rational thought.

 

It would have been better if I'd just left her alone until she was begging to come back, and if she'd just left me alone until she'd dated this other guy and FULLY put him out of her mind again. Instead, her stringing me along, and me giving too much created an implosion.

 

So anyway.. just a few responses to your helpful comments:

 

Muneca: I think the marriage stuff was just an excuse. Keep in mind it didn't come out until she was desparate to justify her actions (she'd already driven home from "the event"). For background, for the first 5 years of the relationship we were both in school, so while we were "ready" emotionally (and talked about it all the time), it just wasn't feasible (at times we were even in different cities). In the last two years, I was fresh out of school with student debts, and working for a startup (so not making my worth, but getting great experience). I had no money, so yeah... she might have wanted me to leave my job and get a more traditional one at times, but she was also very excited about what I did, both for me and for her. We made future plans ALL the time (even designed our own dream home). If she wasn't being honest, then there was no clue.... and in fact several of the times when I brought up wanting to hurry up and get married, she'd said there was no rush.

 

Scout and others: "Strength of character". Oh boy... well the truth of the matter is that she has been having A LOT of trouble with this breakup. We've talked about it a lot (probably too much). But she's been feeling she's totally lost touch with herself... and she admitted during our fight that she DOES realize she's behaved poorly and irrationally. She even said she's been so deep in depression that she's felt suicidal as a way to escape the turmoil she feels. So I don't disbelieve her when she says she feels lost... that she's stalled trying to recover from the pain and thereforeeee stalled making decisions about her future (ie me, the other guy... etc). That's why she's been stringing things out. She also admitted that she KNOWS that I will be in a better place to recover than her... and she is seeking counselling to fix herself.

 

All of that said... TOO BAD!!! At some point she has to step up and be accountable for her actions. If she is messed up, fix herself without involving others and "please don't drag me down!" Jack Johson in "Flake" (Everyone should listen to that song again after a breakup... you'll get it.)

 

Fletch: You'll notice I used your advice about forgiveness... as for the couples counselling. I mentioned that to her... that if she'd stopped trying to have these crazy, emotion-laden conversations, and trying to be our therapist too, we probably wouldn't have both gone mad. However at this point, I don't know if there is any recovering from the things that have taken place. We turned each other and behaved terribly toward each other.

 

Anyway, at this point I'm not going near her with a ten foot pole. We've totally messed up.

 

What makes me feel so terrible is that IT WAS LEGITIMATE.... it was just that she wasn't ready for it at the beginning... and then I got sick of her uncertainty and (unfortunately) carried it with me in the relationship.

 

On her side... the trust issues destroyed the original relationship, and her TOTAL lack of experience with relationships, coupled with her instability has screwed up any chance for reconciliation. My gut tells me that she must not have been telling everything to her friends (too ashamed) otherwise they'd have said "look, if you want any chance with S&D, you need to LEAVE HIM ALONE."

 

Tragic really... the way people who love each other can treat each other when they focus on their own pain... instead of their own love.

[craigblitz]

"Oh man.... so yeah... I guess I'd say that there isn't much hope of recovery from the things that have happened."

 

S&D your being an idiot. If you do not think after the fires clear a little that she will not see what happened as just emotions going to far in a difficult situation then you are sadly mistaken?. Bro, I am not going to try to convince you other wise but I will let ya know I am still here when you guys "meet for coffee" again. It will be a while but it will happened.

 

"Tragic really... the way people who love each other can treat each other when they focus on their own pain... instead of their own love."

 

That comes with maturity and experience. S&D there is obviosuly a lot of love between the 2 of you and that does not die easy. All the issues you guys have are workable so we will see what happeneds.

 

Do not be so hard on yourself either. Granted I know your story a million times better then hers but if you did not get mad after a woman you love looks at you a was like it is just sex I would have to question your love and manhood to be honest. Nobody wants to think of the person they love with someone else... yuck!!! Then when she plays it off like nothing... good lord I have no idea how I would react.... In fact yeah I do but that is a different story. You handled it fine.

 

Face it, we all have a limit to patience, and she has used all of yours for now. Step back like you are doing and let things blow over. I am giving you heads up right now if you think this is over bro, you are being an idiot.

 

Talk to ya later

[Mun]

Oh my God! Craig I don't believe you said that!.. that having been said.. I totally agree.

 

There is still too much here. Schocked you are right.. you should have pulled away the minute she gave you the message that she was still confused instead of trying to "rush" it. I know this from experience .

Oh well... thats old news now.

 

Look, you stood up for yourself and told her exactly what you feel. She has to respect that.

 

Take your time working through this ( on your own).I hate to say this but you guys are still very young, you are both going through a period of finding out WHO you each are. You said in your post that both of you were crying and going mad at the same time-- you obviously still care very much for each other. You've just done some major damage to the relationship. If there is ever any hope then there's some growing up that has to take place.

 

The best thing right now is TIME and DISTANCE.

[craigblitz]

Just so everyone knows S&D is by FAR not an idiot. I re-read my post and it sounds like I am being a jerk, S&D I hope you know I hold you in a lot higher regard then that and I am pretyy sure you do.

 

We all can be idiots when trying to deal with situations like this, I look back at my first post's and I am like wow I was an idiot. I have had a few people mention it to me and wanted to set the record straight

[JustPlainSad]

I have had a few people mention it to me and wanted to set the record straight

 

I'm one of them

[shockeddismayed]

Don't worry Gang,

 

I pm back and forth with Craigblitz all the time... so I knew that was his "pm" voice and he was just reacting with familiarity.

 

No harm no foul.

[Scout]

Which I'm sure is nothing compared to my PM voice!