rapunzel Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 My birthday is Thursday. I've made plans with friends so I won't be home alone wondering if I'll get a b-day greeting from HIM. Of course, though, I have been wondering if he'll acknowledge my b-day. I highly doubt he'll forget, he remembered the last two years with no reminder or mention from me. I spent my last two birthdays with him. Either way, it doesn't matter. Yet I can't help but feel a bit of trepidation as the date approaches. We had a show together this past weekend and we all went out afterwards for a drink. I did feel OK with all these other people around and he sat at the other end of the table. It felt comfortable yet I still worry that he can tell I'm not completely free of feelings for him. I'm a good actress though so I need to let go of these worries, it doesn't matter. He complimented me on my performance. Gradually I am truly internalizing that it is OVER and he is not ever coming back. He probably knows that after two rejections and with us working together, he could not try again and I could not welcome him back. Besides if he was really into me, he would not have rejected me twice as he is fully aware of the consequences, having gone through it with his last girlfriend who he desparately wanted ONLY after she just wanted to be "friends". It still makes me sad but it is was it is. Link to comment
KG Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 If he doesn't send one, I hope you will enjoy the day anyway. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 I understand WHY its on your mind... but really... what is the right answer here? If he sends one you'll just tear it apart like the last time he sent you an email... you'll know in your heart it means nothing yet there will be something in your that reads the one sentence he wrote you over and over again... wondering what it means or he is dong it to you again or something... If he doesn't acknowledge you'll torture yourself much the same way... like how could he forget... he remembered the last two years why not this one??? Either way its a lose lose situation... either senario plays out badly. What you need to do is focus on you... your day and your plans... who cares if he sends an acknowledgement? Enjoy your day! It only happens once a year... make the most of it! Hopefully your friends will have you do something different so you have fond memories of this day with no ties with your ex ---- EXAMPLE : find a paint your pottery place and paint a plate and have everyone sign it or make a small design on it... with some cheap supplies make a stepping stone together... go to a new place in town... MAKE IT YOUR DAY... about you and only you!!!! Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 15, 2009 Author Share Posted June 15, 2009 Thanks, you are right. I do have good, supportive friends and I will have a good time with them no matter what. Generally I don't make a big deal about birthdays but this year I'm going to try to make it special. We will be doing things and going places that have NO connection to him, so no worries there! Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 I did not respond to his last email he sent a couple of weeks ago, where he said he was "very happy I was staying in the band" and "It would have been a real drag to lose you from this project". It did not seem to invite a reply, and it seemed void of emotion - other than his "happiness". So he might just decide not to acknowledge my birthday. Our bandmates' b-day is the next day, so it's possible he'll send a group email saying happy b-day to both. That is my prediction. Yeah, I know - why am I even wasting any time thinking of this? In two days I'll know, and then it will be over, just like any other day. I'm just venting.... Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I did not respond to his last email he sent a couple of weeks ago, where he said he was "very happy I was staying in the band" and "It would have been a real drag to lose you from this project". It did not seem to invite a reply, and it seemed void of emotion - other than his "happiness". So he might just decide not to acknowledge my birthday. Our bandmates' b-day is the next day, so it's possible he'll send a group email saying happy b-day to both. That is my prediction. Yeah, I know - why am I even wasting any time thinking of this? In two days I'll know, and then it will be over, just like any other day. I'm just venting.... Yes.... You are still picking apart the last email... whether or not he says anything on your bday you'll read into it what you want. Let it go... do not be concerned one way or the other. Make plans for you day and start thinking or writing about that and not pick apart an email sent a few weeks ago. Hugs and good luck. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Hey Rapunzel! First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! (In advance, in case I'm not on and don't get a chance to post on Thursday) Second, the BEST thing you can do is occupy yourself on your birthday and do things that make you happy -- spend time with friends (which you plan to do) and celebrate YOU. Whether he contacts you or not should be of no consequence. If he doesn't, you can't read too much into that. Likewise, if he DOES, don't read too much into that either. I wish people I barely know (i.e. co-workers) a happy birthday all the time -- and completely forget other peoples' birthdays, people I'm close to (totally unintentionally), and it isn't a reflection of how I feel about them at all. Birthdays are hard. We're taught growing up that they are very special occasions, and we tend to expect our birthdays to be great and that those we love will make a big deal of them; as we get older, our birthdays often tend to get less "special" -- the fanfare and excitement and special-ness isn't really there anymore, but the expectations still are, and there's alot of potential for disappointment. I always joke that my parents are to blame for my disappointing birthday experiences in my adulthood because they always made my childhood birthdays SO special -- wonderful parties (trips to the beach, amusement parks, etc.), my favorite cake, decorations, lots of presents, etc. Man, I've had some disappointing birthdays as an adult! But, I digress... My point is that you (and me, and everyone), shouldn't put too much stock in other peoples' choices -- in this case, your ex's choice to remember or not remember your birthday. If he remembers, it doesn't mean anything in particular. If he forgets, it also doesn't mean anything in particular. What matters is what YOU make of it. It's YOUR day! My ex has only acknowledged my birthday once, two years ago, and only because I reminded him when it was (ugh). Last year, I knew he wouldn't remember, and, anyway, he was still with his gf (previous ex), and I didn't expect acknowledgement anyway. By all accounts, it was a pretty uneventful day. I exercised, went shopping (bought myself a few goodies), and drove around listening to a CD that a very good friend of mine had made for me especially for my birthday. The next night, a friend took me to a nice dinner to celebrate. Nothing earth shattering, but it was good because I was in the mindset that I was going to make it good, regardless of what my ex did or did not do. He barely registered on my radar all that day, which was great. So...my advice to you. Go out, enjoy your day, have a blast, and celebrate yourself and being with good friends. You deserve a great day! Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 Thanks browneyedgirl. So happy birthday to me! I agree that birthdays can set up all kinds of expectations. So I've always not made a big deal on my b-day for that reason. I'm visiting my mom, who gave birth to me after all. We are going to have lunch. I may have a massage later today. Then I am meeting some friends for dinner and going out to hear some music, a singer I used to idolize when I was in college. So my ex-ex (the one I broke up with) called yesterday and took me to dinner last night. It was very sweet of him. It's been 2 years and he is fine with being friends. So it can happen. I still feel sad about the end of that relationship as I spent 4.5 years with him, but I knew I would not be happy married to him. After 6 months I had serious doubts but I stayed in the relationship, hoping it would get better. Again I learned that people do not really change all that much. But he is a good guy and last night we had some laughs. As for my ex, well it's early yet and I'm still having coffee. Yeah, I know, it doesn't matter if he acknowledges my birthday or not. I am quite convinced that he DOES remember based on knowing him for the last 2.5 years. If he skips it, I do feel it will be an intentional message but again, his choices are his. I dunno, I think he may decide to "forget" because he won't want to lead me on in anyway. IT DOESN'T MATTER. It is a lifelong lesson detaching oneself from what others think, feel and do and not letting OTHERS impact our moods and the way we feel about ourselves. On my birthday I have to remind myself that I come before HIM or anyone. I do not let one person's actions, thoughts and desires diminish me. I will continue to fight this battle with my inner "parasite" to the death. It's all in my head, it's not in anyone else's head. They have their own heads to deal with! No matter what HE or anyone thinks, I know my inherent worth as someone who was born on this planet. So happy birthday to me! Link to comment
tushboy Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Its funny you bring this up. This weekend was my brthday and surprisingly my ex not only msgd but also called to wish. The weird thing was it meant NOTHING to me. The conversation was so blah and excrutiatingly boring that it made no difference to me whatsoever. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 Interesting, TB. But you've fallen for someone else, and that is why his birthday greeting meant absolutely nothing to you! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Happy birthday! I don't think it requires falling for someone else in order to feel neutral hearing from an ex - it can happen just the same even if there is no one in your life. hope you had a great day with your friends, and otherwise. Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 I was kicking around the idea of sending my ex a birthday wish, but I know 99.9% of people would say no. She didn't send me one either, then again - I've had her blocked every way besides via regular mail. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Happy Birthday R - make it one to remember!!!! Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Holy crap, it's Thursday. I don't even know what day it is. Happy birthday! Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 Thanks all. I am having a nice day. I do believe what I wrote earlier but I think I'm going to feel worse if he does not acknowledge my birthday. But I did not reply to his last email he sent (yeah, I know Cats) so he probably thinks he should stop contacting me realizes he should leave me alone, and the truth is, it is best that way. But I still had hope he would send me a birthday greeting. The day isn't over yet but I'm preparing for the idea that it will pass with no word from him. And I know this is just as well. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 Well, he sent a text. First time he has ever texted me (he didn't have a cellphone when we first got together). It said "happy bday R! Hope u r enjoying the day...." I feel better that he at least acknowledged it while I know full well it doesn't mean anything. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Rapunzel, I'm glad he acknowledged your bday with a text. That must have put your heart and mind at ease. Link to comment
canali Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Happy Birthday! But let us know: does it make you pine for him more now? either way it's a catch 22 situation: they ignore you and you feel hurt are angry but still miss them and the attention...vs...they email you and you also feel hurt as you miss them and wonder if their greetings are something more than what they are. sucks both ways....pay more attention to the real love and good blessings that you do have in your life right now. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 Thank you Ren and canali.... You are absolutely right, canali...I wonder if I did not work with him in the band if he would have bothered sending me a birthday greeting. I know that I should not try to figure out his motives but my guess is it was a continued attempt to smooth the waters and not be the "bad" guy. It doesn't make me pine for him more, but I will admit I smiled and felt a lift when I saw the text...it made me think "he's thinking of me"....but before I let my mind go to "he still cares about me", I quickly reminded myself that it was innocuous and he only cares about me as a friend. Several hours later I did text him back a "thank you!" I do try to count my blessings and I do have real love from family and friends. I just feel lonely and hope my romantic life isn't over. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 Oh...and his 50th birthday is next month. So does this mean I have to send him a happy birthday greeting? It's a pretty big milestone (although he still claims to be 43 on line....) Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Now R take a huge deep breath... you've past another milestone and lived to tell about it! I hope you had a great day yesterday as you deserved it! But DO NOT sit here for the next 30day and focus on his bday. Let it go. By sitting here wondering if you need to send a greeting you are allowing yourself to be stuck in the same place... when do you move on? First it was Memorial Day Weekend, then Your Birthday, now his Birthday... when do you let it go and move on? I'm not trying to sound cruel. Its just I don't see you getting over this... you keep creating obstacles that keep you stuck where you are at right now. Stop focusing on him and what he is doing or not doing or whether he is lying about his age. That is not your concern. Its time for tough love R... You can do it... you really can... Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 thanks.....I am letting it go. Or let's say, I'll try. It is actually a month away and I have a lot going on in the next few weeks so I can't let this thought clutter my mind. But in my defense, and I'm sure you can relate, it is exceedingly difficult to remove the thoughts completely when you have to see the person 2-4x/month and there is no one else in the picture. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 thanks.....I am letting it go. Or let's say, I'll try. It is actually a month away and I have a lot going on in the next few weeks so I can't let this thought clutter my mind. But in my defense, and I'm sure you can relate, it is exceedingly difficult to remove the thoughts completely when you have to see the person 2-4x/month and there is no one else in the picture. No it's not easy but remember you evaluated the risk/benefit of staying with the band and decided you could deal with it and didn't want to quit the band - so it's not really a "have to". I may have made exactly the same decision - and still had the same feelings you do -- but I would have reminded myself that it wasn't a "have to" which I think will be a good reminder for your moving on process. Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Happy Belated Birthday, rapunzel! Celebrate you! ...I do not let one person's actions, thoughts and desires diminish me. I will continue to fight this battle with my inner "parasite" to the death. It's all in my head, it's not in anyone else's head... For a fraction of a second I misread this as "... my inner 'paradise'..." ;-) If only we could change our inner "parasite" into our inner "paradise" so easily! Maybe? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I think you need to go into the thought stopping process where you get him out of the center of your thinking. It shouldn't be an issue whether he sends a birthday greeting, or whether you send one. The fact that this was such a big issue in your mind means you are still wanting him to be a 'special' person to you and are thinking about him too much. Try to limit your thinking of him to 5 minutes a day, morning and night, at a set time. The rest of the time, fill your life with other things and other people. you have to put your attachment to him into perspective, and to stop obsessing about him or giving him any special status you wouldn't give to any other friend. The way to do that is to make the amount you think about him match the real circumstances, i.e., you only see him just like you see all the other members of the band, and you shouldn't spend any time you aren't actively working with him thinking about him. So you need to wean yourself off the idea of him, and stop the obsession before your mind and heart will be open to other people and things. Obsession feeds on itself, and you must break it to get joy back into your life. Link to comment
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