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should i meet up with a guy i casually dated but is now married?


mentee

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hi ENAers

 

background:

i'm moving to a new city accross the country where i have only a handful of friends .. there is a great guy who i had met 5 years ago in this city when i spent a summer there before medical school thinking i was going to go there for school .. instead i chose a different school in a city 3,000 miles away .. it was no big deal as he and i only casually dated .. we'd went out a few times, had dinner, kissed, held hands, maybe fooled around once (i'm embarrassed that i don't remember) then i left .. he and i kept in touch though, totally platonic .. a long email once or twice a year letting each other know how we're doing and everything we've been up to .. so when i found out i was moving to that city for training, i let him know and told him i was excited to meet up as we've always been planning to meet up whenever we were in each other's towns ..

 

his response was "Sooo.. I'm now married. A lot changes in 5 years! Does that rule out meeting up?"

 

i was surprised by the email .. first because he never mentioned anything about his personal relationships so i didn't even know he was with someone .. but then again i didn't mention my personal relationships either .. we were never close enough to mention those things .. mainly discussed what we were doing professionally, where we've traveled, and what our future plans were ... and maybe none of those things ever included a partner so it went unmentioned .. anyway, i never thought that his being married should rule out any kind of friendship or meeting up because we only casually dated and never slept together .. he's a really respectful person who's extremely intelligent, kind, mature, and creative .. and we share a lot of interests .. i'd love to be friends and meet his friends as well and network .. the fact that he even questions whether i would want to meet up or not based on the fact that he's now married makes me feel uneasy .. why would he say that? and if it was a problem, shouldn't it be his problem and not something that would be a problem for me? i'd love to meet his wife and be friends too ... but his comment just makes me feel like something's not quite right .. opinions?

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Could be his way of saying "he's spoken for". I wouldn't give it much thought unless he gives off any other indicator that would make you pause and suspect something was up.

 

I think you're on the right track, though, in hoping to be able to network through him once you're settled.

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He was asking if you still wanted to see him even though he's married and from your post it seems like you would. If he was going to act in any inappropriate way don't you think he'd have shown his true nature before now? I would suggest inviting his wife and/or meeting for lunch.

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Gotcha .. i mean i'm glad he told me he was married and hope he'll want to introduce me to his wife .. just didn't understand why he'd wonder if i wouldn't want to meet up after that ... now i'm guessing he might have thought i was interested in him which was something i didn't consider before, as we've never ever ever flirted or insinuated that we were even romantically interested or still attracted .. perhaps that was it?

 

but yes, need to network with good-hearted people (:

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He was asking if you still wanted to see him even though he's married .

 

yes and my question was why would i not want to? so i was thrown off .. and that made me wonder if there was a reason i shouldn't

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To be honest, I would also mention I was married if I was chatting to someone I once dated and who wanted to meet up. It just puts everything in their place doesnt it really, probably just in case you were interested or you thought he was!

 

He's only saying it because you dated once and he wanted to let you know he's married. Nothing wrong with that. Are you a little but gutted that he's married? May not.

 

Well yeh, meet up and include his wife in these invitations.

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5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships

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