mentee Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 hi ENAers background: i'm moving to a new city accross the country where i have only a handful of friends .. there is a great guy who i had met 5 years ago in this city when i spent a summer there before medical school thinking i was going to go there for school .. instead i chose a different school in a city 3,000 miles away .. it was no big deal as he and i only casually dated .. we'd went out a few times, had dinner, kissed, held hands, maybe fooled around once (i'm embarrassed that i don't remember) then i left .. he and i kept in touch though, totally platonic .. a long email once or twice a year letting each other know how we're doing and everything we've been up to .. so when i found out i was moving to that city for training, i let him know and told him i was excited to meet up as we've always been planning to meet up whenever we were in each other's towns .. his response was "Sooo.. I'm now married. A lot changes in 5 years! Does that rule out meeting up?" i was surprised by the email .. first because he never mentioned anything about his personal relationships so i didn't even know he was with someone .. but then again i didn't mention my personal relationships either .. we were never close enough to mention those things .. mainly discussed what we were doing professionally, where we've traveled, and what our future plans were ... and maybe none of those things ever included a partner so it went unmentioned .. anyway, i never thought that his being married should rule out any kind of friendship or meeting up because we only casually dated and never slept together .. he's a really respectful person who's extremely intelligent, kind, mature, and creative .. and we share a lot of interests .. i'd love to be friends and meet his friends as well and network .. the fact that he even questions whether i would want to meet up or not based on the fact that he's now married makes me feel uneasy .. why would he say that? and if it was a problem, shouldn't it be his problem and not something that would be a problem for me? i'd love to meet his wife and be friends too ... but his comment just makes me feel like something's not quite right .. opinions? Link to comment
retired1 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Could be his way of saying "he's spoken for". I wouldn't give it much thought unless he gives off any other indicator that would make you pause and suspect something was up. I think you're on the right track, though, in hoping to be able to network through him once you're settled. Link to comment
waveseer Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 He was asking if you still wanted to see him even though he's married and from your post it seems like you would. If he was going to act in any inappropriate way don't you think he'd have shown his true nature before now? I would suggest inviting his wife and/or meeting for lunch. Link to comment
mentee Posted June 15, 2009 Author Share Posted June 15, 2009 Gotcha .. i mean i'm glad he told me he was married and hope he'll want to introduce me to his wife .. just didn't understand why he'd wonder if i wouldn't want to meet up after that ... now i'm guessing he might have thought i was interested in him which was something i didn't consider before, as we've never ever ever flirted or insinuated that we were even romantically interested or still attracted .. perhaps that was it? but yes, need to network with good-hearted people (: Link to comment
mentee Posted June 15, 2009 Author Share Posted June 15, 2009 He was asking if you still wanted to see him even though he's married . yes and my question was why would i not want to? so i was thrown off .. and that made me wonder if there was a reason i shouldn't Link to comment
waveseer Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 yes and my question was why would i not want to? so i was thrown off .. and that made me wonder if there was a reason i shouldn't I think he was trying to be considerate just in case you had ideas. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 To be honest, I would also mention I was married if I was chatting to someone I once dated and who wanted to meet up. It just puts everything in their place doesnt it really, probably just in case you were interested or you thought he was! He's only saying it because you dated once and he wanted to let you know he's married. Nothing wrong with that. Are you a little but gutted that he's married? May not. Well yeh, meet up and include his wife in these invitations. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Yeah, I would just respond with a congratulations and you would love to meet him and his wife. Link to comment
angellight Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 I think you should meet up with him and his wife..there is nothing wrong with being friends so long as everything is on the up and up and his wife is included.. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 I agree with all the others - if you do have plans to meet, make it very clear to include his wife, so as to avoid any misunderstandings for all concerned. Link to comment
mentee Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 thank you so much guys! that's what i did .. i congratulated him, asked him to tell me more about his wife, and asked to meet up with both .. hope she's cool with it! Link to comment
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