Depression, Homesickness, Family Drama...

[HellFrost666]

Today at around 1pm my girlfriend and I were supposed to be leaving the country for three weeks.

 

That all changed when my sister (who we were supposed to stay with) told me this was a bad time to visit because there was a death in my Brother in Law's family. So, I asked my Mom if we could stay with her. She told me, in a very rude way that it was not an option, because she doesn't like my girlfriend and doesn't want her staying there in her house. She tried to "fix it" by offering to let me stay there alone and having my girlfriend stay in a hotel. I told her there was no way.

 

Since then my sister has jumped on my Mom's bandwago and said we aren't allowed to stay at her house from now on when we got there, for the same reasons.

 

This is not a thread for discussing my travel plans... I know people will reply and tell me to go somewhere else, stay somewhere else, etc. But that's really not the point. It's not what I am asking for advice about.

 

I just hate fighting with my Mom and sister over something that won't change (my relationship.) They hate my girlfriend so much... but they can't give me one vallid reason why.

 

My sister and I are very close and it baffles me why this is suddenly such an issue. Her and I even argues about it the other night in IMs...

 

And, whenever I start making plans to go home, I also start getting homesick. Because I start thinking about home a lot... it's a normal reaction I guess. Except now I feel homesick and can't go home. (not soon anyway, since I guess now we have to save up enough money to stay in a hotel when we go.)

 

And on top of that I've just been depressed lately anyway. I am sitting here all by myself with no one to talk to. I just needed to get this out I guess.

[hk87]

The choice of partner is yours, and yours alone. If your gf had done something to upset or offend your family then I can understand them being awkward, but if this has not happened then your family need to accept your partner. Or they risk losing contact with you as you love her just as much as your family. Your family need to understand this and put their feelings aside for your sake.

 

hk87

[HellFrost666]

^ She's never done anything to offend them. She doesn't even speak the same language as they do... They just think she's not good enough for me which I really don't understand. I mean, who the hell am I? It's not like I am anyone special.

 

My Dad and my two brothers don't have any issues with her. It's just my Mom and sister.

[Miss Firecracker]

But there is really nothing that can be done. It's a choice you have to make. All I can say is they must really have a terrific dislike for the girl if they won't even allow her to walk into their homes.

 

Maybe there is a valid reason that they will not tell you because they know you won't believe them. Maybe they see something very clear and you can't because you are blinded by love for her.

 

Life isn't easy, HF, not ever. Looks like you have to part ways with your family, at least as long as you are with her. Must be a very lonely feeling. If it were me, I'd seriously try to get to the bottom of the reason behind this.

[comfyshoes]

I feel for you my friend. I can remember you posting on a thread a made about family issues not so very long ago. There is not much i can do by way of offering advice to i guess. I know you are homesick and how hard that is to deal with.

All i can suggest is that you do as you mentioned and save a little longer and stay in a hotel when you go back home.

I sometimes wonder why the people that are supposed to love us most can hurt us so much. You certainly don't expect that from family.

 

Good for you for standing by the woman you love and not bowing to family prejudices, even if only for the duration of the visit

[Ellie2006]

^ She's never done anything to offend them. She doesn't even speak the same language as they do... They just think she's not good enough for me which I really don't understand. I mean, who the hell am I? It's not like I am anyone special.

 

My Dad and my two brothers don't have any issues with her. It's just my Mom and sister.

 

I've seen this happen with other families where mom/sis has an issue with son/brother's partner.

 

It has nothing to do with your gf but all to do with how your mom/sis has pigeonholed her. (are they really traditional, by any chance?)

 

I think they must think that they still have a chance to change your mind about your gf but from what I've seen, they usually accept the gf (or become resigned to her presence in your life) once it becomes clear that you wont change your mind.

 

The hard part, I think, is staying your ground and (kind of) ignoring their words and inadvertent efforts to break you two up.

 

Will you still go home? The strange thing about homesickness is when you do get to that physical space you come to realize at some point that "you can never go home again" -- i.e. homesickness, for me anyway, is a longing for a specific milieu that was shaped by a specific interaction with a specific group of people -- once that group dynamic changes, even if you do go home and meet the same people, it's no longer the same "home" you've been craving.

 

Just a thought.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[itsallgrand]

Wow. Any chance they are simply really jealous?

 

Your girl gets to see you all the time, be close to you, influence your decisions.

You stand by her, obviously really love her and have committed to her.

 

Those are all good things overall, but then thinking of it from your mom and sister's end: they don't get to see you so much, aren't involved in your day to day life, don't get those same chances to feel so close to you.

 

I'm just saying they may feel threatened and like they are being pushed out. Whether reasonable or not, they could be jealous of your gf and are having troubles coming to terms with that.

 

So instead of 'sucking it up', they are forcing you into a corner. I don't know, maybe hoping that they can get you alone to themselves for a while without another influencial woman in your life there, and also maybe wanting you to show them you still have some loyalty to them.

 

It's a backwards way to go about trying to get closer to you, but is it possible??

 

Have you spent any time just with the family? I understand standing up for the gf and wanting to spend vacations together and to be upset that your mom has made it so clear she isn't welcome in her home.

 

Thing is though, standing on principles when it comes to family can end in long drawn out things. Is there a compromise in here somewhere?

 

My grandma hated my mom. I mean, openly - before and after their marriage, all through my growing up, made it clear mom wasn't welcome in her home. FOR YEARS when I was little, my dad didn't go there, we as a family didn't, to my grandma's home. My dad grew up speaking french, mom came from a different culture. Grandma said she hated her because she wasn't french; that was just an excuse. She hated her because she felt mom took my dad away from her. See the commonalities? It doesn't even have to make logical sense - dad had left even before meeting my mom, she just didn't want to see it that way.

 

I remember visits to g and p's house, where grandma would speak to us kids in french and dad - trying to exclude mom - and dad would say something in english to the effect that "oh gotta go home now, then, work to do" and she'd straighten back out.

 

For each time we as a family went, dad went alone. It was important to him, and I know my gma quite well now, she's stubborn as an ox - I probably would not have had a relationship with g and p had dad not reached out, and mom supported him in that.

 

Whatever you choose too, sounds like your gf will support you. And hope you get that vacation SOON!!

[Siriana]

Seriously I don't get them.

Even if they hate her they should be polite enough to let you come with her to visit them.

The expectation of you coming alone or her staying at the hotel is extremely rude.

Since she never offended them, I don't get it.

 

Are you acting differently around them when you're with your gf?

Do you spend enough time with them?

Do they have some time with you alone?

^ btw Even that can't justify their silly behaviour.

 

Could you arrive few days sooner than your gf so that they can have some private time with you? You could have 7 days with your family solo and she could join in after that? Maybe your mom will see this as a good solution and agree to have her there?