i heard from her today

[FriendnorFoe]

I am no longer mad, its not in me to hate or hold grudges, especially towards one who did what she thought was best, and from her shoes it was in analyzing myself. This is what is in my brain, sometimes wonder whats going through hers.

 

Do people think there is more reconciliation possibility in breakups due to negligence or overavailability or does it not matter.

[becca0194]

Did anybody have a hard time hitting the 1 month mark? Its been a month for me and I have not spoken to him since. I began NC the day he broke up w/ me and neither one has made contact. I feel like absolute crap Why does this seem more permanant today?! Everything is down, hopes and faith are not here today. I just dont understant how someone can cut somebody else completely out of their life. Really struggling today and my mom is coming to down. I have to try to put in a happy face for her. I feel like a wet blanket on this site sometimes. I have rare times of actually feeling ok, most the time I feel like crap. Sorry, just venting.

 

Amanda,

 

First of all, you are never a wet blanket on here !!! We have all been in your shoes and KNOW how bad you are hurting. This is the place to come for support, so never feel like that. Vent away all day long if that helps you get through this.

 

The one month mark was a tough one for me. It also fell on his birthday which did not help. When we first broke up I could not imagine that I would not talk to him for a week, better yet a month. Next week it will be 7 months for me. I am still hurting and struggling with the "why's" of this. BUT, at the one month mark, I stayed in bed all day, cried and the only food I ate was mint chocolate chip ice cream. 7 months later I am keeping busy, riding my bike everyday and starting to enjoy things again. You will feel better. I promise you this.

 

What do you have planned for tomorrow? Maybe you can plan something and pamper yourself. A pedicure? Comfy new pajamas? When is your mom coming to visit? That might be a great distraction for you. Is she comforting for you?

 

Let me know how you are doing.

[AmandaB]

Things are alright. Went on a hike yesturday and saw Angels and Demons today. I did speak w/ his mother though and found out some disturbing information. My ex has been going out basically every weekend since we broke up. She has said that he stays out until 2 or 3 in the morning and that last night he didnt even come home. She left at work around 5 am and he still was not there. To me it hurts, usually when people come home that late they were doing something nasty w/ someone else (one night stand, etc.) I guess he is buying all sorts of things w/out having a job. He's putting it all on credit. He is having the time of his life while I have been at home crying. Going out every Friday and Saturday night and staying out until all hours. Just the thought of him doing sexual activity w/ someone else just kills me. Hurts me so much. There is just one other alternative, he could be at the after hours clubs because we have those here in Vegas. Once one clubs shuts down for the night anther one opens up until dawn. But to me he was w/ another girl, and it rips my heart out. Its like he couldnt wait for me to be gone so that he could really have some fun. Keep in mind he usually is not that interested in the club scene. Its not even confirmed whether or not he is at a club. He could have already found someone else. His own mother tells me that I need to move on and that I will find someone better.

 

Any males in here, is that common for men to go out and drink alot when they break up? Ive noticed that women do the crying and the depression but what do men do? This behavior is so unlike him. Just the thought of him w/ someone else kills me.

[AmandaB]

Its good to know that that is common but as you see from my post above the 1 month mark date was not a good one. Just found out all this crappy info.

[gottabelieve]

As a male who has been on both sides of break-ups over the past four months in two different relationships - broke up with a gf of 1.5yrs and immediately entered a 3-month relationship with my now ex-gf - I wouldn't say that it's uncommon. People are going to handle things differently. Maybe he feels the need to try to put himself out there, to try to have the experiences that he couldn't when he was in a relationship. Ultimately (and I was just broken up with a girl 5 years my junior who wanted to be "young and single and free" - ie, she wanted the club life at 23yrs old), I think the club life wears off and becomes a pretty vapid existence. Do you ever hear about people meeting their significant others at clubs? Of course not. In fact people usually lament the fact that there's nothing real in the club scene and usually get past it, but unfortunately that only comes with time and maturity.

 

Your ex is probably hurting right now too and trying to do different in order to get past your relationship and get his mind off you. Too often on this board we focus on how we're feeling and how we're doing, but there are two sides to every break-up... and very often the other side is feeling the pain as well.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. You really will get past this and emerge better. Be strong - we all love you.

[adamt]

Returned after a weekend at my sisters. felt up and down still, with a cry on the long drive back home. i guess it builds up and need to let it out. I talked to my sister about it all and obviously she is on my side and tried to paint a different picture of the ex to help me. I still wake up early but not depressed thinking about her. the afternoons seem to be the worst.

 

My sister gave me a different perspective on it. such as the ex is quite transient and latches onto new circle of friends when circumstances change. she is easy to get on with but doesnt seem to keep intouch with friends for the long term.might stick with them for a couple of years then find new friends when she changes job or moves area. sister says there was probably nothing i could have done to stop her finishing it even if i had improved myself int he relationship. perhaps all the talk of her buying a house was just talk and when it came to the crunch she wouldnt have done it anyway. my sister says she might be one of these people who never really finds long term happiness, she might hit 40 and not settled down and then have a mid life crisis. She probably needs to grow up a little and realise she is 36 not 26. perhaps she gets bored of things and looks for something new every 2-3 years down the line. apart from me she hasnt been out with anyone for more than 2 years. a relationship is a 2 way thing but maybe the ex was wanting more things on her terms. eg going home when she was tired, eating where she wanted,..etc I look back and now see times where she was mardy.

 

the ex has changed a lot in the last 6 months since her mom got ill and passed away. when i met her she was homely and wasnt into going out late and preferred nights in. at the moment she seems to be living her 20s again and going out late. not sleeping with men but wants to be selfish and just go out and only have to look after herself. Maybe her mom's death means she wants to go out and do lots of things.

 

I'm coming to terms that the ex has become a stranger and a different person to the one i knew. Maybe she wasnt really in love with me but just in love with being in the relationship at the time. and the idea of what a perfect life it would lead to. one minute she wants a house and doesnt feel settled where she is living then next minute she is settled and i'm not in the picture.

 

If you are both in love then you sort out the differences in the relationship and want to make it work instead of walking away. A good point my sister made was if someone walks away this easy now what would it have been like if the you had a house,married or kids?

 

Still feels hard that someone you had a great time with for nearly 3 years, can walk away just like that and emotionally detach from you.

 

i am slowly feeling better each day, although i do have my moments.

[pdoog]

Hey guys!! Man this morning was a bit of a bad one, woke up completely wrecked, had a good cry. I miss her but I can honestly say I know what kind of person she is truly. Not a Very nice one at that either. I actually don't miss the relationship as much as I just miss her as a friend. I am slowly becoming better at letting go and accepting that in order to fully heal I must let go. Even though it is hard I find myself each day letting go a bit more.

 

But I know I will have good days and ad days during this healing process. Just wish I could be as heartless as y ex when it comes to getting over her as quickly as she got over me. But my feelings were genuine and that is why it is so hard for me to let go and move on.

[AmandaB]

Sorry to hear that pdoog. I had a bad weekend and a bad morning so far. I got more info than I wanted to hear this weekend and it has dropped me back down a few notches. My post is a few up from this one. Found out that he is out partying every weekend. All he needed to do was get rid of me and now he's free to do whatever he wants and be with whoever he wants. I feel like he has moved on. I wish I could get over him more quickly, he did with me.

[pdoog]

Sorry to hear that Amanda. I guess moving on is a mental obstacle that we can't seem to do as easily as our ex's.

[AmandaB]

I dont know what to do with his stuff. I keep finding more of his stuff and I dont even want to go anywhere near him and Ive been in NC since the dump. I dont want to break NC by sending him his stuff. What should I do? Just put it in a box and store it for a while?

[sunnyv]

Hi guys,

 

hang in there. this is normal for you to have these harder tougher days. i know you probably feel down and just stuck in a deep dark black whole pit. but you will eventually come out of it. it just takes time. when you feel horrible think of how they are not reaching out to you or contacting you. use this as your fuel to not be sad or at least not be sad for that minute and continue to work on yourself, do things for yourself. they are not worth it right now. not at least for the time being. they are not running after us. i totally understand the tears, i have been there for the past 7 months and sometimes i still get sad, however it is not as nearly as bad as it was several months ago.

 

stay strong and keep posting whenever you get sad....and try to go to the gym or get out of bed. it does help.

[pdoog]

Amanda you could just put it in a box and burn it!!! HAHAHHAAHAHA. On a serious note throw it in a box, and put it somewhere. If he really wanted that stuff he will contact you for it.

 

When I moved out of my EX's house and moved back to Florida from Philly I left a lot of little things, shoes,hats,gloves, little trinkets. The day I got to Florida my ex said "what do you want me to do about your shoes and hat and gloves". My response was toss them I don't need them. So she tossed them. Same with my binder of movies and I am sure she threw out every little gft or memento from me as well.

 

So you se if he really wants that stuff he will contact you.

[adamt]

Had my best day today since the break up. No moments of depression or wanting to cry. I think spending the weekend with my sister helped who painted a slightly different picture of the ex. nothing nasty just putting ideas in my mind that the ex might be a bit selfish..etc and do i want to go out with someone who may leave if the going gets tough. and the ex might be a person who likes to change friends and a bit transient.etc

 

went to the gym last night and making an effort to eat super healthy to go with the gym. now concentrate on getting toned and fit. Parents are coming to visit for 4 days later in the week so that will be good.

 

Still cant shake off waking up at 5.30am. although i dont get that hurt feeling anymore when i wake up. cant believe i am getting by on 4-5 hours sleep a night.

 

I feel confident that i can deal with any text or email she may send. although not ready to talk to her in person. Today I seemed to have accepted it is over and nothing i can do. I was willing to work it out and compromise but clearly she isnt as keen as me and so wasnt prepared to try to work it out.

she has changed in the last few months and i will get on with things and move on and leave it upto her to get intouch and prove she wants me. although i am not counting on it. Feels weird but she is starting to feel just a stranger and someone who i went out with a couple of times and not for 3 years. however i am aware that that could all change if i see her in person

[AmandaB]

Thats cool that your feeling better. Keeping busy definenlty helps in that area. Its the down times where it sucks. I wake up every morning early as well. I toss and turn every single morning. Cant tell you when I had a great nights sleep. Oh wait, it was before the breakup, w/ him sleeping next to me, sigh. Just keep busy. Ive got 3 freakin hikes lined up this weekend, 3! It makes me tired. Two of them from 4-6 miles.

Did any of you send a B-Day card when their b-day came along. His is in 2 weeks and I dont know what to do. I just found out a few days ago he is out and partying and not coming home until the next morning which pissed me off so I dont know what to do. Seems like he is over me.

[adamt]

Yeah, i sent a card. Only because her mom had recently passed away. Otherwise i would advise not sending one. only contact has been a text thanking me for a ticket for a gig she went to last week.(i bought it last october as an early birthday present) i just replied glad you had a good time.

 

I wouldnt send a card as you will be hoping for a reply from him.

 

The hard part is finally accepting it is over and/or even if they came back whats stopping them from leaving again? Basically, convince yourself you are a better person without them messing you about. its hard but thats the time when you feel better. My sister helped me to realise that the ex wasnt as perfect as i thought she was. and it takes 2 people to make mistakes in a relationship and want to work it out and probably not all my fault. gone for the idea that she may have left even if i had done things differently in the relationship. be thankful she didnt leave once we had a house or even got married.

 

The gym helps to break up the evening. come home from work for 1 hour, have soemthing to eat then leave the house to go to the gym then back two hours later then cook more food then it is about 9:30pm then watch some tv and read a book. then time for sleep. i think being in the house all evening would make it worse

 

 

Now i am toying with the idea of going on an adventure holiday somewhere in the far east. specialising in people holidaying on their own and lots of walking and seeing things. take 3 weeks vacation and get away from it all. get away from the internet..etc

[pdoog]

Yea I have lost all thought of me and my ex getting back together. Now I must just accept this and heal and move on. Who knows what life may bring , we may end up talking again we may not, but I know that it is highly unlikely that we will ever have any deep conversation or feelings towards each other. Do I still have feelings for her, absolutly, but I have to accept that she does not have those same feelings for me anymore and has moved on and is now with someone else.

[sunnyv]

hi pdoog

 

good thoughts and thanks for the good advice for everybody. glad to hear you are getting stronger. day by day man. so what was the things you found out? anything that can help any of us out on this board?

[sunnyv]

hi adamt

 

good post. yes you are right. working out after work is such a great way to take time out of your day and it keeps your mind busy. here is what i have been doing that has helped me get through the morning hours especially around 5-6 am. i have been working out a second time in the morning, doing cardio and weights. it really helps take away some of that sadness and keeps my mind from thinking about her. just a thought but feel free to try it if you would like.

[Iamstupid]

That's probably the saddest thing I have ever read.

 

I can say that personally I used to be anything but monogamous. I don't mean to sound rude, but it honestly sounds like your girl got bored. Hence "going out to experience life."

 

I have some tough love for you.

 

Man up. Being a ninny is not attractive. The best thing you can do in this situation is enjoy your life. Live for yourself. Do things for yourself. Go to the gym, work out, look like Brad Pitt from fight club. Go study your ass off, kick ass in school. Do things for yourself. Instead of being obsessed with her, be obsessed with yourself.

 

This is a lot harder said than done, I completely understand. But if you want to save your relationship that is what you need to do. You need to make her want you again. Everyone likes stability, I agree, but not everyone wants to feel like they're 80 years old.

 

In short, go out, kick ass, and she will come back to you. I promise you, if you achieve a high enough level of ass-kickery, she will come back to you.

 

I'm going to use the Socratic method.

Are you able to be happy by yourself?

If you are unable to be happy on your own, why is this?

If you are able to be happy in a relationship, why is this?

If you are able to be happy in a relationship, but are unhappy on your own, are you not taking something from the relationship to make yourself happy?

 

If you answered yes to this, just work on being a bad ass. She will come back. I really think so. I'm not giving you false hope, it's contingent on your ability to deliver. Relationships end because of a loss of attractiveness, nothing more, nothing less.

[sunnyv]

i appreciate your honesty but this is a compasionate caring board. people are in pain and we are trying to be there for one another and not tear each other down. please be supportive of that. we all go through this at sometime in our life. how do you know some people don't just want to enjoy life together. not everyone on here is 15 and looking to hook up. a lot of people on here are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and so on looking to enjoy life, truly enjoy life and that my friend is not found in a bar or in a one night stand. you will see this some day.

[pdoog]

Sunny I am not sure what i found out would help anyone but it sure did help me see what kind of women my ex truly truly is.

 

So I happened to look on her FB because she popped up as a friend suggestion. So out of curiosity I clicked it thinking it would be only viewable to friends, but Lo and behold anyone can view her wall posts.

 

So on her wall posts her and her new BF as of may 22nd 2009, are apparently completely and crazy in love with each other from what these walls posts say.

 

Its sick and comical in a way though. It shows me that she cant hold any real emotions and is just looking for that sense of excitement and newness of a relationship. It also shows me how quickly she can just move on and throw out any emotions she had for me. Love to her I think is just a game.

 

A lot of the things she is saying to him on their wall posts are similar to what she told me when we started dating, if not the exact same things.

 

What is funny is how much people share on facebook, her new bf of less then a month is recently divorced so he is looking for someone to also show him love,compassion and friendship, and my ex is showing all that to him so to them they are very compatible and almost very sad and lonely and need each other to fill a void.

 

My prediction for the two is marriage by the end of the year. If she doesn't get bored with him before that. Lets not forget she been divorced 3 times already and had countless relationships. So the marriage will probably fail. I hope I am wrong cause if she is truly happy with him for the long term then I m happy for her. But I just don't see it.

 

 

So this is what I found out. And to be honest finding all that out didn't really upset me all that much because i almost was expecting to see it.

[pdoog]

Hope everyone is doing better today!

[AmandaB]

Doing alright. Still feeling down. Really struggling with the fact that he is out partying every weekend, staying out until dawn. Is this normal for guys or is he really just happy w/out me?

[Puckdog27]

Doing alright. Still feeling down. Really struggling with the fact that he is out partying every weekend, staying out until dawn. Is this normal for guys or is he really just happy w/out me?

 

Its not normal for guys. A lot of us have been hurt and sat around depressed after a break up. I know a lot of women who behave like your ex is behaving too.

 

Maybe you should go out partying every weekend. Might help you to feel better. Its not so bad being single and staying out til dawn sometimes.

 

Beats sitting home wondering why someone else is out having fun.

[sunnyv]

hi amanda

 

i would have to agree with puckdog. i would try and go out and do things. you don't have to hook up with someone especially if you are not ready but just get out, even if it is for a few hours just to get out. when you are ready feel free to give it a try. if you are not ready yet, wait till the time is right. just be yourself. you will be ok

 

women are like this too and they go out to help themselves feel better, its just not your ex. i think its a coping mechanism. they might not even be having fun like puckdog said it beats staying at home sometimes feeling bad for yourself.