i heard from her today

[MrSoAndSo2009]

Exactly. And "things are awesome" doesn't mean anything. Whaddaya think she's gonna do, show you all her cards?

 

The honest answer is actually more like, "Personal freedom [or the new boyfriend or whatever it is] really isn't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be." You know how I know that? Because that "new life" somewhere else or with someone else or doing other things never lives up to the dream. It just doesn't.

 

Agreed. Don't pay much attention to what the ex says, pay attention to the actions. If you ignore the words, then you see what the action communicated -- she wanted to "check in" to see if sunnyv was still waiting around.

 

sunnyv, it's ok what you did in the sense that we've all done it -- it's perfectly normal and don't be hard on yourself. This process is painful, but each step you take towards working through your own empty feelings will make you stronger. Working through those empty feelings takes time and a lot of strength. But, I assure you, if you think you feel bad now, you will feel much, much worse if you get caught up in your ex's vortex by giving in. You need to respond to your ex with the mindset conveyed in the response I gave above. That will give your ex a chance to experience emptiness because you won't be giving in.

 

When you step back from an ex -- way, way back -- that is when the emptiness, at first, hits you hardest. In fact, if you don't feel this emptiness, then you're not stepping back far enough!

 

The temptation is to go back to the "crime scene" (your ex) to try to cover up your emptiness, but then you face the same rejection over and over again and end up feeling worse.

 

I write this not only for you, but for anybody else out there going through the same experience. Let the ex go with love, but don't say you'll always be there for them. Don't worry, it's not the end of the world that you said that -- in the end, it's just words, and what is going to matter most are the actions that you take that prove that you are going to move on without this person, and that you will let this person go with love and without hard feelings. This gives the other person a chance to assess the relationship.

 

Here's what happens when you give in. Supposing your ex blames you almost 100% for the separation, by giving in and being "friends," your ex will never take the time to really evaluate the relationship for what it was. Instead, your ex will associate you with all those problems, and try to cover up the emptiness by keeping you around whenever the ex feels lonely and misses you. Let them miss you and let them feel lonely. Take care of YOU first and foremost -- don't sacrifice yourself for somebody who clearly, right now, does not want to be with you.

[sunnyv]

lauren-awesome awesome advice. thank you for lifting my spirits even further. i was just afraid that if i don't tell her i am here for her that she will think i moved on with someone else. but from what you are telling me is that if she thinks i am busy this is actaully good. Do you think this really works? I am not a game player at all and i always wonder if playing games will backfire on you. Whats your opinion?

[sunnyv]

mr so and so-that is great advice my friend. she definilty needs to reasses the relationship. by me always being there for her she can't miss me you are right or can't wonder what it will be like without me. right now she is in the honeymoon stage, whether it is being by herself or dating or whatever she is doing, its fun at first because she it is new like brownstone said. after awhile she is going to get bored with it

 

brownstone-thanks for the advice your words are correct my man. the new things are always exciting at first and then they die off and not exciting at all.

 

i really feel in my heart she will miss me one day even if she does not say it ever. but i think one day she will say it. it may just take years.

[Lauren.xo]

If you know in your heart she will, let it happen! Let her see what its like to loose you. Let her feel how It feels when she tries to get in contact, and wow, your not there! Right now she is extremely comfortable. If she has a new guy she thinks, I can always go back when I'm ready and he will be there. My ex thinks the same way too. I tell me though, you will not get me back, you make your decision and you suffer the consequences. You know what to do, you can do it I believe my ex will miss me too, but ill never let him no that I'm sad, or ever let him hear ill always be there. Sometimes we have to do the opposite of what feels right and good.

[Lauren.xo]

I'm telling you from experience. I begged, I cried.. I told him I would wait for him and be his friend. Did he come back? NOPE. He came back when he realized I was gone, and no longer willing to put up with his bs. My problem was that I let him come back to easy. I should have made him really feel a loss. Why be friends with someone who threw away everything you had together? You should be confident that you do not deserve this treatment. Of course she is happy! She gets her cake and the golden fork. Take one away from her.

[sunnyv]

lauren

 

you are so smart. i really thank you for your advice. wow i wish i had someone like you in my ear every day, you give me strength and i greatly appreciate that.

 

you are right. she needs to feel a loss, she needs to feel what it is like to miss me.

 

i just have to be tougher when she texts me. the thing is that she doesn't text me too often. it always catches me off guard when she does.

 

i am thinking about taking transfer with my company out of town. i know this could severly limit my chances of getting back togehter with her but if i move and she realizes in the end that she loved me you think she will follow me? or ask me to move back?

[pdoog]

Sunny you have to do what's right for you. Don't move out of town because you think she may or may not ask you back. It hurts I know but you have to do everything for yourself. You seem like a very nice person and I believe there is another great person that will come around and show you equal respect and love. Regardless of if your ex asks for you back or not, months or years down the road you may not want her back. tomorrow is day 60 for me being NC from my ex and I have not heard a single peep from her. This tells me that she is busy moving on and might have already forgotten about me. That doesn't hurt me because she is the person that lost a great thing. She wont ever admit that or acknowledge that but she did lose a great guy.

 

So what you feel will help you move on and help you let go (letting go is the hard part)

[sunnyv]

thanks pdoog

 

day 60 wow. thats amazing. great job on everything. moving to the south has always been my dream, however i am scared that once i leave, i leave anything that could have possibly been with crushed. thats why i am hesistant to leave.

 

you are right your ex lost the best person she ever had.

[Lauren.xo]

If it has been a dream, go for it! That could be just what you need! A new scenery, kind of like a new start. You need to think about *you*. If she loved you, she will come back.. Ask you back, do long distance, or move to where you are. Don't count on it though! Start putting you first. Stop being her back up guy, your better then that

[pdoog]

Sunny I wouldn't let a EX gf stop you from living your dream. Yes right now you are still feeling very attached to her. And if you truly believe that you and her are meant to be together then it doesn't matter how far you move you will be together. And if you two don't get back together you will find happiness elsewhere. I live in Florida and there are plenty of nice people here. Make the most of your life. I am trying to learn this very lesson, It has been 60 days and I still have a huge urge to contact my ex, I am still having trouble letting go. That is just me as a person I cannot just ignore these feelings, love to me isn't a joke and shouldn't be treated like one. My ex sure does treat love like it is some form of game.

[gee]

Only because she said, "things are awesome" doesn't mean they really are. WHo knows how she is doing. I wouldn't tell me ex I'm doing cr@ppy! Would you? So, keep your head up man. Continue NC now. Live your life.

 

Stay strong.

 

gee

[sunnyv]

hi gee,

 

thanks man. i appreciate it.

[AmandaB]

Im going through the same thing. Great posts.

[Lauren.xo]

We just have to reset our thinking when we get down and keep motivated. I just had a bad moment a second ago, where I thought about my ex dating someone else... I just shook it off and said who cares!

[AmandaB]

I just want to know. Who here thinks that the nights and the mornings are the worst?! I have also had dreams about my ex every night. Do any of you experience that as well?

[pdoog]

Yes the mornings waking up alone and nights are the worst for me. I have had dreams on and off about her.

[sunnyv]

nights and mornings are the worst so are weekends. i usually climb into bed at night and try to fall asleep as fast as possible or i watch tv till i almost fall asleep then i crawl into bed real fast and throw the covers over my head. its hard, when i can't fall aslpee i toss and turn and think that i am misssing a text on my cell phone from her. its totally the worst. i hate it.

 

lauren-thanks for the encouragement. how did you get through the moment of weakness. you sound really strong. that is really good to hear.

[Lauren.xo]

Sunnyv, I have them all the time. I'm not made of steal either, I just don't let them get the best of me. I just remind myself, I'm wasting my time thinking about possible outcomes. What is going to happen will happen. Why should I sit sad while he is happy (don't talk to him so I don't know). I just refocus my attitude. If I think about good times, or miss him.. I just make myself think about how he left me and I treated him amazing. I think about all the * * * * he has done to me. It really helps. I have dreams sometimes that he has a new gf, I wake up miserable... But you have to force yourself to stop feeling down and sad. Am I sitting here wanting him to text or call? Yeah for sure, but you can't hold your life for it. At night I usually just turn my phone off, it helps me sleep better. Just work on controling the lovely nice thoughts of her. Think about everything she did to you and be mad. The person I'm going to spend my life with isn't going to walk out on me and treat me like I don't matter.

[sunnyv]

very well said lauren-the person you want to spend your life will not walk out on you no matter how tough things get and treat you like you don't matter. very good. i like that. i definilty want someone who is going to be there for me. i do think about her and it helps when i get mad thinking about all the crap she put me through or how mean she was or just how she doesn't care about me. she didn't even ask me how i was doing in the text yesterday. it was all about her. i deserve better.

 

thank you. how do you keep busy? i find myself watching a lot of tv or working out a lot, a lot. i find myself on here on ena but i'm just not ready to meet somebody new yet at all

[Lauren.xo]

I'm not ready to meet anyone either. Even if he met someone, I won't rush my process. Try to be with friends as much as possible, meet new people but go for friendships (they may or may not evolve). I found that making a new friendship with someone really helped. Someone to text and chat with.. That is how I was moving on and that was when he came back. Try your best to not shut the doors on the outside world.

[jarias2311]

How are you doing tonight sunny?

[AmandaB]

I am happy to know that I am not alone. That other people are going through the same cycle I am. Nights and mornings are horrible, afternoons are ok, and later that afternooon im usually angry about all the crap he did. It is a constant rollercoaster every day. I agree with the whole friend thing. That is how I met my ex fiance, we were friends for 2 years before. I am just trying to make new friends where ever I can. Im not looking for that romance and I am not in a hurry to start dating. Im just looking for cool people to meet and maybe one day one of them can be my future partner, you never know. I like the friendship route first because there isnt so much pressure. Its night time and the weekend is tomorrow, oh joy. I am going hiking with a hiking group I am involved with so I hope i meet some cool people there. I just dont want any dreams tonight. They are so vivid, like he is really there. Here is a great webpage for people living in the US. I dont know if its worldwide. Its link removed. There you can look for free groups in your erea. Im involved in a few hiking groups and hiking has really helped. Its free to join. Some groups might charge a small fee but the ones I belong to dont. Its a great way to meet new people. link removed

[pdoog]

I agree with thae above statement , Nights and weekends. I again had dreams about her and this time they were very vivid and real. link removed is a good site to meet people with the same interests as you.

[brokenheart311]

This past evening I came to how horrible sleep is. All night I had dreams about her, 3 I think. In one dream we were both at a friends party and at one point she was leaving and invited me over to see her new place, when I got there she and some guy were doing renovations. Turns out that this guy was a new boyfriend, in the dream she told me that she no longer believed in soulmates, I woke up.

 

In the next dream we were both in a class at my school and my teacher kept talking about tough times and was using us as a example and her leaving me as not what to do in times of adversity. My ex was ignoring me and kept talking loudly enough to make sure i heard how happy she was with her decision to leave. After class my teacher was going to take me to see a counselor would be able to give me a plan to understand my ex's motivations and help me either establish a plan to re-win her heart to to get to a point over moving on, i woke up before i got any sage advice.

 

In the last dream we were at church. As it is in real life we sat apart, but her son came and sat next to me. During the service she was sitting next to a good friend of ours and they kept whispering back and forth and looking back at me and smiling. Halfway through the service she got up and took the empty seat next to me, grabbed my hand and leaned her head on my shoulder. After everyone left we continued to sit together in silence. After a few minutes she stood in front of me, leaned over and started kissing me, softly at first and then more passionately. I recoiled and asked "what does this mean, what to do you want?" She said "I'm sorry, I never should have left, I got scared and ran when I should have stayed". Even though this sounds like a good dream this was the worst one because I again awoke, but she wasn't there, wasn't really saying these things to me. It felt so vivid and real, more real than all of the moments combined in the 6 weeks since she left.

 

So yes, nights and mornings are extremely hard, after that last dream I didn't want to get up, I just wanted to go back to sleep, re-enter that dream and have it take over as my reality.

 

I'm trying so hard to fill my life up with other things to push my past out, but daily, ell it seems like hourly right now, I end up thinking of her/her son and feeling the pain as if it was brand new again.

 

Time and the decay of memories and feelings does not seem to move fast enough for those of us who are in pain. I pray that God shines his healing light upon us all.

[AmandaB]

I am right there with you. I woke up to my usual misery this morning realizing that it has been 3 weeks since we broke up and we have not spoken since then. I have made no contact and neither has he. Remind you that he is the one who dumped me, no longer had the feelings for me after 6 years together. I just got back from a 5-6 hour hike and I feel like * * * * . Doing things is supposed to take your mind off of them but it doesnt work. Now I am home and crying as I type this. Do you guys believe that everything happens for a reason? Does absence make the heart grow fonder? If it was meant to be it will be? These are all things that run through my head but I am questioning everything right now. I would like to think that he will come back but that probably isnt reality. So far reality is that he left because he doesnt love me anymore and that I have not spoken to him in 3 weeks. Hope diminishes as the weeks roll by. I am just stuck more with the reality of what has happened. That i probably wont see him again and if I do he will be w/ someone else. Sorry to be such a downer but I am having rough day today. I need those stories of hope but they are hard to find. Thanks.