i heard from her today

[sunnyv]

thanks lauren. i agree. how could her life be so "awesome". she lost her job last month. how is that "awesome". and the fact that she is just being lazy and waiting to see if they rehire her back, that makes me disgusted with her. i think you are right. she does want me to overanalyse it and feel bad about it. like you said i have to look at her actions not her words. thanks for the encouragement. i really needed it.

[MrSoAndSo2009]

It is true that there is often a relief period where they are convinced they made the greatest decision of their life, but if you let them go in the right way then they eventually get in touch with their empty feelings, and all that "life is awesome" stuff is often just a cover, while also being very manipulative of the other person.

[Puckdog27]

It is true that there is often a relief period where they are convinced they made the greatest decision of their life, but if you let them go in the right way then they eventually get in touch with their empty feelings, and all that "life is awesome" stuff is often just a cover, while also being very manipulative of the other person.

 

Well, Im kinda going through this now. I initated the split, dont know if I can say dumper, but I moved out when she didnt want me to leave. A few months have gone by and she has been very strict NC. I have got in touch with some issues of my own, and I would really like to give it another shot.

[sunnyv]

puckdog,

 

thanks for the honesty and story. thats encouraging thoughts. good points on nc, and the point of strict nc. well if you want this girl you should go after her. when we go into strict nc we want you to fight for us and really show it.

 

mr so and so-thanks for the good words. you are right, the "life is awesome" stuff has got to be just a cover for what is really going on in her life or it will eventuallly fade away and reality will hit in

[Puckdog27]

puckdog,

 

thanks for the honesty and story. thats encouraging thoughts. good points on nc, and the point of strict nc. well if you want this girl you should go after her. when we go into strict nc we want you to fight for us and really show it.

 

mr so and so-thanks for the good words. you are right, the "life is awesome" stuff has got to be just a cover for what is really going on in her life or it will eventuallly fade away and reality will hit in

 

Well I dont know if fighting is the word, but tomorrow is her Bday. I sent roses, and I also mailed a card with a short letter summing up a lot of apologies I felt she deserved, and alot of my realization of the issues that I need to fix for myself. Dont really know if thats fighting for her, or if its even enough to break her NC. I do have the slight advantage of having been on this forum for 2 years and knowing both sides of NC, and knowing to that as the dumpee who is in NC, she may have some reaction from the gesture. I left the note with "I know you have wanted no contact, so this is the last I will contact you. But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, you know where I am."

 

Note" there is nothing in what I wrote saying "Im sorry, I want you back now!!!" THIS DOES NOT WORK

 

Anyway, not trying to high jack your thread. Just wanted to point out that just because the dumper left, it doesnt mean they put you away for good and never cared. I think that all comes down to the details of the break up, how ugly things were, how bad things became etc etc.

 

THE ONE THING I WILL SAY. Being on the "dumper" side of the fence. NC is effective as hell, and frustrating as hell too.

[becca0194]

[quote name=Anyway, not trying to high jack your thread. Just wanted to point out that just because the dumper left, it doesnt mean they put you away for good and never cared. I think that all comes down to the details of the break up, how ugly things were, how bad things became etc etc.

 

THE ONE THING I WILL SAY. Being on the "dumper" side of the fence. NC is effective as hell, and frustrating as hell too.[/quote]

 

Puckdog,

 

Thanks for that insight. Interesting !! Did your ex go into NC as soon as you left? Are the roses the first contact you are making with her?

 

Thanks.

[Puckdog27]

Puckdog,

 

Thanks for that insight. Interesting !! Did your ex go into NC as soon as you left? Are the roses the first contact you are making with her?

 

Thanks.

 

More or less right after I left. We kept together for a few weeks, but I think she sensed I wasnt interested in working it out and she shut it down.

 

There was some emails I sent trying to make peace for an event that was going on where mutual friend were involved. Which was met with her only request for NC.

 

I sent a text a two weeks ago, just the "I miss you". And one last week asking for the opportunity to apologize for somethings. No responses. But nothing saying "Hey I f'd up, I love you, I need you to know I made a mistake. Whether or not I deserve another chance is up to you, but I accept that it was me that made the mistake"

 

I spoke to our mutual friend last night to ask her opinion on how the flowers would be received. She mentioned that V has really said nothing about me, other than a concern that I may be at parties hosted by our friends. Im not sure how to take that. Whether its pain or hatred. She has had very bad relationship experiences in the past, and I guess this is the defense system that has built up. I know she has seen someone else (as have I), but I cant imagine that anything is there, if she is reacting this way with me. Plus I dont concern myself with that.

 

becca and sunnyv - I know you dont know what shes feeling but any thoughts on the reaction I may expect tomorrow?

 

I may start a new thread tomorrow based on what occurs. From this side of the fence as the dumper having remorse.

[AmandaB]

Thanks for the insight Puckdog. I think that most of us are dumpees on here. I dont think you would finder the dumper on this site unless they are having second thoughts. It was their decision afterall the end the relationship. I have been in NC since my fiance broke it off with me alittle over 3 weeks ago. The worst thing that a dumpee can think is that the person that they still love is no longer thinking about them or caring about them. He has made no contact w/ me since he broke up with me saying that he doesnt have "those" feelings for me anymore. The whole, I love you but not IN love w/ you thing. We were friends for 8 years and 6 of those we were together. He just got back from spending the last 3years in law school 2,000 miles away. I dont know if I will ever see him again and that scares me. I miss him so much.

 

And the whole thing about being "awsome," dont pay any attention to that. She wants you to think that things are ok with her. She's not going to tell you that things suck right now. Its almost like admitting defeat to some people.

[pdoog]

it is hard to gauge how the dumper really feels about you. Unless they actually tell you "Hey I hate you and never want to see you again" and even then that can be just out of anger and backlash. Me and the ex had a very good breakup in itself, it was just the weeks after the break up got a little ugly and nothing to outrageous, few nasty texts back and forth and a few emails. Yes she blocked my number and emails. I took that as a way for her to move on without any interruptions from me. How she really feels about me now almost 4 months later I do not know. Maybe she does hold anger and hatred towards me for whatever reasons. I don't hold any towards her just some anger at times and sadness but nothing that would hinder my ability to try and reconcile down the road.

 

All i know is that she is in a new relationship right now, and she is telling people how happy she is. But i remember her telling people that right when we started dating. to sum up my ex she just likes that honeymoon period of the relationship when everythig is new and exciting.

[sunnyv]

hi pdoog,

 

i think your plan is pretty good. i would definilty leave it open to her and let her know that she can contact you. all you can do is put yourself out there and see what happens. keep in mind it might take some time, she may not react at first but in a few days, weeks, etc she probably will contact you. these things take time especially for her to trust you again and see that you are sincere and truthful. thats the best advice i can give you-be sincere-be yourself-the person she fell in love with in the beginning. show her you care and want to work things out.

 

if she doesn't react at all, thats ok, like i said, it may take sometime, just make a plan where you have plans tomorrow after you send the stuff, drop it off, etc. go to the gym, stay busy, try not to look at your phone. this will help offset anything in case she doesn't call. remember if she does not contact you right away, its ok, you have no regrets you put all your cards on the table. i believe she will contact you eventually if she does not contact you right away. especially if you are sincere. best of luck. i hope it really works out for you. you deserve it.

 

keep posting on here if you want, its ok, i don't mind everyone on here is real nice and its great to hear tons of differnet stories. i like hearing all the different opinions and ideas that come with all our different exes. i think it helps everyone to heal.

 

amanda-thanks. i will try not to take that "life is awesome" stuff too much to heart. i do think exes have a mission to try to make us think their life is awesome when its not. if life was so truly awesome she wouldn't have time to text me, correct? lol. oh well....

[Puckdog27]

Hi Sunnyv - thanks for the response. I assume it was for me and not pdoog.

 

Anyway, yeah Im ready for what ever happens. I have accepted the fact of what I did, and that I may have hurt her. I spelled out alot of things in the letter, and my cards are definitly on the table. Hopefully she will see I take full responsibility for my actions and blame her for nothing. Yes she did contribute in some way, by what got us to this point was all because of me. I will keep everyone posted, I know people around here want to hear the story of a dumper going back hat in hand for a second chance. Hopefully it will end they way everyone hopes.......reconciliation.

[sunnyv]

hi puckdog,

 

yes yes i meant that for you. sorry man mean that for you. i think you are doing a great job and i think eventually one day you will get a happy answer. yes we do down here want to hear a happy story of a dumper going back in there after that dumpee to ask for a second chance. please let us know how it goes and feel free to keep asking for advice we all have it and we can let you know how the dumpee feels.

 

i see by your name it says you live in west palm beach. how do you like it down there? i am thinking of maybe moving to florida.

[pdoog]

Yea I was going to say hmmm me and my ex haven't talked in a long time and I have no stuff to give back to her lol. But yes time is all we have really. Maybe they will contact us down the road maybe not, but we can't dwell on that. We have to just go back to living how we did before we met them.

[sunnyv]

sorry pdoog- got the p's mixed up.

[becca0194]

puckdog,

 

If I received roses from my ex, I honestly don't know how I would react. I have a few questions for you and then I will tell you how I would guess she would react. I want to make sure I have things correctly. You broke up with her. She wanted it to continue and you didn't. She went NC and you have had a change of heart. Assuming that is correct, have you told her you had a chnage of heart?

 

p.s. are you from WPB? I am oringinally from down there and now in MI.

[Puckdog27]

I guess I am responsible for the break up. We moved in together quick, and I felt we needed to step back and readjust. She wanted me to stay, she felt leaving meant we failed. I moved to a building 2 blocks away. We were spending time for the first together for the first 3 weeks and I always intended to try to make it work. But 1 day I told her we were spending a little too much time together, and thats when she dropped off. She dumped the remainder of my stuff in the lobby of her building and that was it. I tried reaching out to her on occasions to tell her "Lets be friends, lets not have to make our friends decide, etc etc" because we have the same friends since we moved here. Never have I said "I love you, I miss you, Im wrong...etc etc" I mailed a bday card with an apology letter. It explains alot of things I never realized about myself that need to be fixed. Things that caused issues, like me saying mean things, even when I didnt mean them. Im seeking some counseling to deal with these issues.

 

So no, she hasnt been told I have had a change of heart. I havent been given the opportunity to do so. The letter tells her I have realized the issues I brought to the relationship and how I am sorry for not recognizing them, but only lets her know I miss her and leaves the door open for her to contact me. It does not say, take me back. But the innuendo is there. Like I said, she has been strict NC, and its over the past 2 weeks or so I have come to realize my mistakes. So this is the first sign of that she will get.

 

No, Im only in WPB a little over 16 mos. Her and I moved here together.

[pdoog]

No problem Sunny. Your advice pertains to a lot of situations and is helpful no matter who it is directed towards.

 

 

And I cannot send my ex flowers since she is allergic to them.

[becca0194]

I open for her to contact me. It does not say, take me back. But the innuendo is there. Like I said, she has been strict NC, and its over the past 2 weeks or so I have come to realize my mistakes. So this is the first sign of that she will get.

 

No, Im only in WPB a little over 16 mos. Her and I moved here together.

 

 

Ok, here is what I think. This is based on how "I" would react if I were in her shoes. I think that the fact that the two of you moved from another place to FL was a commitment to her. When you left, she probably felt abandoned and felt your feelings had changed. Even if you told her they had not changed, she would be going on your actions and not your words. I believe she is reacting as though you out and out dumped her because and her NC is most likely her way of protecting herself from the hurt she has felt. So, I think your apology letter and your "I miss you" and the roses could all go ignored. Perhaps she is reading a forum such as this one. The advice would be to stay NC until you said you were ready to work on the relationship. She is probably taking everything as either your guilt or that you are looking for a safety net. Maybe she thinks it is both. So, if you love her and you are sure you want to be with her, I would ask her to work on the relationship. Then you would need to respect her answer.

 

So, if I got roses from my ex, I would ignore them. Simply because the only thing I want from him is to know that he still loves me and that he wants to work on the relationship with the ultimate goal of getting back together.

 

I hope this helps and doesn't sound like I am picking on you at all !!!!!

[brokenheart311]

Just my 2 cents as a dumpee whose SO left 7 weeks ago and is just now getting around to actually packing up her stuff to leave.

 

The first comment i bolded of your: If my ex sent me this note I would only feel as if she was trying to ease her own guilt about leaving me and hurting "the best, most caring, perfect man that I have ever met". I would not think that she wanted me back as a romantic interest. i would think that, AT MOST, she wanted to just be friends. This would not lead me to break NC except a text or email that said " thanks, I hope everything is working out well for you," and then I'd resume NC. If she then replied, going more into detail about feeling like she wants to try again then I would break NC.

 

As for the second part i bolded: I would probably let it simmer for a few days, think about what I want (and if I decided I wanted another go at it, right now i do) at that time and call her or set up a time to meet somewhere. If we met or talked on the phone I would just ask her how she was doing and wait for her to bring up her feelings, if she didn't bring it up I'd assume it was a momentary lapse of strength and i would resume NC again.

 

Just saying that is how my thought processes work fro this end, maybe it's me being a prideful man and it may be different for the ladies.

 

SunnyV, I hope everything is going well for you. I think you and I are a lot alike in our situations and how we express ourselves and come deeply committed to the one we are with. Keep it your strength! i commend you for it.

[Puckdog27]

So, if I got roses from my ex, I would ignore them. Simply because the only thing I want from him is to know that he still loves me and that he wants to work on the relationship with the ultimate goal of getting back together.

 

I hope this helps and doesn't sound like I am picking on you at all !!!!!

 

 

It does help, and I guess I missed the prime opportunity to tell her that in fact what I do want is to work at the relationship and put us back together. I think the innuendo may be in the letter enough for her to at least call and express some type of feeling. That being the case, if she does, then I will use that opportunity to tell her that is my intention

 

I have been around here long enough to see people stand strong until a gesture like that occurs, then even though they say its not enough, the jump to see if it was the dumpers intention to want her back. Like I told you in the second PM, this is the first sign of any of this she has got from me. And I did tell her how I miss my best friend and partner. I think that kinda leads it out there.

 

Thanks so much. Like I said, I will start a thread tomorrow if anything occurs. I really dont think she is in this type of forum, but who knows.

[sunnyv]

good thoughts becca. its

 

amanda how are you hanging in there?

 

brokenheart-thanks for the encouragement, its hard to stay strong but everytime i read comments on here from other people like yourself it helps me to stay strong or get stronger especially when i have a weak moment, day, etc. how are you doing?

[pdoog]

Hey sunny how ya doing today? I myself had a weak moment this afternoon, where I had a grand realization of things.

[sunnyv]

hi pdoog,

 

i am doing better today. thanks for asking. what happened this afternoon. what did you think about? as you can tell from my thread i have moments like that all the time but is you guys who pick me up and get my head recentered and back on track to realize ulimtately it is out of our hands.

[pdoog]

well my post is in Healing after a break up, titled hit me like a ton of bricks. But really I just came to the acceptance that I possibly will never hear from my ex again and that is a tough pill to swallow right now.

[sunnyv]

hi pdoog-

 

i came to that realization too. its been over 7 months. i have good days and bad days. its tough but you can make it through it. its ok, i believe if you play your cards right with the nc maybe one day she will contact you. you have to give her time to miss you, a lot of time. and if you don't hear from her, its ok, it really is. another girl will appreciate you very much.