How do you handle a narcissistic partner (long)?

[takingabuse]

First, I'm not trained in psychology so I can't actually diagnose someone. Maybe someone can recognize these traits and tell me I'm not too far off base.

 

She talks about herself excessively.

 

She tells me she's a better person than I am.

 

She claims all our marital problems are my fault (for real).

 

She's a freelance writer, and when she has a success, she goes on and on and calls everybody to tell them. She even insists that I go to work to tell everyone there. She has broken off relationships with her brother and one sister because they wouldn't praise her enough, which she categorizes as "treating me like sh**".

 

She brags like nobody I've ever met.

 

If she doesn't get what she wants, she goes ballistic. Example: Yesterday I went to pick up a prescription for her. The pharmacist didn't want to fill it because of possible interactions with her other meds, and wanted to talk to the doctor first. When I called my wife to tell her, she got upset and wanted to talk to the pharmacist. She ended up yelling at the woman even after she agreed to fill the scrip because the lady wouldn't tell her exactly how long it would take to fill it. When I got the phone, she insisted I get the manager so she could complain. When I didn't want to do that she started yelling and told me F*** You! and hung up. I have many stories like this.

 

She told me to stop trying to initiate sex, because it was my fault that her friendship with a guy broke up (she had fallen for this guy, and when she suggested they be 'friends with benefits' he turned her down and stopped answering her calls and e-mails...he told me this). She also told me that she didn't want me to be "huggy-kissy" with her because she "didn't need that".

 

Sorry this is so long, and I can give more info if anyone wants to hear other reasons why I think she is a narcissist.

 

If anyone can give me advice, I'd love to hear it. I've been married to her for 16 years.

[dreamwarrior]

Yikes !...so sorry...sounds more insecure and needs constant reassurance by people to feed her ego...!

[vertigoxo]

Yes she is a narcisstic and needs serious help.

 

Are you sure you want to stay with her?

[COtuner]

Do you know anything about her childhood or her past before being with you? I ask because some people who have spent a lot of time in life being ignored or unwanted can need external validation very badly as adults.

 

Not sure it's narcissism in the clinical sense, just sounds like a combination of self-centeredness, a lack of social control, and major denial (with the marital problems). And maybe just a bit nuts

 

I'm guessing counseling is not an option here.... even if you tried to fake it and say you were getting it and needed her to be there?

[loulee]

narcisstic people are the horrors of the earth!!!

They have excessive self love, they are truly in love with themselves and have a self perception of grandiose.. they are attracted to people who will be what is termed the narcisstic supply person or the co dependant narcissist.

They do NOT have the ability to empathise with anyone, and rarely do...

They feel that they are far superior to other people and will lie ruthlessly about their own personal achievements and exxagerate excessively

They demand special treatment. they truly think they are so unique and will often surround themselves with others whom they also consider unique. They are very envious of other people and at the same time they think others are envious of them. they are prone to bouts of rage in an instant or extreme anger if they are not getting their narcisstic supply from others around them ..by this usually a partner or work associates, family are often the suppliers ,.They like to be feared by the people close to them. they enjoy this as they are very haughty and superior in their perception of themselves. they do not like to be confronted this will always trigger rage. They are the most despicable form of dysfunctional personality trait human beings that you could ever have the misfortune to be controlled by, or involved with...They have NO positive traits..none..they get extreme pleasure from people finding them fearful or beyond reproach..it feeds them...best defense laugh at them!!! a real belly laugh at that... then get your darn joggers on and run rabbit run.. NO cure on this one sorry..none....it gets worse not better...

[Circe]

So.. I normally see no point to this question but I just have to ask, was she like this before you married her?

 

What steps have you taken to address this (whether they be counselling or just sitting her down and talking to her about how unhappy you are) over the last 16 years?

 

It sounds like an extremely difficult situation and I can't imagine how or why you've put up with it for so long?

[shikashika]

Was she like this 16 years ago??

[takingabuse]

Let me answer some questions, and I'll try not to be too long.

 

1. 16 years ago I was too smitten to see clearly. My wife of 12 years had just left me while I was on a remote tour (I was in the Air Force), and this woman came along that made me feel like superman.

 

2. Yes, I've brought it up, but she gets very defensive and angry and it just turns into a lecture on how badly I treat her.

 

3. Her childhood involved first, being a mistake. Second, being the last of 5 kids. Third, abusive parents. She became very attractive to men about the time she was 15, and was dating grown men when she was 16 or 17. She got married at 18, got pregnant due to an affair shortly thereafter, had a couple more affairs, then left her husband. She has told me she's not sure how many men she's been with, but said it had to be at least 50 (she was 27 when she told me this).

 

4. We've been to counseling 3 times. Time 1, the guy got transferred and she liked him so we didn't immediately go to someone else. Time 2, she accused the female therapist of sleeping with me and brought formal charges. Time 3, in the very beginning she told the guy that she respected my intellect but nothing else about me; he said we should probably get a divorce, which just sent her through the roof.

 

That's the very short story on all that.

[loulee]

QUOTE FROM NUMBER 3 she respected my intellect but nothing else about me; he said we should probably get a divorce, which just sent her through the roof.

perhaps you are better to go online and discover why you are an "enabler" in other words a narcisstic supply partner..of course the thought of you divorcing her would send a patholigical narcissist throught the roof!!! That is like telling a heroin addict that you will not supply his drugs anymore!!! She would of been filled with FEAR AND RAGE..this would be my first post on here that I would have to say with clarity you are wasting your time. Everytime you "try" to understand your wife with your logical and rational thought process you will empathis WITH her, make excuses..She on the other hand does NOT empathise, as she cannot and will not.. No amount of cajouling her or thinking she didnt mean to be horrible or"Ill wait till the morning see if she is over her tantrum" case scenarios will ever work.. She sees you like an object more than a person. her back ground..her upbringing...all of it points to extreme narcissm not just naracisstic traits here, as many of us have some of these.. And be warned the next time she is supersweet to you is a huge red flag...this means she is setting you up for another cruel blow to punish you even more!! Never forget they enjoy it!!! You cannot help your wife and have tried to...however you can help yourself stop being a victim of extreme emotional abuse and leave!!!(oh by the way they will often stalk and try and contact you endlessly if you leave them , this is not love, this is withdrawals and fear as her supplier is gone)..Start digging in to the real reasons why you stay get therapy just for you!!! We all deserve a good and happy life and you will never have one with your wife Never..but you can have one without her..think about it.. start drawing on your inner strength...good luck

[takingabuse]

...I have actually left her twice. I went back because she was telling our son "Daddy doesn't love us". It broke my heart to think he was being taught that and that he would believe it...he was only like 3 years old. She also harassed my whole family including my elderly parents and was constantly harassing people in my chain of command. I wasn't strong enough to let everyone suffer on my account.

 

That being said, I am aware that I have issues since I'm obviously enabling her. I have more issues than that, that's just the topic of the moment Sometimes I think I have Stockholm Syndrome

[Circe]

Am I reading it right when I imagine that you married her, even though you could see these issues, because she was physically gorgeous?

[Circe]

But if you are asking for advice on how to "handle" a partner such as yours, you would be the expert on that. You've done it for 16 years. We haven't..

 

I think we would all imagine this relationship is screwed and you should work out how to leave, get some legal access to your son and explain and show him that you do love him.

 

Otherwise you just have to keep going, don't you? I honestly don't think we can help improve things where three counsellors have failed and you are the only one asking for help.

[loulee]

You are not likely to have Stockholm Syndrome and of course I took this with humour..You are just unable to find the strength to cease being an enabler.This is natural > WHY because you have been the victim for in excess of 16years!! Its a long time to be a victim for isnt it.?? And its likely that you spent MANY of these years taking blame and responsibility for HER problem in other words OWNERSHIP of the problem which is also a very common path that victims often take..You are now aware that this personality type (your wife) is very narcisstic and many psychologists find treating one almost impossible and completely futile.....You see a true narcissists will often turn their nastiness on to the psychologist they truly do not see their own behavour as anything short of perfect or completely normal. Your wife is likely to think she is by far more intelligent and capable than a mere psychologist and worse is that SHE TRULY BELIEVES THIS!!!! having changed therapist 3 times is nothing short of madness and where DID YOU STEP UP AND CHALLENGE HER??? When she brought formal charges against the psychologist??? DID you bring charges against your own wife for lieing as you should of or did you let her continue her barrage of brutality against this therapist..You have no excuses left to stay except that you wish to remain a victim.. And if you want your sons best interests at heart you would leave her and have shared custody otherwise he is highly likely (particularly first born) to also become a narcissists or co dependant narcissist supplier and he too later in life WILL pick someone as a partner just like her...make a stand NOT excuses...what joy does this bring to your life and to the life of your family....take some positive action for yourself and child or children if more than one..WHAT does it take for you to see that NO ONE can do this but you?? Your answers are staring you in the face..are you going to let a narcissist control your thoughts feelings, sense of self worth, value, your esteem, and that of your families for the rest of your lives...surely there is more to a good life than this..go seek it...its there IF YOU want it...if not stay put and be a victim...YOU DECIDE........

[takingabuse]

Am I reading it right when I imagine that you married her, even though you could see these issues, because she was physically gorgeous?

 

It wasn't just the physical attraction. I had literally just been dumped by a wife who didn't pay me much attention anyway. The fact that this intelligent, sexy woman wanted ME was just enough to blind me. Besides, like in all new relationships, she did a good job of making a good impression in the beginning.

[takingabuse]

loulee,

 

She really does think she is more capable than the psychiatrists, therapists, and psychologists. You hit that nail right on the head.

 

When questioned by the Inspector General, I told the truth and exposed the lies she was telling. I told everyone involved the truth. This resulted in a long-term mission by her to discredit me, bring up the level of abuse, and also turn her anger towards my psychologist. Eventually, after hitting me with a telephone and threarening me with a shotgun, I discussed options with the base authorities and she was arrested and put into an inpatient facility. My command arranged for my son and me to go to a safe, undisclosed location. Here's the unbelievable part: she was able to convince the psychiatrist at the facility that she was a victim of abuse and a conspiracy of the military personnel involved. The psychiatrist released her the morning after she arrived. That day she actually tracked down a judge at her home during a dinner party and convinced her to sign an order giving her custody of our son and a protection order against me. Enough of that story...

 

I do not wish to be a victim, and I am aware of my own part in this as the enabler. I am convinced by overwhelming evidence, however, that she is able to manipulate the legal system and would keep my son and me apart. While it's unhealthy for me to stay, it is worse to take the risk that she will abscond with my son and be his only parental influence. While I can accept what she is and not allow her to convince me that I'm the inferior human being she believes me to be, my son is not that strong.

 

I will not stay with her forever. I really appreciate your frank input. Honestly, I thought there might be a strategy that would work to deal with her and minimize the damage she does.

[loulee]

Unfortunately once you stop being her supplier/enabler she will go elsewhere that includes both sexual approva/sex from others and in search for another supplier..I would also talk about your abuse publicly.Stop protecting it. Talk to work friends, and to family, this can help diffuse a narcissists a tad. If you still are finding reasons to stay which is apparent to me that you are as your son should be a driving force to leave then your best defense is to emotionally detach from her completely...Live two separate lives..let her know she has NO power over you..at all..this is not my advice to follow but one that may encourage her to leave you, as the less you supply her the less she will need you and go in search of another object(male) to supply her ...You should know how to diffuse her now...indifference..they hate silence as opposed to engaging in arguments. so never say a word let her rant and rave and carry on walk away take time out, dont get into the boxing ring so to speak AT ALL.. ..acting totally and seemingly unaffected be her outbursts is a good defense...if you withdraw from her..she will in turn withdraw from you and quickly at that!!..So start your withdrawals and good luck to you...I would think IF you documented your life to together and sought legal advice regarding custody of your son then you should be able to gather a good case for grounds for a divorce and share custody of your son....Honestly with all Ive said sorry you just need to leave...think about it soley as a positive thing you are doing for your just your son..as a parent I would not find this so difficult, as a partner I would....

[takingabuse]

OK, so she's not likely to get better. I have already spent a lot of time working on accepting that she is who she is whether I like it or not. I've made progress and have begun to have some success in detatching myself.

 

That being said, I'm really curious. Since it seems pretty much the concensus here that she's a narcissist or at least has those traits, how does her telling me to stop initiating sex fit into that profile? She's basically taken the carrot away from in front of the mule here. If I'm not allowed to pursue sex, and I know it will only happen every couple of months, I'm not being constantly rejected any more so she can't hurt me with that.

 

Something else interesting: I went ahead and asked her how she felt when I did approach her for sex, and she said it made her anxious. What's up with that?

[loulee]

A narcissist will withold sex for many reasons > One of which is to demean you and make you feel worthless and of no value..another is they do not need to use sex for their narcisstic supply, in other words IF they are getting their adoration from other people in other ways they will not use sex....they may be cheating and sleeping with other people remember you are more an object than a person so its all the same to them, they often change sex partners as some people do underwear.. they do not have remorse about affairs generally..they almost see them as their right to have numerous sexual partners..sense of self grandiose kicking in here..Miss superior.....etc...anxious my * * * * ...this does not make sense BUT NOR does a narcissist..and as for narcisstic traits I DO NOT think your wife has them. I think that she is a true pathological narcisisst in every sense of the word[B] A true classic text book case..[/b].Stop trying to understand her..you have NOT been able to do this for years AND never will..as for your curiosity....as the saying goes curiosity kills the caT", she would be most upset IF YOU had an affair though quite feral in fact....mmmm??

[loulee]

I also am having trouble understanding that you still find this women desirable enough to even WANT to have sex with her..!! Im more curious about that!!...She has 100 nasty reasons she validates for rejecting you sexually...what do you desire in her??? Do not be this weak and be her narcisstic supply sexually as well under any circumstances it will not ease the difficulty you face every day in this relationship...Altho the word relationship is quite out of text here..as this is not what it really is....

[loulee]

QuoteBesides, like in all new relationships, she did a good job of making a good impression in the beginning.

yes they do blind side people well in the beginning they know what to say how to flirt how to get you smitten they praise you flatter you they do ALL of the normal courtship things then when they have established their new supplier/enabler...they cease all that "nice" nonsense, as it was nothing short of setting a bait for prey..by this time the poor victim is under their emotional control and is often oblivious to it for some time often years....

[takingabuse]

I also am having trouble understanding that you still find this women desirable enough to even WANT to have sex with her..!! Im more curious about that!!...She has 100 nasty reasons she validates for rejecting you sexually...what do you desire in her??? Do not be this weak and be her narcisstic supply sexually as well under any circumstances it will not ease the difficulty you face every day in this relationship...Altho the word relationship is quite out of text here..as this is not what it really is....

 

Ahh, good question. The person we've been discussing in not there all the time. It's the 'other' person that really attracts me. The one that is 'normal' and interesting and nice. This may be typical of the narcissistic type, but it's almost like there are two of her. As an example, when she was a teenager, her older brother bought her a birthday present; one of those ceramic figurines...it was an angel with a devil's tail. He told her he had to give it to her because it WAS her. And he was right.

 

Add to that the fact that I'm a physically healthy male...when the opportunity presents itself every few weeks, the biology of the situation takes care of overshadowing the emotions involved. It's basically a 'booty call'; I know she has no emotional investment in the act, so I treat it that way. I accept it for what it is, and it no longer causes me any pain.

 

Is that a frank enough answer for you? Might make me look bad, but anonymity has its advantages

[loulee]

The one that is 'normal' and interesting and nice.

This is the only comment that bothered me the rest of it was obvious to me...

She certainly is a grand actress and you are her support actor..there is no normalcy in narcissism, only a grand desire to manipulate and belittle, demean... you may percieve her niceness as normal I percieve it as reeling her supplier back in when she feels the need...I would also think she is perhaps far more intelligent, as she currently is fooling you with her scraps of niceness ..your reference too her niceness(the angel) is years old... what..when she was a teenager?? Anyway I think you have already decided what you want for your life, and that of your sons...narcissists are often the winners in many ways, until of course they are left alone...Waiting for bouts of "percieved normal behavour" is sad really considering ALL of her other grandiose qualities.. good luck to you and your family, although you will need far more than this....

[takingabuse]

loulee, thank you for your frank comments. I am, of course aware of the only real solution, but was hoping to find someone with whom to comiserate that is in a similar situation, and was also not ready to get a divorce. Maybe there aren't many of us out there.

[loulee]

I had suggested you seek continued counselling on your own, have you? you need this regardless of whether you remain with your wife or not...There is a narcistic supply support group online this may be better for you as others in the same or similar situation can empathise with you...this is what you crave empathy as you do not get this at home, nor will, and I too can empathise with you through my own personal experience with narcism..As you say, you are Aware of the obvious solution HOWEVER you are not wanting to take steps towards a better life or any steps at all really... but will continue to place guards up that you may convince yourself protect you emotionally...they do not!! You have not mentioned how the overall affect of your turbulent house hold affects your son, or do you believe it isnt? He is number one here always!! So I realise your need for understanding but if you reread your own posts on here, it is highly unlikely that anyone on this forum would offer sympathy as opposed to solutions..I simply am trying to make you realise there is no cure for this personality unless of course your wife walks up to you and says something like this 'Im a horrible person i think i have narcissm, or their is something wrong with me.. and I want it to stop, will you support me in seeking help for us ..I love AND value you and wish my family to feel happy..." ASk your wife if she Loves you and values you ....So I suggest you seek a support network it WILL help you understand it all much much more, and realise also how most(over 85%) of these relationships fail and leave the "suppliers" such as yourself in emotional pieces..Life is too short...dont waste another minute...

[ordinarygirl]

I was blown away reading your post as you could have been writing about my husband! He has all of the same traits as your wife, right down to blaming me for all of our marital problems. Although, in his case, he doesn't just blame me for our marital problems, he blames me for everything. We've been married for almost 13 years, and he has gotten progressively worse as time has gone on. He is jealous of our children and any attention they get from me or anyone else. I've finally reached my breaking point and insisted he go to therapy. It hasn't helped. If he doesn't like what the therapist says (part of which is that he is narcissistic and very self involved), he disregards it. Needless to say, nothing has changed. I wish I had some magical words of advice for you, but I don't. The therapist told me the only action he will understand is a drastic one, such as me taking the kids and leaving. I know that didn't work for you. I've tried various things over the years which have worked temporarily, but he always reverts to type. The therapist said he probably always will. Hope things are better for you. Don't lose hope!