Does a mother who doesn't believe in her child deserve their love?

[Lucy__lou]

So I'm not close to my mother, but I'm worried that I might regret cutting her out of my life the way that I have.

 

I used to be a total mummy's girl, and I loved my mum more than anything else in the world. then as I grew older, I distanced myself from her, as many teens do, in order to forge a sense of individuality.

 

looking back, I see that my mother, though she loved me in that maternal way, she never really saw my talents or potential, never really believed in me, and to this day probably still doesn't. I've struggled through life, with very little support or encouragement, and by distancing myself from her, I've been able to develop more confidence in myself than if I had contact with her and her low perception of me.

 

I'm just wondering what people think though. I mean, she's all alone, and is getting sick. She told me she's at risk of having a stroke, and I'm just trying to put it out of my mind, because I just want to focus on my own survival and success, and not waste my energy caring about her. but part of me does care. I'd be interested in advice or different perspectives, especially from mothers.

 

I'm still trying to establish myself in terms of my career, and I would like to eventually help people who need help as I get stronger in the world, but I have put surprisingly low importance on the wellbeing of my mother. I know that most people have more parental loyalty than I have, and sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. She sacrificed so much to care for me as a kid, and now I only speak to her a couple of times a year, just so that she knows I don't hate her. But I think she knows that I don't really care that much about her, and I'm sure it hurts her.

 

thanks for reading.

[shikashika]

why do you think your mum does not believe in you?

[Rosee]

My opinion is that unless there was an abusive situation happening then your mum deserves better treatment than you've been giving her. If she dies I think you'll feel regret that you didn't put more effort in. I'm being blunt here, she's your mum for goodness sake, but my perspective is from one who loves her mum very much (and no she's not perfect but neither am I)

[bewilderment]

Lucy Lou,

 

I completely understand what you are talking about in regards to your mother. My mother, since I was small, has never been encouraging about my dreams and talents. And I have two sisters who attest to this negative parenting. It is like a virus that spread from three generations before her. I am just sad that she (still) does not recognize it and could have stopped the cycle. I do, and I will make sure that my kids are encouraged to reach their potential.

 

I would say that you should only keep your distance if she is still putting you down. Spend some time with her, but the second she says something to you that hurts, tell her. Explain to her that you love her, but it is very painful when she says negative things to you. Let her know that you cannot spend a lot of time with her if she continues to belittle you. Just be honest. You might find that she recognizes that you have been avoiding her for the past few years, and will be already careful with you. Maybe you can have the relationship you needed and always wanted. I truly hope that for you

[Capricorn3]

I mean, she's all alone, and is getting sick. She told me she's at risk of having a stroke, and I'm just trying to put it out of my mind, because I just want to focus on my own survival and success, and not waste my energy caring about her.

 

I'm still trying to establish myself in terms of my career, and I would like to eventually help people who need help , but I have put surprisingly low importance on the wellbeing of my mother.

 

She sacrificed so much to care for me as a kid, But I think she knows that I don't really care that much about her, and I'm sure it hurts her. .

I have to admit that this has been one of the most painful posts I have ever read. Ouch. I can't imagine how she must feel.

 

You only have a mother once in your life, and you say that for the most part, she has been a good mother to you.

 

She is now all alone and sick. Take some time out and visit her, care for her and love her. She won't be around much longer. You may not be crazy about her for whatever reason, but you only have this one chance left to make amends. Do it before it's too late and you won't have to go through life with regrets and saying: "If only I ........ ".

 

good luck.

[onthebound]

i am not a mother, but i understand how you feel. my advice to you is kindof a mix of what others have said. i do believe you love your mother and i think you should try to embrace that more. i know she mistreated you, but believe me you will regret it if she passes away and you didn't at least try to bring peace between the two of you.

 

it's okay that you're hurt by her lack of support and belief in you. i'm sure most people would feel the same.. and i think it was wise of you to gain some distance from her, especially considering it has actually done good for you. i don't think you should expect to have some amazing relationship with her (though i do hope for that, for you), but some kind of relationship is important. like someone said before me, unless there was/is abuse involved, i think you should try. be straight with her, tell her everything you feel about how she's treated you. make a point to say you do love her and want to be close to her, but she has made it very hard for you to do so. even if she doesn't understand or agree, at least you can say you tried and feel better for that.

 

good luck. i hope it works out for you.

[Lucy__lou]

Thank you all so much for reading this and posting. I appreciate all of it, and I'm taking it all on board.

[spinstermanquee]

Lucy,

 

Sorry to admit here, that I had a mum that never once said she was proud of me... or encouraged me to excel... despite always trumpeting how she "wanted me to be happy."

 

It is possible that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality. Please read up on it and act accordingly. Take care of yourself and God bless...

 

w

[house259]

If it were you getting sick, do you think she'd be there for you? We often take for granted th elove other people give us because we think they are supposed to do it. They arent . When you can give without expecting to receive anything in return is when you can truly say you care/love someone. By what you've said here, your mom has done nothing more than give you the independence from her that you wanted. We don't get to choose who our parents are, but you do get to choose the relationship you have with them.

[Mock Chop]

My opinion is that unless there was an abusive situation happening then your mum deserves better treatment than you've been giving her. If she dies I think you'll feel regret that you didn't put more effort in. I'm being blunt here, she's your mum for goodness sake, but my perspective is from one who loves her mum very much (and no she's not perfect but neither am I)

 

It's easy to say when you have a good relationship with your mother.

 

I cut myself off from mine a year ago. She died last week - suddenly and without warning. I had to do what I had to do for the sake of my own sanity. I couldn't take the ongoing nastiness, being used as her personal whipping boy (girl). I firmly believe she had a narcissistic personality disorder - something backed up by my therapist. Nothing I did was good enough, and she said something that I knew in my heart there was no going back from. And she chose the moment I was at my lowest point and desperately reaching out to her for love and support. So I said 'enough' and withdrew. She made no attempt to reach me directly, but did manipulate others into doing so.

 

And now she's dead.

 

How do I feel? I don't know. I've spent the last year grieving for my mother, long before she actually died. So I've done my mourning for the mum I wish I'd had. I'm devastated for my father - he's a broken man. And I'm plodding through each day on auto pilot trying to take it all in. But I haven't lost a best friend, I haven't lost someone I could always turn to, someone who I knew would always be in my corner. I never had that with her.

 

Only you can decide what to do, whether the relationship is so detrimental to your wellbeing that you have to cut ties. It's not an easy thing to do and many people just won't understand. You'll hear 'blood's thicker than water' so many times you'll want to vomit up an internal organ. But you have to do what's right for you.