ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 There's this guy I've had a crush on for a few months, whom I work with. He's obviously very interested in me as well and just recently asked me out. I'm 22 and I would have guessed him at 23-25. He asked me my age about a month ago (I should have asked him at the time too, argh) and then seemed to pull back on the flirting a bit. Then... it seems he forgot my age. So, I learned he's actually 19. Way too young for me. I don't want to bother explaining why or even consider dating him, that's just the way it is. My jaw dropped when he told me... he seems to know I am older than him, but not by how much (I realize it's not a huge difference.... but... to me it is big enough). He doesn't seem to care. Since I work with him, how do I politely turn him down when I already agreed to go out with him before I knew how old he was? (I SWEAR I thought he was older lol) Should I just be sweet and friendly, treat him like a friend, and pull way back? Make a few excuses? Or hang out and just pretend we're friends, and totally kill the flirting (that one is obvious - no more flirting haha)? I don't want to make things awkward at work... And now I feel so old and don't really want to tell him how old I am. lol Link to comment
Casey13 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Your easiest scapegoat would be to tell him you met someone else. Tell him you got back together with an ex. He should respect that and you guys can continue being friends. Link to comment
COtuner Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 You could say what I've said before, "I'm sorry, but I can't date anyone who isn't legally of age to join my in my favorite watering holes". Link to comment
DN Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 If he acts older and you found him attractive and mature enough before you found out his actual age I think you are not being very wise in turning him down because of the date he was born. Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 You could say what I've said before, "I'm sorry, but I can't date anyone who isn't legally of age to join my in my favorite watering holes". He is legal age here. If he acts older and you found him attractive and mature enough before you found out his actual age I think you are not being very wise in turning him down because of the date he was born. There's enough fish in the sea, so I'm not too concerned. But I will give this some consideration even though I am very reluctant to do so. Link to comment
lila... Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Is it only the age that is holding you back? Why don't you give it a chance, you might be surprised! You know, I used to think the exact same way, I never would have considered dating anyone even 1 year younger than me, but then I met my boyfriend and well everything changed. He's 3 years younger than me but if he never told me his age, I never would have guessed how young he was because of his maturity. I did have some issues before but now age isn't even a matter with us, we're so compatible and that's all that matters. But, if you're set on not dating someone that much younger than you, you can make up some excuse, or keep hanging out with him but just as friends. Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 I hate to admit it but my interest in him almost immediately dissipated once I learned how old he is. Most guys at that age are very immature and I've been through so much crap with guys since I started dating that I'm not so willing to risk the chance. I'd rather date a guy who I know has experienced a bit. Doesn't help that I was just accused of being a cradle robber. lol Link to comment
savignon Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 My fiance is 4 years younger than me and I had never, ever considered dating a younger guy. I also thought he was older than me or around my age... Anyways, knowing what I know about him now, I'd have been a FOOL not to go out with him b/c of his age!! Don't make that mistake. What has he done wrong? You've liked him all this time and you're going to cast him aside because of his age instead for a major character flaw or some horrible bad habit?? You should be honest with him in any event. Maybe once he knows you judged him so prematurely, it'll be as easy-peasy for him to move on as it is for you. Link to comment
yumicecream Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 If you liked him before, why is age the issue? Its only three years, jeesh! In any case, I just tell a guy exactly why if thats exactly why: "you're too young for me, otherwise I'd be interested". End of story. Why lie? Link to comment
lila... Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I hate to admit it but my interest in him almost immediately dissipated once I learned how old he is. Most guys at that age are very immature and I've been through so much crap with guys since I started dating that I'm not so willing to risk the chance. I'd rather date a guy who I know has experienced a bit. Doesn't help that I was just accused of being a cradle robber. lol hehe the same happened with me! Once I knew his age I lost some interest. Before meeting him, I viewed guys his age a certain way. Heck my brother is older than him and I still see him as an immature little boy. But you're right in that most guys that age are still boys and very immature, but I guess my boyfriend is the exception, the mold was really broken with him After him I probably will never date someone that young cause I know he's unique. But enough talking about my bf, I'm getting carried away. If you like him, I still think you should give him a shot. Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 If you liked him before, why is age the issue? Its only three years, jeesh! In any case, I just tell a guy exactly why if thats exactly why: "you're too young for me, otherwise I'd be interested". End of story. Why lie? Eh maybe I would rather just not deal with it. I am very bad at turning down guys. Especially ones I'm kind of interested in. Hence this thread. Three years can be a HUGE thing, especially at this age. I've been through so much since I was 19 and I just want a guy with more life experience. Besides, I turn 23 in July. Link to comment
savignon Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 lying about it to protect what you've presummed to be his 'immaturity' is selling him pretty short....especially since you used to think much higher of him. With no disrespect at all, because like I said -I had never considered dating younger guys until I met my fiance- I think losing interest in someone in seconds of learning their age when all other things are in place (personality, character, integrity, sense of humor...whatever attracted you to him) illustrates perfectly how age does not make someone more mature. Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 But enough talking about my bf, I'm getting carried away. If you like him, I still think you should give him a shot. I don't mind at all! I'm happy to hear about your experience. Maybe I will. I mean, it's not like I'm marrying the guy next week and I have to make my decision. But I don't want to lead him on... .... and I see this getting very awkward in the future... Why couldn't he just remember my age and leave me alone?! Argh! Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 lying about it to protect what you've presummed to be his 'immaturity' is selling him pretty short....especially since you used to think much higher of him. With no disrespect at all, because like I said -I had never considered dating younger guys until I met my fiance- I think losing interest in someone in seconds of learning their age when all other things are in place (personality, character, integrity, sense of humor...whatever attracted you to him) illustrates perfectly how age does not make someone more mature. I have no interest in lying to him. Not sure where you got that idea. Perhaps you mean my idea of just trying to slowly move backwards and let things fizzle? Personality, character, integrity, sense of humor... all those things can be mature. But life experience is something else. Some people don't even have that by their mid twenties, and it's important to me. My preferred age in a guy is 25+. I also didn't know this guy very well before I learned his age... Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Generally agree with DN and the others. But if the age difference is a big deal for you enough that the attraction truly fell, don't date him. But do be honest. Tell him he's too young without going into detail. It shouldn't really hurt his feelings, but may turn him off you a bit, which is what it sounds like you want anyway. Maybe try a casual friendship until you can estimate his maturity level. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 If he carries himself well enough to fool you into thinking he was 23, why do you think he must have the maturity of the rest of the 19 yo's? Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Wow, it's very interesting to me that everyone unanimously seems to think I should give this a shot. I appreciate all the opinions here, thank you (please keep them coming Link to comment
yumicecream Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I agree with the above posters. Just be honest with him. Tell him he's too young. I"m never afraid to be blunt as long as it isn't cruel (i.e, something like 'you're ugly'...there are other things that can be said in those situations). Link to comment
DN Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 If he were 16 it would be different. But he's 19 - legally an adult, old enough to vote, to drink, to buy a house etc. And before people say that age always matters and he's too immature - William Pitt the Younger was 24 when he first became Prime Minister of Great Britain. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 i agree with DN that if you originally thought he was mature for his age, you should go with that. age is just a number! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 My fiance is 4 years younger than me and I had never, ever considered dating a younger guy. I also thought he was older than me or around my age... Anyways, knowing what I know about him now, I'd have been a FOOL not to go out with him b/c of his age!! Don't make that mistake. What has he done wrong? You've liked him all this time and you're going to cast him aside because of his age instead for a major character flaw or some horrible bad habit?? You should be honest with him in any event. Maybe once he knows you judged him so prematurely, it'll be as easy-peasy for him to move on as it is for you. How old are you? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Wow, it's very interesting to me that the everyone unanimously seems to think I should give this a shot. I appreciate all the opinions here, thank you (please keep them coming I'll be the the brave soul to voice a differing opinion. If you lost interest in dating him, then there's no need to give it a shot. I would say the same thing to a guy who was interested until he discovered the girl was 19 and not 23. I'm not saying that this is you, but for me when I was not in a relationship, I was looking for someone with a college education, no children, and at least my age. Essentially, similar life experience. What you are looking for outlines what you are comfortable with. Honestly, if you are not comfortable with something and you lose your attraction, it's best to avoid it. Good for others for dating outside their initial perameters, but that is a personal choice and it is neither right nor wrong. On the other side of it, I've seen people try to date someone they knew they were uncomfortable with (i.e. someone of a different age) and coming back a few months later to say: "You are too old for me or you are too young." The response is, "if it was a problem, why did you date me and waste my time in the first place?!" Good question. You can tell him that you are not interested but would like to stay friends and leave it at that. Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 I don't get why some people are making not so pleasant comments about this in regards to my maturity and wisdom. Seriously, is it that big of a deal that you have to be rude about it? And thank you Ms. Darcy. I really appreciate your input. Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 You have to understand, lots of folks here are older, have dated much much larger age gaps, and aren't really realizing that when you are younger, even a gap of a year or two can be a big deal. Was for me back then also. Link to comment
DN Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I think the reason that people think you are not being wise is that you found him attractive and mature enough to crush on him and then when you found out his age assumed that your own instincts and judgment are faulty. Of course a couple of years can make a difference at that age and 19 year olds can be less mature than 22 but the only actual evidence you have right now is to the contrary. And on the basis of a birth-date you are going to turn him down - and that doesn't seem to be the action of someone thinking things through in a mature way. Link to comment
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