I gratefully give up OR NOT! Still here!

[SincerlyHurt]

The gal and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We broke up because of shortcomings in the romance and spontanaety department. She never expressed to me that she wanted more and I guess we became complacent and more like friends.

 

Now she is seeing someone from New York (we are in Texas) and they have seen each other on two occasions so far for several days at a time. The ex and I still talk and are very cordial towards one another. She even e-mails me after we talk sometimes to say it was nice to talk to me. I think I am now strong enough to avoid going on emotional spills when we talk. Last time I spoke with her (yesterday) I never mentioned our relationship, or her new one.

 

She told me about two weeks ago that she is lost and does not know what the future holds. My thoughts are that this is an "is the grass greener" scenario. The new guy is coming into town to see her again on April 16 - 18th. She is still in that infatuation and flattery stage with him.

 

What are my angles here? Do I make small talk with her or no talk? Since about the 2nd week of the break I have not called her except for a call back or two. She is receptive to our "small talk", but I feel if I dont make contact sometimes we may fall by the wayside. I need her to see that I can talk to her and that we can enjoy these conversations. I don't want her forgetting me while the newbie is around, I honestly cannot see that relationship lasting too awful long since it is expensive and rebounds as far am I am concerned on both their parts. She has expressed that she sees I have changed.

[jackie1982]

i say follow your heart.if no contact is the only way ur gonna get over this person and move on then thats gotta b the way.but i believe its not always best, sometimes standin by them and bein friends can also make them realise their mistakes,no contact i believe goes with the sayin "out of sight out of mind", just bein friends if you can stand it and its what you want can b good,and if things do work out with her and this guy then thats fate tellin u that u wernt meant to b with her,but at least ull know and wont b left wonderin and regrettin and havin any what ifs.thats just what i believe neway

[SincerlyHurt]

I found out tonight that he is all of a sudden flying in this Saturday until Sunday. I think it is time for me to just give up. They seem too infatuated with each other for me to even get a foot in the door. I guess no contact is for me after all. Ouch, this hurts soooo bad. I hop this a-hole spends his life savings on all these last minute flight from New York to Houston, wishful thinking I guess, but he is just a fireman that has a second job.

[jackie1982]

arr well uv come to ur decision urself,u should b proud of that,as long as its what uv decided deep down.every1s situation id different,if shes well in to this new guy then u contactin her will prob just annoy her,and yer u gotta look after urself then.ur no1 in ur life and u can find sm1 much better that likes u for u and theres no third party to get in the way.life can b so cruel hey.but what dont break u will make u stronger hey...

[SincerlyHurt]

Well crap!! She called my house last night at 11:00 but I was not home. So she called me on my cell phone this morning at 7:00. Her reasoning for calling was to borrow the charger for the electric toothbrush. When I told her I would bring it to her at school and then said well ok, I'll talk to ya later she said "why are you being pissy" and I said Im not. So she kept me on the phone. I told her I knew that the new guy was coming into town and that each time I know something like that it makes it easier for me to get on. She said that she has hard days and reiterated that she still does not know what is in the future. I told her I will not be second best and that i am moving on. That no matter who I am in my next relationship with I am going to be so much in tune with what is going on, I will not go through this hurt again. I told her that she just gave up on us when all we really needed was a kick in the mouth and a talk about our problems. She listens to what I have to say about us but does not respond too much.

 

So maybe no contact is what I need to do. So confused. She begged me on my voicemail this morning to call her back before I left for class. Maybe I should start ignoring a few of her calls.

 

I told her that I do not want to be her friend, that after being together 9 years that is not possible. I said it would not be fair to either of us if I acted like I could be her friend but really still had feelings for her. She understood.

 

Help me good people.

[SincerlyHurt]

She cancelled the wedding plans. AAArrrgggggghhhh!

[GeeCee]

Hi Sincerelyhurt

 

Thanks for your mail. I have read your thread. You know that I am not an advocate of NC - hell I can't stick to it myself. However, my situation is slightly different to yours. My ex is not seeing anyone else and he sometimes initiates contact. The bottom line is that whoever initiates it, he is always very responsive to me.

 

Now, your ex is seeing someone. In this case I would follow the NC rule - to preserve what little is left of my sanity if nothing else. I am guessing that she likes the idea of you as an emotional crutch. Well, hell, that is not good enough. Of course, you should be attempting to fulfill her needs, but not while she is shagging someone else. That is his job. So ... you have distance on your side. A poor fireman cannot possibly keep making the trip from New York to Texas - can't he possibly find someone a bit closer to home, for goodness sake!!!

 

I would try and resist contacting her - very difficult I know. I would also stop giving her ultimatums and not refer to the fireman EVER. If she brings it up, cut her off and talk about something neutral. But no more talk about the relationship. If she says that you are being pissy, explain that that is nonsense. But you are rather busy, and you do have a life.

 

This is tough - really tough - but she is showing signs of being unsure. Let this fireman lust wear itself out. He is here for the weekend, hopefully there will be enough fires in New York to keep him there indefinitely!

 

No doubt, she will come back to you for some support once he is gone. Do not listen to talk about him, unless you can deal with the emotions that that will bring up in you.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

 

P.S. BTW - I am only upbeat because I have no choice - if I started crying, I worry that I would not be able to get up off the floor again - EVER!!!

[SincerlyHurt]

Thanks for your response GeeCee. She does not bring up the fireman to me, and yes I do believe she is still unsure of the future. She has not said anything definite. I know I have a long road ahead of me waiting for this situation with her and him to fizzle, and to be quite honest, I don't know that I will still be around when it does fizzle. I am going out and talking to women, even got some numbers that I did not follow up on (it was just too soon).

 

What is my best option to make her realize 1). that I am moving on without her and am not concerned about her or her actions, and 2). that she has alot to lose in letting me go?

 

I have not seen her in two weeks and it may be a few more days before I do. I have lost about 25 pounds, am hitting the gym now again and my definition is starting to show again. She will be shocked when she sees me. All I can do is make myself better than this new guy. On a funny side note, her parents say he is a spitting image of me, her dad even told me my dad must have gone to New York and had an affair. When they saw him they thought it was me getting out of the car. LOL. This life of mine, I tell ya.

 

The days are getting easier, especially with my realization that I think it is over. It should be very easy not to call her since I have'nt in over two weeks. But taking her calls is another thing, I just don't know if I am strong enough not to answer them. She has already called today at lunch and left me a message and said I could call her back at the office but I am NOT.

 

Keep me strong folks, I need to get on with my life.

[SincerlyHurt]

Optimism abounds!!! I am networkig all my old contacts from school and may have landed a big fish. I called her on Monday night out of the blue, had not seen or talked to her in at least 5 or 6 years, maybe longer. I left her a message and she called back tonight. Good deal. We talked for about a half hour and will be in touch again the early part of next week to make some plans for next weekend. Things are looking up, don't know if it could be romantic or just a friendly relationship but time will tell. I do know she is not dating anyone. Time for me to hit the jogs and gym a little harder, if the old gal was not incentive this sure is.

 

I gotta have some confidence though. I do home health care and am still in school for Healthcare Administration and she is a Nurse Practitioner with a Graduate Degree. I better get my butt in gear and get my diploma.

 

Someone gimme tips on friendly first dates. It's been over 9 years and even then I was too young and broke for real dates. Help.

[SincerlyHurt]

Ok, I went to her work today and dropped the charger off. I made a little small talk with her and then simply left. She called me on my cell phone not 5 minutes later to talk. She asked me if anything is wrong. I said nothing is right but nothing is wrong either. I implied in not so many words that I have moved on and that there is someone else. I told her everyday I get better. When I got to work the following e-mail was waiting for me:

 

I really appreciate you letting me use the charger. It was good to see you. You look great! Don't get any skinner though – you will wither away. I am glad I bought you that watch, it looks really good on you. It made me really sad to see you today. I wasn't emotionally prepared. Just incase you need some reassurance. I think you are a great person and have a HUGE heart. We all need to hear the positive sometimes. I admire you for being so strong. I am babbling because I want you to know how highly I think of you and that when people discuss us there are never any bad thoughts that come to mind about you. Not many can say that about people they were sharing their life with. Thanks for everything. Next time I see you I will dance for you.

 

The dance she refers to is a silly little shake your butt thing she used to do when she was feeling goofy, she only did that in front of me. It was something I loved but never told her until after we broke up.

[strong1]

'BING' (freakin') 'GO' cowboy. You've caught her attention.

 

* I think she cancelled the wedding plans to get back at you for being 'p()ssy' frankly. She thinks you were..I just think you got a spine. Yippy for you! : ) The cancellation didn't mean anything..she was just striking back.

 

* Her 'new guy' looks like you? There's one for your ego. What does THAT tell you? (i.e. why would she want a 'new version of you' (in him) with whom she has to settle in when she has the 'old' you and all the memories you shared. (women are suckers for memories.)

 

* Good for you for getting buff and getting a date. That'll get the ol' ego up and running

 

* That last email from her...HOLY COW. She's VERY uncertain of her relationship w/the other guy I'd say.

 

So...keep contact minimal. She obviously likes the memories you shared..so..if/when you do talk (make yourself a little scarce by the way) might be nice to drop in little hints about 'Yeah..I drove past that park we used to go to sometimes...remember that one by the lake? They put a new slide in for kids...) or something. Nothing too obvious..and nothing that says 'I brought the new girl I'm dating there...but just something to jog your ex's memory of positive times.

 

Don't mention the future, don't mention you miss her. Be strong, be agreeable...be happy. She's BOUND to miss the 'new you' more than she already is. Wahoooo! Tables are turnining.

 

And her asking for the charger? HAAA. She could have bought a new one. I used a similar excuse to contact me ex last night. I can see right through that one! ; )

[SincerlyHurt]

Ok, she showed up at my door as I was in the shower tonight. My new skinny buff bod came to the door in a pair of boxers soaking wet, what great timing!!! She actually showed up to get the dog, unannounced albeit, but said that is the only way she figured I would let her take him. But, instead of just getting him and leaving she stayed for over an hour. She wanted multiple hugs, did her little dance for me, and we had some funny talk. We also talked a little about the future and she could not tell me she was 100% sure of anything. She stated that it had not been that long since we broke up (a little over 5 weeks). I did throw out some memories and such. It was a good ordeal. Since she has left about 30 minutes ago she has called about 4 times, the last time I did not answer. Calling about nonsense stuff: "you need to mow the grass, etc".

 

While she was there she did ask me about who I may be seeing. She asked if she knew her and I said I don't think so, its been about 6 years since I have seen her. Then to drive the stake a bit deeper I told her the new girl is a nurse practitioner at a hospital near us, which she is, just so my ex would know I am not embarking on a long distance relationship.

 

Overall, I think the tables are turning a bit, and Im in control now. She is not through with the new guy by far, they have plans to see each other through mid April at least, but hey, it has not been that long yet.

 

In the meantime I am going to continue to pursue new opportunities and live my life until the day we cross that bridge, if we ever do.

[SincerlyHurt]

Well she just came by to drop the dog back off. She took two hugs from me, told me I smell good. Asked me about my day ahead. And now she is off to work and then to the airport to pick up her New York fling. But somehow, I am not bothered. This may take a while, or it may never happen. One thing is for sure, nothing will happen before mid April at least. Im still going out and meeting girls, if something better comes along in the meantime so be it. I am not pining for her, just keeping a wishful outlook and living life for me.

 

Surprisingly, I am able to remain upbeat and smile when she is around, even though I know she will be with someone else for at least three more weekends, probably more.

[SincerlyHurt]

Boy O Boy, how times are a changin. Went out with all the friends last night to a fairly mature bar/nightclub where they have live bands. Lots of women there my age. Not only did I get every phone number I asked for I had a good good looking twin take my number. Things are looking waaaay up, my network expands a little each time I get out. So now in just 3 days I have 3 potentials, and if the twin calls make that 4 potentials. I have so much confidence, girls are really easy to talk to. Self esteem is boiling over here. The ex is going to see my new found comfort with life and it will eat at her as much as her seeing me on Thursday did. Im feelin good, lookin good, and most of all, at least right now, Im doin good.

 

So I guess here pretty soon I will have to start threads in the dating section.

 

So how long should I wait before I call some of these girls. My gal friends said to call them Sunday evening, that will be two days. Good yeah?

[GeeCee]

Ooooh - get you!!!

 

Two days is good.

 

G xx

[SincerlyHurt]

Last night was good, the night scene was a little slow. Got one number of a really cute gal that I have known through other people for a few years. Her and I are supposed to get together sometime soon to play racquetball or golf. She is in a LDR but we can just be friends and hang out. I got plenty of other calls to make this week.

 

Ok, it's Sunday, the ex's new beau leaves this evening. She WILL contact me tomorrow. I have some funny stories about Friday night but they also involve me sitting and talking to one of the new potentials, although the potential is not part of the story. When I tell it I am not going to mention what I was doing at the table but she will get the vibes and wonder what I was doing sitting down. This story can be told in a way that implies I am moving on and meeting new people without my ever saying anything. That would not be too blunt would it? She has to know that I can move on. She already knows I am talking to one person (the nurse practitioner) and that we will be going out soon. The story will be told with aloofness but will incur that I am not pining for her.

[SincerlyHurt]

Well, found out yesterday that the new guy does not fly out until today. I am getting pissed about all the mixed signals sent during the week, and her not knowing what she wants. This is getting exhaustive. She will probably still call tonight, or tomorrow for sure because it is the dogs B-Day and she is making him a peanut butter cake and keeping him tomorrow night. In the slightly pissed state that I am in today how should I handle her when she calls? Suggestions please. I almost want to wash my hands of her, this waiting game is brutal, will she ever know what she wants?

 

I had a thought. She gets out of school tomorrow at around 6:30 and will be heading to my house for the dog and such. I was thinking of trying to set up my racquetball game with the girl who gave me her # on Saturday night. This way when she gets to my house and is expecting me to be there I will not be, and I think it would probably eat at her that I am out having fun with another girl. Especially something as innocent as racquetball, that will have her wondering where this is going. "Not a date but racquetball, what are these two up to?" will be her thought.

 

What do y'all think, too much too early, or a good strategy?

[GeeCee]

Small question - are you planning on Ms Racketball being at your house when your ex comes to your house to collect the dogs?

 

If yes - be careful how you play with another's heart.

 

If no - sorry, got the wrong end of the stick!!

 

G xx

[SincerlyHurt]

No GeeCee, I will simply be gone and she will be expecting me to be here. She will probably call my cell phone but I won't answer. I may call her back later on and tell her WE were playing racquetball and she should naturally ask "who?" I will tell her who it is then. She is a very pretty girl and my ex should remember who she is. Is this a bad plan?

[SincerlyHurt]

Damn it, she called tonight and we stayed on the phone waaay too long. I pissed her off talking about whether her and him are happy, trying to see if they are going to drag this out so I can get some closure. I told her that she cannot hurt me any worse and that if I knew things it would help me go on. She did not want to tell me anything. Then we went back to lighthearted conversation, and then addressed some of our relationship shortcomings.

 

She said that if I went on and got with someone new that even if she wanted me back that she thinks I would be happy and not want her back and that because of this she may not even try. I just wish she could say point blank "we are over", but she won't. All she says is I told you to go on. But what else would a dumper say, wait around for me until I get through this fling. NO. I did tell her I am not ready to get serious with anyone.

 

She knows about Ms. Racqetball. She fell right into my trap. "So who are you going to play with, Shawn?" Uh, no. Well who then? I said XXXX XXXXX, and she said something about a theory she has but would not elaborate. I did tell her that we are just friends because she has a LD boyfriend, and I would not do that to someone because I know what hurt they would go through. I did ask her what she is doing for her B-Day (April 25) and she said she had not made any plans. I asked if she was going out of town and she said no. So I asked if he was coming in to town and she said no. She seemed sure, but things change around here everyday. As far as I know they still have not made plans past the weekend of April 17th.

 

I was thinking, she loves Jim Carrey, should I ask her to his new movie sometime? Just a thought, do I need to be around her to show her the new me?

[SincerlyHurt]

Well, with the lack of advice as of yet I took it upon myself to send her an e-mail this morning. It reads:

 

I just want to apologize if I upset you last night with my questioning, I did not mean to. I guess the reason I go on emotional spills like that is to get an idea of what the future holds, one way or another. I assume that you do not know what the future has in store for us or else I should hope you would give me some indication. I know you told me to move on and that should be enough closure for me but it is not. And dumper would say to move on or else they risk being a hippocrit. So your statement was expected. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am moving on, but I will not be able to fully until you say for a fact that you are 100% sure there is absolutely no hope for us in the future. Can you honestly say that? The vibe I get now is that you are as unsure now as you were when we spoke a few weeks ago and you said you were lost.

 

Also know that if you ever want to try to rekindle anything do not assume I would not take you back. We would have some discussion first and some things to work through but after that I believe we would be starting over brand new. Think about it, I have learned a great deal about myself and what I want out of a relationship and can now act accordingly. You will never know if I can make you happy unless you try. Whomever I am in my next relationship with on a serious level will be a very happy woman, I can guarantee that. I have so much to offer with my newfound wisdom, you have no idea the extent I want to take a relationship. This spectacle I am going through is way better than any counseling I could ever have seeked out.

 

In the future when you call I will try my damndest not to annoy you with talk like last night.

 

I guess my point is to get her to say with no uncertain terms that it is indeed over. I still think this is a phase she is going through and that she will not point blank tell me it is over because she honestly does not know. When I question her all she says is that she told me to move on, but what else would she say, wait around for me? No, no one would say that.

 

She calls every other night now or so and we just talk and laugh our butts off. She still calls me our goofy names for each other, not pet names just innocent names. Does she know she is sending mixed signals.

 

What do I do from here on out, help me. I am getting more and more lost.

[SincerlyHurt]

Here is her rebuttal to my e-mail:

 

Dear Changed Person:

 

I appreciate it. I don't want to fight with you or get into those conversations when I call you. We were together for a long time and sometimes I just want to talk to say hi and see how you're doing. If it's hurting you, I will stop. The reason why I can't tell you definite an answer is b/c you don't know what is going to happen and you don't know how your heart is going to feel. I am not telling you that to give you false hope, you can't tell me that you're not going to fall in love with Stephanie or the nurse, and you just don't know those things. I don't know how else to say that. I am very uncomfortable talking about all the personal issues you bring up. I don't want to know that crap about you, it doesn't feel good, and it doesn't help. NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK. I forgot the charger so I will give it to you Weds. I hope you gave Gabe a huge hug and kiss this morning and that you threw his toy for him. I know you are being a very good person about this; I just don't want us to end up hating each other or not talking. This is a very different situation. So who knows how to properly handle things? Give me the book if you have it, b/c I would love to read it.

 

XXXX

 

 

And here is my response:

 

Dear person I wish would change back,

 

So you ARE unsure. Kinda reminds me of on Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carrey says do I have a chance, and she says 1 in a million, and he responds "So there is a chance", hee hee. I just hope you are not leading me on or not giving me closure because you think I will take Gabe away, or the charger, LOL. Please don't do that to me. There is no chance of me falling in love with someone else, not in the near future anyway. The things I am doing now are just casual. And what book do you speak of, because I have read alot of excerpts from alot of different ones, or were you talking about my business communications book I was reading last night?

 

You are right about not knowing how my heart will feel, but just remember that you will never know unless you seek that answer out if that time ever comes.

 

So here I am back at square 1. One thing that stands out to me in her e-mail is the way she used YOU, as in me. She based it on me, and the way I will feel about her in the future, not the way she feels. There was no "I's" in there.

 

Anyone have some advice?

[GeeCee]

Ok Sincerelyhurt.

 

Thanks for your mail - here is my honest opinion. My heart sank when I read your first email to your ex, because my gut feel was that you should not be discussing any relationship issues right now. It is easy to tell the ex that you are a changed person. Easy easy easy. That is a standard response - they are expecting it. Words are cheap. Actions are not. So now you are saying, yeah, but I can't show her. And this is the difficult thing - the one I personally struggle with - but am learning. Patience, patience, patience. You feel like time is running out all the time, feel panicked and that you need to be doing something proactive, I know - that is me all over. But what I am learning is that this seducing an ex-lover back is time-consuming, and so it should be. If it was easy, we probably would not want it so much.

 

So, take a deep breath. She is very unsure - don't push he away from you. I honestly think that now is the time to mix it up a bit. Do not contact her now for a few days. Definitely no contact. No emails, no texts, no calls. She has heard what you have to say. She knows what you want. She would expect you to need to reinforce that desire. Don't do it. If and when you do make any contact - keep it light and vague. Nothing at all about the relationship.

 

This is what I would recommend that you do - difficult I know. But, have a go.

 

Don't hestitate to PM me again when you want to.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[SincerlyHurt]

Thanks GeeCee. She is coming over tonight for the dog but I am going out, will not be there. I will see her tomorrow in school for 3 hours though so I must stay calm and collected. She called me at lunchtime and I made small talk for about 3-5 minutes and then let her go. She has a response from me in her inbox, but it is nothing too deep, mostly humorous. So now I back off.

 

She does leave for New York on Friday til Sunday, then she will be calling again next week, should I ignore the first few calls?

[GeeCee]

Ok - good move.

 

As to your question. Well, I don't believe in not taking calls if you want to speak to the person and are emotionally able to do so without relationship talk. I tend to like a more proactive approach and believe that keeping lines of communication is hugely important. But you will get many others on this site telling you to do the exact opposite. My own view is that not taking calls is a game too far for me. I don't expect it will make you feel any better either. You will have to make the call about whether to take the call!!!

 

If you do take it - keep it brief and YOU need to be the one to end the call - goodness is that the time? Must fly, I am meeting upw with D soon. You get my drift.

 

Good luck with the no contact - it hurts like &^%^!!

 

G xx