Well, I did it tonight--I Cheated on my Husband

[Happiest26]

Cheating is cheating, whether it's in your mind or not. I would give my life to be with a man for 25 years, and so would so many other women!! Appreciate what you have!!

[NewLifeforMe]

Forgive me for not being back in so long. I guess I thought this thread had died out a month ago......little did I know it was still going strong.

 

Not to get everyone riled up again, but my current status today: I never have told my husband about that "incident," and it is all behind me. I will not do anything like that ever again.....I have definitely learned my lesson there. In my heart of hearts, I believe that he is better off not knowing.

 

Thank you everyone for your input and kicks in the rear, too, along the way!

[rgrts]

Well, I'm good at the moment and kicking myself for the experience....thank you very much...

 

 

 

If u think he doesnt know already ill bank on it that he does know.. prepare yourself you are in for a very bumpy ride..

and if he is a smaller size then he will be able to feel that u have stretched .

i have been there try to realize now what you have done and try to correct it now by talking to him and telling him and going to therapy and try to stop these secretive things its not respectful to him.

please i know the love of my life might not survive what i have done and i am paying for it dont keep going down these roads your mind is being destructive but u have to fight it and understand why.

[mrmaximum]

Forgive me for not being back in so long. I guess I thought this thread had died out a month ago......little did I know it was still going strong.

 

Not to get everyone riled up again, but my current status today: I never have told my husband about that "incident," and it is all behind me. I will not do anything like that ever again.....I have definitely learned my lesson there. In my heart of hearts, I believe that he is better off not knowing.

 

Thank you everyone for your input and kicks in the rear, too, along the way!

 

That is what we are here for, giving a different perspective on situations. Sometimes we are too close and can't see the forest for the trees. You have to live your life as you see fit as you are the one who is going to suffer the repercussions of your choices. I pray that you have indeed learned your lesson and that you and your hubby are re-establishing your communication.

[ColdHardTruth]

I am concerned about some of the advice given here. I have created an account for the sole purpose of posting this message for future readers out there who are seeking for help. I am concerned that those who are in a similar position and seek guidance from this thread will be lead down the wrong path. There were some really great advice such as coming clean to her husband and going to marriage counseling together - but I feel that this thread missed the core problem.

 

While what the OP, NewLieForMe, did was completely wrong, most of the advice here focused on the cheating (yes she is a cheater to be blunt) instead of the underlying problem - that her husband does not know how to make her feel in love again. Yes I said it, while she is primarily at fault for what happened, the husband played a HUGE part in pushing her over the edge.

 

Lets go about this problem logically.

 

The OP had 3 choices:

 

1. Admit that there is a fundamental problem, like a lot of the great posters mentioned, and try to fix it by working with her husband.

 

2. Ignore the problem and live in misery until she either cheats again and divorces her husband

 

3. Divorce her husband and find someone that will make her feel in love again

 

Option 2 is what the OP chose and what most women will choose, and you can't blame them. Why would she want to risk losing her husband - he provides for her and takes care of her even though she is repulsed by him.

Option 3 the OP avoided for the same reasons as the consequences of Option 2

 

Option 1 is the best chance at happiness for everyone, not just OP but her husband and family. This is obviously the best case scenario, BUT the root of the problem must be identified first before it can be solved.

The solution is HER HUSBAND HAS TO MAKE HER FEEL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN.

 

How do we do this?

 

Now instead of using vague words such as "love", while it's a nice way to describe our feelings for our partner - it's too abstract of a description to solve this problem.

Love is chemicals in your brain that is triggered by a person who you "love", these chemicals make you feel euphoric - thus feeling inlove.

 

The two main chemicals that make you feel "love" are Dopamine and Oxytocin.

 

DOPAMINE gives us excitement and makes us feel "alive!". It is produced when ALPHA traits are displayed by another person.

ALPHA traits can be a physical trait or a display of behavior:

 

- confidence (not being clingy and weak)

- having a physically aesthetic body (muscular for men and curvy for women)

- lifting heavy things

- Display of leadership

- Standing up for one self and not letting anyone take advantage of you

- display of strength, either physically or mentally

- bad boy image

 

These ALPHA traits, trigger a SEXY image to the observer. Alpha traits makes us want to have sex with the person that displays these characteristics.

 

 

OXYTOCIN gives us comfort and makes us feel appreciated. It is produced when BETA traits are displayed. Beta traits are for comfort and support, some examples of them are:

 

- high income

- owning a home

- loyalty

- successful career

- caring

 

These BETA traits, trigger a comforting image to the observer. Beta traits makes us feel safe and at ease.

Men and Women alike need DOPAMINE (ALPHA TRAITS) and OXYTOCIN (BETA TRAITS) from their partner to have a fulfilling relationship.

 

 

In OPs case, her husband is OVERLY BETA and has shown no ALPHA, therefore she is MISSING the DOPAMINE. She was obviously craving the dopamine when she was cheating, she was looking for a built alpha male with large equipment to give her the dopamine that she is lacking.

 

So the solution to her problem is HER HUSBAND HAS TO ALPHA UP!

Her husband needs to MAN UP - get some CONFIDENCE. He needs to do the following right away:

 

 

- Take charge of the relationship and be the leader (it's obvious that OP is in control of the relationship, her husband is afraid to stand up to her)

- Realize that he has a HIGH value in the sexual market and it will be much easier for him to find another mate than his cheating partner. The truth is he is a mature man with a successful career (i'm assuming since he provided all these years) will have an easier time finding a serious relationship more so than an older woman that already had two kids (this only applies for a serious relationship, not one night stands as women will always have an edge when it comes to finding sex).

- After realizing this, he will understand that he has options and that he can leave his cheating wife if he wants to for a better woman (NewLieForMe will find this extremely sexy - ironically)

- Stop being so WEAK, don't let his wife dictate his feelings

- Stop walking on eggshells around his wife - this is a HUGE SIGN OF WEAKNESS

- Stop caring so much about how his wife feels, he has no control of it

- Work out (heavy lifting preferably)

- Stop letting his wife disrespect him

- Stop being so clingy, be a STRONG man that his wife can lean on, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND

 

These are just SOME examples of what her husband needs to do. The OP is actually a very insightful person, she has identified the problem but is too afraid to be honest to her husband. This can be changed if she knew for sure what the problem was and how to go about solving it.

 

This is a common problem between couples, mean think that the way to make their wife happy is by giving her everything she wants no matter how unreasonable, in fact this is the opposite of what needs to be done for a wife that is lacking dopamine. He needs to stand up to his wife, show her the door if she wants to divorce and not give the marriage a shot then let her! he is too valuable to waste his time. The OP does not want to leave because she realizes that she is pretty low in the sexual market if she becomes single again. She will end up with no income support and have a hard time finding an Alpha male that is willing to stick around and support her because she is already old and has had two kids - just not the kind of things a high value sexy alpha male will seek.

 

This is the cold hard truth. Imagine if her husband was a confident man that didn't put up with any of her BS. If when she filed for divorce, he pushed back and showed her the door for being ungrateful. Imagine if he didn't show such weakness, when OP is feeling down he wouldn't ask "are you okay? please don't leave me" but instead just tell her "I'm here for you to lean on" then went on about his business and not orbit her.

Imagine if he lifted heavy weights every other day and played sports. All of a sudden you have a high value male that OP would be dying to have sex with because she will feel "in love" again.

 

But since OP decided to just sweet it under the rug, I'm afraid she has gone down the wrong, lonely path.

 

For those of you who read through this series because you are having relationship problems, I hope this post helps you. If you need details, please send me a message - I want marriages to work out as much as possible. Sometimes it's not because people are not willing to do the work, it's just they don't know how to fix it - they often end up doing the opposite of what they should do.

[annie24]

Thread is 7 years old. Closed.