Well, I did it tonight--I Cheated on my Husband

[doyathink]

take your sarcasm elsewhere please. don't have something useful to say? don't say it.

You said this to me in a thread last night. Some should take heed in their own advice!

that is the dumbest thing i've ever heard!!!

 

congrats! you must be proud

 

OP.....If you're willing to stay in this marriage, then the truth should be told to your husband so that he has a say in whether he wants to even remain married to you. If you both agree to stay in...then I'd suggest some serious marriage counseling, and absolute faithfulness. If your heart is simply no longer in it....leave.

[Creative]

So... what is it about having an empty nest that made you start thinking about having an affair?

 

I'm merely interested.

 

Does it have something to do with feeling like two equal standing adults can finally make decisions for themselves and that you no longer have to be a consistent moral character to your sons/daughters ?

 

If you can, please elaborate.

[Spawn]

if you have realised you made a mistake talk to your husband about it.

 

if your husband loves you a lot he will make the right decision. Accept it!

 

I will not blame you but you should talk, communicate with your spouse....its the most important part of a relationship. Stress, frustration...sex, these things can really play on your self esteem.

 

Don't let all these effect your relationship. if you don't talk how would he know what your are going through....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I do have to say.....when I was with "Come-Up-Short-Fella" (who actually even slightly resembled my hubby.....I did have a new-found appreciation for him at the time........so perhaps it wasn't all a lost cause.

 

Given the flippant joke I have to wonder if this thread is even for real. Does Craigslist work that quickly where you submit an ad and on the same evening you get tons and tons of responses, exchange photos etc all in the matter of several hours. You were there one day alone after your friends had gone and this whole setup from placing the ad, to the responses to the meetup happened in just one day! This whole story sounds a bit suspect to me.

[loulee]

i know i shouldnt be laughing but your post had me in fits,your a very brave woman particularly for a virgin bride....and I will try and be serious now and indentify with your problem..

all of your initial feelings and discontent are understandable and normal AND possibly fixable.

Your biggest error was going outside of your marriage to seek resolutions and it sounds like you got a disappointed session with none other than Bart Simpson...sorry Im laughing again...not at you but with you....

1. yes it was cheating yes thats right oral sex is cheating..going on to craiglist is cheating..meeting him in the foyer before your session is cheating without the oral..chatting and flirting online with other men is cheating....

2. your obviously need to address all of this with your husband, and quite honestly i would leave the Bart bit out....it would be devastating for him and terribly hurtful

So on a more serious note you have betrayed a loyal partner..it doesnt really matter what your reasons were..it sure doesnt make it right, and this was far from that...

Address all of your concerns within your marriage to the man you married...work together on seeking a solution...its surely worth a try...and if new strategies are unable to be put in place then i guess you need to think about the future long term..Please dont do this again..you owe it to your husband that should you ever wish to no longer be within the confines of your marriage to leave it, before you try other another relationship of any sort..Cheating as you are aware causes a very deep hurt and its quite gutting to be an innocent victim of it by someone you love and trust as he does you. The pain of being betrayed can haunt you for years..think about this...how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot....I already know........

PS. those online photos can be mighty decieving thats why we have Photo shop editor programs and the like..we can all look like supermodels online...lesson learnt!

[NewLifeforMe]

So... what is it about having an empty nest that made you start thinking about having an affair?

 

I'm merely interested.

 

Does it have something to do with feeling like two equal standing adults can finally make decisions for themselves and that you no longer have to be a consistent moral character to your sons/daughters ?

 

If you can, please elaborate.

 

I think that what it truly was, was that we were so busy all of those years in raising the kids and going in 25 directions with their activities and that they were always around and present.....that when they weren't there anymore, this just happened to leave a big void in my life and start the big doubts......oh, and also coincide with a time in my life when I got LASIK eye surgery and got rid of glasses, started wearing my hair in a more fashionable style, and had had the Lap-Band procedure done--so I had lost some weight....but although I'm not to my goal weight yet to date, I'm thinner than I have been for the past 15-20 years.

 

Hmmmm. That's the first time I have made that connection here. I remember reading somewhere online when I had had the surgery done that a common side effect of weight-loss surgery was DIVORCE.....because people got a new-found confidence they didn't have before or spouses get jealous, etc.

 

Thanks for that introspective question.....

[NewLifeforMe]

Given the flippant joke I have to wonder if this thread is even for real. Does Craigslist work that quickly where you submit an ad and on the same evening you get tons and tons of responses, exchange photos etc all in the matter of several hours. You were there one day alone after your friends had gone and this whole setup from placing the ad, to the responses to the meetup happened in just one day! This whole story sounds a bit suspect to me.

 

Yes, this thread is very much for real, and yes, Craigslist works THAT fast. This was on Friday morning I placed the ad....was on the road by Friday noon...by Friday 4 p.m. I had quite a few responses in my box. With my laptop with me and with my friends leaving by Saturday late morning, it was all quite easy to set up.

 

I wish it hadn't of been....this is the next morning after, and the remorse is starting to settle in.

 

I now see that a few coins must have fallen out of his pocket and onto the floor when he was getting dressed. Does that mean he paid me and that I'm now a prostitute? ](*,)

[NewLifeforMe]

Thank you, LouLee, for your understanding post, instead of the constant flaming posts. I know I did wrong. It's okay to laugh at my Bart Simpson experience.....I have a feeling it will keep me on the straight and narrow for a good long time.

 

Like they say, KARMA.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think its hard enough to find a guy or girl who'll be faithful to you for 25 years of marriage. Here you have a loyal husband, kids, everything you could want.

 

And it still wasnt enough?

 

I'd tell him. Because I couldnt live with it. And if I were you? I'd do him a favour and leave him, then you can chase all the guys you like.

[loulee]

Thank you, LouLee, for your understanding post, instead of the constant flaming posts. I know I did wrong. It's okay to laugh at my Bart Simpson experience.....I have a feeling it will keep me on the straight and narrow for a good long time.

 

Like they say, KARMA.

Well there are plenty of barts about but not to many loving loyal partners to the end of your days.. by comparison...Who knows your grass just may be greener where you are..it may just need some fertiliser..good luck with your future decisions...Im sure your much wiser from your experience there is no need to beat a person when they are down or when they have acknowledged their own wrong doing....it achieves nothing....its where and how you go from here that counts now....all the best to you...

[Ellie2006]

If this story is true, then don't tell your husband. Ever. It will completely destroy your marriage. Maybe instantly, or slowly as the knowledge eats away at him.

 

However, you definitely need to both go to marriage guidance counselling.

 

I agree with the second part of HNR's post about going to marriage counseling.

 

BUT I have a different perspective on the first part: this marriage is already destroyed, maybe not completely but on its way to getting there. How can it not be (already destroyed), when one person in the marriage is contemplating meeting strangers for one-night-stands, simply because they feel entitled to mind-blowing sex with a stranger?

 

OP, since this first round of cheating turned up short and left you feeling dissatisfied and disappointed, what's keeping you from cheating a second, third time?

 

 

I know that it's sometimes difficult to *read* one's tone/intentions with 100% accuracy in these posts, but you, on the whole, *come accross* as rather blase/flippant to me about the whole experience, just chalking it up to "karma," not really acknowledging the SEVERITY of what you actually did.

 

Also, you appear to think, just because your husband is clingy and is in love with you more than you are with him, that he will forgive you for anything and everything. This does NOT, in my humble opinion, automatically give you an "out" for the mistake you made.

 

OP, you'll probably get roughly the same number of advice advocating both -- telling your husband and NOT telling your husband.

 

Honestly I think you should tell your husband. If he loves you as much as you claim he does, I'm sure he'll be willing to try and work on the marriage so that it becomes a relationship that is fulfilling for you both.

 

I do not think it's a good idea to invite someone into BOTH OF YOUR LIVES by engaging in these types of sexual liaisons with strange men, not to mention STDs.

 

 

Just my two cents.

 

And no, I dont think you can call posts "flaming" simply because they are pointing out that you did something wrong.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with this. Also, I will say, the whole tone towards your husband is one of disrespect..it is almost like you disrespect him for loving you and that you would rather have sex with strangers who don't love you. Do you love yourself? The fact that you can be so flippant and condescending towards a man who loves you and excited about the prospect of strange men using you for sex suggests to me that you don't love yourself and therefore think something is wrong with a man if he actually does love you. Your flippant remark about the coins is very telling...if this thread is indeed for real then it shows that you don't have much respect for yourself. Perhaps that is something you should be working on and then maybe once you love and respect yourself you will be able to appreciate your husband.

[Ellie2006]

^ I agree w/ CAD: even if you dont much respect your husband (as is evidenced by your behavior), at least out respect for the 25 years this man spent devoted to you and your child/ren, and out of respect for the father of your child/ren, tell this man the truth that he deserves.

 

Sure, maybe others will disagree, but in my humble opinion, there are *NO* extenuating circumstances that would make cheating permissible. Maybe I can understand it in the context of "everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect." And yes, it's not so nice to be judgmental towards others or to be so ready to cast stones.

 

BUT just because people can understand what might compel cheaters to betray their partners, this does not right the wrong of your actions UNTIL you ask for forgiveness to the person you have wronged.

 

And I say that there are *no* extenuating circumstances bc I'm sure that there are many people with the same conditions as you find yourself now -- empty nest syndrome, supposedly clingy husband/wife, discontent with current sex life, uber-confidence in their external appearance, temptation to cheat with a stranger -- and still are able to FIGHT OFF the temptation and instead try to work on their current relationship to make it better for both parties involved.

 

Quite frankly, what I find most shocking about your post is NOT so much that you cheated BUT your attitude about your cheating incident -- "haha, the jokes on me, I guess it's karma bc I cant even cheat right!"

 

At least have some decency to own up to your mistakes, instead of passing off responsibility to something else -- namely, your "clingy" husband, karma, your one-night-stand-guy, empty nest, etc.

[Raoul]

Be proud of yourself for violating a lifelong commitment. Be proud of yourself for being a coward and not trying to work out your issues with your life partner, for turning your back on your children, your family, your friends, your life, your values.

 

Cheating and infidelity are easy. Weak minded people with low self-esteem are everywhere. So be proud of yourself for taking the easy way out, for putting yourself above all others, of being selfish.

 

Blame others for your situation. Do not face who you are and what you're doing.

 

After all, its easy.

 

Raoul

[diabolik]

To temper the backlash a bit: OP, yes, what you did was unfair to your husband. But let's face it, insecurity drives people away. While she could have handled it much better than she did, it isn't all that surprising that someone who is so clingy and insecure gets cheated on. This doesn't excuse her behavior, just helps explain it.

[NewLifeforMe]

I'm going home today. I have decided that for the time being anyway, I will not tell him...I know his soul deep down and his insecurities and this will absolutely eat away at him and kill him. He does not want to be alone.....he has stated that over and over in the past to me....and what would this confession do but force him to consider an option that would put him in just that state? And I know him, I think, pretty well by now.....I do believe that he would forgive me and keep me around, but this knowledge would crush his very being.

 

Meanwhile, this experience has done for me what I kind of was hoping it would.....by having a less than "stellar' one (again, excuse my sense of humor, people...I'm not being flippant, it's just me), it has now put all ideas out of my mind of being with someone else. I am a trusting person....and I now realize firsthand that people will tell untruths about themselves just to possibly get laid (imagine that). That makes my husband stand out better to me in my eyes. Yes, I'll admit I have had somewhat of a lack of respect for hubby for a few different things that have been building up over time, but this whole experience has shed a new light on that.

 

I'm glad it was a bad experience, actually. I think it has scared me back into reality. No intercourse took place, so hopefully don't have to worry about any STDS and definitely no pregnancy.

 

The forces that be knew what they were doing here. I thank you all for your help and your perspectives....you have helped me greatly, as well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

To temper the backlash a bit: OP, yes, what you did was unfair to your husband. But let's face it, insecurity drives people away. While she could have handled it much better than she did, it isn't all that surprising that someone who is so clingy and insecure gets cheated on. This doesn't excuse her behavior, just helps explain it.

 

 

Yes, but we don't really know if he is actually clingy and insecure by nature or if the way she has been acting has caused clinginess and insecurity. When someone is backing off from their partner, not showing love, giving mixed signals etc even the most self-assured partner can end up feeling unwanted, unloved, insecure, needy and clingy. Given the fact that the OP has entertained and encouraged the attentions of other men in the past, and her husband clearly knew about it, it is not surprising that he would end up feeling insecure and needy as he was probably always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? In other words, which came first, her wandering eye or his neediness? That we will never really know. At any rate, even if his neediness/clinginess came first, cheating is still the wrong way to deal with it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you had oral sex with him without a condom you still have to worry about STDs.

[Ellie2006]

I think it has scared me back into reality.

 

I wish you the best and I respect your decision to wait on disclosing this information to your husband.

 

If I may ask: would you consider consulting a therapist to investigate 1) why you chose to take such a drastic and destructive measure in trying to resolve a problem within your marriage and 2) other approaches you can take in dealing with the issues in your marriage (empty nest syndrome, discontent in the sex dept., your perception of your husband's behavior, etc)??

 

Please keep in mind that your actions impact your entire family -- not just you and your husband but your children as well.

 

While it was not something that I experienced in my own life, I have imagined how I might have reacted if one of my parents had committed adultery, since it's happening with such frightening frequency these days.

 

I know that I would still love my parent -- they loved me unconditionally through all of my stupid mistakes and I dont think I can ever turn my back on them ever (!).

 

BUT I know that I would never be able to trust them again on anything.

 

Maybe your child/ren will react differently but you know that, without a doubt, if they ever learned of your infidelity, it WILL hurt them deeply.

 

Take care and good luck.

[smarternow]

The truth is if you had oral sex with no condom, you could still get herpes of the mouth that will last the rest of your life. Your partner do not have to be having an outbreak to spread herpes. You still put yourself and your poor unsuspecting husband at risk for STD's. Get tested and tell him the truth. It will come out anyway. Look through these posts, cheaters always get caught one way or another eventually. It will be worse if he find out verses you telling him. The truth always come to the light. Your poor husband, he deserves a much better wife than you.

[laisla]

If you had oral sex with him without a condom you still have to worry about STDs.

 

yea, please get an STD test. even if you just kiss your husband you could infect him.

[diabolik]

yea' date=' please get an STD test. even if you just kiss your husband you could infect him.[/quote']

Problem is she has to wait ~2mo for seroconversion before getting a herpes blood test.

[laisla]

Problem is she has to wait ~2mo for seroconversion before getting a herpes blood test.

 

i thought it was 3 weeks. wow.

 

 

[diabolik]

i thought it was 3 weeks. wow.

 

 

Well, yes, it can happen sooner, so she could get tested in 2-3 weeks, but that won't be definitive, and she would have to come back and re-test after ~2-3mo.

[Mavh25]

You do have to have an outbreak to spread herpes.