My girlfriend still talks to her ex-boyfriend - HELP!

[sbux_addict]

Or maybe she doesn't want to tell him about you because maybe they're still together?

[gatoruf]

Or maybe she doesn't want to tell him about you because maybe they're still together?

 

They're definitely not together because she has told a lot of people that we're together, including some of her best friends from home. It's on facebook so I'm sure he has seen our relationship, there are a ton of pictures of us at formals, date functions, etc, so I'm sure that he has seen them if he is even on facebook.

 

It's just the fact that she wont tell him about me. I just recently asked her why does she care more about his feelings than mine, and she said she doesnt. I said well it's hurting my feelings, and I didn't get a response other than "You're hurting my feelings." I feel like if she really cared about our relationship she would do the one thing that it takes for it to survive.

 

She always asks me why is it so important that he knows and I have no answer to that. It just is. I don't want the kid to think there is hope for the two to get back together, but she tells me he has never mentioned it at all.

[gatoruf]

Well. most people would consider that cheating - does her ex know she did that with you?

 

No, I'm sure he doesn't. She won't tell him anything about me. You see, we go to a school in central Florida (I'm not saying because of anon) and he goes to one in the pan handle, so it's long distance other than in the summers and the few breaks we have throughout the year.

 

She has said that over the past couple of months their relationship grew to more of a friendship than anything else.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for her, just trying to present facts based upon what she has said to me.

[DN]

No, I'm sure he doesn't. She won't tell him anything about me. You see, we go to a school in central Florida (I'm not saying because of anon) and he goes to one in the pan handle, so it's long distance other than in the summers and the few breaks we have throughout the year.

 

She has said that over the past couple of months their relationship grew to more of a friendship than anything else.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for her, just trying to present facts based upon what she has said to me.

Then this is why she won't tell him. She doesn't want to be called out for cheating.

 

And beware of being the temporary boy-friend who gets dumped when she goes back to him in the summer. Which is another reason she doesn't want to tell him.

[maverick554]

If you two are in a commited relationship, even if it is only 2.5 months along she is totally breaking all the rules. It is rediculous for her to talk to her ex every night, refuse to tell him about you, and then say that she is over him and wants to be with you. I've learned in the past not to get involved with someone who is not over their ex / past in general. Its up to you, but you can either stick it out and let her continue to disprespect you, or you can tell her that it needs to stop or your done with it. Best of luck with everything.

[Seymore]

When I was dating my ex, she would text back and forth with the guy "before me". A guy who she described to me as "he was just a fling". Even 6 months into our relationship, she'd never tell me they were still talking, and once I found out, I asked if he knew that she had a boyfriend. She said she didn't know, but he should know based on her Facebook status at the time. She didn't tell him until I brought up to her that it made me uncomfortable. Up until I brought that up, I had to ASK "Have you heard from him lately?" to get an honest response, and even then she was either dodgy or forgetful at times (I'd usually know if she was in the shower getting ready for bed and her phone would go off - I'd look at it and see it was him - she'd look at it and not say anything). Once I found out that he left her 2 weeks before she met me, I figured I was the rebound guy. I still wonder if that was considered her being dishonest.

 

Regardless of my story, she's definitely not being fair to either of you. It sounds like she's concerned about one person: Herself.

[Metallica Lightning]

It's okay to talk to an ex, but under these circumstances she's being very inappropriate. I'd talk to her about it, and ask whats up.

[gatoruf]

Okay, so here is an update: Today was a disaster. We fought all day and have solved pretty much nothing. Tonight we kinda got over it, but I went to take a bathroom break and saw her phone. Against my better judgment I looked, and she had spoken with her ex, and texted. We are at her condo, and when she spoke with him, she said that we were going crab hunting. Her ex asked with who, and she didn't even mention my name, she only said her mom.

 

I confronted her about this knowing she would be pissed that it would explode into a huge argument, and she was like "how can I trust you, I don't even want to be with you now." I told her that is fine, and I'm hurt she couldn't even acknowledge me. We fought for a good 2 hours just bringing up past stuff, it was all ridiculous.

 

We went to bed finally, and at that point when she went to get ready I thought about everything. She had told me that she would tell her ex tomorrow, but I asked her why she couldn't tell him tonight when he asked who he was with. I thought it was a perfect opportunity. She said she didn't have an answer and she didn't know. I asked her what would make her want to tell him tomorrow and she again said she didn't know.

 

After that I told her she can choose whether or not she would tell him, but I wouldn't stick around for someone that can't acknowledge my existence. I just can't do it, I can't wait for that. She asked me why I can't stick with her while she gets over him, and I told her because she isn't giving herself the chance. She isn't telling this kid to stop calling, and she won't even stop calling him. She said their conversations are only a few minutes long but I told her that it isn't helpful to have any contact at all during this stage, when you're trying to get over someone.

 

I think it is just ridiculous, but I gave her the ultimatum. I can't be with someone that is willing to let the past affect our future. I told her I would be hurt if we ended up not together, but I told her she needs to figure it out tomorrow or I'm gone.

 

Thanks for all your help, any other advice is really appreciated.

 

Edit: Also, I told her I don't want her to tell her ex just because I want her to. I don't want her not meaning anything. I want her to mean it in her heart, and I feel like it can't be forced. That is why I left the decision to her.

[gatoruf]

This is funny because she ALWAYS says this. She put it on facebook expected her ex to find out about us. I'm always telling her she can't assume too much. It's kind of ridiculous actually.

[DN]

I would not be with someone who is 'trying to get over her ex'. By definition that means she isn't able to concentrate her emotional energies on you - and that means you are being shortchanged.

 

The usual scenario for this situation is that you are either 'rebound guy' or 'band-aid' guy'. She will be with you until she either goes back to her ex or gets over him.

 

Once she has got over him - you are now a constant reminder of the pain she experienced while getting over him. So you get dumped while she looks for someone who is entirely new and has no association with her ex at all.

 

This is not good for you in any sense.

 

Her reluctance to tell him speaks volumes.

[gatoruf]

I would not be with someone who is 'trying to get over her ex'. By definition that means she isn't able to concentrate her emotional energies on you - and that means you are being shortchanged.

 

The usual scenario for this situation is that you are either 'rebound guy' or 'band-aid' guy'. She will be with you until she either goes back to her ex or gets over him.

 

Once she has got over him - you are now a constant reminder of the pain she experienced while getting over him. So you get dumped while she looks for someone who is entirely new and has no association with her ex at all.

 

This is not good for you in any sense.

 

Her reluctance to tell him speaks volumes.

 

It does, you're right. I guess I'm so very weary of taking advice off the internet - no offense or anything.

 

I feel like we have something special together but I guess that these are all life lessons we all learn through time.

 

We talk about having a future together all the time, but I gave her the ultimatum, and she isn't happen. She is now "thinking over" our relationship because she doesn't like the kind of guy I've turned into.

 

I always tell her that things will be better if she just told him.

[Seymore]

Not only does her reluctance to tell him speak volumes, her reaction to you bringing it up as well as guilt-tripping you ("How can I trust you") speaks quite a bit as well.

 

When I'd brought up to my ex that I'd like her to delete his number, she actually did. It took a bit of a nudge on my part, but she did it without the yelling and blame-shifting. Yours sounds like she has something to hide, and you're getting somewhere in finding out what that is. That scares her.

[leftwonderin]

I know how you feel -I'm in a similar situation, although we've been together for probably about 3 years now. My advice: decide if she's worth it. Or, one of my favorite techniques - just give her space. Don't let her know it's bothering you, and she will do one of two things: dump you, in which case she didn't really love you to begin with, or possibly get bored with the double standard she has been using, in which case, you may be able to work it out just by talking and establishing boundaries. Just let her know that you've got pride. Otherwise, she knows that she can walk all over you. Hope this helps.

[SapphireNoir10]

Hi

 

I'll tell you a few things I find strange

 

1. I think your in denial, your so hopeful the relationship will work that your completely dismissing and ignoring whats wrong in it. You are UNHAPPY, all you seem to do with her is argue. So what exactly is it you have to losse with this woman?

 

2. If a friend was telling you the same thing, and if you told your friends and family everything you told us. What would they say? What were saying. You know they would.

 

3. 'Why cant you be with me while Im getting over him' RED FLAG. She isnt even over this guy. She loves you, but apparently she loves him as well...and you have to be with her whilst shes getting over him. She SHOULD be over him already.

 

4. She shows complete disregard for your feelings. ASk her, if it was the other way round and you were texting an ex gf all the time and werent over her, how would she feel? I doubt she'd put up with it at all.

 

5. It is shady. Chances are if she cheated on him with you she cant feel very much for you or him. She treated him as disposable and she dosnt care what you think or do very much either because she is hurting you. AND i think shes keeping him hanging on just incase she DOESNT get over him and she can go back to him later on if it doesnt work out or have him on the side.

 

You know this isnt right.

[drewciouS281]

You need to give her an ultimatum because this is unacceptable. You need to find out why she even cares to talk to him so much if she is in love with you. An ex is an ex for a reason. Even though i am cool with my ex's i do not talk to them out of respect for my girlfriend and she doesnt either. Ask your girlfriend to put herself in your shoes if one of your ex's was calling you everyday and late at night, how would she feel? Its obvious there are other intentions here either from the ex or possibly both. I mean what is there really to talk about every night unless they are reminising about thier past which is wrong! Hopefully your not a rebound and they are starting to re kindle. This is where the ultimatum comes in place. You should say something along the lines of "either you tell your ex about me while im there next to you or you stop talking to him completely. If your not willing to do one or the other than i dont see a point in continueing this relationship". There is something going on here. YOu need to put your foot down. Sure you love her but is it worth being with someone that isnt having any respect for you or your opinions? Think about it!

[DN]

She is now "thinking over" our relationship because she doesn't like the kind of guy I've turned into.

 

This is total nonsense. She is trying to turn this whole thing around and make you the bad guy and her the poor little innocent. Don't fall for this sort of manipulation - she's trying to fool you.

 

If I were you I would tell her that you have done all the thinking that's necessary for both of you - and that you think she is full of it and can go back to her ex.

[gatoruf]

This is funny because I'm not the kind of person to be in denial. There are times when we have complete bliss and you can feel the love for each other.

 

She just agreed to tell him, so hopefully everything works out.

 

Personally I still think it's ridiculous that I've had to go through all of this, but everyone around us says we're made for each other.

 

She and others that are close to her and her ex have both said that we are better.

 

Plus, to be honest, her ex is an ugly mofo (haha), and I'm a model, so it's not like I have insecurity issues or anything.

 

I guess I'm just super frustrated!

 

I really appreciate everyone's help, you guys really do ease the strain.

 

I'll stick around the forums to help others, and hopefully this thread will help others that may come upon this situation!

[SapphireNoir10]

I think you are in denial

 

Shes cheated in the past. She had no respect for your feelings until you forced her too. She'll be going to stay near him.

 

And if your friends tell you your made for eachother after this? they arent that good friends to you.

 

I hope that it does work out for you against the odds.

 

But trust me, being better looking than him does not guarantee she loves you more.

[DN]

And what about her thinking over the relationship because she doesn't lke the person you have become? What was her decision about that?

[gatoruf]

And what about her thinking over the relationship because she doesn't lke the person you have become? What was her decision about that?

 

I took control over that. I'm not a push over guy, I know who I am and I don't let other people tell me.

 

I told her that honestly I am the one that should be doing the thinking, because she doesn't understand how her actions have changed me into a very defensive person.

 

She took it to heart and told her ex boyfriend with me sitting next to her.

 

Problem solved, even though she is a tad upset, only because she is scared to lose him as a friend.

 

I told her that if he was really her friend he wouldn't care and he will get over her in time, and not to worry about his emotions so much because it is affecting our relationship.

 

So we're slowly healing, but it has only been one day.

[gatoruf]

Here's an update for everyone:

 

My girlfriend is still talking to her ex-boyfriend, but she has told him about our relationship and that she thinks it's a good time to start seeing other people.

 

But something still bothers me. The day she told him she cried a ton. And to this day it still seems like she is apprehensive to talk about me when they're texting each other. It gets really annoying. Even though he knows about me, it seems like she is still reluctant to talk about me. I don't want whole conversations but when he asks what she's doing it would be nice if she would at least reply with a "I'm spending time with ****" or something a long those lines.

 

She went home and now she has hung out with her ex 2 times this week, and she has drove up here to see me once before she leaves the country for 6 weeks. I'm driving to her home town on Sat to see her once more before she leaves.

 

She told me by telling her ex about me, she feels like she is just bowing to my controlling personality. Personally I don't think it is very controlling of me, but now, I'm nervous to tell her that her hanging out with her ex bothers me.

[Sheba]

I'm sorry, but I would be tempted to - loudly - say, "Come back to bed, baby, let's finish this before I go to sleep" whilst she's on the phone to him. That'll sort things one way or another.

[DN]

I think it is clear that she is still very attached emotionally to her ex and perhaps more - I would just walk away because you can't have a proper relationship with someone so attached.

[gatoruf]

I'm sorry, but I would be tempted to - loudly - say, "Come back to bed, baby, let's finish this before I go to sleep" whilst she's on the phone to him. That'll sort things one way or another.

 

Haha, god, how funny that would be.

 

I've made attempts to be loud on the phone while she is talking to him just so he knows I'm there. She always answers my questions in silence because "she doesn't want to be rude to him"

 

Gotta love the constant drama in relationships.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi there,

 

Reading over your thread, I don't really have a lot of hope for your relationship. It's tough when you start out at the guy she cheated on her ex with emotionally and then she jumped from that relationship to you. She's clearly vacillating between you and the ex right now, and in the long run I don't think she actually wants either of you. I don't doubt that she'll try to stick it out with you for a while, but I think there is a real transfer of feelings here from her ex to you.

 

I know you are reluctant to take internet advice, just be ware that she'll likely start pulling away until she's gone sooner or later.