Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Today is my 15th wedding anniversary and I really do not want to celebrate it,it seems pretty pointless. I am pretty frustrated with this marriage this past year, and it has been rocky for a lot of the 15 years. At this point I am not sure if I should cut my losses because we have some differences that have not been reconciled in the first 15 years.( we have been together for 20 years) I have spent half my life in this relationship and I am really not sure if I can hack anymore. I guess I am looking for reasons to stay or go, the pros and cons. Link to comment
rocio Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Are you still living together? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Are you still living together? Yes, and no. He has been away with the army for 3 years and he comes home some weekends. That is not even the major issue. I could take the time away. It is his attitude that really stinks. Link to comment
rocio Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I was just wondering because I know you mentioned before that you buy groceries for yourself and your son... Your children are old enough now that there's no point staying together for them. Would you be happier on your own? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Well my son is 11. So, yes he is old enough. It is the fact that he told me a few times recently that if I am not making the same money as him I am not contributing to the family. The only worthwhile contribution is monetary. This blew me away as I have worked every year we have been together save this one. Now I work part time. The thing IS who does he think will be looking after our son while I am working and he is not here???? Second, who is paying for it?? He is just NOT thinking and flipping off these statments and he does it all the time. I told him to not demean me in that fashion and he says sorry and does it again the next week. Link to comment
hers Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Wow vic I had no idea about this. I think the first thing to think about is your son. How would it affect him? Would it make much difference to him at this point since his father is already away so much? I certainly don't advocate staying together for the kids b/c sometimes that does more harm than good, but that's the biggest question on the table right now. In my mind at least. Link to comment
rocio Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I bet alot of it has to do with the fact that you're apart for such extended periods of time. I know when I'll be apart from my husband, I'll get a little idea in my mind and, instead of talking it through in a reasonable fashion with him, I'll ponder over it and let it fester to the point where I'm furious and unreasonable. That may be what's happening with your husband. He has every right to discuss your employment and work out a compromise with you that you can both feel comfortable with. But it seems like he's gotten himself so worked up over this issue that he's being insulting and unreasonable - a bad attitude, as you said. Does he have to be away so much? Before throwing in the towel, can he perhaps work closer to home? I know long distance relationships are a test of even the strongest marriages. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 No, he has no choice about where he is. The army tells you what to do and you do it. For now he is on course and can not leave where he is. He also wanted me to move TWO times this year. That is INSANE. I have a special needs child and would have no time to get his assistive technology set up etc. Yes, he does have a right to discuss my employement, for sure. The thing is he is wanting everyone else to pick up the slack of raising OUR child. For me to make what he does I would have to work outside this city and go like 70 KM away to the "big city" and pay for transportation. Buy a whole new wordrobe, get home AFTER the time my son comes home, so then I am paying for child care. Working is not the only consideration. He insists his son does all kinds of activities. I am here to take him to those activities and make sure the school work gets done. The child now gets A's. When I worked at a job I REALLY enjoyed before and got home late the poor kid got D's. Just explaining this all to him is pointless. I have always been my child's care giver with almost no input or help other than monetary from his father and we lived in the same dang house. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Wow vic I had no idea about this. I think the first thing to think about is your son. How would it affect him? Would it make much difference to him at this point since his father is already away so much? I certainly don't advocate staying together for the kids b/c sometimes that does more harm than good, but that's the biggest question on the table right now. In my mind at least. Yeah Hers, I really do not discuss it much on here. I am reaching critical mass with this though and something has to give. No, I would not stick together just for my son. It is not good for me or him. My son for sure would miss his father and be hurt. My husband is just SO beyond stubborn to the point of stupid about many things and I can not take it. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Well my son is 11. So, yes he is old enough. It is the fact that he told me a few times recently that if I am not making the same money as him I am not contributing to the family. The only worthwhile contribution is monetary. This blew me away as I have worked every year we have been together save this one. Now I work part time. The thing IS who does he think will be looking after our son while I am working and he is not here???? Second, who is paying for it?? He is just NOT thinking and flipping off these statments and he does it all the time. I told him to not demean me in that fashion and he says sorry and does it again the next week. I am surprised. I thought your marriage was rock solid. That is too bad he is like this. He goes off and you are dealing with all the things on the homefront, working, taking care of the house and taking care of your son, who, if I remember correctly has ADHD? I suppose you have reiterated over and over again all the things you do in the relationship. He is taking you for granted. What you might want to consider doing is doing some homework to make sure that if you choose to end the marriage you will be financially okay. Since he is often not around because of his job you might end up with full custody. How does your son get along with his father. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 I am surprised. I thought your marriage was rock solid. That is too bad he is like this. He goes off and you are dealing with all the things on the homefront, working, taking care of the house and taking care of your son, who, if I remember correctly has ADHD? I suppose you have reiterated over and over again all the things you do in the relationship. He is taking you for granted. What you might want to consider doing is doing some homework to make sure that if you choose to end the marriage you will be financially okay. Since he is often not around because of his job you might end up with full custody. How does your son get along with his father. I do not talk about it much on here CAD, I guess cause I felt it was disrespectful, BUT it is REALLY getting to me. Yes, my son has ADHD and OCD, ODD and a mild form of Autism and a hearing processing disorder. My husband wants me to work, handle everything at home, and do everything my son needs and pay attention to him when he is home too. More than one body can handle. And I do appreciate what he does believe me. I tell him that ALL the time. I appreciate he is away and working and I know he is lonely. The fact remains is HE picked it. I know financially it will be a circus if I go, but that may just have to be. My son and his father for the most part do not get on too well cause they are peas in a pod. My husband is silently "disappointed" his son has all these issues and is not seeing the wonderful child that is there. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Hey Victoria, Sorry you're feeling this way. A couple of thoughts.... Do you think he really MEANS what he says about the money, or do you think he's feeling other pressures & taking them out on you? People often have a tendency to project their own insecurities and frustrations at their partners. MAYBE he's lashing out at you, because of something that's going on with HIM. Not that it makes it ok, mind you, but if that WAS the problem, maybe there's something you can do together as a team to sort it out.... Also- what DOES he bring to the relationship? What does he contibute to your life, your family. It's human nature to focus on what's wrong, while forgetting what's right. Especially when what's wrong seems hurtful or neglectful. Are those things worth giving up? How do you see your life without marriage? If he's only home on the odd weekend, I agree, it might not impact your son as much, and financially, he'd be required to support you and your son, BUT the money the two of you make now, would have to be enough for 2 households, not just one. Would you be able to afford to stay where you live now, or would you have to move? In any event, you'd still need to work together and communicate via raising your son, so you'd still be involved in each others lives to some extent. So really, the only thing that would fundamentally change is that you'd each be free to pursue other romantic interests, and no longer be required to consider the others needs. Have you told him how you feel? Have the two of you discussed separation? Maybe he's on autopilot and not aware of your dissatisfaction. Maybe if he was.....I just don't think it's fair to suddenly tell a spouse "I'm miserable, I want out" when the other didn't even realize there was a problem. I've seen that happen and the blindsided spouses say "If I had known X was so unhappy, I've have worked harder..." I don't know. None of us do. Only you can weigh it out & decide if it's worth it to keep fighting to make it work, or if it's worth it to lose what you've built together. I do agree that a child is the biggest reason to try to make it work, but only if you can find a way to have a happy harmonious home. *sigh* This makes me sad... (((HUGS))) Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Think he really is frustrated about many things. He did not figure he would be away this long but then he made choices that ensured he was away longer. He is not the kind that can think something through to the conculsion. He never could even when he was young. I have known him since he was 19 and this year he will be 40. He makes rash decisions and then sits there later with a face like uh oh I made a boo boo. The problem is I run and fix it. I am the fix it man. Well I am TIRED of being the fix it man. I fix his mistakes, I fix my mistakes. I mean I feel I picked up where his parents left off. They fixed all his mistakes before I did. If I don't fix it my life goes down the tubes. So it is just blackmail to get me to do it. His major issue is he is lonely and wants me to make 2 moves this year. Well that is ludicrous with a learning disabled child and he does not care about that. This whole marriage he has been pretty high maintenance on his own needs. He is a good person do not get me wrong if you met him on the street you would think he was the greatest man alive. All smiles and sunshine. He is however at the core out to have his needs satisfied and SOMETIMES he will notice that other people have some. What he is bringing to this marriage other than money anymore a lot of the time I do not know. Looking after his son and paying attention to him?? Only when the kid makes a fuss. Paying attention to me?? Maybe when his head is not stuck in a book. He knows I am not a happy camper, but he is not exactly willing to do anything about it either. He says he is "too busy on course, and I give everything to you guys blah blah......." like he gets nothing in return. He is making life a competion not a co -operation. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sounds to me like you are both in a rut. You do what you believe you HAVE to do, and he's doing what he believes he has to do...But you're operating independantly, not as a team..... Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? From what you've said, this IS alterable. You BOTH need to decide that you're willing to re-prioritize somewhat, and work together for some compromises.... You can only control what you do, how you approach him, and how you respond to him If you want to open a dialogue with him, a really honest dialogue where you tell him how you really are feeling about things, can I suggest something? Take some time to consider what HE sees. I understand what you were saying about the move. Its uebercomplicated with your son. I get that. But to your husband, you have twice rejected the opportunity to be closer to HIM, to be more of a family together. If he is focused on his own needs first- well that would be a severe rejection. I'm not saying you should have done any differently, but you need to consider what that decision said to him. What you consider 'fixing' his life, he may consider micromanaging it. You may be creating extra work for yourself, and stress on your marriage, trying to 'fix' things for him, when he doesn't want, need, or expect you to fix. You say if you don't fix it- your life falls apart...Are you sure it will? Or will things just not go how you'd prefer them to.... I have a friend who is CONSTANTLY complaining about her husband. He's a decent guy, a great dad and a good provider. But EVERYTHING he does, he does 'wrong'; how he folds the towels, leaves dishes in the sink, makes a mess playing with the kids, doesn't finish his projects at home b/c he gets busy at work.....And it's all about little things that don't really matter....She's missing out on a great marriage, because she's trying SO hard to push him into being/doing EVERYTHING *HER*way...She wants the great marriage, but unless/until it's all on HER terms. complain, complain, complain..... Victoria, I am endlessly amazed at the focus, determination and dedication you put into your son. I think many here would agree with me that it's obvious he is your #1 priority, and I understand that as a mother, and especially with his various issues, this needs to be. But is it possible, that your hubby feels that he is completely unimportant to you? That you see him as the man who interferes with your responsibilities as a mother? I don't know this, so don't take it personally, please, I just wonder how much emotional energy you could possibly have left for your marriage, after investing so thoroughly in your son.... I am not making any assumptions about you, him or your marriage. So if I am way off base, please disregard. I'm just sharing my thoughts, hoping something may be of some help. My relationship timeline with DH mirrors yours, and we are pretty darn happy, so of course I'd like to see you there too.... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Thanks so much for taking time to care about me. You have been a great comfort. I know there are 2 sides to everything. And I am sure he would say things about me that would sound horrendous too. We have even tried counselling before and even the counsellor said he was one of the most selfish people he had ever encountered. From then on my husband would not go back. All I want from him is some respect for the things I do outstanding care of his child, making his career possible by keeping the home front running with few hitches. I want him to understand it is a partnership where everyone brings something to the table and it necessarily may not be the same. For him to understand it is a common goal we have, not a war to see if we can be the SAME and provide the SAME things. We have been hashing this since before we were married. For 20 years we have been hashing this and I am TIRED TIRED TIRED. How much of my life should I watch walk away???? I mean it is half over NOW. Link to comment
Circe Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Victoria, I am really, really, really sorry you are feeling this way and experiencing all this. From what you have said it doesn't look like your husband leaving the military to find a job that enables him to be more a part of the family is a possibility? At least then he wouldnt keep expecting you both to move so much to follow him and might see more clearly all the unapid work you do. Is it possible that you are also angry at him because you feel he doesn't accept and love you son the way you feel he should? Link to comment
rocio Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 It's easier to say than do but, from what you've written here, it sounds like you might be happier on your on. Having a 3rd party tell you he's that selfish is a pretty good indicator that the following 20 years may not be any better than the prior 20 years. Is it possible that you're staying with him for his sake and not yours? Are you afraid of what would become of him if you weren't there to hold him up? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 Victoria, I am really, really, really sorry you are feeling this way and experiencing all this. From what you have said it doesn't look like your husband leaving the military to find a job that enables him to be more a part of the family is a possibility? At least then he wouldnt keep expecting you both to move so much to follow him and might see more clearly all the unapid work you do. Is it possible that you are also angry at him because you feel he doesn't accept and love you son the way you feel he should? No, he will never leave the army. He was a reservist since he was 16 and did other jobs at home. Three years ago he signed on in the Regular Army and he said he is staying till he is 60 come hell or high water. He said it has been his dream since he was 16 and he is DOING IT. I told him I would not hold him back. I am sure he loves his son, does not APPRECIATE his son, that is more the story. He feels he SHOULD be this and he SHOULD be that instead of looking at who he is. That burns me no doubt. It burns me the most. The other part is how he treats me. He treats me like I am a piece of funiture or there to do his bidding. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 It's easier to say than do but, from what you've written here, it sounds like you might be happier on your on. Having a 3rd party tell you he's that selfish is a pretty good indicator that the following 20 years may not be any better than the prior 20 years. Is it possible that you're staying with him for his sake and not yours? Are you afraid of what would become of him if you weren't there to hold him up? What will become of him I am sure is not pretty. I have been his "mother" since we have been together. I have held him up in every major event in his entire life. I was there when he wanted to quit university. I was there when his mother got cancer. I was there when he had 3 nervous break downs. I have been there when he quit 15 jobs in 10 years. I was there when our other child died. I was there for his knee surgeries. His family has a very superficial relationship with him. I am truthfully his only friend in the world. He has aquaintances, but no person he can actually call a friend other than me and his sister. If I go his life will fall to pieces. Link to comment
Circe Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 You sound like an amazing person. You obviously deserve some happiness in your life - and if you are mentioning this now for the first time having held it all in all this time then what you are feeling right now must be extremely severe. Is it possible (financially and timewise) for you to see an IC to talk about this with? It might help - not necessarily to fix the marriage but to decide what's best for you and your son. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 I am resilliant and persistent if anything. I really do believe marriage should be forever, or I would have not lasted this long. It is not even really about his job or anything like that. It is ALL his attitude. I could live with illness, tragedy ANYTHING as long as his attitude was better.He really has to be less selfish. I know it is not just me. Counsellors have felt he was, other people think he is.....he has aquaintances that he uses to get what he wants and then he gone when he has what he wants. He was always told by his parents and I have heard them say it to this day......." Just worry about and look after yourself R........) I guess he learned that well. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Hey Victoria, I don't know what to say. Sounds very frustrating. In another thread I was recently involved in, someone mentioned that women are generally conditioned from a very early age to be prepared to put their needs on the back burner for the greater good (i.e. the children and/or family), whereas men are not instilled with this guilt, and don't feel that same push/pull that we do when it comes to fulfilling their own needs. In general, I think there is a lot of truth to this. The problem then becomes, that the pot on the back burner boils over..... Sounds like you and he are at the extreme outcome of this habit. You are forever putting yourself LAST and he is forever putting himself FIRST. And understandably, your bitterness is growing.... Does he recognize this in himself? Does he realize that you're burned out? Maybe, what you need to do here, is be a *little* selfish for the greater good. Figure out something that YOU need to do for YOU, and make the decision that you ARE going to do it, and not sacrifice it for him, for your son, for anyone. If you take some time for yourself, on a regular basis, without guilt, you may be able to tolerate his selfishness a little easier.Tell him that you need to do "x" for yourself- take a class, go to the gym, go for coffee with friends- whatever you do to decompress. Tell him you need him to take your son for x hours on the weekends he is home so you can do this. Get his committment. Then when it's time for you to go, and he starts to backpeddle- IGNORE HIM. Kiss him on the cheek and say "I'll be back at 3:00" and GO. He is not "babysitting" he is parenting... You need to take care of yourself, so you can take care of everyone else. BUT- when you get back- make a fuss about how great you feel- how nice it was to get out. and THANK him. he may not thank you for all that you do, but wouldn't it be nice if he did? So TAKE what you need for you without guilt, but respond with gratitude as though it's a gift. Praise and appreciation feeds the ego of the selfish too... I think you also could benefit from a few 'date nights'. Is there anyone who can watch your son so the two of you can go out and do something you enjoy together... If your marriage survives, someday, your son will grow up and leave- then you will only have each other...You need to find some ways to reconnect... I hope some of this helps. I hope it's not too late for you. Hang in there.... Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Also...just to say what I always say... You cannot control what he does, or his outlook on life. You know this. You cannot change him, and all the world telling you that you're right and he's selfish won't change a single thing, except to feed your own bitterness as you're told over and over that you're right and he's wrong. It doesn't matter. It's up to him to decide if he wants to change. If he doesn't, no amount of pleading, or threatening will change it...He has to see for himself that it's in HIS best interest to change, and want to do it... All you can control is your reaction to it. So you need to consider, what you need to do to make it tolerable for yourself. Which is why I suggested the above. But you know all this. You're a smart lady. If nothing else, you're at least getting to vent here.... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 This is definitely the state of affairs. I ALWAYS put myself last in absolutely every case. This is where I am guilty. I definitely need to step up and "get a life" as they say. I am just going to have to do this and to heck with everyone else. CAUSE I MATTER TOO! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 So, true I can not control a thing he does or what he believes. If he wants to appreciate me he will. If he does not want to he wont. You can better believe I AM going to start appreciating me. Link to comment
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