Advice on pregnancy manipulation

[Terry100]

Hi,

 

This is my first post on here and I really need some advice.

 

I've been seeing my girlfriend for about a year. After about the first 8 months she suggested we stopped using any protection with sex as she's got pre existing medical problems that she told me would make it impossible for her to have children even though I know she really, really wanted them. I know it's true that she's got this medical condition as she's had to have operations for it before. We'd never really spoken about having kids.

I then noticed about 2 months later she'd downloaded a program on her computer to predict the time that she's ovulating to pin point the best time to have sex in order to concieve. I confronted her about this and she denied all knowledge of how it got there and got massively defensive, saying I was calling her a liar. I mentally noted the times of the month the program said we should be having sex, just in case.

Since we'd been going out, it was nearly always me who had initiated sex, but now I noticed she was doing it once in a while which I thought was weird. Sure enough, it turned out she was trying to initiate sex only on the days she was meant to be ovulating. I made up excuses as to not have sex for the first month until I could figure out what to do.

The next month passed and she didn't try to have sex with me once until, you got it, the time of the month she was ovulating. I made up excuses again, unsure of what to do about the situation. It had me really freaked that my girlfriend was trying to get pregnant off me without me knowing and just how low, selfish and devious she was being. I shouldn't have snooped but I'd seen on pregnancy forums she'd been posting saying she was trying to concieve etc.

Because she didn't manage to have sex with me at time of ovulation for 2 months in a row, she bought it up later that day that she really wanted to try for kids because she had started ovulating again and apparently she hadn't been before. I told her I knew what she'd been doing and at first she did everything she could to deny it until she realised the evidence against her was way too much. I was still in shock and felt massively hurt and betrayed from what she'd done and I still do.

She then said she really wanted to try for kids because she was ovulating again and that we had to try that day as she didn't know if she would ever ovulate again. So basically, put a real 'now or never' situation on me. I said I didn't want to right now because I couldn't trust her now and because she hadn't exactly been giving the impression that she was that into me all the time we'd been together. I said if she can prove that she's really into me and I can regain some of that trust, then maybe we could try in a few months. She said that was fine but that if she never ovulates again, she could end up resenting me that I'd denied her her one chance of having a kid. So basically it all sounded like if we didn't try there and then, she'd break up with me soon after.

She was also saying that the chances of her concieving were near impossible too because of her medical problems.

I really didn't know what to do. I was put on the spot of making one of the important decisions of my life. I wanted kids but not under these kind of circumstances and where we could actually sit and talk about it properly as a couple.

 

So to cut a long story short, I said I'd go along with it. I kind of naively thought the chances of her getting pregnant are so slim from what she said that it probably wouldn't happen and in the mean time I'd get to see if she had changed her tune and proved she was trustworthy again.

 

So, 2 weeks later she takes a pregnancy test and it's positive. I'm in total shock!! She's obviosuly super happy as she got what she wanted straight away.

 

I really don't know what to do. I do still love her after everything but I'm just totally resentful of her with everything she's done and don't know how much I can trust her. I've tried getting over it but it's so hard. I feel like I've been tricked and manipulated into getting her pregnant and that she doesn't really care about my feelings and what I think. It's just constantly been about her. I think she loves me but I've also got a sneaky little paranoid niggle that I could be just getting used to have a kid. She needs me around for financial support too.

 

Even though I don't feel totally ready for kids, I now don't have a choice and so I want to do the right thing for the baby. I want to work things out with my girlfriend, but I really don't know if I'll ever be able to get over what she did in trying to get pregnant from me without my knowledge and then kind of manipulating me into getting her pregnant when I made it clear I wasn't ready. I know in the end it takes two to tango but I still think she took advantage of things.

 

Any advice please would be massively appreciated!!

 

Thanks!!

[Scorpion Fury]

End it. Now. Huge dealbreaker. She is selfish and manipulative. I could never do that to anyone or allow it to be done to me. You can still be there for the baby.

 

Edit: After re-reading this, she is still selfish and manipulative, but you are not innocent here either. She lied, but you still "went along with it", and now you're going to be a father. I'd think twice about wanting to be with her though.

[DJBaby]

It's pretty effed up... interesting how she manipulated you by saying that she would feel resentful if you didn't get her pregnant RIGHT NOW, but she didn't think about you feeling resentful because of the manipulation... because it was.

 

And I don't get how she thinks this is the very last time she'll ovulate. Sounds like more manipulation to me...

[Anna.]

What she did was bad, but then again, the sex that got her pregnant was consensual and you knew what you were doing, even if she pressured you into it.

 

She was definitely wrong for what she did, though. I almost can see her logic, and I know I'll get crucified for saying all this, but if they told me I only had a short time to have a baby and it was now or never, I'd have a baby, period. I'd hope I had a consenting partner or that if not I would go to a sperm bank, but the desire to be a mother is ridiculously strong, and I honestly can't say what I would do in that situation. But I completely agree it is absolutely immoral to trick/coerce someone into trying to get pregnant.

 

BUT now that she is pregnant, she is going to be the mother of your child for the rest of your life. I just hope you don't resent the baby for it and I actually hope you can work it out with her. BTW, how old are you and is she?

[Scorpion Fury]

I have never heard of a doctor telling a woman "You will only ovulate this month, and then never again."

[DJBaby]

I have never heard of a doctor telling a woman "You will only ovulate this month, and then never again."

 

Totally agree with this...

[Anna.]

I have never heard of a doctor telling a woman "You will only ovulate this month, and then never again."

 

Nor have I, BUT I did have a friend (who was married) that had endemetriosis who had been put through something like synthetic menopause when we were in high school but brought out of it. Then about a year and a half ago they told her if she wanted a baby, she'd better try immediately b/c of the endemetriosis, which she did and now has a child. So I know some women do only have a short window of opportunity to have children in.

[Sn0man]

You were totally manipulated. Now you're stuck. Not sure what to tell you.

[DJBaby]

Nor have I, BUT I did have a friend (who was married) that had endemetriosis who had been put through something like synthetic menopause when we were in high school but brought out of it. Then about a year and a half ago they told her if she wanted a baby, she'd better try immediately b/c of the endemetriosis, which she did and now has a child. So I know some women do only have a short window of opportunity to have children in.

 

Yeah, but according to the OP, the excuse was that she might never ovulate again...

 

Eh?

[Anna.]

Maybe the OP can explain better her medical condition

[amtjrtcet]

Oh my! Wow....its almost unbelieveable that one person could be sooo selfish. To try and trick you into having a baby, gettin caught and then guilting you into having a baby!!???? I don't even know what to say. I'm not letting you off the hook completely here, I mean you should have stood your ground and just said no. Since you gave in its partially your fault. You can't just blame her. But I'd be very very leary of staying with her....a woman that is capable of that is capable of anything.

[amtjrtcet]

You were totally manipulated. Now you're stuck. Not sure what to tell you.

 

not totally, he agreed to it. This isn't something you just cave and go 'oh, ok'. But yeah he's stuck for about 18 yrs at least

[nutbrownhare]

Anna Raeburn, a well-known agony aunt in the UK around 20 years ago, used to say that women getting pregnant deliberately without their partner's consent was 'the way that women rape men' - what she was referring to was the abuse of sexual power.

 

I wouldn't want anything to do with someone this deceitful, untrustworthy and manipulative - regardless of the baby. She may have had only a small window of opportunity in which to conceive, but that's hardly your fault. I'm sceptical - very sceptical - about these assertions of hers, but let's suppose they're true.

 

You state: 'if she never ovulates again, she could end up resenting me that I'd denied her her one chance of having a kid' - this is total rubbish. Sure, she could end up resenting you - as you weren't falling in with what SHE wanted to do regardless of your own feelings. Again, if she never ovulates again, that's hardly your fault. What if she hadn't been in a relationship in the first place?

[PoisonIvy]

Oh my. Well, what's done is done, and unless she has a miscarriage or an abortion, or is willing to put the baby up for adoption (the second and last of which I doubt, given the circumstances), you are stuck for at least 18 years, my dear. Not necessarily with her, but in your baby's life.

 

The point at which you should have called in a couples' counselor or mediator was when you found the ovulation software on her computer. I would still recommend it, as you say you still love her but don't trust her (with good reason, I might add).

 

She was manipulative, and wrong in what she did, but you should not have gone along with it, hoping that she wouldn't get pregnant and would 'change her tune', as you put it. How old are you both, if I may ask?

[lavenderdove]

She was extremely manipulative and dishonest, but once you knew about this and still slept with her, you signed up for this. Having a baby is ALWAYS a possibility/probability when having unprotected sex.

 

So first you have to agree that you bear some responsibility for this because you knew she was trying to get pregnant and still had sex with her. It's too late to say you should have avoided it now, but it is not to late to accept that you signed up for this, which you did. You may have been HOPING she wouldn't get pregnant, and she was HOPING she would, but you did willingly have sex with her after you knew her agenda.

 

So the next step is, do you love her enough to try to be a couple? If you do, then get some counseling to work thru your negative feelings. If you don't love her enough to think of her as a permanent partner, then break up with her, but of course you will still have to pay child support and co-parent with her, so best to stay on good terms with her as you can.

[Sn0man]

not totally, he agreed to it. This isn't something you just cave and go 'oh, ok'. But yeah he's stuck for about 18 yrs at least

Yes totally - as after she tried to manipulate him into getting her pregnant without knowing, she then manipulated him into getting her pregnant by saying she may never be able to get pregnant again. Totally, totally manipulated.

 

This woman scares the hell outta me. I still don't know what to tell you OP - you're kinda screwed.

[thatdoggirl]

I think it was a bad decision your part for going along with it when you didn't feel comfortable with it and were pressured into it by her. However, it was downright low of her to manipulate you like that and talk you into having sex with her for a baby by trying to make you feel bad. She should have told you how she felt about wanting a baby in the first place, not making up excuses about her condition. Yes.. she could very likely have a condition that makes her chances of pregnancy low but manipulating someone out of protected sex and manipulating them to try for a baby even when she knows how you feel is not right at all and is very selfish on her part.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time for your decision because we all make mistakes and sometimes are pressured into things even when it isn't right but there are responsibilities involved... now you have to be there financially to support your baby. But it's your choice if you stay in the relationship or not. The trust there has been broken and she is showing you that she clearly does not care how you feel. I don't think she is demonstrating her love for you very well since all her concern seems to be is having a baby no matter what. If you can't deal with that, I don't blame you, and suggest that it would probably be best for you to leave her.

[Terry100]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and opinions. It's a big relief as I haven't been able to tell any friends etc for advice because I know they'd end up hating her which will just make things 10 times harder for us if we were to try and make a go of it.

To answer a couple of the questions....

We're both in our early 30's.

She's got quite severe endomitriosis. She's already had about 3 op's for it so the chances of her getting pregnant were very low. She said she's read up loads on it and it's something like 2% which I did read up on later on and it wasn't far from the truth. Amazing that she then got pregnant from the first time we actually tried!

With the not ovulating again, she said that she'd stopped ovulating for about 4-5 months beforehand that she thought was probably linked to the endomitriosis. I don't know enough about this kind of thing to know if this is the truth or another lie unfortunately. Then she just started ovulating again out of the blue. She thought that because it had stopped before it could realistically happen again, hence if it did, I would have denied her her last chance of having children.

I know she is/was very obsessed with having children and the thought of not being able to have a baby due to the endomitriosis was heartbreaking for her. Also, we're at that age where all of her friends all suddenly seemed to be getting pregnant which I imagine was tough for her.

I'm not trying to make excuses for her. I'm just trying my best to understand where she was coming from as I think that may be one of the only ways I'll be able to forgive her. I think that she'd become so obsessed about having a baby/not being able to have a baby, that her idea of what was right and wrong with how to go about it became scarily blured! I might add that just after we got together, she mentioned how keen she was for kids and that if she wasn't with anyone soon, she planned just to go out and have lots of one night stands on the hope getting pregnant. This scared the hell out of me at the time and I came very close to dumping her there and then. In hindsight that would've been for the best probably.

I do take everyone's point about me being responsible too. I know that this was not all her and I consented to it in the end. When she bought it all up though and I busted her, she was incredibly upset (like I'd never seen before) and I could tell it was breaking her heart that I was saying I didn't want to try for kids yet because of what she'd done. I hated seeing her like that. Also, it was like a full on spot decision, like she was ovulating that day so needed to try. I said she was putting me in an impossible position and that we needed more time after what she'd done and that's when she said she could end up resenting me if we didn't. She says she was just trying to be honest to me. Seems honesty is fine with her when it works in her favour.

 

It's not much but I should also add, that we are currently out of our country and we'd bought a house abroad which I had ALL of my money invested in and she had nothing invested. The plan was to renovate it as an investment. This all came about about half way through the project. I knew at the time that if I said no to trying to concieve, her implying we may then have no future would mean she would go home. If this happened it would've put the whole renovation project in jeopardy because I needed her there to help and hence all my life savings could be in trouble.

 

I would consider going to a counsellor but I'm pretty sure she'd instantly hate the idea and wouldn't agree.

 

I did try to talk to her about how I felt about it all and straight away she just says that maybe we should call it a day then if I feel like that. That to me doesn't sound like the best way to go about sorting problems out when a baby is involved.

 

I just don't know what to do. When this isn't on my mind we get on great most of the time and I think we could have a great future, as a family now. However, it is just SO hard trying to get it out my mind. I'll have a few days when it's all fine and then it pops in my mind out of nowhere and I feel like I go back 3 spaces. It's only been about 3 weeks since we found out so I'm hoping it might change with time.

 

Thanks again guys, it's really helpful just being able to get a lot of this out my system and get other peoples opinions.

[DJBaby]

Hmmm...

 

Makes me wonder if she wasn't so baby-obsessed because she wanted what she couldn't have. That's the way it sounds when you describe it.

 

Also, OP, you really need to put your foot down in some areas. You're acting like a doormat. First the manipulation into her pregnancy, and now you're saying you don't even want to bring up counseling because she would hate the idea?

 

Grow an effing backbone man!!!!!!

[DJBaby]

Also, it's starting to seem like you are simply a donator of sperm.

 

I don't think she really cares if there's a real baby-daddy or not...

[laisla]

Amazing that she then got pregnant from the first time we actually tried!

 

wait, you knew you were trying to conceive?

[Sn0man]

You really need to sit her down and talk to her. She needs to know that you know you were manipulated, that you dissaprove, that you won't put up with that sort of behavior again. You said you tried already to talk to her, and she shut you down. Don't let her shut you down again - she needs to know that even though her situation is (may be) unique, she can't do that sort of thing if she wants you to stick around.

 

I'd just make it clear to her how you feel about this situation. Even if she doesn't want to talk about it (which she won't, because she's guilty as sin), you need to let her know that you have to.

[DaBladeRoden]

hrmm, so her biological clock was burning so badly that she told you she would cheat on you in order to get pregnant. wow. You should have come to us a lot sooner.

[yellow_sweater]

Dude, this is what sperm banks are for. Because that's essentially how she's used you. Oh, that and an ATM, as you mentioned that she depends on you financially.

 

Are you 100% sure if she's pregnant? If not, dump her IMMEDIATELY. If she is (and a doctor has confirmed as much), I strongly recommend individual or couples counseling. How are you going to feel when you look at that baby and know, "I didn't want you, and you're only here because your mother is manipulative?" That's a burden a kid--and you--shouldn't bear.

[LittleLion24]

A relationship that starts on a lie will end on a lie.