Extremely jealous, but I want to change!!

[Sooz]

I'm an extremely jealous person, but I hate being like this. I've been married now for six months to this sweet and affectionate guy, who was my boyfriend for many years, and my best friend before that, so I can say that we are pretty close and have a great relationship. But I have a really big issue, my jealousy.

I didn't use to be like that, I was always very self confident, never knew what jealousy was until I put up a few pounds and started to get very self-conscious. Then I started feeling jealous about my boyfriend's gal friends, or if he turned 180 to look at a pretty girl, or if he talked about a hot girl in his class (we were pretty open about this stuff).

Somehow this things didn't bother me at all before, and I felt stupid getting angry at him for this things, so I decided to work things out by myself, that's why he wasn't aware for a while of my feelings. Huge mistake, not only I couldn't get rid of the feeling, but it got worse. I found out my boyfriend was watching porn movies, was frecuently visiting porn sites, playing PC porn games and going to strip clubs. Nothing to be worried about right? I mean, it's only natural for a guy to do that stuff, it wasn't his fault, but why was I feeling so angry, so jealous?? There were nights I couldn't sleep imagining him with other girls or him masturbating while watching porn. It was insane, it was torture and my self-esteem was going down very quickly. I even got jealous like crazy if he went to hooters for crying out loud!!!

Then he noticed something was wrong with me, but I avoided the subject, because I didn't want to give him a hard time. I knew I was wrong, so why bother him with that?

But then everything got unbearable to me, so I talked to him and told him how I felt. He thought I was overeacting, he couldn't understand how things like that could make me feel like crap, so he just started to do the same things this time hiding it from me, instead of working something together.

Sometimes people don't realize how painful is to be paranoid all the time, be jealous of everyone. I have a problem, I admit it, and I want to change, just need a hand you know? It's very difficult to go trough this alone. If only he could understand I'm not judging him or asking him to change, just trying to stop hurting myself.

That's why I signed up, I want to get help, see if someone has been in a similar situation, how they handled it, and if there's a solution.

I wish I could overcome my jealousy because is the only thing that's keeping me from being completely happy with my husband.

[littlefeet]

Have you tried talking to a counselor about it? If your unfounded jealousy really is the only thing wrong in the relationship, anf you feel unable to consider other ways of dealing with the situation, maybe professional help can give you some specific ways of adjusting your reactions and perspective.

 

That said, I am a fairly open-minded woman, but I do expect a lot of my partner's sex life to be in the relationship. . . and hope that less of it will be from fantasy sources. Are your jealous reactions and/or worries about your body, etc., affecting your sex life? Maybe he is also "overreacting". Even if you aren't too turned on by the idea, you might ask him to go along to the strip club. . . or to watch porn with you. . . maybe you get my drift here. Participate in that part of his life, see that it's nothing special, and give him some of the real thing . Someone has to turn this cycle of getting jealous/taking offense/acting out around, if possible--so go for it.

 

You won't even believe yourself if you tell him his actions haven't bothered you, because they have. Looking at this in a different way might help both of you to remember that communicating and loving each other is the real issue, rather than your jealousy and his frustration.

[bimmer]

Well... the first thing I can say about this is it isn't all your fault...

 

When I hit that line about you telling your husband, I felt that was a good relief till he didn't want to come to a solution with you. Perhaps you have to tell him more of what you feel? The fact is that you're paranoid and that you fear that it's going to get worst. And see his reaction then.

 

I know jealousy is a natural thing, but you just got to try to relax. I know I don't enjoy my gf talking or shopping with other guys but it means nothing. I can't take her social life away from her...

 

Anyways, apart from his bad cooperation you just have to do your best and try to cope with your feelings a bit and realize that it may mean nothing.. if it gets worst, you HAVE to tell him that it's going to become serious and it's taking a big effect on your life.

[Baby_doll]

Oh my God Sooz!

 

You are in exactly the same situation that I was in for four years. I never thought that I would read a passage written by someone else that would exactly mirror something that has happened to me. Everything you have written is accurate to my life!

 

I had a boyfriend for four years that used to look at other women, look at porn all the time...i used to cry myself to sleep almost every night and like you, I thought that it was just me being pathetic. I too, am a jealous person, and hate being jealous. However, unlike you, I decided not to stay with my boyfriend and left him in January. You see, I used to think that it was my problem...I used to think " why do i have such a hang-up when he looks at other women and at porn?" -but then, I realised that if I was really in such a great and trustworthy relationship then my partner would love and respect me and wouldn't allow me, or put me in the position of feeling jealous. I have the opinion that when you're in a relationship, you should honour and want to be with that person so much. I don't think that it's acceptable for a person to be using porn on their own within a relationship(-No! It's not just "one of those things that men do"-as some of the losers in my past have tried to tell me!) I say on their own, because I fully accept that people within some relationships choose to partake in things like that, which is fine! But, when one person is sat alone with that kind of stuff, then I think that there is something missing from the relationship or something that needs sorting out.

 

I am so annoyed that my boyfriend turned me into a snivelling, pathetic wreck, completely consumed by feelings of jealousy and hurt. He made me feel like it was my fault along-he ALLOWED me to feel like it was my problem, but now I realise that it was his problem-and he has admitted this too. In February, I met this fantastic guy, who has since transformed my life and has helped me to start rebuilding my trust, confidence and to help finally rid myself of my insecurities....it will take time, but it will happen. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy to be away from those feelings of insecurity and doubt.

 

I don't really know what to say about your situation...you are married, which is different to being with a boyfriend obviously! But, it puzzles me as to why you married him if he makes you feel this way? I understand that you seem to love him, but sometimes love is just not enough in my opinion. I think that you need to stop feeling like you have some major "problem" and realise that maybe there is a deeper issue present. Insecurity and jealousy are horrible emotions, but they will always be present if you surround yourself with people that allow you to feel and think in that way.

 

Sooz, reading your post reminded me so much of me...if you want to talk sometime, I would be interested in hearing from you. I know exactly how you are feeling...which isn't good...but I hope that you can find a way to resolve your problem.

[Sooz]

Hi everyone, and thank you for all the advice! It really feels much better just to get it out of my system. I wanted to talk to someone about this issue for a long time, but the fact that I felt embarrased about it, stopped me of doing so. Luckily I found this site!

I've considered all the comments and I've come to realize that is not only my problem, if it takes two to have a relationship then it takes two to work out the problems! I feel that at this moment it's a heavy burden to carry all by myself, so I should ask him to help me find a solution. Of course this means putting a little effort of his part.

I know it is very easy to say but I'm so sensitive about this topic that I find it very hard to even talk about it.

I don't expect to overcome this right away, but at least now I don't feel hopeless.

So thank you all for your help!

[Nayeli]

i am going through the exact same thing also. it constantly eats away at me and sometimes prevents me from functioning normally. Baby_doll, i have thought that maybe it is just something about this relationship or him that is making me feel this way, but do you think there is anything that could be done without ending the relationship??

[Baby_doll]

Hi Nayeli!

 

I'm not saying that everyone should end their relationships if they're in the same situation. I think that yuo have to think really hard about your position and weigh up the pros and cons.

 

In my case, I thought about what my ex was actually doing to me and how that reflected what he felt. I think that you have to steer away from feeling like you are the root of the problem...I spent ages thinking that I was the problem, but now I realise that I wasn't. I think that you have to take a long hard look at a relationship and ask yourself why you are in it. The word love can be a very loose and overused term..sometimes 'love' is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. I just got to the point where I was a shadow of my former self and I didn't know why I was allowing myself to be treated in the way that I was being treated. For me, it was a form of abuse that was mentally torturing me and I just wanted to be rid of it.

 

You said that you're in a similar situation yourself, but wondered if there's any way of doing something other than ending it. Well, ask yourself why you don't want to end it, but why you still appear to have doubts about your relationship. If you can't think of why you wanna be in it, then you're really not in it for the right reasons.

 

Baby_doll

[missie]

Hello everybody

 

I know exactly how you girls feel. I have the same problem. My ex boyfriend has been cheating on me, and was really horrible. Everybody was cuter and better than me, he didn't want me to eat, because he thought I was to fat, ... First I was really weak, and I believed him. So I thought it was my fault when he looked at other girls. And yes of course I was very jealous, but still I thought it was my fault... One day I really couldn't live like that anymore, and I went to a councellor, who showed me he was the bad one. So finally, I broke up the relationship.

 

That was 2 years ago. Three months ago, I met a really great guy. Only problem, he lives far away from me, so I see him twice a month. He is really great and has a lot of friends, most of them girls. He also likes talking over msn, with different girls from different countries.

And there is no problem with that, because I have a lot of male friends to, and chat with them very much.

But I am soooo afraid to loose him. I think that other girls are cuter, smarter, nicer, ... than me. I know it has a lot to do with my ex. And I am sure my boyfriend isn't like that, but still. I can't help it. I am always worrying about what could happen, and how I would feel if I loose him, instead of being happy with what is happening.

And of course for him I am starting to be a bit of a pain in the ass, because if I say something about it, he says I don't trust him. But I do, I am only so afraid to loose him. And I know that I give him the impression that I don't trust him. And I understand he hates it. I would hate it too.

He kind of understands how I feel, but it hurts him that I compare him with my ex. And after the little fights we have, I feel really stupid and guilty. because I know he loves me, and he thinks I am the most beautiful girl for him (or at least almost).

 

So, since this is really screwing up our relationship, I decided to go to my counsellor again. She knows how I felt with my ex, and I hope she can give me some advice. Next week I will see her, so lets cross our fingers that I will get rid of my jealousy.

 

And to the ones who finished their relationship because of their jealousy, just think about this. Do you think it won't come back it you are with someone else? Because all men like watching beautiful women, all men have friends, male and female. I think it is best to try to get rid of the jealousy instead of the man...

 

Greetz

 

Lien

[Baby_doll]

Hi!

 

Being one of the girls that ended their relationship, thought I had better reply! Yes, I ended my relationship and of course, when I started my new relationship, I was very weary of all the old stuff happening. When you said that we should stop the jealousy rather than end the relationship, well, you have to understand that in my case, the only reason for my increasing jealousy was the person I was with! Yes, I understand that there are always going to be beautiful women and men and that my new guy will talk to women too, but I'm really not worried-because he demonstrates to me that he really cares about me and that hes not interested in anyone else-unlike my ex. When you say that beautiful women are always gonna be there, etc, you really make it sound like you're saying that we should all expect this kind of behaviour eventually from our men! I think this is quite a sad way of looking at things...I think one of our biggest problems as women is that we tend to get emotionally walked over and then think that every other man is the same...I don't think that this is the case. In fact, I KNOW this isn't the case. I have had a real problem trying to heal the scars that my ex gave me and one of the things that I do is try to think positively about things and not treat my new guy as if he is my ex...

I genuinely believe that the root of jealousy is a deep down self image problem...i've seen people writing down that their partner thinks that they're beautiful but they really don't believe that they are beautiful-this is how I often think. Because I think that it's a self image problem, I'm not going to focus negatively on my new relationship, or start harassing my new guy with jealousy, I'm gonna take a look at myself and identify why I don't like myself and why this makes me jealous..

[Sooz]

Hi girls! I agree that most of the times jealousy is caused by a poor self-image. I don't consider myself an ugly girl, but the problem starts when I compare myself to the models my husband finds attractive. I start thinking how can he possibly find me attractive when there are so many hot women around! I tend to torture myself this way...I know is wrong, but I can't help it.

I want to lose weight, but I'm one of those people who eat incontrollably when sad or stressed...My husband on the contrary has a great body!! He eats a lot and doesn't excercise like he used to and still he doesn't get any fatter! what is it with men grrrr

Anyway, I know my husband shouldn't be watching porn, but still I wish I could stop feeling lower than most girls.

Thanks you guys!! you've been of great help, I feel hopeful again!!

[missie]

Hi Baby doll,

 

I know you are right, and not all men are the same. And yes the problem is a low self image. Every woman I see has something that is better than me... And this is a problem I have since I was a child... Everybody used to tell that I was ugly and so on, and I really believed it, and if my boyfriend tells me know that I am beautiful, I really can´t understand it. I really am so stupid that I think he is flirting around with everybody, and I am also jealous of his past, but I guess that is because he doesn´t want to say a thing about it. And of course that makes me very suspicious... Sometimes I start controlling him and on that moment I think it is bad, but I just can´t stop it, and afterworths I feel really guilty and angry with myself because I let the jealousy win. It is a real struggle for me. And the big problem is that I can´t talk about it with my boyfriend, because then he gets angry... So I really have no idea what to do. I hope a counsellor can help me, because I don´t want to ruin this relationship because of those bad thoughts...

 

Well, if there are people who would like to talk, and of course not only about bad things in life... you can add me to your msn list, I am always happy to meet new people.

 

Greetz

 

Lien (from Belgium)

[Wonder_Woman78]

Sooz...I'm in the exact situation you are in. I used to be okay with men watching porn or going to strip clubs, but not anymore. Your story really hit home. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is doing the exact same things. When we first started dating I went with him to a strip club and it didn't seem to be that big of a deal. However, I began to notice that every time he went to a bachlor party at a strip club he couldn't just watch. He had to get a lap dance or table dance, anyway...participate. Then, one weekend he left and went to his brother's house, which is 4 hours away, to think about our relationship. We were really going through a tuff time. When he returned I found out they had gone to a strip club that weekend and he spent $100! I was furious. Since then, he hasn't gone to any lately. However, he has been watching movies and getting on the internet, which really bothers me. At first I tried the whole "boys will be boys", but not anymore. I'm sick of it and he knows it. This has effected my self-esteem greatly. I no longer see myself as attractive and I catch myself wondering why he's even with me. I feel like I can't measure up to those images that he so desperately needs. He tells me that just because he likes to look at them doesn't in any way mean that he's not attracted to me. Yeah, whatever. It has gotten so bad that when I found out that he has had the hots for Carmen Electra I try and destroy every image of her. This has come to haunt me. Instead of realizing that everything he sees with her face (and body) plastered all over it is only a 2 dimensional figure, I go into a jealous rage. I really really dislike this person and everything she stands for now, all because I don't feel like I can measure up to her (or at least his idea of her).

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are definetly not alone. I'm fighting a mental battle right now, one which I refuse to lose. My mom once told me to fight fire with fire. She said she caught my father looking at naked pictures of women once so she went out and got naked pictures of men and made sure he knew she was looking at them. At first he just laughed, but then she said he realized what was going on and from then on respected her. I think I might try that. I'm definetly not going to sit back and let him dictate how I feel about myself. I was a whole person before I met him and I will continue to be so. So, if you come accross a way to get rid of your jealousy let me know. I suppose since we are both in the same boat (sort of) that we could probably help each other out. Just remember, he doesn't define who you are. You define who you are.

[Baby_doll]

Wow guys....

 

I never realised that SO many women go through this, I thought I was totally alone-but here you all are, going through the same situation! I know exactly how you feel with the Carmen Electra thing! I have been through the same thing with Britney Spears and Catherine Zeta Jones! I now hate both their guts! it makes me really happy to know that I'm not totally insane in thinking the way that I do!

[Sooz]

Ok, what about Victoria's secret models?? My husband has this thing with one of them, even downloaded a screensaver that included some slides of her naked...I was so depressed for entire days!! (Good thing he got the hint and erased it)

I hate when we walk in front of a Victoria's store because he'll always be looking at the pictures inside and won't turn his head until we have passed it. I hate the tv commercials, the catalogs, the whole skinny-sexy-lingerie-thing...

Sometimes I find myself wishing they get fat...He he I guess I'm not insane!!

[missie]

Hi girls

 

Well, I have to tell, I could get jealous of models and other personalities too, but I think I have kind of conquered that one. I just started thought 'ok, they are cuter than me, but they are on tv. The chance my boy will meet them is the same chance of me meeting for example Brad Pitt.' And yes, I think there are cute male models too, and tvstars, althought I don't have their posters on my room (I did when I was 14 years old, so that only prooves that men are like children or teenagers).

Sometimes I still feel jealous that for example Britney Spears is cuter than me, but then, maybe she is jealous of cuter women too? I mean, it is impossible to be the most beautiful girl in the world, there is always someone more beautiful.

 

A few hours ago I had a discussion with my boy. He said he is really getting sick of me always being jealous, and he is right. I am sick of me being jealous too. He thinks I am cute, he says 10 times a day that he loves me, so why should I worry? I will never have 100% certainty that he will stay with me forever. And if I go on like this, I will have the certainty that he will leave me. I am most of all jealous of his female friends, because I am afraid that one of those girls will seduce him. (happened with my ex and his female friends, that is why I get paranoid) although if he is watching tv and says that an actress is cute, I feel my stomach turning a bit too, but I convinced myself that this is really silly. (a few years ago I would have changed the channel... with a big fight as a result)

 

Now I am thinking about it very clearly and I realise I am wrong, but the problem is that most of the times it is stronger than me, and I go on and on and on about it. And I really can understand that my boy is getting sick of it. Imagine you have a friend, just a normal friend, nothing special, and your boy is always going on about him, I think it would bother us too, wouldn't it?

What we should do, is stop thinking that we can't survive without our boy. Because maybe we thought it in past relationships too, and we lost that one, but we are still alive, arent we?

So, I suggest that we all start to enjoy life, and stop worrying, because it isn't very good for us, and life is too short to worry all the time. And if we would loose our boy, it only means that it wasn't meant to be, and at least we can say we had a gread time with him, and it wasn't our fault that we broke up (because jealousy ruines relationships, believe me, mine did already once, although I had a reason in that relationship)

So you see, I can explain it very well, now all I have to do is find a way to also DO what I say

 

Greetz

[Sooz]

Yeah! I agree with you missie, when it comes to jealousy it's too easy to come up with solutions, but fighting a feeling is really hard, I mean convincing your brain is easy: it comes down to pure logic, but try convincing your heart!! that stubborn little muscle!! It's like: I know he loves me, he finds me attractive, he wouldn't change me for anyone...and still I'm jealous!! I know it's wrong, but one thing is realizing you're wrong and another is actually getting rid of the feeling....

I'm trying a techinque, it's not a proffessional one, it's something I came up with and it has worked a few times, it's actually quite simple: when I feel jealousy is starting to crawl, I start thinking of those moments I've been certain my husband loves me, I mean I've had these moments of "truth" when I find myself thinking: how stupid I am this proves me one more time how much he loves me...You have to concentrate very hard, but I'm sure everyone has had those moments you know?? Men can be very sweet, caring, considerate, thay have their ways to make us feel loved...just think of that.

I have to say it doesn't work every time, but it has worked to me a few times now....it keeps my mind from wandering if you know what I mean...

Just try it and tell me if it works with someone ok??

[missie]

Hi Sooz,

Well, yesterday I went to a counsellor, and she gave me the same advice. When I feel the demons coming in my head or my heart, I have to think at the moments in which I was really sure my boy loves me (and if I think about it, there are a lot of those moments).

She also said that if he wants to cheat on me, he will, no matter how much I try to controll him, or no matter how suspicious I am. The always find their way to do it. And my biggest problem seems to be, that I want too much certainty (and it is right). If it would be possible, I would marry him right now to be certain he will stay with me, but well, even then there is no certainty... So actually I am always spending my time looking for reasons to be suspicious, and making reasons to be suspicious, while there aren't. So she suggested I should just enjoy the moments I am with you, and try not to look to far in the future. And most of all, stop controlling him and searching ways not to trust him, because it will only ruin my relationship, my boy and most of all: myself.

 

So now I realise I shouldn't be the jealous 'bitch', because then I will be less atractive for him (he always says I am cute, but my real beauty is inside). So I decided to seduce him every day, and be the loving girlfriend, that is not jealous (or that at least is not showing how jealous and suspicious she can be). And I am sure he will like me better like this, than when I am always asking every little detail about every little thing he did. I should just try to trust him.

And I know I won't change a lot by tomorrow, it will need some time, and he knows it, and wants to help me sorting this out. Using the tricks I got from you and my psych, I think it will work after some time.

Hope it works for you too. We jealous people have to help each other, we know we are wrong, but we will have to help each other to change...

 

A hug,

[Baby_doll]

Hi missie

 

I'm really glad that you're finding ways to deal with your jealousy! I woke up one morning and thought 'I'm not gonna let this beat me anymore'...it seems to be working for me I hate my ex for being like he was, but I can't let that experience shade my present relationship...I love my new guy and he loves me dearly...from now on I'm just gonna go with the flow and relax, and rebuild my trust!

[Sooz]

Missie! I'm so glad for you! it is a big step. I mean it is not the same talking about your problems in an internet forum than actually talking to a flesh and bone person. I admire you for that, and your boyfriend should be very proud of you because this shows not only how much you love him but shows your strenght. I hope this really works for you!! keep in touch to tell us how's everything going and if you feel like talking we're here allright??

Cheers!!

[missie]

hi Sooz and Babydoll and others

 

Last week my bf was here and we went a weekend to London. So it was a great opportunity to see how I am dealing with my jealousy. Normally we don't see each other very often, since he lives in France and I live in Belgium, and it is easier to keep your mouth shut over the internet when you "see" each other only like 1hour, then when you are together for 6 days.

It is very strange but sometimes I just feel the green monster coming, without having a reason, just in some little details. So I had it last week to, suddenly I was thinking about him and all his female friends and yes, I felt bad. And it is stupid, because I know they are just friends, so I don't understand why I feel jealous. But I did. I really wanted to question him about who they are, what they mean to him, what he tells them.... But I managed to resist, it was difficult, but I didn't say a thing.

I also have a problem because most people don't know he has a girlfriend and my suspicious mind found a reason for that, namely that he doesn't want to tell them because he likes them, and just in case one of them likes him too... well you understand. Fortunately I do also have brains and so I just asked him why most of them don't know. And then he told me that they are not really friends. Most of the girls and guys he knows are from his work, or he knows them by internet, and he considers them as people he knows, and not as friends. And he says his private live is none of their businness. So, ok, I understand, my suspicous mind does too, but still, I think I would feel better if he talks about me to, also to his parents (although we only know each other for 5 months), I just would feel more secure. But I guess I am seeing it from my point of view again, because I am a talker, I need to talk about things, and he is a bit the opposite, he doesn't talk much about feelings.

 

Well, you see, I still have a few issues, but I am proud on myself that I am improving. Although it is very difficult to change your thoughts, I am now trying to controll them, and I hope by controlling them I will be able to reduce or change my bad thoughts.

[Luciana]

I am very jealous of my fiance. I wasn't of my former husband. But i felt secure of my ex, and I don't feel secure with this man.

 

He never tells me loves me, he checks out another women in public (gotten better after I told him a zillion times how I felt), he keeps secrets from me, he never talks to his family or friends on the phone near me, his email is locked, etc. So I really think if I felt more confortable in the relationship, I would feel more secure. But I am not even sure of his true feelings for me!!

 

Also he likes to make me jealous with his 13 year old daughter, who is very clingy to him and likes to compete with me (material for another post).

 

Anyhow, I do have boundaries I have told him about: I'd prefer him not to watch porn (maybe look occasionally, but not so much he won't have "any" left for me!), absolutely NO strip clubs (a place with wh**, for God's sake!) and I told him I don't feel confortable with Hooters, which I once went with a friend and saw with my eyes how those girls flirt and insinuate themselves with our men. WOuld he feel confortable with me in a place full of semi naked men hitting on me? No! So far he is respecting these boundaries.

 

 

It is a terrible feeling, jealousy. But I don't think it's entirely our fault. If we feel loved and cherished, we usually don't feel this way.