missie

Hi, Thx for your reply. Yesterday I really had a good conversation with my boy. First we had a huge argument, because I kind of controlled him, and was so honest to tell him. Ofcourse he was furious, so he told me he didn't want to talk with me on that moment, that we would talk later on the evening. When he called me a few hours later (with me being nerveous, feeling really bad and guilte until he called me), he acted just like nothing had happened (yep, on that one, he is a real man.) But I decided I really needed to talk about it, I was already running around with this feelings for months and months, and was afraid to talk to him about it. But I thought, well it is now or never. So we talked about it, I tried to explain that I really don't like the way I am, he told me he feels frustrated, because he is really doing nothing to make me feel jealous, and still I do. So I told him that for me too it is really frustrating, because I am thinking and acting in a way I don't like, but I can't stop it, I even don't understand why I feel like that with him. Yes in the past I had bad experiences, but it is time to forget about the past, and look to the future, because if I don't, I will ruin my future, and that is the least I want. Anyway, he tried to understand me, he listen really good and I feel a lot better now, because I could TALK to him about it. I don't want him to bring up solutions, just to listen, nothing else. I also told him that I need that, but that I understand that it makes him feel angry if I bring the subject to life again. Anyway, now I feel lots and lots better than I did yesterday, and I hope this is a next step to get rid of those feelings, and that I can be just happy. Because I have the most wonderful boyfriend on earth, who loves me very much, so why should I worry? Ofcourse I know that those feelings will come back every know and then, but I promised him and myself that I will fight them, and won't let them make me silly things like controlling him...

Hi, Here I am again. I really hate myself!! I think I just ruined my relationship because of my jealousy. After visiting councellors, everything went a bit better, but since I can't affort to pay a proper therapy, I didn't go anymore, and yes, jealousy has won, again.... I tried to be honest to my boyfriend so I told him I saw a name of a girl of whom I think he knows her in a kind of chat programme in which we both are subscribed. And he was really mad, because I searched for people he knows, and because I am that jealous. He says I am really sick and I have a huge problem. Well yes, I know, but I really can't help it, I am fighting every day against it. It is really difficult, and I really don't know why I am like this, because he really is the nicest boy I know. I know he loves me very much and that he would never cheat on me. So why do I have those demons??? Yes, a lot of things happened in the past, when I was a child people 'cheated ' on me, I never had friends, children were insulting me, hitting me,... My first boyfriend cheated on me, and my second bf told me every day that other girls were cuter, better, nicer, ... So in the past I had reasons to feel bad. But my boy, with who I am know is really great, he is intelligent, cute, nice, tells me he loves me every day, gives me little presents, tells me I am cute, he is really everything I need. Please help me, I don't want to loose my boy, I love him too much, and I don't want jealousy to ruin this. What can I do, how can I be stronger?

Well, I already posted some things about my jealousy problems. I have exactly the same demons in my head. And for one part I know why: I think my boy is the world, so I think other girls have the same opinion. But I don"t think I am that special, so I really am afraid that my boy, one day, will be approuched by a beautiful, smart, nice girl, and I will loose him. What one of you guys said about being afraid that a boy feels attracted to his female friends. Well, I have the same way of thinking. And then I also say to myself, 'well, I have male friends, and I don't feel attracted to them..., so why should a boy always feel attracted to EVERY girl???' Unfortunately I couldn't convince my demons yet... I thought I was special to my boy, because I am from Belgium and we got together and he sent me a present and that kind of things. But then he told me he has a lot of female friends in Belgium, and all over the world.... and after 'investigating' his mobile phone, I saw a message from one of the belgian girls saying she received his present. So I really felt bad, because I wasn't the only one. Just to be very clear, this girl is only a friend, nothing more, I am really sure about that (but again, my demons aren't convinced). I think I have had to much bad experiences with my ex-boyfriends and their female friends. One kissed his female friend when we were two months together, I forgave him, but he went out with her and other friends (without me, because I didn't live in the same place) and I was dying every time, I litteraly got sick of fear, so I broke up. My second bf was flirting with every girl he met (but that one had a sexual problem, he is now in jail because he raped a girl). Well, lets say I met some bad guys, and that changed my vision of men. Now, I am sure I met a wonderful boy, and I am sure he loves me a lot, and would never cheat on me. But the demons formed during my past relationships are sometimes really upsetting me. I KNOW I have nothing to fear, but unfortunately I have a second voice in my head, that is always whispering 'you never know, be careful'. And that is why I want to know everything, I want to have control. The last few months I am doing better, I don't talk a lot with my boy about it, he knows how I am, and partly why. And he just told me 'well, you have two options: I tell you when I do things with my female friends, and you feel bad, or I don't tell you...". Well I want him to tell me, because I have to get over this, and if he doesn't tell me, and one day I find out he was keeping thing behind, well, then I will worried and asking myself why he is hiding things for me. Maybe your bf/gf aren't telling you things, because they know you will feel bad, and they don"t realize that sometimes we are searching for prooves that our thoughts are wrong. So tell them to be honest with you, and maybe you will react in a jealous way, but it will be 100 times worse if they hide things and you find out, because your trust will be hurt, and that is the last thing we need. A councellor told me to think at the beautiful, romantic moments with him, every time I have an attack of my demons. Just think about what he/she does for you, and ask yourself "if he/she wouldn't love me, would he do this for me, would he invest that kind of efford in the relationship?", and if you are honest, the answer would be 'no' and you will realize the jealousy has no reason.... It s not always easy, I know, but I think I am doing a lot better then a few months ago. One more tip: don"t go questionning your boy, it is the worst thing you can do, if you feel bad and you feel like questionning, just say you have a headache or I donno what (because obviously he will see you feel bad) and go for a walk and do something, but don't go sit down and worry, and don't go asking him every what, when, how, why 20 times, but he will get sick of it, believe me. Patiency ends somewhere. So don't go ruining your relationship on jealousy, don't let it win.... One day we will get over it. Greets to you all

Well, I am the jealous type too... And I also have problems with certain things of the past. And in fact I know it is very very silly, because in the past my bf didn't know me, so it has nothing to do with me not being special to him. The problem is he doesn't want to tell things about his past; so I have no idea about how much gf he had, what he did with them... Maybe it is better like this, but on the other hand, now my imagination is making a picture of it. The thing is just to let go the past, because you can't change a thing about it. Just love each other, and look at the future, maybe you are not the first one, but isnt it better to be the last one? I know it isnt easy, for me it is a real struggle sometimes, but I will get there one day. And so will you. Hug Missie

hi Sooz and Babydoll and others Last week my bf was here and we went a weekend to London. So it was a great opportunity to see how I am dealing with my jealousy. Normally we don't see each other very often, since he lives in France and I live in Belgium, and it is easier to keep your mouth shut over the internet when you "see" each other only like 1hour, then when you are together for 6 days. It is very strange but sometimes I just feel the green monster coming, without having a reason, just in some little details. So I had it last week to, suddenly I was thinking about him and all his female friends and yes, I felt bad. And it is stupid, because I know they are just friends, so I don't understand why I feel jealous. But I did. I really wanted to question him about who they are, what they mean to him, what he tells them.... But I managed to resist, it was difficult, but I didn't say a thing. I also have a problem because most people don't know he has a girlfriend and my suspicious mind found a reason for that, namely that he doesn't want to tell them because he likes them, and just in case one of them likes him too... well you understand. Fortunately I do also have brains and so I just asked him why most of them don't know. And then he told me that they are not really friends. Most of the girls and guys he knows are from his work, or he knows them by internet, and he considers them as people he knows, and not as friends. And he says his private live is none of their businness. So, ok, I understand, my suspicous mind does too, but still, I think I would feel better if he talks about me to, also to his parents (although we only know each other for 5 months), I just would feel more secure. But I guess I am seeing it from my point of view again, because I am a talker, I need to talk about things, and he is a bit the opposite, he doesn't talk much about feelings. Well, you see, I still have a few issues, but I am proud on myself that I am improving. Although it is very difficult to change your thoughts, I am now trying to controll them, and I hope by controlling them I will be able to reduce or change my bad thoughts.

Hi, Well, I know exactly what you are talking about, because I have the same problem. By boy loves me very much, and never cheated on me, but I find it difficult to trust him too. Did something happen with ex-girls in your life, did they cheat on you, did they hurt you? Maybe you are afraid that it will happen again (in my case that is the reason, ex-boyfriends...) But you have to realise that not everyone is the same. You should try to trust her, and most of all, try to respect yourself and believe YOU are the one she loves, otherwise she wouldn't be with you, but with some other guy... I know it is very easy to say, I am struggling with it to, but I think I am doing better now, and it won't be good every day, but every good day is a win for us. So just take your time to sort this out, don't look to far in the future, live by today, think about tomorrow, but not about next week. A hug missie

Hi Sooz, Well, yesterday I went to a counsellor, and she gave me the same advice. When I feel the demons coming in my head or my heart, I have to think at the moments in which I was really sure my boy loves me (and if I think about it, there are a lot of those moments). She also said that if he wants to cheat on me, he will, no matter how much I try to controll him, or no matter how suspicious I am. The always find their way to do it. And my biggest problem seems to be, that I want too much certainty (and it is right). If it would be possible, I would marry him right now to be certain he will stay with me, but well, even then there is no certainty... So actually I am always spending my time looking for reasons to be suspicious, and making reasons to be suspicious, while there aren't. So she suggested I should just enjoy the moments I am with you, and try not to look to far in the future. And most of all, stop controlling him and searching ways not to trust him, because it will only ruin my relationship, my boy and most of all: myself. So now I realise I shouldn't be the jealous 'bitch', because then I will be less atractive for him (he always says I am cute, but my real beauty is inside). So I decided to seduce him every day, and be the loving girlfriend, that is not jealous (or that at least is not showing how jealous and suspicious she can be). And I am sure he will like me better like this, than when I am always asking every little detail about every little thing he did. I should just try to trust him. And I know I won't change a lot by tomorrow, it will need some time, and he knows it, and wants to help me sorting this out. Using the tricks I got from you and my psych, I think it will work after some time. Hope it works for you too. We jealous people have to help each other, we know we are wrong, but we will have to help each other to change... A hug,

Hi girls Well, I have to tell, I could get jealous of models and other personalities too, but I think I have kind of conquered that one. I just started thought 'ok, they are cuter than me, but they are on tv. The chance my boy will meet them is the same chance of me meeting for example Brad Pitt.' And yes, I think there are cute male models too, and tvstars, althought I don't have their posters on my room (I did when I was 14 years old, so that only prooves that men are like children or teenagers). Sometimes I still feel jealous that for example Britney Spears is cuter than me, but then, maybe she is jealous of cuter women too? I mean, it is impossible to be the most beautiful girl in the world, there is always someone more beautiful. A few hours ago I had a discussion with my boy. He said he is really getting sick of me always being jealous, and he is right. I am sick of me being jealous too. He thinks I am cute, he says 10 times a day that he loves me, so why should I worry? I will never have 100% certainty that he will stay with me forever. And if I go on like this, I will have the certainty that he will leave me. I am most of all jealous of his female friends, because I am afraid that one of those girls will seduce him. (happened with my ex and his female friends, that is why I get paranoid) although if he is watching tv and says that an actress is cute, I feel my stomach turning a bit too, but I convinced myself that this is really silly. (a few years ago I would have changed the channel... with a big fight as a result) Now I am thinking about it very clearly and I realise I am wrong, but the problem is that most of the times it is stronger than me, and I go on and on and on about it. And I really can understand that my boy is getting sick of it. Imagine you have a friend, just a normal friend, nothing special, and your boy is always going on about him, I think it would bother us too, wouldn't it? What we should do, is stop thinking that we can't survive without our boy. Because maybe we thought it in past relationships too, and we lost that one, but we are still alive, arent we? So, I suggest that we all start to enjoy life, and stop worrying, because it isn't very good for us, and life is too short to worry all the time. And if we would loose our boy, it only means that it wasn't meant to be, and at least we can say we had a gread time with him, and it wasn't our fault that we broke up (because jealousy ruines relationships, believe me, mine did already once, although I had a reason in that relationship) So you see, I can explain it very well, now all I have to do is find a way to also DO what I say Greetz

Hi Sooz, Thanks for the reply.... Well about the meeting the friends thing, it is a bit of an issue, because he doesn't seem to want me to meet them, what makes me suspicious again, ofcourse.... It is really in my head every moment of the day, it is so stupid; I can't stop thinking about the possibility of him having a special thing with other girls, it doesn't have to be a relationship, also friendship bothers me, because with me he doesn't want to talk a lot about feelings... And ofcourse the fact he didn't tell people about me, hurts me too. Only 5 friends know about me, his family doesn't even know I exist. All those things make me really insecure. And my boy isn't the jealous type either, so he doesn't understand me, he says I have to trust him, well of course I know I have to trust him, but it is very easy to say, and I can do it for like 10min and then I start thinking bad things again... I really want to get rid of those feelings and thoughts, but I already know I wont be able to do it alone. And it would help a lot if I could talk about it with my bf... Well we'll see... Greetz

Hello everybody, I am in a long distance relationship (900 km between us) and I have a huge problem with my jealousy and not trusting my boyfriend. The problem is that he has a lot of friends, most of them girls, and a lot of them he met by internet, just like me. For a stupid reason I am very jealous of some of most of those girls. By some way I am afraid he has a special relationship with them too. Now my boy knows I can struggle with my jealousy, and that is why he doesn't want to tell a lot about his past and about what happened in his life before he met me. And if I asked him if he met one of those girls (I seem to have problems with one in particular), he first said he didn't. But I was sure he did, and because he lied about it, I started assuming that he is hiding something for me. Of course this happened before he met me, so I don't really have to be jealous or angry about it, but he still has contact with that girl... So because he doesn't tell me anything, I decided to investigate... and I saw he has more that 60 messages of her in his mobile. I read some of them, and there are not really special things in it, and all of them are send before he met me, but I just wonder why he keeps this messages. So I asked him, and he didn't really gave an answer, he only said 'well, I have your messages too, what are you complaining about'. So that made me feel like really special (not) Maybe I am thinking too much from my perspective. I only keep messages if they mean something for me... Maybe it is different for him, but I really don't feel good with it. The problem is that I really can't trust him. Although he deserves my trust, because he didn't flirt with other girls. But on the other hand, who will say, I only see him two weekends a month... It is like I have two voices in my head. One is saying that I should trust him and that he loves me, and the other one is saying that I should be careful, because my two exboyfriends couldn't be trusted and I don't want to get hurt again. But I am already hurt. I can't eat because I have all those bad thoughts in my head, I am really struggling with it, and I don't want to loose my boy because of my jealousy. The only problem is that he doesn't seem to understand me. I talked about it with him and he said 'so if I want to meet one of my female friends, you just give me two options, or I tell you and you will be hurt, or I don't tell you, but then I lie to you' So I suggested that maybe I can come with him to meet his friends and he said that I don't have to know all his friends... So that makes me even more suspicious. What is he hiding for me? He didn't even tell them he has a girlfriend and it really hurts me a lot. I know he loves me, but I would feel much more secure of myself if I knew those other girls know he is with me. If you love somebody, you talk about that person, no? I just can't understand it. And it is killing me... Thursday I am going to a counsellor, and I really hope that helps to sort out my negative thoughts and to trust him at least a little bit. Are there people who can give me some advice, or who feel the same? Lien

Hi Baby doll, I know you are right, and not all men are the same. And yes the problem is a low self image. Every woman I see has something that is better than me... And this is a problem I have since I was a child... Everybody used to tell that I was ugly and so on, and I really believed it, and if my boyfriend tells me know that I am beautiful, I really can´t understand it. I really am so stupid that I think he is flirting around with everybody, and I am also jealous of his past, but I guess that is because he doesn´t want to say a thing about it. And of course that makes me very suspicious... Sometimes I start controlling him and on that moment I think it is bad, but I just can´t stop it, and afterworths I feel really guilty and angry with myself because I let the jealousy win. It is a real struggle for me. And the big problem is that I can´t talk about it with my boyfriend, because then he gets angry... So I really have no idea what to do. I hope a counsellor can help me, because I don´t want to ruin this relationship because of those bad thoughts... Well, if there are people who would like to talk, and of course not only about bad things in life... you can add me to your msn list, I am always happy to meet new people. Greetz Lien (from Belgium)

Hello everybody I know exactly how you girls feel. I have the same problem. My ex boyfriend has been cheating on me, and was really horrible. Everybody was cuter and better than me, he didn't want me to eat, because he thought I was to fat, ... First I was really weak, and I believed him. So I thought it was my fault when he looked at other girls. And yes of course I was very jealous, but still I thought it was my fault... One day I really couldn't live like that anymore, and I went to a councellor, who showed me he was the bad one. So finally, I broke up the relationship. That was 2 years ago. Three months ago, I met a really great guy. Only problem, he lives far away from me, so I see him twice a month. He is really great and has a lot of friends, most of them girls. He also likes talking over msn, with different girls from different countries. And there is no problem with that, because I have a lot of male friends to, and chat with them very much. But I am soooo afraid to loose him. I think that other girls are cuter, smarter, nicer, ... than me. I know it has a lot to do with my ex. And I am sure my boyfriend isn't like that, but still. I can't help it. I am always worrying about what could happen, and how I would feel if I loose him, instead of being happy with what is happening. And of course for him I am starting to be a bit of a pain in the ass, because if I say something about it, he says I don't trust him. But I do, I am only so afraid to loose him. And I know that I give him the impression that I don't trust him. And I understand he hates it. I would hate it too. He kind of understands how I feel, but it hurts him that I compare him with my ex. And after the little fights we have, I feel really stupid and guilty. because I know he loves me, and he thinks I am the most beautiful girl for him (or at least almost). So, since this is really screwing up our relationship, I decided to go to my counsellor again. She knows how I felt with my ex, and I hope she can give me some advice. Next week I will see her, so lets cross our fingers that I will get rid of my jealousy. And to the ones who finished their relationship because of their jealousy, just think about this. Do you think it won't come back it you are with someone else? Because all men like watching beautiful women, all men have friends, male and female. I think it is best to try to get rid of the jealousy instead of the man... Greetz Lien