THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[JuneBug]

didn't see him for almost 2 months, then saw him today at the gym, spoke and said hi. Broke NC. I don't understand how seeing him for 2 minutes could make me feel so sad after everything I've had to overcome. I guess I'll never know if I'm truly over it...

[hesnotworthit]

DAY 2

i cant stop thinking about ways i can make him jelious the next time i see him, which is really bad. I keep planing to wear the sexy outfit he loved on my 18th out clubbing, and rip his heart out when he sees me out in it, turning guys heads again. I keep thinking about how his friend used to feel me up when he wasnt watching, and how i was too scared to say anything about it because i knew it would of ruined their friendship, so i keep thinking about just going up to his mate and picking up with him to rip his heart in two.

I know its so bad to think of ways to purposfully hurt someone, but my evil side cant resist showing him what he can never have again.

 

Its like i get enjoyment thinking about ways i can attempt to hurt him because he acted and told me our breakup was just like another day, when i told him how much i was suffering and how much his absence was killing me. I know id never do what i think, but its sad really that i have to result to such negative thoughts.

Its like even though i dumped him to get his bad influnce out of my life, he still manages to stay in my mind, taunting me and making me a miserable mess.

 

When ever i was away from him, id realize how he was treating me wasnt right and hate him for it, then he'd text me something sweet and make me feel so good so id push all the negaitive thoughts under a rug. Now hes not there to talk to me and mask his bad ways, i have a clear vision, but secretly i want his words in my ears again.

His 19th is in 3 weeks, i want to text him, but i know it'll only stall my recovery.

I keep reminding myself his connection = pain!

 

 

EDIT ok now i feel horrible, i just got in contact with an old mate of mine. And he told me he longer wants to be friends with me because he feels like i droped his friendship as soon as i got a new boyfriend...how the hell is my ex able to screw my life up even when i want nothing to do with him. ahhhhhhhh another man out of my life.

[agape-mama]

DAY 21!!

 

Hi ya'll - I've been away for a bit.

I decided to take a road trip over spring break, and the change of scenery, and shift of routine was really really helpful for me.

Not being at home, or having time to wonder what he was up to or why I STILL have not heard from him was a nice break.

I noticed that there are full days where he doesn't cross my mind now - and it feels really fantastic.

When I do think about him now, it does still hurt a bit, but I think maybe the hurt is more based on the lack of knowing, or understanding Why. (which I know is my own issue, and not something I can hope for from him... 21 days, if he hasn't made an attempt to contact me by now - will he ever? And if he does, I can't imagine it would be to explain Why he treated me like crap.)

So, for now I will just remind myself that I feel better when I don't think about him (or what I wished we could share) and if I keep myself busy enough, not thinking about him is totally a possibility!

.. if only I could drive back and forth accross the country All the time - it would be No problem! lol

[ScorpiGal83]

Day 6

 

Had a mini-breakdown last night after getting home from dinner with old friends. Cried for about a minute. The ugly-cry. LOL.

 

I miss him.

 

beggin' and pleadin

are no-nos, the more we try to control somethin' the more it will evade us

 

Trudat. It's like grabbing a fistful of sand - the harder you squeeze the faster it runs from between your fingers....

[ToodlePip]

Trudat. It's like grabbing a fistful of sand - the harder you squeeze the faster it runs from between your fingers....

 

I like that analogy!

 

Decided to not reply to her last email, since there's no suggestion of progression. I'm tired of the crumbs she's throwing me. I'll be in the same building as her for work next month anyway so we'll see what that brings.

 

Otherwise, she's still in my head, still think of her when in bed on my own, but I went out last night and chatted to a few women - didn't ask for numbers but it was nice putting myself out there.

[Siberia]

Dear Brazilgirl,

 

Yes I have followed your threads. I didn't want to pitch in earlier to warn you against the hopes you had build about the graduation party, just because I thought one learns best from experience He wants to be free from you right now. First of all, I am in a similar boat as yours--I mean, my fiance broke off two months just when I thought it was only a matter of months before we tied the knot. Guess what, if we have hurt our men in the past (which you did, and I did too) their pride gets the better of love at some point, just to prove to themselves that they don't dance to our tunes. And the likeliest time for them to walk away is when we think we have won them back 100%. Then they know it is the time to leave. Again, I should insist they are not manipulating but only acting like humans.

 

So don't take the details of break-up personally. Just remember--they want to return on their OWN terms and timeline. Not ours. He wants to be his own person right now. It is not even male pride, it can be female pride too, as I have been a dumper in past.

 

Yes that girl is a rebound. Just the timing says that clearly. Can they have deep feelings for a rebound? Yes. why not. Some rebounds are really deep and *real* but does that mean they are long term? No. The emotional base he has with you is far too strong.

 

Whether you should keep NC forever or not is not a decission you can make right now. There has hardly been any distance between you two. It is all too fresh. At least do it for 3 months. Then re-evaluate your situation. In the meanwhile, you should do something to change the pattern of your life. Go out and study for example. Date other men. Accept the scenario of a life without your ex. This acceptance is the most powerful liberator.

 

See, when ex's break up, even they can't predict what they are gonna want 6 months down the line. There is a lot of uncertainity in their head too about the future. Nothing is set in stone. So do what will best tilt the outcome in your favor--i.e. move on with your life.

 

I just hope that these insights into their psychology helps you accept the break-up more easily, instead of constantly questioning why and how.

[kitchty]

Siberia,

 

Would you mind telling me the reason your most recent ex broke the engagement?

 

You seem totally together--you know in term of career and maturity. Your advice is one of the best on the board and you are such a kind and caring person. What happened to your relationship?

 

btw--staying away right now...should not have broken it yesterday...major setback. Now it is even more difficult...

[kitchty]

 

Your NC is actually on day 8 and not 40 because though it was only a small text, it made abundantly clear to him that you are still hurting.

 

 

Wow Siberia you are hardcore!

 

Tell me here again, why is it so bad for the ex to know that we are still hurting? I guess because ...because we are supposed to erase the dumper-dumpee dynamics and start on equal playing field? Any other reason?

[kitchty]

Some rebounds are really deep and *real* but does that mean they are long term? No. The emotional base he has with you is far too strong.

 

 

Could you explain? If something is deep and real, why can't it last? Can pride really make him(and dumpers in general) think and believe that they really want someone else rather than the dumpee?

 

I mean, you know...I just thought people knew better about themselves. Like, I thought they knew in general whether they are doing something because of bruised ego or because their heart is really into it.

 

Just sounds bizarre to me that someone could do something out of pride de facto, while believing with his whole heart that it is not about pride but about being in love with the new girl. Do people really have so little self awareness?

[hesnotworthit]

 

Tell me here again, why is it so bad for the ex to know that we are still hurting?

 

i second that

[ToodlePip]

Because strength is attractive, weakness is not. Because if you are hurting, any relationship with each other is impossible and they will realise that and hold back, or disrespect you. Because your self-esteem will suffer because you will feel even more rejected when you open up to them and don't get what you want in return. And so on...

[Siberia]

Siberia,

 

Would you mind telling me the reason your most recent ex broke the engagement?

 

You seem totally together--you know in term of career and maturity. Your advice is one of the best on the board and you are such a kind and caring person. What happened to your relationship?

 

btw--staying away right now...should not have broken it yesterday...major setback. Now it is even more difficult...

Sometimes details of the break-up don't matter. What matters is--that though I sensed he was pulling back (family issues, commitment phobia, global warming, whatever, the reaons for pulling back do not matter) I refused to give space. I starting working on the relationship in full gear. LOL. You know, I thought I could be the best girlfriend and do everything for him, so he can overcome his fear of commitment. I wanted to prove my love to him. But guess what. The rule is someone starts pulling back you CANNOT run after them. Then it is not about chemistry and love, it is only about physics--i,e. space and time. We must lean back. It doesn't matter if we are princess of wales or merlyn monroe. We pay the price if we don't lean back. So yes, I was acting PURELY out of fear of losing him. I was being clingy (gosh, I do feel embarassed now). I was working more than him on the relationship. I stopped being my relaxed, independent self. I didn't let him go. He felt he had become a victim of my willpower. I am facing the consequences now.

 

The lesson--when they want to leave you let them leave. You don't hold out in desperation. That is fear. Not love.

[kitchty]

Because if you are hurting, any relationship with each other is impossible.

 

What about this? Sometimes people are hurting/unstable/weak while they are IN the relationship and why is it ok in that case (many relationship survive a period of both people hurting/going through rough patch, right? So it is not entirely impossible to have a relationship with one or both parties are hurting, no ? Why is there so much expectation on us dumpee? Have to be strong, be the "new and better" person , not hurting and totally strong and shiny and confident and perfect?

 

Not an attack. Please just give me your three cents....I really don't think there is any relationship on earth that is strong all the time, in which both people are never hurting at any given time.

[ToodlePip]

So it is not entirely impossible to have a relationship with one or both parties are hurting, no ?

 

IMO, because the other person's mindset is one of love and desire to be around and help the injured party through this hurt. When someone tells you they want out, they no longer, or temporarily don't, feel that way.

 

I agree that when both want to get through a bad patch, it can work, but a break up is essentially one person saying sorry, I don't have the energy or desire to get through a difficulty with you right now.

[Siberia]

Wow Siberia you are hardcore!

 

Tell me here again, why is it so bad for the ex to know that we are still hurting? I guess because ...because we are supposed to erase the dumper-dumpee dynamics and start on equal playing field? Any other reason?

Yes it is totally a bad idea to show you are hurting. I cannot stress enough how important it is to NOT show your hurt. You are hurting, fine, keep it yourself, cry in the pillow, talk to your friends. But don't pull a sad face with your ex. It will push him away with the speed of light.

 

Why? They feel that coming back to you fulfills YOUR need and it is too much about you. They want to make sure that coming back is about them, not you. This is the basic rule. Counterintuitive? Yes. But ignore this and you lose them for good. In blunt words, as they say, nobody feeds a hungry dog Only when you are independent, cool, secure in yourself, they feel safe and attracted enough to make their way into your life. They subconsciouly wait for a time when you no longer NEED them, when you have more power than them, and when you are better off than them. Then a reconciliation means they are not stepping backward in life but forward. Hard to accept but this is how it works.

[kitchty]

IMO, because the other person's mindset is one of love and desire to be around and help the injured party through this hurt. When someone tells you they want out, they no longer, or temporarily don't, feel that way.

 

I agree that when both want to get through a bad patch, it can work, but a break up is essentially one person saying sorry, I don't have the energy or desire to get through a difficulty with you right now.

 

Spot on. Thanks!

 

I am really getting that resolve to do the right thing now even though sometimes I don't really feel like I know why. Now I see one of the big whys. I think Siberia wrote about this in her post before, this really help hit the point home for me.

[Siberia]

What about this? Sometimes people are hurting/unstable/weak while they are IN the relationship and why is it ok in that case (many relationship survive a period of both people hurting/going through rough patch, right? So it is not entirely impossible to have a relationship with one or both parties are hurting, no ? Why is there so much expectation on us dumpee? Have to be strong, be the "new and better" person , not hurting and totally strong and shiny and confident and perfect?

 

Not an attack. Please just give me your three cents....I really don't think there is any relationship on earth that is strong all the time, in which both people are never hurting at any given time.

Yes but after a break-up, you are no longer a team. The other person has quit and is no longer responsible for you and your feelings. The more you make them responsible, the more you push them away.

[ToodlePip]

I know how you feel, I still get times when I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing even 2 months after the breakup and very LC/NC. I didn't beg, got "pretend" happy very quickly, did all the right things cos I've been here a few times before but it doesn't change that niggling doubt deep down. It's normal. Bottom line is that they should be treated like when you enter a new relationship - if you meet someone who'se not willing or capable of giving you the commitment you are looking for, you know walking away is the best thing. Shared history just makes it harder.

[kitchty]

Shared history just makes it harder.

 

sad but true. Erasing it or having it work in your favor is difficult.

[Siberia]

Could you explain? If something is deep and real, why can't it last? Can pride really make him(and dumpers in general) think and believe that they really want someone else rather than the dumpee?

 

I mean, you know...I just thought people knew better about themselves. Like, I thought they knew in general whether they are doing something because of bruised ego or because their heart is really into it.

 

Just sounds bizarre to me that someone could do something out of pride de facto, while believing with his whole heart that it is not about pride but about being in love with the new girl. Do people really have so little self awareness?

Yes pride can kick in if they have been deeply hurt in the relationship in the past.. Subconsciously though, and slowly, once they have regained control in the relationship. Funny but true.

[kitchty]

Yes pride can kick in if they have been deeply hurt in the relationship in the past..

 

 

Ex said this when we broke up

 

"My mom and brothers were concerned about me. They know I am not the kind that lets myself be controlled or does what he doesn't want to do and they wondered why I let you abuse me over and over"

[kitchty]

Yes pride can kick in if they have been deeply hurt in the relationship in the past.. Subconsciously though, and slowly, once they have regained control in the relationship. Funny but true.

 

So how much self awareness does anyone have? If we are all doing things because of the subconscious, then how much do we actually know about what we are doing and why we are doing them?

 

Is not that scary? I mean...just looks like often times we actually don't know what we really want or our true motivation....I mean.. come on is not that scary? You could think you really love your rebound but you have no idea it is all about your bruised ego??

 

argh this is frustrating....

[Siberia]

Yes we are humans. We don't always know why we do what we do. It is frustrating to be a human

[kitchty]

Yes we are humans. We don't always know why we do what we do. It is frustrating to be a human

 

Then how do we tell if it is true love? Knowing this, I feel like from now on I will always be wondering if my SO really loves me, or just thinks he does while in reality he does not and has tons of things going on in his subconscious.

 

Heh...my question is kind of ridiculous....

[ToodlePip]

Here's a question for you - how do you know what YOU feel towards them is true love? Kinda makes their feelings irrelevent while you ponder that question