THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[kitchty]

Toodlepip,

 

For example,

 

I think it is true when I can't stand hurting him for my own sake. When I see that he is unhappy with me/ is frustrated because of me and then take a step to separate myself even though I miss him so much and cry alone at night, I know that is love.

 

I think it is true when want to encourage him, be there for him, and am concerned about his happiness and personal growth. So it is not just wanting to be with him, but also wanting to nurture and care for him.

 

And it is true when I feel this joy when he is happy...and want to all I can to make his day/make him feel happier everyday.

[Siberia]

Toodlepip,

 

For example,

 

I think it is true when I can't stand hurting him for my own sake. When I see that he is unhappy with me/ is frustrated because of me and then take a step to separate myself even though I miss him so much and cry alone at night, I know that is love.

 

I think it is true when want to encourage him, be there for him, and am concerned about his happiness and personal growth. So it is not just wanting to be with him, but also wanting to nurture and care for him.

 

And it is true when I feel this joy when he is happy...and want to all I can to make his day/make him feel happier everyday.

Hey Kitchty, But isn't it true that you starting being so sensitive about his emotions only after he pulled away from you. And while he was with you, you were taking him for granted at many levels?

[kitchty]

I think my ex really did love me if that is the really the definition of love...

 

but ...I don't know. I think the definition of the kind of love for romantic lifetime partner may be different. Because apparently you can love someone the way I posted above, yet not want to be their lifetime partner...I guess for that it need to be a little more intense, like wanting to wake up next to the person everyday and can't imagine the future without the person and being willing to make sacrifice (with job, geographical locations, etc) in order to not have to be apart from the person.....

 

And come to think of it I start to wonder if my ex ever really had that kind of intense love for me....I think our love just didn't grow. After infatuation phase, we became like best friends and totally comfortable with each other. We were passionate and had chemistry, too...but the love just didn't deepen or grow...We kind of just drifted along...

 

That is why i really want to start over with him rather than go back to the old relationship

 

Sigh.

[kitchty]

Hey Kitchty, But isn't it true that you starting being so sensitive about his emotions only after he pulled away from you. And while he was with you, you were taking him for granted at many levels?

 

TOTALLY. you know my situation......not one of those people who knows this from the get go. Unfortunate indeed.....Why is it that he knows like it is innate to him, but I was just so ignorant...

 

And that is why I said...there are many girls out there who know how to love and nurture from the get go...and if he gets one of those girl during our time apart then..I guess game over for me....Nothing else I could do I guess except getting out of this limbo and rebuilding my life ASAP so I can be ready ASAP.

[hesnotworthit]

Because strength is attractive, weakness is not. Because if you are hurting, any relationship with each other is impossible and they will realise that and hold back, or disrespect you. Because your self-esteem will suffer because you will feel even more rejected when you open up to them and don't get what you want in return. And so on...

 

 

But what if you just want to open up to them without the intention of getting back together with them? What if you just want to be honest, and tell them the affect its had on you, and see how there doing too?

I just hate this false pretence of pretending to hold things together and rubing in each other faces how wonderful our lives appears to be without them...i feel like im lieing, and like im treating them like their my enemy..

[kitchty]

So you could also say I had no idea what I was really doing when I was with him I guess. Clueless...

 

But not totally clueless.

 

My time and attention was devoted to him. Really...he had most of my prime time. Never cheated. Never compared any other guy with him and made him feel less-than. Always believed in him. Always complimented him and always thought he was the cutest, kindest and loveliest guy around (always told him that). Always told him how awesome he was, especially when he thought he was no good. Always honest with him and totally shared my life with him. Thought about my future with him. Never want to be apart from him. Plan my future in such a way that avoids us having to do long-distance or be apart. Respected who he was (personal philosophy and stuff)

 

Can the above be called love too?

 

 

i guess the only time I don't respect his choice is when it comes to relationship commitment and future plan. He was always going slower than I would like him to be--I think due to him being unhappy with the relationship. He did say that he felt respected and felt heard all the time, except when we talked about the relationship and he could not give me the answer I want. That was the only incident when he felt that I didn't respect him or his decision.

[kitchty]

I just hate this false pretence of pretending to hold things together and rubing in each other faces how wonderful our lives appears to be without them...i feel like im lieing, and like im treating them like their my enemy..

 

I think it is not a matter of pretense or rubbing it in someone's face. It is a matter of truly healing and truly having things back together before even making an attempt to try again. And when you are happy with your life, it is not like you will have to go bragging about it with your ex. The point is not about telling him how happy you are with your new life. It is about regaining balance and happiness so you can really love and make it about both the ex and you rather than just you alone.

 

It is so true...you bring all your bad habits into the relationship. If you are sloppy with yourself or financially dependent, you will bring that into the relationship...so that is why it is important to really have a happy, fulfilling life and know how to nurture and take care of yourself. Because honestly, how you treat the relationship and the other person is exactly how you treat yourself. If your life is falling apart personally, financially and everything you will drag the other person and the relationship down with you.

 

And you do not have to pretend when you are not ready. You have NC! This is what NC is for--so you don't have to pretend, you see. keep them out of your life until both you and them are ready again...if that will ever happen.

[kitchty]

But what if you just want to open up to them without the intention of getting back together with them? What if you just want to be honest, and tell them the affect its had on you, and see how there doing too?

 

Maybe do it once, then quit it. Take that answer and make yourself believe that that answer probably will hold true for a few months after they said it at least. I made the mistake of opening up and asking how my ex was feeling too many times..and it was lame. Pretty much wasted my time and ex's time talking about the same thing over and over and never got a different answer.

[ScorpiGal83]

End of Day 6

 

I had an overwhelming urge to call my ex just now. I know his mobile number by heart.

 

I wish I didn't.

[ToodlePip]

Try some NLP to forget it ScorpiGal83. Worked for me

[ScorpiGal83]

Try some NLP to forget it ScorpiGal83. Worked for me

 

I don't really know how to go about it - in fact i didn't know what it was til I googled it a second ago...

 

...how do I implement it?

[brazilgirl21]

Siberia - How did you hurt your ex? Did you break up with him?

 

I'm moving on with my life... in the best way I can. I can't really travel right now because I'm applying to school and it takes a while to apply/get a response. But I'm studying for the GMAT and starting to work in my application. It's for Fall of 2010 though, so I still have over 1 year to deal with things in my own, in my routine. I'm not ready to "escape" it now anyways. I have a pretty good job but I guess I can have some days off in June/July to travel for a bit...

 

I'm seeing a very decent guy as well. I really enjoy his company and I'm thinking about commiting to him. I KNOW he's a "rebound" but is it that wrong to have a rebound? What if I fall for my rebound? What if I let this guy go, my ex never come back, and this guy would have ended up being the guy for me? I know it's unlikely, and subcounsciously, there's a part of me who wants to have a new boyfriend becaue I've never had a boyfriend that wasn't my ex, because I might want to make my ex jealous... But there is also a part of me that thinks I deserve and need to try something different, even though it doesn't feel 100% right.

 

What do you guys think of rebound relationships for the dumpee??

[ToodlePip]

I don't really know how to go about it - in fact i didn't know what it was til I googled it a second ago...

 

...how do I implement it?

 

One typical excercise (there's loads if it doesn't work, I'll help you out if you need more) is

 

close your eyes and visualise the phone number written down very clearly on a scrap of paer. Really see it in your mind. Then visualise a roaring fire. Get to the point where you can see both really clearly through concentration. Then "throw" the scrap of paper in the fire. Visualise it burning, see the numbers burning and disappearing one by one.

 

Repeat a few times, maybe once a day. I've got rid of some really bad memories of the breakup this way. It won't erase things completely, but dull things if that makes sense. Give it a go!

[Qut81]

A week without phone calls and one day without emails. So I guess one day NC.

 

I emailed him on Monday because he told me he would call this wkend (which he did not). I pretty much told him that I am done, that no one deserves to feel this way, not even me. I told him that I give up. If I can get thru this week of not calling, I will be ok.

[createhappiness]

2 weeks NC

 

feeling good to have made this decision. tired of feeling i'm going downhill, i'm going to really push myself from this point on to stay positive and make myself healthy/happy again.

[Siberia]

I hurt my ex by not committing for 2 years because I was feeling very guilty about having broken up with my ex-ex (I have had only two relationships in life). So I kept him in limbo for so long while he treated me like a princess. *sigh* He never fully got over that, even though I spent the next 1.5 making amends. We are now living in different countries (he moved away six months ago). He broke up with me 2 months ago after several rounds of breaking up and getting back. This one seems for good. I have let go COMPLETELY. If he comes back..it is love

[Siberia]

Rebound--well, let the guy know what you are going through. If he is okay, date for a year at least and before deciding marriage, etc. You should be 100% sure about a future with him before you commit. You should not be holding hopes of reconciling with your ex when you commit to your bf.

[kitchty]

I hurt my ex by not committing for 2 years because I was feeling very guilty about having broken up with my ex-ex (I have had only two relationships in life). So I kept him in limbo for so long while he treated me like a princess. *sigh* He never fully got over that, even though I spent the next 1.5 making amends.

 

Another poster here called Sparkie got into the same situation. sigh...people really do live in the past and once you hurt them it is so hard to undo it. Never, ever hurt anyone, even a little bit...this is my philosophy from now on.

[CoCo2009]

.....................

[brazilgirl21]

what? marriage? are you crazy? I'm 21, haha. I meant "commiting" as in becoming official boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm not thinking about marrying anybody at this point in my life... Definetly not this guy that I barely know! I meant just officially date him and giving it a shot.

 

Actually, if my ex came back and proposed, I'd probably marry him. I never though I'd say this at 21 but I would marry my ex tomorrow. I know we are both rational and would want to wait a few years, but feelings wise, I'd marry my ex tomorrow.

[tujna]

ScorpiGal83, we all know how this feels! But hang in there, it is for the best of all of us!

 

Day 2 for me... after we spent 11 days together. Before that 17 days apart but he says we cannot be together.

 

He called me last night while I was sleeping. Just to ask if I arrived safely. It was somewhat kind of him, I guess, but not after the fact that he did his best to upset me that much that I don't even know how I arrived home. I just said, I am fine, thank you and good night. After which, I bet he went to talk to his new friends at MySpace, haha. Let him do whatever he wants!

 

I am not counting this as a violation because I know myself and that I cannot not answer his calls. I am totally determined to be a grown-up person and never act childishly again, it only hurts us, not them. The biggest favor we can do to ourselves is to be adults. I know he will need me again. I just do. But I cannot allow myself to be half a person without him. I cannot be with anyone right now. I have to become "whole" again. This is the true happiness I am seeking for. Love would come as a consequence.

[brazilgirl21]

I've been trying to fight it, but I definetly think I've developed depression from this break-up.

I've had trouble with anxiety/panic before, but this time, it's not just anxiety/panic, I think I'm definetly depressed. Thank God I'm in therapy.

 

I really want to feel better.

[FriendnorFoe]

Just got back from doctors, been having muscle spasms alot lately, took some meds but I feel like I am going to puke, he told me that I should chill on the workin out for a while, this sucks

[hesnotworthit]

And when you are happy with your life, it is not like you will have to go bragging about it with your ex.

Yeah, i guess when you dont care about what your ex thinks about your life, is when you truly are over them...

 

 

Maybe do it once, then quit it. Take that answer and make yourself believe that that answer probably will hold true for a few months after they said it at least. I made the mistake of opening up and asking how my ex was feeling too many times..and it was lame. Pretty much wasted my time and ex's time talking about the same thing over and over and never got a different answer.

 

Yeh, i did it once and he acted like he was perfectly fine, when i knew he was only pretending to be tough...it hurt that he was no longer on my side, like he had to build walls up now because were no longer together, but i was letting him see how i was completely drowning.

And i think your right that doing it again would be bad, because his walls would probally be thicker. Its just like im searching for comfort in knowing hes going through the same pain as i am, and that it actually meant something when i ended things. But your probally right, he'll probally never change his cold answer.

 

Thank you kitchty

[hesnotworthit]

DAY 3

 

i think the hardest part of NC, is knowing that hes actually not contacting me either...

I know he's just simply pushing me out of his brain, like he does all his other problems and going out partying and having the best time of his life...while im obsessing over everything about him and making myself feel miserbale thinking about him.

I dont know if he'll ever contact me again, he always waited for me to contact him first...so if i never contact him, we may never be friends.

 

He told me he wanted to be really good mates, when i asked him to take me back after dumping him...but now i think it was just bull, and a bit of his two faceness that i often saw him use on others.

i hate him for giving me false hope.

i hate how much ive let him hurt me, when i know he was never, and will never be worth my pain and that i can do so so much better then him, if i just allow myself to let go and open up again to new guys!! arhg.

Im scared that if i keep up NC he'll think i dont want to be friends, cuz im not making any effort like i always used too...i lost another guy in my life yesterday bcuz of my ex's bad influence on me during our relationship...and now im scared ill loose any chance of having a friendship now with my ex if i keep up NC...

But if i brake NC whos to say he wants nothing to do with me, and that'll only make me more upset, and set my healing process back a million.

 

God i hate my anyalization. Why cant i just forgive and forget like he did with the click of a finger.