THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[saluk]

Day 29/Day 1

 

Still not sure whether to count yesterday as a full blown breach. I should probably count it. I may have used my friend being there and the fact that they were all going to go to lunch together as an excuse to test myself. Just going to lunch at all was a breach. But then I didn't actually seek out connection with her while there. It was more about my friend.

 

I guess what really matters is am I still keeping my focus on the right things, and keeping her out of my circle. I've definitely lost a little ground, but I don't think she's back in there either. Just a little closer to the fringe than I want.

 

The barrier I am putting up is useful, but I wonder if I'm not letting it block me in other areas. I feel like I need to throw myself into other things a bit more and let myself be a bit more vulnerable. Not with her. But with friends and anyone I date. Maintaining the right amount is an interesting challenge.

 

I forgot to mention that I DID have some fun texting with date girl during the concert. I'm going to call her this week for hopefully date 4.

[Orpheus85]

UPDATE.

 

My wife left me and moved 3 hours away 1 year ago. We had been together 9 years and I'm 30 and she's 25. I haven't seen her for 6 months and have been in no contact for 109 days! She told me 109 days ago that she was "seeing" someone and then blocked me on social media. The first 6 months of the separation I carried on wanting her back then did a 180 and NC. I felt like I had died, or at least she had. The last year has been very challenging and not a day goes by where I haven't thought of her. I feel like I have been depressed for a year straight. Around the 8 month mark the pain started to subside a little and now 12 months on I feel a lot better than I had. However I'm still not over her. I still check my emails everyday hoping she's written me. I miss her but have accepted months ago it's over. So I've left her alone I'm hoping that with more time I will eventually feel better. Life goes on....

[Davidrmt]

Saluk: I think because you're past the 30 day mark you're ok

 

Update; feeling really down today. I've not reached for the phone to call her or anything, but it hurts.

[IAmFCA]

For several days I had the feeling like something is up, so I finally texted. A death in the family, it turns out. It's weird how I get that sensation.

 

I don't know if he knows I was in the media today, more prominently this time. It occurred to me later today that he will see it, I had forgotten.

 

Anyway, it feels gone. We'll never date again, and I'm fine with that.

[ivette28]

Hi, boys and girls I am joining this challenge! To not contact for 60 days this person who dumped me. I need to stay strong I am starting tomorrow, because today we already talked

 

I feel lost and depressed also angry. Need no contact mostly to ground myself. I do not want to get back with this person at all, as we were not in a relationship of any kind, just initial dating, but have been in contact a lot and this is why I feel compelled to answer his messages and so on.

[saluk]

Just an update. I'm basically in no contact again, since the one time she talked to me. Little did I know how crazy things were going to get! At that very lunch where she made me break no contact and talked with me, there was a new guy who had come with the group just to meet new people. I got to know him a little and he seemed cool enough. Too weeks later...

 

She and this new guy are facebook official.

 

I'm really glad that I have been spending the last month or so trying to separate. It's just super bizarre that instead of ending up with the guy she was formerly pursuing, she starts pushing on this brand new guy who we all just met. It helps to have been prepping, but this is pretty hard to deal with. It lines up with the immature version of her that I've tried to keep in focus when I do think of her (though not spending very much time thinking of her in general). I don't want the kind of person who would just throw themselves into a relationship with some new guy because she's feeling lonely. It just smacks of the same bad decision making that ultimately ended our own relationship. I'm actually not terribly jealous of this guy, I hope it works out for them. Ultimately I want both her and me to find a way to be happy with someone (and not each other, because I don't believe in us anymore). So I hope that's where this is going to go. But...

 

Not dating anyone for 4 years after me, because of how fast we moved, and how she thought she was in love with me but months later realized it was just infatuation, to see something so similar happening again... But it may turn out for the best. That's what I'm aiming for.

 

As for me, I never contacted date girl again. I know. I've become that "Why won't he call" guy. But... she has never called me either. I think there is just not enough interest on either side. I guess I'll keep looking. After a little bit of time to get used to the latest development. We don't need to turn this into a competition lol. I don't want to get in the habit of pushing for dates with the wrong people as a reaction to something I saw Her do.

 

Slow and steady.

 

And back to no contact, seriously. It sucks, I kind of wanted to be friends with this guy. But I don't see how that can happen if he is always going to be around her, when things are so cold between us right now. But I don't know. Maybe after a bit of time I can get to know him a bit more. Sigh. He just friended me on facebook (2 weeks ago lol) and I already have to unfollow him. Because they are facebook official. And I found out about the relationship from his page.

 

At least my 4 years of waiting and wondering if she will ever be able to move on is over.

 

Edit: I think this is day 14 as of the lunch. I don't know what number I am aiming for. Something really high.

[coldmoon]

day 6

[saluk]

Day 15. Had trouble sleeping. Had a ton of dreams of them together, just hanging out, talking dealing with stuff etc. Weirdly I was not actually present in these dreams. Maybe that's a message that I don't need to be a part of it, and to let them have their own time, their own story. I can get behind that.

 

Did some poking around on okc, but I don't think I want to do that again right now. Saved/liked a few profiles, but like I said before, I don't want to just find someone to date as a reaction. I need to simmer down now.

 

Possibly going to a writer's group tonight, either that or hanging out with my sister. Possibly hanging out with my friend tomorrow night.

[coldmoon]

Day 8, trying to spend lots of time with family.

[saluk]

Day 17

 

Skipped writer's group, and when my friend talked about hanging out, he meant in 2 weeks. I do want to start getting out there more... but all the things I enjoy I can do at home, which makes it hard to motivate myself. When I'm in a relationship then I DO have that motivation. I'm not one of those who will just play games all day by myself and barely talk to my SO and reject her when she wants to go out. But outside of one, I'm fairly content just playing games and watching netflix. I have a cruise coming up, so that is something new and different for me. I'll at least let myself off the hook until then.

 

My feelings toward my ex... it's still weird, but I think I'm getting used to the idea of her having moved on. I still wish I hadn't seen that first pic image of them together as they announced that their 2 weeks of dating made them facebook official. That image is seared in my brain and makes me feel a bit negative and down when I think of it. But strangely, if I think of them together in other situations, I don't have that strong negative reaction. I know, weird right?

 

Anyway I actually am already starting to feel kind of good about the whole thing. This will they or wont they, how does she really feel about me, will we ever get back together cloud that has been in our lives for almost 4 years was not great to live under. With her locked down, I know that it's "wont they". While I had moved on in a lot of ways, the wondering had still been there holding me back. Maybe now I can really move on for good.

 

At least, until she breaks up with this guy. The odds are pretty good for that But maybe by then I'LL be in a more secure place.

[rlhuk]

Ugh. I was with someone for 3.5 years, we broke up, I rebounded, it ended, I slept with the ex again, blah blah. 2 years on from breaking up I STILL love him deeply. we were talking for awhile this year and we met up and went to the cinema and we cuddled the whole time - he doesn't want me back though. After a real head f**k I told him NC.

 

I did 85 days. Was really making progress. Then he messaged me 2 days ago saying he couldn't help it and needed to know if I'm ok. I shouldn't have replied but I did, just said, I'm fine, don't contact.

 

Then, stupid me, contacted him back yesterday and we ended up chatting for an hour. He says he loves me and misses me but he never does anything positive with it so I don't think he really is in love with me otherwise he would want me back. IDK.

 

Day 1 again as of tomorrow....

[saluk]

Dang rlhuk. That sounds really hard. At least in my case she never has explicitly said she still has feelings for me. I've only inferred it from things that, individually wouldn't mean a lot, but collectively point to a pattern. Good luck.

 

I think you will get back to whatever state you were in before that happened a lot faster than it took you to get there before. You have shown a lot of strength in coming to the conclusion you have so quickly. What is the point in missing you if he's not going to give it another shot? That's too weak. Love should be stronger. It should be "I can't live without you by my side."

[rlhuk]

Yeah exactly. I've sent him a loooong message (I will post it here later) asking him to not contact me unless he wants progress, and not to even reply to the message unless he wants progress. No response. He doesn't know what he wants but I can't be his emotional crutch

 

Anyway I have had a couple of weepy moments but I think I'll be ok faster, you're right. It's been 2 years of heartache and guilt (on my side, for rebounding), and although we both still love each other I don't think he is IN love with me. He's just lonely, I think.

 

I've been reading your posts. you're doing well

[coldmoon]

day 9, working on myself by eating healthy and small exercises

[rlhuk]

Day 1.

 

Woke up feeling pretty good considering. I had a little cry last night, not even 30 seconds really, then pulled myself together. I think I can do this.

 

Work is also a good distraction.

[saluk]

Nice, a 30 second cry. Crying can help sometimes.

 

Day 18

 

Crying didn't help. I kind of crashed last night, had a pretty long cry and mope, and it's carried over a bit into today. I feel my hope (hope of moving on) kind of slipping away. I'm just a little overwhelmed. I want that good feeling from 2 days ago back! I ended up going to her fb page this morning to block it. Just to limit the temptation to pry.

[rlhuk]

Day 2.

 

Got drunk last night so woke up this morning feeling rather emotional. Listened to some sad music on the way to work (I know, I know) and was all weepy on the tube. He still hasn't replied to the message I sent asking him to not contact unless he wants me back, and to not even reply unless he wants me back. I knew it would be that way but it's stupid, some part of me still hopes he will turn up at my flat or something. Even though he's never been that kind of spontaneous guy.

 

Baaaaaah. Wish it didn't have to be like this. I have all the negative "I shouldn't have let him go/it's my fault/I should have been better" thoughts.

[coldmoon]

Day 10, still dreaming and waking up in pain. I wonder if he's ever going to contact me again.

[Younganddumb56]

Day 1

I for too long didn't listen to her and kept pushing and not giving space. I got so consumed with my own feelings and my own fear of losing the woman that made me so happy and forgot the reason why she fell in love with me the first place; all I've ever wanted is for her to be as happy as possible. It's scary the thought of not only losing my first love, but the woman that before things went bad made me so secure with my future because no matter what she would be there.

 

This is our first real break up and I realize now what she has been saying all along was true. We need this space from each other because I've come to depend on her too much. She made me feel invincible and I confused that strength as my own strength. I confused the happiness she brought me as a happiness of my own and became too dependent on her being the one to make me happy.

 

I realized so many things that I used to do or complain about before that were just dumb as can be because in the long run they didn't matter. She wasn't perfect either, but she apologized and I had a problem letting things go making us get to this point.

 

I will become a better man, I only hope I'm lucky enough to be that man for her one day. And if not, I bet I'll never take anybody for granted again. Love is beautiful but takes constant work on not only it but yourself. I realize that now.

[coldmoon]

day 11, it doesn't get better right now

[saluk]

Welcome to the journey Younganddumb56. We're all in this together

 

Day 19. Still kind of in my funk. I saw her yesterday. She had band practice at church, and I was working on the computer for the video equipment. It was a little weird hearing her interact with the other band mates. Something seemed a little off with her personality - but I was not too focused on her either, that's just from snippets that I overheard. I'm guessing she wasn't too thrilled that I was there. We didn't speak, obviously. We were on opposite sides of the room and never crossed. It was actually good. I felt a little better afterward than I did before. When we are apart, I am haunted by the version of her in my head. Both kinder to me, where it is influenced by my idealization of her; and less kind, where my mind plays tricks on me and makes her actions about hurting me, rather than what they really are. Seeing her in person, interacting with others... she's not either of those people in my mind, the devil or the angel. She's just a person. A person who I don't even really like anymore.

 

I feel better today than yesterday. Still pretty down about life at the moment though. My passion is gone. I'm giving myself until next week to force myself out of the haze. I'm too tired to stay here. Life is too wonderful a gift to stay sad. But I know I need this time. To process. To deal with things so that they can finally be put to rest. Once and for all. 6 months from now, when she dumps this guy, I don't want to get reeled in again. Or when they get engaged. Or when she dumps him for someone else and quickly gets engaged to him Whatever happens. I may or may not still be around to see it, but if I am, I want to be in another place. Somewhere that my old feelings and ideas cannot reach.

[beanpot]

Hi guys... I'm diving in. I'm hoping by Day #365 I'll be all better. Well... hoping that will happen even before day #365 but I don't want to be too optimistic. I usually am. But not in this case...

 

Day 3: Talked to a friend who had a year break with his now wife. Felt better. Took a nap. Cried for a minute or two. Going to the library to do some reading. Going to create a Spotify breakup playlist. It's become easier for me during the times right before sleeping. But I always wake up thinking about her. Always. Always. Always.

[Younganddumb56]

Day 2

Originally she was just asking for a little space which scared me because she never had before so I pushed and pressured her to the point she said just be friends and to stop trying to be with her. Immediately after that I asked if I gave her a week with no contact could we go on a date after and she replied ok and agreed. Part way through the week a family member spent two days in the er for heart problems so I contacted her in a panick and she calmed me but then got annoyed after I texted her another time later in the day and reminded me of the deal. The next day I texted her that I was sorry I broke the deal and that I would be waiting to hear from her whenever she felt completely ready.

 

Tomorrow would have been the one week point and date day. It's hard to think that I easily could have been on the road to getting her back. It's very tempting to just text her and ask her to go anyway, I have no idea if any of her anger has gone down and she could very well say yes. But I want to prove to her not only that I am sticking to my word but that I am also willing to do things at her pace. We'll see what tomorrow brings who knows she could even text me and ask for it. Just have to remind myself that this is about the long run not the short term pleasure of seeing her and possibly pushing it too soon.

[beanpot]

Yea... I pushed and pushed too because I wasn't feeling secure in the love and attention I was receiving back... And I pushed too far. I read a book recently that really spoke to me a lot. I highly recommend. I think it was incredibly valuable. It's called "Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love". Often times one partner will push when they feel insecure, while another partner will pull away. Give it a shot and let me know what you think

[annamonrrial12]

YOU SUCK! I HADN'T SHED A TEAR ALL DAY! I cried all day yesterday. I really wish my ex would come and just really look me in the eye and say things like this. I hope you do get her back. Just be patient. Let her know without over doing it that you love and support her. It's hard I know keep your head up. I should probably take my own advice too. It just really kills me. Are y'all friends at least? I tried to be but now he doesn't want nothing to do with me. So I am gonna just force myself to get to know people (as friends).