THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[DreamySkies]

Trying - Don't beat yourself up. Coming on here and venting is really good and it's healthy for you to get things off your chest. Even if with complete strangers, it doesn't go unread. Sometimes you get responses but just writing it out is very good for the soul and your healing. So don't stop. You're not a fool, you have a generous caring heart that wanted to be there for the person you do care about. It's natural. We do care, we do love them, but we're all learning how to live without them and be so much happier in the process. I kept telling everyone I felt horrible that I was still some broken record nearly four months later... only to be reminded it only has been four months, not a long time at all. Don't be angry at yourself, you're doing a really good job. Our stories are so similar but only because of the love we truly had for them. We just have to keep moving forward and start recognizing what we want and do not want in a man and our friendships. I respect myself more than I ever have and it's empowering. It's freeing. I know when the time is right and love finds my heart again, it's going to be beautiful. I won't accept it any other way.

 

Hang in there and please, always vent to us!!!

[danman794]

Day 2-Keep thinking about her (6th day of break up) but its slowly becoming less. About 3 times i've wanted to check her FB and Twitter but I managed to hold off by thinking of this thread. 4th day of working out and I think it is really helping me. I keep reading the get back together thread and thats helping keep me positive, even though I know that the chances are slim to nil.

[villagehero]

Day 1.

 

Forgiveness.

 

She is currently VERY interested and actively dating another man.

 

We have our daughter that we must maintain communication for.

 

I still want to reach out to her but I am fighting everything in my power to not do so. Not yet.

 

My goal is to pull a solid 30 days of LC and maybe just MAYBE see where the waters lie. For now, we need more and more distance than ever before. Sometimes it seems as if I'm pushing her into his arms but that is out of my control non the less.

 

This morning I picked up my daughter and saw her at her house. I politely walked in and waited in her living room while she got the baby ready. I don't want to be rude anymore or appear angry or hurt. I wish to simply be.

 

We are communicating only about the baby through text and limited phone calls. We even have calendars synched up so we know the schedules. Very synthetic relationship to what it once was. We will see what happens from here on out.

[alr85]

day 7, piece of cake. Seems to be only because I haven't stopped vomiting for the past eight hours and have a fever of 102.it's interesting that focusing on vomiting is less agonizing than focusing on him. Maybe this is God's blessing.

[trying2bestrng]

Dreamy, thank you. I've never done anything like this before. Writing things down does help. I do feel like I am a broken record at times with my friends. My best friend that was just visiting is fighting Cancer and planning her wedding so I definitely do not want to bother her with my guy problems... She is so strong and she has beat this before. Last time she was in remission 5 of us (as well as her) got matching Cancer ribbon tattoos in her honor. I am not even worried, she will beat this again. She prays a lot and got me doing the same. Always have faith and I am glad you share your story with us.

[trying2bestrng]

Day 2.

 

I dont feel sad. I am more relieved that I have made up my mind about my EX. We will never get back together and I am at peace with that.

 

I have been so depressed the last couple months that I have lost a lot of weight. Starting today im going to eat better and get back to the gym. The days are longer so it is much easier for me to keep my energy up. Spring is around the corner and I am looking forward to getting outside. I had the worst cabin fever this winter and have found myself working too much. It is wearing on me and possibly causing some of my depression. Plus I need to be on my game in July so I can be the best dang maid of honor for my best friend. Im taking a week off to travel to Northern Idaho for the wedding. That is the most time I have ever taken off work. I need the distraction and the excuse to get myself on track once and for all!! So here is to getting over toxic relationships, and starting meaningful ones

[villagehero]

Day 2.

 

Yesterday I picked up the baby in the morning. Had a realization that I needed to forgive myself and forgive her in order to truly move on. Went and picked up my daughter and took her to day care. Kept it cordial and quick.

 

During the evening, she sends me a text and it states:

 

Her: This doesn't matter to you.......But I miss my friend....

I find myself very depressed lately and with no one to express these feelings to..

 

Me: Girl you have someone.

 

His name is XX A.k.a DJ so and so .

 

You can't have me as your emotional shoulder to cry on.

 

Just like I can't see you with another man.

 

I'm sorry but a part of me died when you broke up with me.

 

Now yours is catching up.

 

 

Her: Yet I can and always will be your shoulder...

 

It's fine.. I'll deal with it on my own

 

 

 

Me: I don't want your shoulder right now.

 

I miss your heart. What I know so well. What is what hurts most.

 

I want nothing more than to be there for you, comfort you, and have you smile.

 

But why when at the end of the day you don't want me but as a pañuelo to cry on?

 

When you just toss me aside and go be intimate with someone else????

 

Wake up Girl. You chose a life without me.

 

 

What does she expect?? It felt good for her to tell me that but it was shortlived because I (foolishly) checked the DJ's social media and of course they where partying together this past weekend.

 

I really want to achieve friendship but I can't at this moment. And it seems she wants friendship but doesn't understand how 9 YEARS is not an easy thing to get over when you are dumped. She is ok with the friendship since she has someone to mask her feelings...but when he's not there...her loneliness kicks in. I guarantee she won't ever send that sh*t to me on a Saturday..

[alr85]

Day 8-- I feel this red-hot hatred towards him today I know that the grieving process isn't a sequence of steps that follow neatly in order so I must be experiencing anger today. He has manifested in me all of these feelings of insecurity that I thought I was over in my early 20s. I feel so weak and unloved, even hated in some ways. He closed me out of his life a long time ago and withheld his love until it broke me and then waited to use my weaknesses as the perfect moment to dump me so that I could take the blame. He withdrew from my life and ended our relationship in his head months ago-- just needed a solid reason to bail. I hate him so much for what he's done to me. I hate him for breaking my heart and my daughter's heart. I hate that I opened my home to him and offered him everything I have to offer, everything that's precious to me and he made me feel like it wasn't good enough for him. It doesn't help that I was home sick from work today and had too much time to think. I started talking to a new guy but I have to be careful I don't jump in just because I'm heartbroken. My heart hurts so bad today. I just want his memory to go away. I just want to be myself again. It hasn't even been 2 months since break-up. I'm sure there's still a lot more emotion to come.

[KathEV]

Day 1

 

So I decided to try seriouly NC at all...

I asked her politely to block me in every social network cause even though it's been 9 months since we broke up I can't stop looking at her FB/twitter and it just makes it worst so now that I don't have control over it I think I won't break NC...

 

I feel sad and kinda desperate, but I'm trying to fill my day with activities (college, reading, exercising) and 'till now I've been down but I guess I can survive, though I hope I feel better tomorrow...

[js0905]

Day 74

When we discover some truths, it seems that everything else was a lie.

 

You are so totally correct on that one....

 

It's Day 53 for me and the more time passes the more I realize how blinded I was.

 

He just used me and fed me the same crap he feeds all the other girls that apparently have always been there.

 

Truly believe he is a "Narcissist" and needs a harem to make himself feel better. Always thought I was special to him but now I realize everything was a huge sham.

 

Now I don't feel sad for because I miss him but I feel sad because I truly believed his lies.

[littlebird]

11 weeks since the break up. 5th day of NC. Was in LC for the first 4 weeks for practical matters (we were moving out of our shared apartment). Then started texting and talking a bit. We work in the same office so sometimes bump into each other. Last week even went for lunch (my initiative, he was happy to meet) - no talk about relationship or BU, just catch up about friends/family/work etc. Last interaction was my text 6 days ago (nothing too personal) to which I received a friendly response.

 

Since the break up I have improved my life tremendously. I'm looking better than ever, doing sports (even signed up with personal trainer recently), taking care of myself, partying less, got a promotion at work, studying for a professional qualification exam, attending interesting exhibitions, spending time with friends and making new friends, etc. etc. At first I started making improvements in a hope that he will see how great I am and come back into my life. Then, when he didn't seem bothered I had a feeling it was all in vain ("No matter what I do, he still doesn't want me"). Until finally I found myself in a place where I am happy with who I am and what I am doing with my life, I am proud of the progress I made, and it doesn't matter what he thinks about it as I KNOW I AM DOING THE RIGHT THINGS FOR ME. We were both living an unhealthy lifestyle and personally I never want to live like that again. He on the other hand is not looking great and seems to have been partying/drinking even harder since we broke up. If that is what makes him happy, there isn't much I can do.

 

I also attended counselling sessions which helped a lot - I would highly recommend it to anyone going through a heartbreak. Not only it will help you with the immediate stress of the break up, but you can also explore personality traits and events in the past that might have affected you and how you behave in a relationship.

 

I am going on holiday in a few days, which will help me keep up the NC and obviously remove the opportunity to see him at work.

 

I won't keep NC forever, just until I finally healed and don't feel like my insides are in knots when I talk to him. I think the key thing is to be happy with yourself, and not NEED the other person. Only then you can feel whole and have a healthy relationship, whether it's with your ex or a new person.

[trying2bestrng]

I question how I can go 12, 9, 7,2 and then back to day 1 again.

 

I got an anonymous facebook message yesterday. I rarely go on facebook. I get notifications that come to my phone when I have new friend requests and messages so that's really the only time I get on. I've been getting a lot of friend requests from people I dont know. Which is strange cause I only have 200 friends and I know them all. I have had a weird feeling that it is probably my EX'S girlfriend trying to stalk me. Fake profiles...all of them. You can tell. So the message pretty much told me what a terrible, pathetic person I am and to stay away from my EX cause he is happy and I am getting in the way. Well that was a wake up call. Yes, I am pathetic and a terrible person. Here I am intruding on another woman's boyfriend.

 

My EX starts sending me old pictures of us from parties we attended, and camping trips we went on...5 pictures. I asked why he is sending me those? He said I found them and wanted to share. He said they were happy times for him.

 

I burst into tears. I told him to delete them now!

 

He said no, im keeping them.

 

I was nice for awhile in my responses and then stopped texting him back. A few hours go by and I am getting so angry so I decided to send him one last text.

 

I said, one more thing, dont ever call me for a ego boost when you are having relationship problems AGAIN. you know my feelings for you are strong. That was the most heartless thing you have ever done. I deserve better then that and you know it!.

 

His response was, that is not what I did I swear!

 

I blocked his number...

 

After about an hour he calls my work phone. He asked why I said that.

 

I said its a small town and people talk.

 

It took him some convincing but I finally told him about the facebook message. He knows I dont look for drama or cause any so he felt really bad. I said it may not have been your girlfriend maybe just one of her friends.

 

He told me that I am so much of a better person than any of those people and I was there for him last weekend when no one else was.

 

He also said, I have always been there for him and he thinks very highly of me. He recently figured out being there for the person you love is important in a relationship.

 

I dont know if that was code for his girlfriend is NOT there for him. obviously his relationship is lacking certain things or he wouldnt call me.

 

I said, i am pathetic like they said. I am stuck on a guy that doesnt want me and has a girlfriend. Pretty sad. I think we should block each other and move along..

 

He said, that's not what I think.

 

I said, the friendship door is closed, I am not going to be here for you anymore. I was stalked by your ex wife and now your new girlfriend. I need to get a life and leave you in the past. You should understand that especially after today.

 

He said, I guess but this sucks. No one knows how I feel and what I go through every day.

 

I said, this is not good for me. I've been working my ass off to get over you and every time we talk it sets me back. I cant be your crutch when things are bad in your life. I wont be your friend at the expense of my heart.

 

He agreed and that was that. End of conversation.

 

After getting off the phone I burst into tears again. I dont understand if he feels so strongly about me why he just wants to be friends? On the other hand he is not worthy of all I have to offer someone. That is what I need to keep in my head. He is such an idiot and so am I. I wish I more of a tough cookie and just be completely mean to him cause that is what he deserves.

 

It definitely sounds like he might have another bad weekend with his lady. Its strange that they only see each other on the weekends but still find ways to fight. That doesn't sound like they have a promising future but what do I know..

 

Okay so I am back to day 1 with this jerk. I am going to make it this time.

[trying2bestrng]

All I want to do is cry right now. I dont understand. I am a flippen hotty, great in bed, very passionate at everything I do, care so much about people, I am independent, make my own money, I would like to think I am smart, I have a huge heart, and dont hate anyone....but at the same time can whoop some ass if I needed too... What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me anymore??

[DreamySkies]

Village - she's trying to make herself feel better. Keep doing what you're doing. You're better than that.

 

Trying - I'm so sorry. I know it had to be super difficult to block him from your life, but these texts, the communication... all of it is just ripping off the bandaid. You need to heal in order to move on and when he's sabotaging it, it just doesn't help! He's not happy with the girl he's with now, or he WOULD NOT be contacting you. He's not happy with her, but you don't deserve to be unhappy with him either. Right now you need space. I'm not going to say that you two will NEVER reunite. I don't know this about anyone, let alone my own situation, but I promise you. Take this space for yourself. It'll teach you things and show you things you couldn't see and know. I promise you. I'm officially 4 months post BU and where I am today is so much different from where I was even a month ago. The biggest difference was cutting him out completely. I had to do it for my sanity.

 

It'll be hard but once you have that desire, like you did by blocking him, it'll get so much easier. I never wanted to block him on FB, I wanted to be able to know everything he was doing. Then I realized that was only hurting me and causing me to hold on. Blocking him took weeks of pain off my back. The next morning I woke up with calmness. The first in so long!!!

[DreamySkies]

I woke up in a bit of a funk this morning... caught me off guard to be honest. I have done well all week after my contact with the ex. I've gone out, I've hung with friends, and I've had amazing fun with my son. Then this morning I woke up and it hit me almost immediately that today he's due back from his trip to Vegas. How is it that it was so automatic ingrained in my mind. I can't remember when to give my dog flea medicine EVERY month but I can remember some vague mention of a return date for him???? Clearly I'm thinking about him more than I am admitting to myself.

 

Although I am more anxious that he'll reach out than that he won't. Which I think is why I'm so worried/concerned. He was busy and distracted while in Vegas. Now he'll be back and I'm assuming he'll make a point to keep his desire to reach out and check up on me. I don't want this contact. Like I truly don't.

 

I find myself more upset about things than not. Everything that was placed on my shoulder at the tiest time of my life because of his "NEED" for self preservation. I don't want him in my life. I truly feel he is using my illness as a way to offset his guilt from the breakup. He's using my illness to show everyone else, all the people who didn't bother to reach out to me, that he didn't just "leave me in a ditch". The longer he has information about my situation and health, the more he can play the card that he's "in touch and helping me". This benefits me absolutely none. It doesn't matter anymore. Even if he came back and spouted exactly what I wanted to hear, it's gone.

 

In the past few weeks alone, I've interacted with men (only on a friendly level) and there has been points when our kids have interacted. Those guys are nicer and more sincere to my son than my ex was in over the 2 years that we were together. I can tell by the way my son reacts and responds to them. I don't feel like I am trying to keep the peace, even though it was always quiet. Maybe it's because it's only the friendly level taking away certain aspects of the dynamics from before. But I don't feel so tense, I don't feel so stressed. I felt like I was always walking on egg shells... trying to keep my son content and happy and quiet and respectful not to offend the ex, and keeping the ex from being bored and uncomfortable and just whatever else he tended to feel when the three of us were doing something together. It was never sustainable.

 

Ugh!

[trying2bestrng]

Dreamy, You're right. Blocking him is the right thing to do and I already feel better about doing it. He is unhappy in his situation, He is never happy with his life in general. I am not the one responsible to pick up his pieces anymore. I will be very excited when day 13 is here, that will be a mile marker. Longest we have ever gone in 4 years without speaking. I know he will try and reach out at some point and I am so glad he wont get through. I just feel better about not expecting his call or even knowing if he has tried or not..

 

When you speak of how uncomfortable it was with your EX and your child, it hit home for me. My EX is the same way. I just felt like my kids could do nothing right in his eyes and we fought about it a lot. I was constantly defending my teenager.

 

I just know at this point if either of us had the chance to work things out with these men, the 1st fight or problem that came up regarding why we are no longer with them would come rushing back and we would be so regretful and angry with ourselves.

 

I truly hope he is not reaching out to you because of his own guilt. I think he does care and is concerned for you. You would have to be dead not too, and even then..

 

Maybe we will reconcile with our EX's one day, but they would have to do some serious changing for the better, like you said... who knows? From what I have heard it sounds very unlikely and we need to put them in past..We would better educated on what we want and don't want. It is very difficult when you established a friendship as well as a love for these men.

 

Thank you for your encouraging words. It always helps getting a outside perspective.

[alr85]

You both are such strong women-- even though I don't always get the chance to comment I've learned so much through your growth and I'm glad I've gotten to be a witness to your strength and resolve.

 

The part that you both mentioned about your children really hit home with me too and a friend of mine going through the same situation. While my child mentions him everyday, it's not because she misses him. It's because a familiar part of her life is gone and she's confused. She never warmed up to him. She never looked to him like a child looks at a "father" figure. She talked to him like a friend with whom she had very little respect for. I should have seen it as a warning sign. She didn't respect him because he didn't respect her or value her and she knew it, even at 3. Her behaviors were out of control for the 6 months he lived with us. She turned into a different child and instead of relaxing in my own home, I was a constant barrier between the two.. trying to convince him that this was not really her and trying to force us into situations where we could feign a happy family when he really resented the role. What a fool I was.

 

Day 9-- this is the longest I've gone without talking to him. I'm sure he doesn't notice but I've felt every second lately. This has to be the longest phase of hurt-- the hurt you feel when you admit in your heart they're not coming back, at least not in the same capacity. I'm like you guys. I'm not interested in being his friend. He never offered me the things a friend could offer someone. Why would I expect that he even has those traits?

[KathEV]

Day 2

 

Today was a rough day... Last night I couldn't sleep thinking about her and about everything I did wrong, I tried to focus on other things but all I did was bursting into tears...

In the morning I went to college tried not to think about anything but my classes and kind of felt better, but while I was driving back home I hit rock bottom and arrived home to cry 'till I felt asleep, I slept all afternoon and when I woke up I felt so weak and empty I couldn't bear it so I decided to get out of my house cause being there just reminds me of her and headed to the gym, it seems to be the only way I can clear my mind and "not think" about her, but I can't always be there... Today I stayed working out for 3 hours, and now the soreness kind of releaves the emotional pain....

 

I don't want to feel like this anymore, but I really see no end, I'm losing will to do everything....

[trying2bestrng]

alr85,

You brought tears to my eyes. That was very kind to say. Thank you. Although I do not feel very strong. It shouldn't be so difficult to get over these men. Perhaps we are co dependent to these alcoholics. We are always thinking they might change and be the men we once imagined them to be. We got a glimpse of that from time to time and we held on to that image of them.

 

I told my EX When we were together to do himself a favor and dont date another women with kids. He resented me for having kids with another man. How silly is that? He would even tell me that once in awhile when he had been boozen.

 

Its sad and very selfish. Hold on to those thoughts and feelings of how he made you and your daughter feel. Those feelings get pushed aside when you are hurt and rejected by such a jerk.

 

These men do not deserve to be in our lives. That is why being just a friend to them is not an option. They will eventually abuse that right when they feel the need. Like my ex tried to do with me last weekend.

 

Hang in there

You are stronger than you think

[trying2bestrng]

Day 2. 9 months since B U

 

I feel so much better since I blocked his sorry ass. Out of habit I checked my phone when I woke up wondering if he may have drunk text me then realized, ohyea I dont have to worry about that anymore.

 

As always my feelings are coming in waves but I know there is nothing I can do but move on.

 

The guy I have been seeing came over last night and we laughed so hard my cheeks hurt. I am really trying to give this guy a fighting chance. He is the exact opposite of my ex and I love it.

 

My EX use to tell me " good luck finding another guy. No one will want you because of your baggage. You have so much you need a luggage rack".

 

What a stupid thing to say. I would laugh and tell him " when I get the courage to leave you, you will miss me". OH did he ever...I felt sorry for him so I continued to talk to him. That was my mistake. It didn't allow me to move on like I should have done.

 

After a few weeks im sure he will try and call. Just for that ego boost. He may pretend to love his new girlfriend and to be happy but... she will never be me and he already knows that. If he doesn't try to call. ..well...I will never know and that is the beauty of blocking his number.

 

Im working most the weekend but the weather is bad so im not too upset over it. Im going to try and re direct my focus and not pine over him. I have got to stay strong!!!

[trying2bestrng]

Last Sunday we made plans to meet for lunch today. I was excited to see him. He really sucks and I just have so much resentment and hatred towards him right now.

 

I mailed him back his front door key. I am sure he got it in the mail yesterday.

 

When I went no contact for 7 days I thought for sure I didn't cross his mind ever. When he told me he couldn't stop thinking of me I was surprised. I have no doubt I am on his mind a lot now. Knowing that I have to keep his number blocked and just remember he is thinking of me.... Effing Douche..

[danman794]

Day 6- Every day is a little better. Saw a picture of her on FB today (mutual friend) and while it hurt a bit seeing her with a smile, the feeling didn't last long. This is by far the longest we have ever been out of contact and I find that thinking about my plan to meet new girls is helping me a lot. I have fewer urges every day to look at her twitter/ FB. I deserve a girl who wants to show me affection outside the bedroom and that's what I'm focusing on.

[trying2bestrng]

Great... he bypassed the block and called my work.

[Kaytie]

Great... he bypassed the block and called my work.

 

Oh no. Did you end up picking up?

[trying2bestrng]

I had to. Im the only one that answers the phone. Talked for 40 minutes. He said his girlfriend called him at 1am with a bunch of dudes in the background and is running from the cops and needed a place to hide out. He told her no way. So wow talk about drama..He wants to hangout this weekend and asked me to unblock him. I lied and said I am going out of town. This whole situation is making me a complete mess.