THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[JSB]

I'm on day 4 . . This is the longest that I've not contacted him I'm quite proud of myself. It seems crazy because, before, there wasn't a day that we didn't speak & if we didn't see each other at least 2 - 3 times a week - we missed each other . . I must say this is more a battle of self control than anything else. I am hoping it will get much easier & that I think about him less and less every day.

[jphcbpa]

Sunday will be 7 weeks BU and NC. Hard to believe you can go 16 months talking/texting someone every day and then nothing for 7 weeks. Seems like a dream.

[alr85]

Today is Day 4 NC-- I was hoping today would be as easy as yesterday but it wasn't. The lonely/fearful part of my brain keeps trying to convince the sound/realistic part of my brain that texting him will be easy and harmless.. that it couldn't possibly cause anymore hurt than I'm feeling right now. I put my house back together. I bought myself a bed since he took his back and began putting my bedroom back together. It's feeling more like my home again and less like an empty skeleton of a room reminding me what used to be there. I'm actually dealing with the shock that he hasn't texted or called me yet.. I thought he'd cave. I keep trying to tell myself that he misses me. Don't know why it helps to feel that way. Yuck. Today sucked.

[js0905]

I have been crazy busy at work so I guess that is a good thing.

Today is day 13 and didn't post yesterday so again posting for 2 days...LOL!!

[alr85]

Day 5 NC-- Success. It hurts though. His brother messaged me to check in. I said I was doing ok. We talked a little and he told me that he really likes me and thinks I'm good for his brother but his brother needs to realize it on his own or it will never work and that the only way he can do that is by remembering what life was like without us. Seems unfair

[Lovebug]

Day 40

 

(but would be day 54 if I hadn’t sent a text saying ‘happy new year’ . I still miss him every day and it has been a struggle at some points not to tell him how I still feel, but I know it just wouldn’t help either of us.

 

I am, however, moving out of the flat we jointly rented next Saturday (he moved out before Christmas) and I feel them are some logistics I need to contact him about: that I’ll be hiring a van to get rid of the old sofa and piano in the garage (so he wouldn’t need to in the last couple of days he has for cleaning) getting the carpets professionally cleaned and as my next property has a washing machine I am giving away the old one, but we bought it together so I think I should let him know before in case he needs it etc. What do you think? At the least I need to let him know by which day I’ll be out so that he can come in and clean/deal with keys. I could just put everything in one email, leave out anything personal and give him no questions to reply to…

 

or just leave it…he’d have to email me eventually, but by then the washing machine will be gone and he may have hired a van for no reason….

[maccerz]

It's been exactly 2 weeks since we last spoke. I'm feeling pretty good! I'm definitely a happier person when we're not in contact. I keep having dreams about him though, really upsetting dreams! They always consist of me walking into his bedroom to find him naked in bed with another girl and him not giving a s*** that iv seen and showing absolutely no emotion towards me. Very irritating

[Lovebug]

FYI it was me who requested that we limited contact and told him to please leave me alone (54 days ago) as it hurt too much when I received contact/emails from him.

 

I have now sent a message, so I guess that means tomorrow is day 0 again, I do still think it needed to be done and I didn't put anything in there that required a response. I also made sure to put in the same beginnings and endings to the message that he used when he last contacted me...

 

I feel a little worried, there were so many things that I wanted to say and didn't : ( but what is done is done and I think it was best to keep it to what needed to be said

[alr85]

Day 6 NC-- Success. Today was harder than ever. I keep minimizing the damage it will do if I contact him. Last night I had a dream that I was 9 months pregnant and we were still together. I went into labor and him and his mom were in the delivery room with me. I think I woke up this morning missing the idea of being part of his really awesome family and that's what today's hurt was about. My relationship with my mom is lacking and losing his mom is an additional loss in all of this. She still sent my daughter a birthday gift and texted me telling me that we are so dear to her and she's sorry her son made the decisions he made. I'm really missing him today, too. I won't go on with a list of all of the things I miss because it won't do any good. Instead I'll just remind myself of his emotional unavailability and how happy my daughter and I will be when we find someone who wants to fit with our family. It also helps to remind myself that he will miss us. Maybe not now but soon. I'm going out with some ladies from work for Valentines' Day which will be fun and my friend is getting married soon and I know her wedding will be fun. If I can just hang onto those things that I look forward to, I'll make it.

[alr85]

Crap He texted me out of the blue. I wasn't going to respond but his message said "Hey are you guys doing ok?" and I couldn't leave that alone.. The fighter in me didn't want him to think I was broken. I couldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking that I'm still so hurt I'm ignoring him so I wrote back "Yeah we're doing good." Back to day 1 tomorrow. Dammit

[js0905]

Posting for yesterday day 14 and today day 15......

 

I'm half way there =)

 

Miss him terribly and I'm dreading Valentine's Day.

[Lovebug]

Day 1 (again)

 

This is horrible, I didn't even put myself out on the line, but I still feel dreadful. I did not tell him how I felt about anything. After 5 years he couldn't even acknowledge an email I sent or repeat his offer to help clean or anything. I sent it to be considerate and let him know what was going on and I have heard nothing from him in return and I know he would have received the email I sent pretty much immediately. Our time together clearly meant nothing, I know he would have replied to anyone else even if it was only out of courtesy. I feel I do not know who he is anymore at all. This hurts so much

[silversoul]

People, honestly, DO NOT GET IN TOUCH WITH THEM. I'm past 3 months of BU and I wish I didn't send him all these emails and texts.

When you get in touch with them you don't heal and they see you as a weak meek person, if knowing this helps you not to message them. Don't do it. Message me instead, if you'd like to.

[DreamySkies]

Crap He texted me out of the blue. I wasn't going to respond but his message said "Hey are you guys doing ok?" and I couldn't leave that alone.. The fighter in me didn't want him to think I was broken. I couldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking that I'm still so hurt I'm ignoring him so I wrote back "Yeah we're doing good." Back to day 1 tomorrow. Dammit

 

Your previous relationship sounds so similar to the one I have with my ex. I too have a child (8) and we too use to live together. Lastly, I love his mom to death too. His entire family sent Christmas gifts to my son and I, even thought it was nearly 6 weeks post breakup. It was thoughtful, but only made it hurt more. I'm sorry.

[DreamySkies]

I'm a royal mess. This no contact bull does NOT make it easier. In fact, I feel like I am more obsessed with the count "up" than I am with the healing.

 

I went into the weekend really struggling with the desire to reach out to him. The voices in my head telling me that our relationship was different and that there is something still here. Really, just about anything to have me picking up the phone moments away from typing out a text. Thankfully, I didn't.

 

Saturday I met up with a mutual friend of ours. I having actually met this friend (a guy) prior to meeting my ex boyfriend. So I consider him my friend, not a friend I met through my ex. Anyway, we both are going through a breakup. He and his ex gf were together for five years, but she wanted to get married and he isn't ready. End of story. I had planned on meeting him without discussing either of our ex's and instead that's all we did, for two hours! Even more upsetting is when we originally planned to meet, my friend told me he was going to a game that evening at 7. Once we met up he said that actually he was meeting my ex at 7 and that he was actually just up the street at another bar as we spoke. Oh and that my ex told my friend to say hello to me and hope I was doing well.... It crushed me. Knowing the ex was less than a block away and feeling expelled from his life.

 

To make matters even worse this friend is telling me that he knows my ex is struggling and is really upset. That everything, the timeline of events and how things have happened were so difficult on him. I agreed that the decision for him to break up with me was months in the making, and it wasn't just that one event, that last fight that propelled us to our end. So to feel one way and then have your fresh ex be diagnosed with cancer I know was hard on him. I can't really imagine his side, because I was the one being dumped and sick. He didn't leave me because I was sick, but he still chose to leave. Guess, I don't have to wonder if he only stayed because I was sick. This friend told me that I needed to be patient and give this time. I said does time mean? We've been broken up for three months now and i haven't spoken to him in nearly a month? Yet you want to tell me he is struggling?

 

He did confirm that he did believe it was his place to contact me and that I shouldn't reach out to him. I know that this friend, nor will anyone know what will happen between us. This friend can tell me all day that he knows ex loves me until he's blue in the face. All I know is that my ex does NOT want to be with me. Not now, not tomorrow. Never. Could that change, of course. But the known, is he does NOT want to be with me TODAY!

 

Yet I still sit here hoping he calls likes a 13 year old little girl. The way I felt after parting ways with my friend, made me realize how fragile I still am regarding all of this. Maybe it would have been different if he and I didn't talk about our ex's the whole evening. Who knows... "just give it time"....

[Monkey ai]

Day 1

 

I told him, do not contact unless he want to work on our relationship or he needs my help, this is second time that I told him... he still confused, and very selfishly contact me and hangout, as he have hard time to let it go... I have no solutions, as he doesn’t know his feelings to me...I told him I want a clean cut; let's just move on our life. I am going to move on, start go out...

[js0905]

Monday's bite....Ugh!!

 

Day 16 more than half way there, still concerned about Valentine's Day.

If he textes me I know I wont reply but if he doesn't it will hurt. I know it shouldn't and it would be for the best but...

 

Anyway, I now think that he is/was a player and I was just one of his harem girls. Probably already replaced by now.

[LilSprout]

34 days now. (65 if you add the previous month)

 

Strangely his friend contacted me the other day just to see how I was doing I did respond but kept it polite and very brief with absolutely no talking about the ex.

 

I'm starting to wonder if I feel I might be able to talk to my ex again but I don't know; I don't want to rush in. I think I might wait til after my therapy check up in March to make that decision.

[alr85]

All of the situations on here sound difficult but yours has touched me because it's similar to my own. Hearing that they're hurting doesn't make you hurt any less.. Maybe for a fleeting moment but more than anything all it does is compound the fact that they would rather choose hurting than choose you. It's really painful All I can say is that you should be gentle with yourself right now. I know everyone says now is the time to work on you but the only things that have worked for me while I grieve is letting myself off the hook for the things that were my fault in the relationship and being extra gentle with myself at this fragile time. Beating yourself up over the way it ended will only wound you and a wounded bird, while beautiful, isn't as inspiring. You are not comparable to a 13 year old girl. You fell in love and you got hurt. It feels the same at any age. Be raw and open and most of all forgive yourself. Seek out everything beautiful you can find. Read the helpful quotes on pinterest. Read the inspirational stories your friends post on facebook. Get a pedicure. Listen to the laughter of the people around you and even if you can't join in, appreciate what a great sound it is. If something makes you cry, set aside a time to cry about it. The fact that you've gone so long without contact is really a huge feat. Instead of looking at this as a countdown to when you can contact him again look at it as a count-up and feel the success at the end of another day when you were stronger than you ever thought you could be Hang in there cyber sister lol and for God's sake stop hanging out with that guy friend. A friendship with him isn't helping you heal, it's keeping you stagnant.

[alr85]

Day 1 all over again. I can at least celebrate knowing that even though I responded it was him who reached out and not me last night but alas I broke the NC rule. I found myself looking at his facebook last night (considering I had already broken NC) and I realized that I didn't see the man I fell in love with. I looked at my favorite picture of him where he was wearing the blue button up and jeans that I loved and instead of seeing the handsome, sexy man I used to know all I saw was a selfish, childish little boy and for a minute the ache was gone. He never expected I would be able to cut contact and knowing that I'm strong enough to do it makes me feel like this is really not bigger than me and I can conquer it-- even on the most difficult days. I've lost a little weight and spent some time working out when my little one goes to bed and it's funny how seeing my own life changing in good ways makes me less dependent on his approval of me. I just have to keep plowing forward.

[byanilla]

Hey you.

 

Yeah you. You know who I'm talking about. Ugh. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I just needed to vent. I just needed to admit to myself that after all of this time--it's been like, what, a year?...

 

I really just want to tell it to your face: I love you.

 

It's unrequited. I know that you wanted me to get over you. Great. I tried. It was hard, and I still can't remove you from my thoughts to this day. I'm attached. I need to talk to you every day. I miss you. I love you. Isn't it strange to fall in love with a friend? I can't believe that I would fall in love with you. I don't even know if this is love, but I think it is. You inspire me. You make me flourish.

 

You make me love.

 

I just wish that you loved me back the same way how I love you.

[TheGreatPotato]

Firstly, I'm new here, so hi! I've been lurking for a while, and I guess it finally felt like it was time to start posting myself. This NC challenge seems like a great place to start, too.

 

So, Day 1: This isn't the first time I've attempted NC, so I guess I'm getting used to the variety of emotions that accompany the first few days. I've been having some pretty strong mood swings throughout the day, from anger at her selfishness, to sadness for what I've lost, to yadayadayada, whine whine whine, but I'm happy to say that for the most part, I've been feeling quite good. There is definitely a certain level of relief that accompanies the knowledge that you don't need to contact them. If they want to talk to you, they will, and your time is better spent becoming the best version of yourself as possible. Whenever I've felt down about anything, I just remind myself that at the moment, nothing can be done. She's not interested in me, and why should she be? I've become horribly co-dependent, and far too reliant on her as a source of happiness, when really, my happiness should be internal. Maybe one day we will get back together, but right now I need to focus on becoming the sort of person that would be worth knowing; i.e, a happy person. It's also a slight relief to know that the last time I spoke to her I think I made a pretty damn great impression. This of course is not a guarantee that we will get back together, but surely it can't hurt to leave it on a good note before going NC indefinitely?

 

/rant.

[DreamySkies]

Thank you for your kind words. While my heart still hurts like a mo-fo, I am glad that I am relearning how to find pleasure in things old and new. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup, I couldn't function! So at least now, even with as devastating as a evening or days will be I am able to console myself and eventually bring myself out of it. Where as that initial funk lasted weeks with no relief. So I suppose I have made progress in healing...well, maybe not.

 

We're both back at Day 1. I'm holding myself accountable for my break in no contact. Although, my "contact" hasn't been received, yet. Maybe I never fully vested myself in the no contact agenda, which could be why I am struggling so much still. I entered NC thinking it would help dull the pain and I'd get bored and force myself to move forward...but I've continue to hold on to hope and the character of the man I know...err knew?! A recipe for disaster and even more heartache is more likely the outcome, but I've rationalized it with the thought process that it cannot get any worse than it already has. Literally.

 

In a span of three months I have been broken up with, dx with bladder cancer, moved out our rental and into my new place (the day after Christmas at that!), switched my sons entire life around from school to childcare, had to say goodbye to one of my dogs (he took one and I took one) and successfully (or for the moment) had two surgeries and weeks of chemo to combat the cancer. So really, what else could happen at this point that could possibly be any worse? Or so I tell myself.

 

Anyway, I have been struggling with how, if ever, I would reach out to him. Many ideas have come and simmered down... as with the desire (need) to reach out. Ultimately though my weakness was a simple hand written note on a piece of construction paper, no less. I said:

 

"X,

I miss my best friend.

Would you consider meeting up next weekend with the dogs for lunch? There

is so much I wish to say. However, I know only time and my actions will

say it best. -X"

 

With this note, I included a Snickers candy bar. Something significant to what we did throughout out relationship, or what we called it at least, and the joke of how w I couldn't even stand the candy bar when we first met. Simple and to the point.

 

I don't expect him to ignore it, as it's not his personality. Whether or not he'll agree to meet up, has me a little uncomfortable. It takes two to tango. However, when I look back at the two years with him, I was sabotaging the relationship from the beginning. I didn't know it then, it wasn't intentional, but from what I have learned about myself in the past three months has been eye opening. Even after my failed marriage, I never had any urge to work on myself. I blamed him and moved on with my son and life. Whether or not I should have done some self reflection or not, I have with this break up and it's been enlightening. Sure, throw in a scare of cancer and it'll zap anyone into overdrive...

 

So tomorrow he should get the letter, at his office.. fingers crossed his business partners are out of the office and he'll have the opportunity to open it in private. He's slow and calculated in everything he does, so unless this rips his heart open with undying love for me, I don't expect to hear anything for a few days.

 

So yeah... Day 1... I guess.

[Moe96]

2.5 relationship and we broke up on and off the last 5 months and we never solved the issues... well I didn't. Officially been broken up for 3 Months. We tried being friends but that ended awfully, she basically told me back the f*** off and we have no future. I told her I didn't love her anymore which I didn't mean, didn't even bother telling her I didn't mean that. Almost 1 month no contact. I still miss her alot. Didn't wish her happy birthday. Talking to a new dude but i have no idea if there's anything going on. That hurt me. Found out she went over his house on her birthday. Set me back a little but didn't go back to day 1. Still maintaining no contact and don't make eye contact in school. Wish I could show her I'm not the same person she knew and I've done alot of improvements on myself. Love the new improvements. Feel very confident about myself but not sending anything unless she does. No wishful thinking and No hoping.

[TheGreatPotato]

Day 2: feeling pretty damn great. It definitely helps to get out of the house with friends.