THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Blueleaf]

Welcome Blueleaf. I wish you the best in your quest.

 

Remember NC is hard and nobody is perfect. I couldn't agree more with you saying "If I run back to him, nothing will change and it will happen all over again." You're a smart cookie. In my experience I wanted to fight with him every time I felt upset about the breakup, but you soon learn that it only pushes them further away - and I doubt that's what most of us want.

 

Thank you, HoliPoli. This is a very interesting thread. I understand your "exit email" predicament. I can't count the number of times I've written emails to him of this nature and have ended up deleting them. No matter now much they've hurt you, It's very difficult to say goodbye.

[businessman]

Hey everyone!

 

I'm not sure if I've ever actually posted in a forum before, but I've been reading posts on this forum perhaps a little too often, and I think I'd like to share my situation. If anyone has any advice or input, I'd love to hear it!

 

First off, I'm a recent college grad (May 2011) and I'm now working as an international business development consultant. I've been stationed in Mexico for the last 4 months and will be moving again in January (most likely to the US or Australia for 6 months.

 

Anyway, just like many of you (and I'm realllllllllly glad I'm not the only one), I am struggling with a breakup.

 

My case isn't very different from many of the ones I've read on this site so far, but I would like to mentioned that I'm gay and this breakup involves a guy who is currently a junior at the university from which I graduated recently.

 

From the day we met last December, it was almost magical. We kind of jumped into things and never really gave ourselves a chance to be just friends. We met right before Winter break, and absolutely hit it off. He/his family lives in Massachusetts, and I lived in Maine during that time, but we both went to school about 1000 miles away in Georgia.

 

During the winter break, I went to visit him in Massachusetts and he came to Maine to visit me. We had an incredible time and I never felt like that before in my life. We're both very deep, complex people with our own various idiosyncracies, but we matched up so well.

 

Anyway, we both lived on campus and during the semester we were together (This was the last semester of my senior year, while it was the second semester of his sophomore year) we spent nearly every/day night together. He always said he wanted more space, but for some reason, I had a hard time giving that to him.

 

Eventually, we began to have "tiffs." These tiffs were ALWAYS about stupid things... such as if he woudl come over for the night, or if we would get lunch, or what the plan was for the day. We never had any disagreements about major theories, ideas, positions, or views. On paper, we were pretty much perfect.

 

I began being very close with his sophomore friends, as we spent much more time at his dorm than at my own. He's friends with mostly straight guys, and I was happy to find someone who also enjoyed doing more "masculine" things, because neither of us are "typical gays" (not trying to be judgmental here, but I'm kind of horrified by the image of "gay" that the media perpetuates).

 

As I mentioned before, he kept on wanting to have some more space, and I would battle him like you have no idea. If i were him (as I look back on it now), I would've broken up with me in a month... but for some reason, he kept on sticking with me. I'll never forget the first time he told me he loves me... and after that, I shared my heart with him. He became the one person on this planet who truly knew me, understood me, and loved me for who I was. I never opened up to anyone like I have opened up to him.

 

 

Anyway, we still continued to fight very often, and it even got to a point where our fights included words like " * * * * you." Little things would set me off... I have very high anxiety and freak out for no reason. 80% of the time, these tiffs were my fault, and I wont be the first to admit that I had a lot of growing up to do.

 

Nonethless, we were in love, and we both knew it. It got towards the end of the year and I decided to take a job that would bring me to Mexico for 6 months. We had had SO SO SO many fights, and because ofthis, we really didn't know if our relationship was strong enough to withstand long distance. I left for Mexico on July 1st, and by July 14th, we were broken up.

 

 

when I left for mexico, I had such a hard time being without him. I called/texted him ALL the time and never gave him the opportunity to miss me.

 

I was down right vicious to this poor guy. I had all these issues that came up the first two weeks I was in MExico, and it was like I expected him to solve everything, and when he didn't meet expectations, I absolutely let him know. Then one day, we got into a BIg fight via text message, and he told me to read my email. Inside was a break up letter, saying that he wouldn't be able to stand a relationship like this for 2 years.

 

 

Anyway, after that, I still continued to contact him EVERy day for months. I could tell he missed me... he still contact me out of the blue too, but I was definitely the one to mostly initiate contact. I still relied on him for everything after we broke up.

 

I thought there was a chance for us to get back together if I kept on bombarding him (I have NO idea what I was thinking.) He still would tell me that he missed our physically intimate times, and that he wanted me to send him pictures of me and the like. I decided to plan a trip for Labor Day (September 3-6) to go to visit our school, with the intention of showing him that I was still perfect for him.

 

 

I remember he told me that he wanted to have sex during this time,but he didn't want a relationship with me, and he didn't want me to think that physical intimacy would mean anything more than it was.

 

I knew that the second he would see my face, he would forget about everything that happened between us.... and when I went to visit, that's exactly what happened. The second I saw him, it was magical again. He had me stay over every single night during my vacation, we sletp in the same bed, cuddled, and acted completely like a couple.

 

the last night, he told me "it's not like there's not anything between us." that made my day, absolutely.

 

When I got back to mexico, he was ALWAYS asking to call/txt. I could tell he wanted me so badly, and that i REALLY impressed him during my trip. But then, I started going back to the same old behaviors (constnatly calling/texting/bombarding.)

 

My behavior simply WASN'T attractive. I was needy, compulsive, obsessive, and would sit by my phone for hours waiting to hear from him.

 

 

ONe thing I didn't mention was that during the entire time, he still said "I love you/miss you" to me.

 

Then finally, there was a day when I was "okay, we can't just be in this state of limbo... we need to either work on things or have a real break." his decision was to have a real break up, and I tried to fight it/beg/do ALL the wrong things.

 

Since this day, he has not said I love you to me.

 

We've definitely had some tiffs lately, and he has said he wants some space.... I don't text him nearly as much as I used to ... but I still conact him often (a few times a week.)

 

 

 

I've been reading these forums like crazy, and I want this to be the LEGITIMATE start to no contact. I've tried so many times in the past, but when I see him online, I can't help myself. I always have to contact him. I want to disappear and let him miss me. It's going to be hard, but I know I can do it with your support.

 

 

Thanks for reading everyone!!

[businessman]

I also forgot to mention that he is in a rebound "thing" right now. I know he met the guy (who is a hairdresser....... honestly???) a few weeks ago, and he tells me they are "happily dating" ... but I'm not sure how serious he is about it.

 

I think he will need this rebound to realize how much more substantial a relationship could be with me. I understand him, and even though I didn't give him exactly what he needed in our relationship, I will grow up, become more mature, more patient, and be able to connect with him better than before.

 

(Also, I don't mean to judge male hairdressers.... but my ex dating this new hairdresser guy makes me feel like my ex is truly just looking to have fun and not be too serious.... My ex is really, really, really smart and I know he needs someone who matches him intellectually... and while I don't know this hairdresser guy, I have a feeling that he may not be exactly what my ex is looking for)

[HoliPoli]

Hellooo businessman.

 

I read it all and wish you luck as this seems it's going to be a very hard task.

 

I'm not a complete advocate for NC, but I do agree it's needed whether you want to heal completely and move on or attempt to get your ex back.

 

Imagine yourself in his shoes for a second and his ex (you) whom he has clearly cared about in the past and can't deny he has chemistry with just "drops off the face of the earth." It's going to make him wonder why you got so quiet and what could you possibly be doing etc. Now what I am an advocate for is the "less is more" theory. He's your ex (even if temporarily) so he doesn't need to know everything you're doing or not doing. And trust me he KNOWS you miss/love/want him so there's no need to constantly badger (and I use that word LOOSELY.)

 

It seems you know you did "ALL the wrong things" and I know it's hard not to. I'm guilty of it also. Turn those around and start doing the "right" things. First, and I know it's hard, is to forget about his rebound because those NEVER last. Who knows what he's thinking or even if it's true. And if it is true the only way for him to realize it's a mistake with the hairdresser is by experiencing that mistake, not by being told his messing up.

 

Please keep arms and legs inside the forum at all times and remember to BREATHE.

 

Write all his info down on a piece of paper and put it somewhere you won't see it all hours of the day. Put it in a pair of shoes you only wear occasionally, then delete all and I mean ALL of his contact info from your phone/computer etc. And just remember to post here whatever you're feeling all hours of the day.

[businessman]

Thanks HoliPoli, I really appreciate your advice. It's definitely time to start doing all the right things. He definitely does not need to know what I'm doing at all times of the day, and I need to be mysterious enough so that he does in fact wonder about me / miss me.

 

I wish I could just delete all of his contact information.... We mostly would text/call/chat on facebook/AIM.... but I know his number by heart, I know his screen name... and I have blocked/deleted/gone through all the shenanigans, but I keep on unblocking/putting his number back in my phone...

 

I even once got rid of text messaging on my phone simply becuase I didn't want to keep texting him and ruining my chances.

 

 

 

The hardest part for me is sticking to no contact. I've made the no contact pledge SO many times... I can't even count. But at most, I've stuck to it for 4 days. Last time I really tried no contact, I called him after four days and he sounded happy to hear my voice... and at the end of the phone call he said "thanks for calling!"

that make me quite happy

 

however, for days after that I kept texting and texting and not letting him live his own life.

 

 

What are some of your strategies for avoiding contact? I know everyone says to work on yourself (go to the gym, do things you've always found to be important)... but honestly, it makes me think about him more.

 

I've read so many guides about getting your ex back and about how to get over an ex.... but I think what's making this difficult is that i don't want to be over him. I understand that it would be SUCH a good idea to forget about him and just move on, but it's just so difficult! agh!! haha

[businessman]

Also, I'm someone who updates my facebook a lot... a lot of status updates/pictures and such. I want my ex to miss me and not really know what I'm doing, but I don't want to block him on facebook because it's quite immature I think.

 

I was thinking of just making it so that he could only see my info and a few pictures, but then I know he would go on one of his friends' facebook pages and look for me, and then realize that I only made it private for him.

 

 

Any suggestions about the facebook issue?

[Springs]

Day 1

 

The longest NC has been 11 days before I broke it. Strangely enough those days were hard but I could see some light and made it my priority to focus on moving on and becoming stronger. I love him, but contact with him only hurts because he confuses me. He can be so hot and cold. One minute I am everything to him and he will always love me, the next I am ignored and discarded. He doesn't know what he wants.

[HoliPoli]

Well since my breakup almost 3 weeks ago I've painted and redecorated a bedroom, painted the foyer, refinished a hardwood floor- as a girl who's never been able to rely on a man I get to do these things myself, and just tried to relax aside from all that and get some rest. I can't go out with anyone because severe anxiety hits and all I want to do is go home. I've had a few lunches with friends, small things like that but I'm not very interactive with anyone.

 

And... wait for it... i don't exactly use NC to it's fullest extent. The longest I've gone w/o contact is 4 days and by God I'm proud of those 4 days. =D

 

Today is a NC day for me because he and I had been texting back and forth the last 2 days and I don't want to be too available/clingy/needy. I want to remain a mystery or at least make him think he's been replaced.

 

I don't know what I want with him at this point, but I'd love for his thought process to be decoded, as in WHY on earth would he start being nice to m? I'm just letting it play out and staying as calm and collective as possible. If this is some sort of joke on this end I will have him castrated.

[HoliPoli]

Also, I'm someone who updates my facebook a lot... a lot of status updates/pictures and such. I want my ex to miss me and not really know what I'm doing, but I don't want to block him on facebook because it's quite immature I think.

 

I was thinking of just making it so that he could only see my info and a few pictures, but then I know he would go on one of his friends' facebook pages and look for me, and then realize that I only made it private for him.

 

 

Any suggestions about the facebook issue?

 

Carry on as you normally do. And it's not immature to delete him. If its anything to help you heal then it's the right thing to do. Put yourself first. Right now he has no idea what you're planning so don't make it easy for him to find out. I removed my ex from everything.

[HoliPoli]

Day 1

 

The longest NC has been 11 days before I broke it. Strangely enough those days were hard but I could see some light and made it my priority to focus on moving on and becoming stronger. I love him, but contact with him only hurts because he confuses me. He can be so hot and cold. One minute I am everything to him and he will always love me, the next I am ignored and discarded. He doesn't know what he wants.

 

The hardest thing for me to do is pretend I don't care. Of course I still love the douchebag, but I don't want him knowing that.

[Springs]

We will get there, because we have to

[HoliPoli]

I'm feeling a little panicky atm. All the memories hit me. We shared so much.

[Blueleaf]

It's only temporary, you'll remind yourself soon why he doesn't deserve your time and attention. I like to keep those memories close to my heart at time think these, I find it helps.

[HoliPoli]

Just got a text saying "Thank you for being awesome."

 

I'm mad and confused. Does this mean I'm the best ex girlfriend ever cause I leave him alone? I'm not drama for him so he's happy?

 

I'll be sure to go right out and celebrate.

 

I want to lie in bed and cry, but I have a 5 year old to take care of and can't break down.

[jeepman41]

To all you NC newbies, I know you are hurting because I've been there. You keep breaking NC because you think the person will forget you and move and that is the last thing you want. Remember that NC is NOT about bringing your ex back, it is about healing yourself. They may or may not come back and you need to prepare yourself mentally for that simple fact.

 

But if you use NC to grow stronger and get over the relationship it can be your best tool. The ex is like and addiction and you have to break it. Of course there will be withdrawal symptoms. There will be some days it will almost be unbearable to go on and you will wonder if you can. NC will test your resolve. Some of us fall into the pattern of starting NC, then start to miss their ex and have to find some way to get back in contact with them. When there is contact, instead of hearing what you most desired you get bread crumbs, nothing or a negative response.

 

Don't devalue yourself in this manner. Stop and think logically(if that's possible),you made it before you met this person and you can darn well make it without them. Never make another person the sole purpose of your happiness. Happiness comes from within yourself not from outside.

[HoliPoli]

Thank you Jeepman

[jeepman41]

You are welcome HoliPoli. I hope that my words will help to encourage someone who is experiencing PBUS. It will get better in time and you will get stronger. You just have to have a little mental tenacity and some intestinal fortitude. But I reiterate...it's not easy but the rewards are worth the sacrifice.

[Notagoodninja]

Thank you Jeepman

 

Yes thank you!

[Notagoodninja]

Break up 30 days...

No contact 29 days...

But have not seen you for almost 31 days in the next hour...WOW a MONTH

The longest we've gone was almost 3 weeks so prob 20 days in the past

Do you remember the last night we had sex? When I actually wore an outfit for you- my fishnet stockings,

anyway...only 23 more months to go until my heart is whole.

[northpickle]

Thank you, this helped a lot

 

Day 21

 

Goodness, 3 weeks since I saw your face. And what jeepman said is right, I lived 27 years of my life not knowing you even existed and I managed OK! I do often think that I wish we hadn't ever met because you've completely flipped my world upside down and I'm struggling to get the control back, but getting there slowly. I didn't think that another person could do that to me, I've never really experienced that before. And I'm hardly a kid! I'm trying to be rational and realise that you just didn't love me like I loved you but you seemed to live with an inner struggle. Like when you said "at times I thought you were the one for me"...jeez, I was certain that I wanted to be with you always! I was certain! But I never said anything of the sort as not to be too heavy on you.

 

I went out last night and got stupidly drunk, tried to have fun and then the emptiness hit me again and I came home. And all the men that showed me attention just made me feel bad, because I still only want you. I don't want anybody to dance with me, to touch me, only you I feel so sad and stupid, you seriously were all I ever wanted and I don't know why

[HoliPoli]

Day 1

 

I don't want to talk about it.

[Swift]

Day 1

 

It's been 7 months since my break-up. We had stayed friends ( just means we didn't have an argument that ended it ) and in a weird way helped each other through the months of April and May. Naturally, contact has lessened and lessened. A few things for me just to record ( just so I can come back and see how I was feeling on this day ), we stayed in touch and she kept a key for the apartment initially in case she needed to come back and get stuff that she had forgotten which she never did. In the initial stages I forwarded on mail, redirected calls and sent through stuff on the computer which she needed for work. Cut a long-story short I found out about 6 weeks ago that she's moved on with someone else and I think it set me back, mostly because I know that at this stage I still couldn't be intimate with someone and wondered if the two years we spent together or her words upon moving out that I was the 'kindest person she had known' and that 'no-one had done more for her' were worth anything ? I texted her about a month back asking her to please send out her key cos I knew that it was the missing piece of the jigsaw. It's taken her a month to do that and it arrived first-thing this morning. Symbolically it's closure in the sense that it's the last time we NEED to contact each other to get things back, or confirm changes of address etc so I'm starting NC today because I deserve better and for my own well-being I need to move on.

[HoliPoli]

Welcome Swift

[Blueleaf]

Welcome Swift,

 

I'm no longer the newbie YAY! Sorry to hear about your ex. When I first got together with my ex, he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3 years. I couldn't understand at the time now he could be with someone for three years, and then be physically intimate with someone else so soon after. Turns out the next 12 months I spent with him would largely envolve him talking about her and slowly falling apart infront of me. I hope I was a help for him, a support as such, he just needed someone there... but he was far from over her. I wouldn't worry about your ex's new thing... it probably wont last and it doesn't mean she doesn't care anymore. It's just her way of trying to move on.

 

DAY 2

I've thought about him less today, but I miss him more in a way. Part of me wants to text him and tell him I don't want us to end on bad terms, but I feel it's too soon. Our emotions are still raw. I know he's still angry with me. Perhaps it's best left alone for the time being.

[Swift]

Thanks for your warm welcomes HoliPoli and Blueleaf.

 

 

Even reading what you're all going through makes me know that I'm not alone and straight away I feel better. I hope I can do that for others.

 

Thanks for your kind words, Blueleaf. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I had a similar experience to that many years ago and it irked me because I think I'm a decent judge of character and I got it all wrong...and if I'm brutally honest fell in lust with this particular person who was still very in love with her ex so I had to just chalk it up to experience and hope never to repeat that mistake again.