THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[katzenjammer]

i have not made contact with my ex for 1 month as of today. he broke up with me over the holidays (or i guess you could say i broke up with him -- but he asked for an open relationship which left me no alternative); the relationship was long distance. we were together 4 years total and have been in different countries (me in Japan him in the US) for the past 1.5 years, but we managed to spend 5 months of that time together, and he was supposed to be coming to stay with me for 3 months in march.

 

he has since picked up and moved to argentina. he posts on his online journal almost everyday and i can't help but think that's his way of staying in contact with me (though i never post on mine) because he knows i am the only one who reads it, and he hasn't posted in it for 3 years. he wanted to remain 'best friends' for my remaining time here and suggested we get back together when i came back to the states. but to me that was basically the same as an open relationship so i said no and that i didn't want contact. in the past month i ignored his 30th birthday and despite the fact he wrote to wish me happy birthday after that, i didn't respond or even say thank you.

 

for some reason, i feel really guilty about not even responding to say thank you, but of course it would be weird if i did it now, a week later. i really love him, but even just getting the happy birthday email from him made me cry after i thought i had been doing better for a few weeks. do you think it was rude of me to not even respond and say thank you, since he wrote even after i ignored his birthday?

 

like many people have posted on here, i also fear that he will forget me if i maintain no contact, but i also know that if he does forget me it means it wasn't meant to be anyway.

[Helpmetoheal]

Not even sure what day this is, but I can say its been a really hard week. I miss you so much and my heart hurts. I still don't understand how this is so easy for you? You consume my every action and thought, I know its not right but I can't seem to make it stop. I read books, I check the internet for solutions and ideas to help. They seem sound and wise but I don't know how to put them into practice in "my life". We live so close to each other I can't help but notice you have friends round on a Friday night while I am alone. I truly have nobody and it hurts me so much. Why did I let you be my everything??? How do I recover? I walk around my house and see memories of our life together, walk out on the deck and see us sharing a drink in front of the fire place. You get to go back to your house and are able to put it all out of your mind. I need to move from here but I am trapped, no job, no extra income to support the move I need to make. Its not getting easier, its getting harder. I have so much idle time which allows these unhealthy ruminations to float around me, for example, 'what if I was sick, would he feel sorry for me and come back?" "maybe I should make up a story to draw him back in". What the hell is wrong with me???? Why can't I let go? He doesn't love you anymore, get it through your head and have some dignity. Easier said than done. More time passes and I keep diluting myself in thinking that its a good thing, maybe he WILL truly miss and want to come back to our life. Sometimes thats the only thing that gets me through my day. Unhealthy I know. The weekends really suck! There are alot of things I could and should be doing but I am not. As soon as that task is done, I am back to the same lonely place with my dark thoughts. Sometimes I get angry, I want to blame you for my misery, its easier than telling myself the truth. Truth being that only I can be responsible for how I react to things. At least I recognize it, but seem unable or unwilling to do anything about it. Well, I think I got most of it out, sorry to the person who dared to read this post LOL! It was all about me!

[crabman]

Well, I think I got most of it out, sorry to the person who dared to read this post LOL! It was all about me!

 

no worries!

 

it´s helping a lot to do/try/buy new things, like a new haircut, new clothes, new style(?), redecorating your flat, voluntary work (especially with people who are doing worse then you), joining a sportsteam, something that keeps you busy and gets you new people in your life..

 

and keep in mind there are so many people on earth right now who feel exact the same.. and all of us will get through this!..

 

all the best!

[saracen31]

3 weeks since breakup and Day 10 of no contact here. Never begged when she broke up with me, although I'd tightened my grip a bit in the month preceding our breakup as I could see things slipping away and that rubbed her the wrong way. Only post-breakup mistake was being a little annoying the first time I ran into her at a pub, trying to get her to talk to me - which she did not.

 

Have seen her a couple times post-breakup in pubs and have tried to be cordial and say hello but she walks away without a word - probably because she is seeing a guy 22 years older than she is now and doesn't want me to interfere - which I won't. She'd even told me during our relationship that she wanted to get with this guy because he's old, unhappy, and she wants to show him life is worth living. What kind of woman does that? Ran into her at a store the other day - she had parked her car next to mine and was entering the store as I was leaving. Her look said "don't open your mouth" and neither of us said a word.

 

Contacted her 10 days ago via email with just a "hey, how are things?" and never got a response.

 

Killing me not to contact her and have almost done so several times, but she's obviously moved on. I have to do the same. It would serve no purpose and I'm sure I would not get a response back and would only antagonize her more.

 

You told me once you had cut ties with your whole family for 10 years - I guess it's not a thing at all to cut ties with me. I chose not to see the person you really are - you're a mess.

[apple89]

day 30!.. and broke NC.. i texted him a hi, he answered imidiately, he apologized and said he didnt want me to hate him, i apologized back, asked me about me, how was school, my social life, and when i was going home.. we texted for 3 hours about how our lifes were..didnt talk about our relationship.... im good im not heart broken.. but that conversation reminded me of our old days.. hes back othe guy i fell for, that wonderful cearing guy not the monster narcisistic guy he became when he broke up with me.. i dont know if its good or bad.. i guess i kinda opened that door to a possible reconcilation.. who knows, however im back to NC.. until he contacts me.. if i try talking to him it will make me lose all the power i gained over this month. and he will regain power over me, and i dont wanna be there ever again.... im not gonna be in the friend zone bc i obviously still have feelings for this guy.. but at least that barrier of hate between me and him is gone.. and now.. i guess time will determine whats we will happen next..

 

i think that although i didnt get over him completely over this 30 day NC challenge.. i gained alot of things i could have not gained if i would of kept contact.. it would of made the realtionship more complicated, push him even further away, make me feel worse.. i gained power over myself and my own feelings, i started focusing on my own self, i started reconecting with my friends, i enjoyed myself without having to be sad with the feeling of his absence.. i gave him his time to forget about our bad moments, i started reflecting about what really went wrong and stopped blaming myself for everything,in a way i did move on.. doenst mean i stopped loving him.. but i did move on from all those emotions i had from breaking up.. i moved on with my life, left the relationship in the past, and not make it my present..

 

i dont know if we will get back anytime soon.. but im glad im in a such a great position right now. and im continuing NC.. i tought i wasnt gonna have the guts to ever talk to him again, i kinda swallowed my own pride, and im glad he said sorry.. for every one starting NC.. i know its hard, but trust me, even if u still have feelings at the end of NC, it will make u a better person, and this is more important than having him or her back, because nothing is better in this world, then beeing ok with yourself.. dont do this to gain them back, do this to heal, if you dont heal, they will never come back

 

im back to NC!

[Janeiac]

Good for you, apple. It looks like you got the best possible result: you got yourself back, and you opened the door to friendly communication with your ex. Take it slow, and keep on doing what you are doing.

 

I'd be grateful for an apology from my ex, although I don't expect it.

[Helpmetoheal]

Thank you for the kid words crabman! worries!

 

it´s helping a lot to do/try/buy new things, like a new haircut, new clothes, new style(?), redecorating your flat, voluntary work (especially with people who are doing worse then you), joining a sportsteam, something that keeps you busy and gets you new people in your life..

 

and keep in mind there are so many people on earth right now who feel exact the same.. and all of us will get through this!..

 

all the best!

[deff808]

I'm back to NC

 

Im an idiot, text her last night Hi at 9pm, she texted back and hr later " Hi, sorry my phone died, we were at dinner, good night!"

I ignored it

 

Ughh... This is so diffcult

[saracen31]

Day 11 - you've got a big performance tonight and it will be the first I've missed in a year. I wish I could watch you up on that stage again and talk to all the minor celebs hanging around. It made me feel special. But you've got someone else, you never even gave the breakup time. A brutal brutal day of wanting to text you, facebook you, email you, all day. But I've made it. I will not give in.

[Ely]

Day 2 NC

 

Ignoring your text...

[toofaced12]

Day 21.

 

Past few days have been good ones. But today my friend texted me (who is a good friend of my ex's) asking me if I had talked to my ex lately. He told me maybe I should see how he's doing and text him, because apparently he's been drinking a lot since we broke up! My friend also said that he talks about me non stop when he's drunk. Blahh, not sure why he had to go and tell me this, but he must be really concerned to have told me it. So far i've decided not to text him, even though i am worried, not sure what to do here!!! He broke up with me, its been 2 months almost, so not sure why he's acting like this!

[Janeiac]

30 days is not enough.

On Day 30, X contacted me (I did not pick up.) He yelled at me on voicemail over having left the last of his things at his front door-- and telling me to call him.

As I was mulling this over, trying to figure out what to say, I realized I'm still upset. I'm still hurt, and I'm still angry, and he just made me more upset.

I am so not ready.

I'm keeping NC indefinitely. If he contacts me saying something nice in the future, I will at that point consider replying. Until then, it's all about me, and getting my own happiness on my own for myself.

[Starrgrl]

Approx a week or so till 3 months NC

 

 

Lol it's so much easier this time around.

[apple89]

thanks janeiac.. its harder now to keep NC though now seen the good guy again it makes me wanna have more of his atention.. before when he was so mean and cruel it just made me wanna run away from him in order to not get hurt, so NC was really easy... i hope i dont regret breaking NC and that it all turns out for good

 

as of your ex yelling at you.. jsut dont answer, my ex said horrible things to me hurt me soo much... time will show them they were wrong, not our words or our actions.. keep being strong with NC and time will make it all better for both of you..

 

awww NC is sooo hardddddd now

[Ely]

Day 3 NC

 

X called but I didn't answer.

[simplyme01]

NC Day 7

 

I don't know why today is so difficult. I think I've been doing ok. Keeping busy, spending time with family & friends, spending time alone. I really thought I was moving on. I haven't cried in a week Today...I don't know what's come over me. I miss him so much & want to text or call him. I know I won't. But the urge is so strong. I guess it's confusing how I can have several good days & then all of a sudden I feel like I'm starting all over again. I want to stop missing him. It's going on 2 months since I last saw him & yes we have had contact in between, some bad, some not so bad. I KNOW we both still care...this sucks!!! I am certain I won't contact him. But I just don't understand this emotional roller coaster...great one day, not so great the next

[Moonchill]

NC day... I lost count

I'm not looking back anymore to figure out which day of NC this is.

 

I've had a busy, active weekend. It's been good for me.

But now I'm tired and I feel withdrawn...

There are a lot of things that remind me of him.

In that short amount of time that we had together I have a few precious memories so bumping into things that remind me of that ,which I did a lot yesterday, makes me feel nostalgic, bút nostalgic in a good way.

 

When you are hurt from a break-up you almost forget the good times you had with each other.

Ofcourse I don't have a lót of good memories, because it was not a very long lasting relationship,

but the ones I have make me smile instead of cry now.

 

Woohoo,progression!

 

 

 

 

For those who failed to maintain No Contact..

 

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

[awakened]

Day 15...this feels so wrong as much as it feels so right. No part of me desires to move on. I am hoping to give her space and I am hoping she will miss me and call me at some point. I know this is not how one is supposed to look at it, but I believe in our relationship. I hope i can become a better man in this process.

[Ely]

Day 4 NC

 

It's a hard day, I tried to stay busy with friends and family, but The X was in my mind a lot. He called me twice but I ignored both calls. I know he's nothing important to say, so I rather not pay mind to it.

[saracen31]

I've picked up that phone to call you so many times these past couple days. But it won't happen.

[ninicette]

NC Day 19

 

Here I am , 19 days ! I thought i would never been able to stay that long without contacting him. I feel beter but still I am not yet moving from that story with him. I have token an important step, to tell my friends how hurt I feel and that i am doing NC. They have been all encouraging me and comforting me. It helped me a lot. I feel anger, because I see how naive I have been.

 

22 days ago we have spent vacation togheter, we had a great time, but I deciced to go NC because that FWB relationship was not good for me.

I did NC without telling him or talking about it and I have seen that during 19 days , he tried to contact me only twice by text.

He never called to ask about me, never wondered what happened . Without NC I would have been contacting him daily to ask about him, I would probably suggest him to go out and do things toghether. And now that i have opened my eyes, I see that if I dont initiate the contact, he doesn't care. It hurts so much , but in the same time i am glad i stopped that unhealthy relationship.

 

I feel stronger but I am not healed yet, I still hope to see his message, his calls. I still think of him too much. I hope that with days , I would be able to get him out of my mind. I need him to contact me, even I won't answer, I feel that need ...... I don't know why.

[simplyme01]

Day 8 NC

 

Good days & bad. The bad days are getting easier. I still miss him every day, but I seldom cry & the heaviness in my chest is gone. Like some of you, I wonder what he's doing & if he misses me. I have a busy week planned, that helps.

[anthony4]

milestone! day 30

[Janeiac]

A few days ago I hit the 30 day mark. I left he last of X's things on his porch, to avoid contact, and sort of make it official within my mind. He contacted me yelling about it. I waited 4 days to reply, to give him and me both time to calm down. I decided to ignore what I didn't like, and focus on the positive, which is that he had said he missed me in a birthday message 2 weeks before, and that he wanted me to call him, and he was objecting to my not having respondied to him.

I'm glad I did call, although it wasn't (I wasn't) as cheerful as I'd tried. I wound up venting for about 45 minutes, and he let me. He says he is sorry and misses me and loves me. I don't know if it means anything, I don't know if what I said made any impact, but I feel much better. I've both let go and opened the door for him to come back to me. If he chooses to, I will know it's because he really wants to, and I won't have to worry if he is for real. If he does not, I'll know I am better off without a guy who isn't that into me.

Wow, I feel better.

[crushedlikefruit]

This is huge progress Jane, congrats!