THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[wai]

count me in. If checking his FB counts as breaking NC, then I'm still in day 1. I can't help it.

[wildestkabs]

count me in. If checking his FB counts as breaking NC, then I'm still in day 1. I can't help it.

 

To each his own. Depends on what your definition of NC is. NC means "No contact". Question for you guys is - when you view somebody's profile on fb, do you contact them, or do they know you viewed their profile? The answer to both questions is no.

 

So why the heck would you consider that as breaking NC then? I wouldn't.

[Islandia]

Joining this thread - Day 6 of NC and coming to terms with it. I realized today that during the last year of my relationship, I was existing without really living life. I have some major goals to accomplish both personal and professional and was sort of putting them on hold while I "waited" for our wedding day to arrive. Now they are no longer on the back-burner. As I was doing my daily 7 mile jog, I thought to myself, at day 90 of NC, I will be in incredible shape, and when that day arrives, I'm going to spend the money I would have used on her birthday present to do some modeling photography for myself.

[Eddie37]

Day 16 of No Contact done. Still really hard. I miss her, I love her, I want her back.

 

Regarding the checking of Facebook, people...don't do it...just don't. I know it's so easy, just a click of the mouse...but it is contact. It's you contacting your ex's personal space, personal thoughts, actions and words. By checking fb, you're doing nothing but setting yourself back. I've had to learn the hard way...but you have to de-friend them if you want your no contact to be successful for YOU. De-friend them...and block them. just my two cents.

[wildestkabs]

Regarding the checking of Facebook, people...don't do it...just don't. I know it's so easy, just a click of the mouse...but it is contact. It's you contacting your ex's personal space, personal thoughts, actions and words. By checking fb, you're doing nothing but setting yourself back. I've had to learn the hard way...but you have to de-friend them if you want your no contact to be successful for YOU. De-friend them...

 

Now the "de-friending" part I would agree with. If you and your ex have broken up, no reason for you to be friends on FB.

 

Not sure whether "contacting your ex's personal space, personal thoughts, actions and words", counts as a true contact. Two people have to be involved for a contact. I would do this only if the goal for the NC was to heal and if I was not open to a reconciliation down the road. That is when I would completely get the ex out of my life.

 

 

and block them.

 

Again, I would say, it depends. What is your objective with the NC? Healing yourself? Then block them.

 

Healing yourself and open to reconciling in the future? Then delete them from your friend's list but what purpose would blocking them serve? You want to leave them alone but you want to let a few doors open for them without letting them know that you have done so.

 

Again, just my opinion. You guys can consider checking out your ex's fb as breaking NC, I won't, simply because she doesn't know. I am not contacting her in any way, shape or form. As far as she is concerned, she hasn't heard from me in 18 days now.

[Eddie37]

You want to leave them alone but you want to let a few doors open for them without letting them know that you have done so.

That just sounds an awful lot like manipulation. Trying to manipulate your ex's emotions by allowing them to view your fb posts in hopes that they will walk back into your life. "hey, read my fb posts to see how happy I am, how well I'm doing without you, how wonderfully I'm moving on". It's manipulation and it's probably fake.

 

The only open door the dumper should walk back through is the one where they realize, in their heart, that they love you and want to be with you and nothing will stop them from attempting to reconcile. Just my humble opinion, of course.

[wildestkabs]

That just sounds an awful lot like manipulation. Trying to manipulate your ex's emotions by allowing them to view your fb posts in hopes that they will walk back into your life. "hey, read my fb posts to see how happy I am, how well I'm doing without you, how wonderfully I'm moving on". It's manipulation and it's probably fake.

 

Hmmm. Interesting. I never realized that you could "manipulate" someone into loving you, or wanting to come back into your life. This is a first and a new one, I must say.

 

Just for the record, I never talked about letting them view your facebook, or your posts. My ex is not on my friend's list on FB and she cannot see anything, no pictures, no posts nothing. I have left the option of sending a message to me open, so if she is interested down the line, she has that channel (you would probably think that's "manipulation"). Even if I did not want her 6 months down the line, I would still not block her because she is not a bad person and who knows, we might be friends. Blocking someone is a knee-jerk reaction and childish.

 

Not sure where you got that from. I merely questioned the logic that you had of blocking them. My point was that before you consider blocking them, you should look at your overall objective and what you want to accomplish. Blocking someone just because they decided to move on is childish. It might suit you but it doesn't mean it is good for everyone. Someone else's break up situation might be different from yours and they might have a better chance of getting back together. My break up situation was different from yours and I would never block my ex. Please don't try to twist my words to your convenience.

 

The only open door the dumper should walk back through is the one where they realize, in their heart, that they love you and want to be with you and nothing will stop them from attempting to reconcile. Just my humble opinion, of course.

 

Yes, that is what I meant all along. The dumper has to come back on their own. They have to make that choice, that decision. You can't "manipulate" them to come back. But when (if) they do decide to come back, wouldn't you want to have a few doors open for them to come back to you, or to contact you? How the heck is the dumper supposed to come back if all doors to a possible reconciliation have been completely shut?? You would probably think that leaving a door or two open is "manipulating", since you would probably expect them to find, or create doors on their own. To me, that approach comes accross as selfish and self-fulfilling, something which boosts one's ego and gives them a false sense of pride. Sounds like punishing the dumper.

[wai]

Day 16 of No Contact done. Still really hard. I miss her, I love her, I want her back.

 

Regarding the checking of Facebook, people...don't do it...just don't. I know it's so easy, just a click of the mouse...but it is contact. It's you contacting your ex's personal space, personal thoughts, actions and words. By checking fb, you're doing nothing but setting yourself back. I've had to learn the hard way...but you have to de-friend them if you want your no contact to be successful for YOU. De-friend them...and block them. just my two cents.

 

I de-friended him long time ago on FB. I blocked him from my gtalk a month ago. But I know his FB password and he's on my other gtalk account. I keep logging into his account. I can also read his gtalk status by making my gtalk invisible. It's just so tempting.

[wildestkabs]

I de-friended him long time ago on FB. I blocked him from my gtalk a month ago. But I know his FB password and he's on my other gtalk account. I keep logging into his account. I can also read his gtalk status by making my gtalk invisible. It's just so tempting.

 

You should avoid doing all this in my opinion. This will prevent you from moving on, or at least slow you down for sure.

 

I know it is tough but try not to do it. It's for your own good.

[wai]

You should avoid doing all this in my opinion. This will prevent you from moving on, or at least slow you down for sure.

 

I know it is tough but try not to do it. It's for your own good.

 

 

 

yes... thank you. I'll do it.

[Eddie37]

Take it easy with the ultra-defensiveness, I'm on your side. We are where we are in our journey through breakup. I'm in a different place than you, that's obvious. I want my ex back too, and if she has a change of heart and wants to come back, which is what every dumpee wants to see from their ex, then she can text, call, email, send a letter, or any other of the various ways to communicate in this modern world without the use of Facebook.

[wildestkabs]

Take it easy with the ultra-defensiveness, I'm on your side. We are where we are in our journey through breakup. I'm in a different place than you, that's obvious. I want my ex back too, and if she has a change of heart and wants to come back, which is what every dumpee wants to see from their ex, then she can text, call, email, send a letter, or any other of the various ways to communicate in this modern world without the use of Facebook.

 

Not that I had to but interesting that you see my attempt to clarify my point as "ultra-defensiveness" lol. You may also want to take it easy with the use of terms like "manipulation" without understanding what one means or where they are coming from. I will do anything to get my ex back (at least as of this moment) but at the end of the day, it is her decision. Good luck to you.

[blueeyedme]

Day 5...of course I think about her all the time but I am having no reaction...not sad, not happy, not anything. It's weird. I am thinking since I am so busy and have visitors that I am somehow just setting it aside and it will catch up with me at a later time.

[wildestkabs]

Day 5...of course I think about her all the time but I am having no reaction...not sad, not happy, not anything. It's weird. I am thinking since I am so busy and have visitors that I am somehow just setting it aside and it will catch up with me at a later time.

 

Hear ya my friend. This is a such a see saw of emotions that just because one has been NC for more days doesn't mean that they think or miss their ex less than before. I am on day 19 NC now and sometimes her thoughts hit me on the face like a tornado.

[Eddie37]

I will do anything to get my ex back (at least as of this moment)...

And that's a very vulnerable, weak and desperate place to be. I've been there, man. Of course, I'm not accusing you of manipulation and I apologize if it came off like that. I was simply pointing out how a desperate dumpee would feel compelled to use manipulation to get their ex back, that's all I was saying. Someone who is desperate will go to any lengths to remedy their pain, loss and loneliness...and those lengths can lead to even greater, extended pain...especially if manipulation is used.

 

Because when we manipulate someone we are preying upon their emotions. We use manipulative tactics to sway their feelings rather than allowing them to seek and choose of their own free will, from their heart with no outside influences. That's the great thing about no contact. With nc, we are giving our ex's the opportunity to search their own hearts to discover whether or not there is a place for us in them. And the fact is, many of our relationships were sustained by us constantly persuading our partners to remain with us. That's just not healthy.

 

If my ex is going to return to me it won't be because of anything I do. It will be because she has taken time on her own, without the noise and distraction of me and our expired relationship, to soul search and search her heart...on her own. jmho.

[wildestkabs]

And that's a very vulnerable, weak and desperate place to be. I've been there, man.

 

I would agree with that. Except that it would be a very vulnerable, weak and desperate place to be (for me), only if I was still in my ex's life, as a friend, or as someone trying to get her back. I have let her go. I no longer feel weak and no longer feel the "need" to want her back. I feel a lot stronger than before. If she does decide to come back, she would have to take the initiative and be prepared to explain to me why I should take her back. It won't be easy for her. Staying NC for so many days has definitely helped me.

 

Of course, I'm not accusing you of manipulation and I apologize if it came off like that. I was simply pointing out how a desperate dumpee would feel compelled to use manipulation to get their ex back, that's all I was saying. Someone who is desperate will go to any lengths to remedy their pain, loss and loneliness...and those lengths can lead to even greater, extended pain...especially if manipulation is used.

 

Because when we manipulate someone we are preying upon their emotions. We use manipulative tactics to sway their feelings rather than allowing them to seek and choose of their own free will, from their heart with no outside influences. That's the great thing about no contact. With nc, we are giving our ex's the opportunity to search their own hearts to discover whether or not there is a place for us in them. And the fact is, many of our relationships were sustained by us constantly persuading our partners to remain with us. That's just not healthy.

 

If my ex is going to return to me it won't be because of anything I do. It will be because she has taken time on her own, without the noise and distraction of me and our expired relationship, to soul search and search her heart...on her own. jmho.

 

Even if a dumpee tried to manipulate the ex's emotions, I find it highly unlikely that it would work. I would think that it would more than likely push the ex away even more, since they may be able to see right through it, especially since they know the dumpee. Don't worry about apologizing brother. That's okay. One of the challenges of communication over the internet is the misinterpretation of mesages. It's all good.

[blueeyedme]

End of Day 5...weeping and sad in the few moments I have to myself tonight. I knew I was just blocking the feelings these last couple of days. I know it's over, I am not holding out hope, I'm not counting the days until we talk again...I'm just counting for my own benefit. I hope to soon be counting weeks then maybe a month until one day I forget to count because I don't care anymore.

[JoshHimself]

I'm done with this whole counting days thing. I've broke it twice, so why keep posting here I'm going NIC, if she calls maybe I'll listen, depends on how I feel and whats going on.

 

But anyways goodluck guys, be stronger then this guy here!

[brandnewday47]

Day 25... Sad day for me as it would have been the two year anniversary. Nothing to really celebrate.

[Islandia]

Day 8 now and today is really hard. I thought about her as I woke up, and wondered if she was doing well. Good thing I am at work and able to focus on that right now.

[Flint_Wood]

Day 30 was sometime last week. I lost track. I was still pretty hurt then, but now I don't care about the unanswered questions, or that she's with another guy, or that her ex is still contacting her. I've let go of all the bad and petty feelings, I have confidence she's much more happy now, and that's all that ever mattered to me.

 

I even went through an entire day without thinking of her on the weekend! I want to thank everyone that has helped me along the way.

[brazilgirl21]

Josh, I'm with you. I'm on LC with the ex and for me, counting the days and doing NC just makes it worse for me.

 

It wasn't a long, hurtful relationship anyways. He's my friend and in my case I think casual contact is more effective for me to heal and/or get back together in the future.

 

But, in some situatons, like in my last break-up, NC was the only way. I guess we all know our relationship/exes and know how to deal with it.

 

I feel free not to have to worry about counting the days.

[JoshHimself]

Josh, I'm with you. I'm on LC with the ex and for me, counting the days and doing NC just makes it worse for me.

 

It wasn't a long, hurtful relationship anyways. He's my friend and in my case I think casual contact is more effective for me to heal and/or get back together in the future.

 

But, in some situatons, like in my last break-up, NC was the only way. I guess we all know our relationship/exes and know how to deal with it.

 

I feel free not to have to worry about counting the days.

 

Thats exactly how I feel, I've had break ups where I did the NC because it was done, if I felt like there was nothing there. I'd just stop here to. And counting the days was fun at first, then it was just turning into whatever.

[UK Stu]

I received a news that my ex had visited a mutual friend last night, when she was down, and over the weekend had left message with a mates wife regarding visiting her next weekend regarding a health problem,

 

She asked my mate how I was, but he bring up about "us", as she didn't look like she wanted to talk about it.

 

I still haven't spoken to her since we broken up, she has been NC. But I am ment to be going on a trip with a group of others and her in 2 weeks time.

 

I felt uneasy and sick. I wanted to get in contact with her.

 

But I will wait for my mates wife to call her tomorrow, before I make a move.

[UK Stu]

Bugger, I am not holding it together tonight. Pacing around the house, having a drink to calm me down, regarding the earlier post.

 

If I don't get drunk, I will have to take a sleeping pill, else I will not get to sleep as I am too wound up.

 

The last 3 days I have been good, and spent the day with a mate and his wife who are visiting from home. I was in a good mood.

 

I have convinced my self that I have to wait till my mates wife makes contact with my ex first, trys to set up a meeting between us, and tells me the lye of the land first.

 

I am looking for signals and signs, but as I have been getting this via friends who she has contacted, I am over reacting to them. Though she has not said "there is nothing between us", using them to deliever the news.

 

Maybe the news she told my mate about her (bad) work situation, was meant for me, that she is talking charge of things?