blueeyedme

Quite a transition in the last month or so...not that long ago, I couldn't imagine life without you. Now, I can't imagine life with you and I am free from the chaos that surrounds you. Sure, I think of you often and fondly - but I don't miss you at all. I have finally made it to indifference.

I still think of you every day at some point...usually no emotion attached - just passing thought. I couldn't believe that you booked a hotel room using my Marriott number I assume so you could get my upgrade benefits. Did you not think that I would get a notification? I canceled your reservation without a second thought - then it irritated me for 3 days how you were still trying to use me. We haven't talked in months and you book a hotel room in my name which I am sure you were planning on sharing with whomever you are sleeping with these days...who does that? What the hell are you thinking? Yeah, I know - you were thinking that you can still use this guy (me) for your benefit. Well F you!!

I hate that I still think of you...

I have hope in my life again and I am moving on ...I still miss you and wonder what the hell happened but I know now it wasn't meant to be and I don't want you back anymore. I know the rational person I loved will one day regret letting the crazy you are win the the day and when you reach out to me, I won't be there.

Why do I still think of you everyday?

Had a date tonight, didn't really think of you at all. You no longer have a hold on me.

Two weeks this time so far...while I still have bad moments, I think I am past the bad days. Honestly, I think I have finally let go.

...your not ever going to call, are you. I'm still trying to swallow that bitter pill...one of these days I will have to suspend my disbelief.

I don't know, none of the days are good...on Day 4 after a relapse. She texted me amongst other things "I will call - I just need some time" last Thursday night. I didn't respond...but I wanted to say 'Don't bother' or 'Need time for what?' First I have heard from her since 7/4 when it was all I love you and miss you's before she went MIA again. While I am still in limbo-land right now, I am starting to let go and I am feeling stronger...but damn it, I still want/welcome the call. Hope to eventually get to the point that I don't care if I ever get the call.

In every idle moment I think of you. From the time stir awake until I am so tired that I can’t keep my eyes open. I hate how I have hurt you, scared you, and broken your trust. Funny, I think I actually have a handle on the jealousy issues I had before this awful cycle of feeling slighted and lashing out at you. I don’t understand the transition from feeling/sharing love to cutting off contact. I don’t know what I am doing that triggers that. I do know that I have a primal and ugly reaction to that which makes it much worst. I am deeply sorry for everything I have done and for the pain I have caused. I love you so damn much…I swear I can still feel your love! I don’t know how you can ever forgive me but I hope you can find a way. I have wrestled with every imaginable pain, heartache, tear and sleepless night possible. Maybe there is nothing left in you but it feels like we have unfinished business. I really want to talk if it’s not too late for us.

Day 10: Feeling more in control today as the last 3 days I was backsliding pretty bad and so wanted to reach out - glad I didn't buckle. The voice in my head this morning said "...if she wanted to talk with you she would." Duh... I'm not 'waiting' for her to call though I think she will at some point, nor am I ready to 'move-on' but I will be someday. I don't know if it will be at Day 30 or 330. The length of the path is different for everyone and only I will know when I have reached the end.

Day 9 - SUCKS! I'm in a bad place right now.

Day 8 - I'm upset today. Not sure why, it's just feeling very raw - like I have regressed somewhat.

Day 7...wow, a week. The day was ok but tonight just sucked. Was talking with a mutual friend and finally the subject of her came up which essentially worked me up for the rest of the evening. After all of the BS she has put me through, why do I still love her and miss her so much? How do I get to the point of indifference? No worries, I won't attempt contact - I like myself too much to risk that rejection again. I would like to say I would ignore her if she tried to contact me but that would be lying. I know I will hear from her eventually and wonder what my state of mind will be then. On top of that word is getting around that I might be available and while the interest being shown is flattering they may as well be invisible. The thought of going on a date repulses me. I am really damaged.

Day 6. Doing OK but I feel anxious today. Found myself just staring off thinking of her. Again, I'm just counting for me...in all the jacking around the last 2 months I think 7 days is the longest stretch of NC because I just couldn't not contact her...it bit me in the butt so many times and I am resolved to NEVER contact her again if she doesn't initiate contact. So I guess that makes me NIC because I could not ignore her at this point if she contacted me. I have no regrets because I know I did everything I could to keep us together. Yes I love her and miss her very much. I thought she was 'the one' but in time she will only be a fond memory.

End of Day 5...weeping and sad in the few moments I have to myself tonight. I knew I was just blocking the feelings these last couple of days. I know it's over, I am not holding out hope, I'm not counting the days until we talk again...I'm just counting for my own benefit. I hope to soon be counting weeks then maybe a month until one day I forget to count because I don't care anymore.

Day 5...of course I think about her all the time but I am having no reaction...not sad, not happy, not anything. It's weird. I am thinking since I am so busy and have visitors that I am somehow just setting it aside and it will catch up with me at a later time.

Day 4... a little weird, thinking of her often but don't really feel anything. After 2 months of getting jacked around maybe its just acceptance that I am feeling. Kept busy today - my 17 year old daughter is visiting and we were (unsuccessfully) shopping for a car for her today. I really don't feel anything...maybe I am just numb.

Why am I not good enough for you? How do I go from shining armor to someone not worthy of a reply? Why did you have to break me down and knock me to my knees? Was that fun for you?

Day 3 - Was weepy last night...have been very focused on work and putting in a lot more hours. My daughter is flying here today to visit for the next 2 weeks and I will be focusing my time and attention on her during this time so that should help a lot I think. Still thinking of her way too much.

I am reading your latest disappearance as you just don't have the backbone to be honest and tell me that you have changed your mind about pursuing something with me so instead you pull a disappearing act. It's cowardly, and you have no idea how much more hurt you are causing. If you did, I would like to think you would bite the bullet and just own up to how you really feel and say it. I am learning that you are a selfish commitment-phobe who has never had a successful relationship. You can't commit to me, you can't even commit to a breakup - you just panic and disappear leaving me with no closure - scratching my head and wondering what's wrong with me and what I did wrong - when I did NOTHING...the truth of your behavior is that you are a heartless, selfish person who is too cowardly to have the discussion - it's pathetic. On top of that it seems that you want to leave me hanging in case you change your mind so you can wander in and out of my life according to your own needs and schedule. I'm tired of your mind f****** seduction/rejection games. You've sabotaged us with your uncaring behaviors and by making me a low priority in your life. At some level you know that you have been deceptive and cruel. You know how to say all the right things but your actions give you away. You never allowed me to feel emotionally safe (I hate you for that) and you have left me confused, bewildered, angry and hurt. You are unreliable and have never been there when I really needed you despite your sweet words. I hate what you have done to us. Love and fear cannot exist in the same space and that is exactly the relationship environment you foster. You create confusion, havoc, pain, and anguish with your often insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre behavior. They say it's a fine line between love and hate and I believe that's true because I do love you...but I f****** hate you right now. The opposite of love is indifference and that's what you are giving me in spades. I wish I could flip that switch as quickly and as easily as you have. It's fine that you don't love me anymore, if you ever did - I would have liked a concrete answer but you have so little respect for me that its not going to happen. I don't expect that I will hear from you again - and sadly, right now I don't want to. Thanks for turning me into a crazy person - nice! The good news is that I will recover and go back to the happy-go-lucky good person that I am at my core...unfortunately you will still be crazy...it's in your DNA! DAY 2 of NC...it sucks.

I think he means how good you feel about yourself for making it 30 days.

Do you ignore him or respond? I know my recent x will reach out...and I'm not sure what to do when she does.

Day 2. I'm resolved and busy, but I think of her in my idle moments.

Interesting question... I was married at 26 and my wife cheated with a co-worker in the first 6 months. We worked through it and managed to stay married for 13 years and 3 kids. I will say, you can forgive but you never forget. 22yrs later and 9 years after my divorce, I can still easily recall his name and the circumstances however, there is no feeling or emotion attached to this memory.