Have you ever been cheated on by someone you never would have thought would do it?

[clh]

I too thought my soon to be ex would NEVER cheat. I thought I had found someone who was different from anyone else I had ever been with.

He was kind, attentive, caring, and thoughtful... and a real charmer. He had EVERYONE saying, "Wow, you are SO lucky! Where did you find a guy like that?" He kept doing wonderful things for me, and myself and everyone else continued to praise him for his wonderfulness. I never knew we were feeding the monster that would never become full...

So yeah, with all of those qualities, I never thought he would ever cheat. Not until I looked at his bank account.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think sometimes the ones who are the biggest charmers really like to flirt and need their egos fed, so they fall pretty easily into cheating.

 

i think many do love their partners too, they just convince themselves it's just a little bit of fun and won't hurt anything because the partner won't know... until the partner finds out and it blows up in their faces! that is one reason it is easy to miss at first... they are so charming you don't notice any big changes in how they treat you, and they are so convinced it's just a little fun and won't hurt their partners since they have no intention of leaving the marriage, they don't feel very guilty so you don't notice any big behavior changes.

 

both the men who cheated on me where the most charming men! Everyone LOVED them and just thought they were great including me... They were great in many ways, but had a dirty little secret so to speak... they needed constant admiration and attention and having one woman admire them wasn't enough!

[pumpkinmoon]

I really don't see why these people think it is acceptable to do this. I will admit I have done it once, but I think mine was due to circumstances, I knew the relationship was dead and he was also cheating on me for the whole year which I didn't find out about til later. Still, no excuse, I know what I did was wrong and I felt terrible after.

 

But especially if the relationship is going well and they are actually having an affair or cheating constantly, why do they do it, or how?

[sosilver]

I think its the thrill of it, like BestrongBehappy said, one womans admiration is not enough. So if things are going good in a relationship, they might get bored? I wish I knew their thought process...But yes, they have a need to be "wanted" by other random women, for an ego boost. I think thats how it started for my ex atleast, and before he knew it, he was lying, cheating and was a totally different person because he was working to hard to manage all these lies! I really feel sad for a person when they have to go to such lengths to make themselves feel better.

[EQD]

i think i should break up with my SO now. this thread is honestly one that i almost wish was never made.

 

What do you do with the aftermath of a relationship like that? just shrug and say 'oh well' and leave?

 

What do you do?? When a 'perfect' relationship and a 'perfect' man end up actually being the most hurtful and decietful one you've ever had?

 

I dont believe men like that can love.

 

If you knew then what you know now how would you have handled it differently?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>What do you do with the aftermath of a relationship like that? just shrug and say 'oh well' and leave?

 

No, of course it's hard to leave any relationship. And it's always devastating to discover someone is not who you hoped they were... Leads to a lot of self doubt, but ultimately you realize it is there problem, not yours. Once you realize that they just weren't who you hoped they were, it is easier to move on... recognizing you THOUGHT you'd won the lottery, but oh well, turned out to be a scam.

 

>>What do you do?? When a 'perfect' relationship and a 'perfect' man end up actually being the most hurtful and decietful one you've ever had?

 

You learn a LOT that helps you in future. A lot of a 'perfect' man is his smokescreen he throws up around himself to use his charm to win people over. There are lots of tricks of the trade that experienced cheaters use, and if you're in a relationship up close and personal with an experienced cheater, you really learn to recognize the signs (in hindsight) and in future can weed out any cheaters very quickly.

 

It also toughens you up and makes you less naive. I can now watch a womanizer working someone and just laugh and call him on all the B.S. you're onto them, and you know it and they know it!

 

I personally say i hope everyone runs into one person like this when they're young, so that when it comes time to choose a husband or permanent partner and have children, they don't make the mistake of doing it with a philanderer since a marriage is harder to get out of and there are children involved.

 

So it really made me appreciate GOOD men who don't have a lot of the artifice and charm of a cheater, and to learn a lot of skills to protect myself and help other people.

 

I also learned that 'perfection' in a man is more of an art than a goal to be strived for. 'Perfect' charmers figure you out and what you want, and they reflect that back to you in order to manipulate you. A real honest man will be far less sure of himself and most likely rough edged and very insecure at times because he is showing you his true self, not a perfect reflection of charm engineered to manipulate people.

 

>>I dont believe men like that can love.

 

I think they really love themselves and pleasing themselves. I think they can love, but they might have been extremely spoiled as children with a sense of entitlement that what they want they deserve, and whatever means they use to get it perfectly acceptable, even if it hurts others.

 

Both men who did this to me were their mother's 'favorites' and were coddled as children, they could do no wrong in Mommy's eyes and the world revolved around them. So they expected the same as adults. That kind of unhealthy bond can also make them weird as adults... they seek out one woman who is their 'mommy' nurturing figure (often the wife at home), then go seek hot sex and excitement from other women recreating their happiest moments, mommy at home loving them unconditionally, while they got admiration and fun from lots of other girls.

 

>>If you knew then what you know now how would you have handled it differently?

 

With my ex husband, I would have wasted less time with him (8 years). I knew there were problems after the first year, but did not suspect the cheating until the end when it was very obviously revealed. He was really more trouble than he was worth in so many ways, so I would have ended it quicker if i knew in retrospect that he'd also be a cheater.

 

With the other guy, he was such an enormously good fit with me in every way but he just didn't have the ability to stay faithful to any one woman. He and I had a close bond, and still do chat, but are not in a relationship at this point. With him, i just regret that he is who he is, and we both acknowledge that he just isn't the marrying type. I feel bad for him in many ways because he has a very complicated history where the person he ends up hurting is himself as well as others. He actually was more honest too, being open about the fact that he wasn't good at monogamous relationships, so there is no bitterness there, just some residual sadness that you can't always get what you want!

 

I don't believe in bitterness because it drains joy out of life, and try to look at everything as an experience and learning tool... but that is just me.

[EQD]

 

You learn a LOT that helps you in future. A lot of a 'perfect' man is his smokescreen he throws up around himself to use his charm to win people over. There are lots of tricks of the trade that experienced cheaters use, and if you're in a relationship up close and personal with an experienced cheater, you really learn to recognize the signs (in hindsight) and in future can weed out any cheaters very quickly.

 

 

what were the signs you saw?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>what were the signs you saw?

 

* Their stories don't always match up. They tell one story one time, and it mutates or changes over time.

 

* They have blocks of time where they are unavailable, with no really good excuse for where they are/what they are doing. Or you learn they weren't doing what they said they were doing.

 

* They may claim to be working but are really with someone else... not at work when called etc. even though they say they were there, or their car is missing from the lot even when they claim they were working the weekend or night.

 

* They have a 'beard', some guy friend they claim to be doing things with, who might be their cover when cheating. (say they are with the person when they are really with a woman).

 

* They are secretive with their phone, receive unexplained texts, don't take calls when with you, keep the phone or credit card bills from you.

 

* They claim they are separated, but they are really married. Or they claim they are broken up or don't have a girlfriend, when it becomes clear that is not true. This is usually accompanied by excuses to not meet at their house, or they're from out of town so you can't verify where they live/with whom. They disappear on 'prime time' like holidays and weekends to be with their family.

 

* They lie and exaggerate even when they don't have to.

 

* They become extremely angry or defensive when questioned about their whereabouts or things that might give away the fact that they are cheating. They go on the offensive and verbally attack you, or accuse you of not trusting them, or holding them back, or smothering them etc. Anything to get the attention off of them or more questions.

 

* They pick fights for no reason, then storm out (gives them excuse to leave house and time to be with someone else).

 

* You start getting strange hang up calls, or weird warnings from others that aren't necessarily direct, but give you pause. Someone who knows him (work or friend) makes weird references about other women, or 'wonder where X is, he's not with me' or even calling and saying, 'do you know where X is? i left him at the bar 4 hours ago and need to talk with him' (when X claims he was at the bar with the person who called).

 

* He shows up with an STD he didn't get from you.

 

* You find physical evidence of another women, including condoms not used by you, things around your house that might have been left by another women or after sex, perfume that isn't yours, cigarette smoke when you don't smoke etc.

 

* He sets up regular activities like jogging or sports, but if you tell him you want to come along, he gets defensive or nervous (using that time to cheat).

 

* He plans out of town trips where you can't come along, and claims it work when it's really travelling with his lover.

 

* He is doesn't answer his cell or texts when you call, or doesn't return calls until a long time afterwards.

 

* He makes a big fuss over you, buttering you up, spends time with you, then drops the bomb he needs to be away for X period of time for Y reason (loves you up so he can then disappear for a while with the other woman and you'll be so loved up you don't mind if he's gone a while and don't question where he is).

 

This list goes on, but you get the drift...

[redreine]

This thread is becoming so depressing.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Why is it depressing? Arming yourself with knowledge is never depressing... it's the key to power and living a happier life.

 

Cheating happens, and people do cheat. So the best thing to do is accept that reality, and learn for ways to protect yourself.

 

People who've been cheated on can and do move on to new partners who love them and don't cheat... and someone cheating on you shouldn't make you bitter... it is sad of course, but it is like getting mad because sometimes it rains on days you want it to be sunny... that's just a waste of time to get depressed that cheating exists in the world, because it does.

 

Recognize what can happen, but no one is ever powerless in how they handle their own life and choices.

[EQD]

I'm going through that phase where i want so bad to find something obvious so i can break it off... my next therapist appt is on tuesday. i feel like an addict...

subtle signs bug the crap out of me.

 

my SO shows some of those, but those alone arent damning. He seems to keep his phone on him alot but when i look through it (yes i'm getting bad about it again, but i feel i have a reason to if he is being secretive) there is nothing to find. he's either innocent or he hasnt screwed up yet.

 

arggghghghhg!!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But the thing is when someone is cheating, it is rarely just one of those things... it may start small, but there will eventually be a constellation of signs, or something so blatant the cheating is obvious.

 

So he may not be cheating at all, or it could be early stages where you don't know yet. But i truly believe in the principle of innocent until proven guilty with loved ones. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt, but always keep your wits about you and don't sweep things under the rug.

 

People who are not cheating have logical/reasonable explanations for their behaviors that prove true if you investigate them. And they don't lie or mislead you.

 

So until you start catching him in some really blaring inconsistencies or a whole range of signs, i wouldn't assume he is cheating. It might instead be your own insecurity that is operating here, not any real signs, so i would just put it on the back burner and talk to your therapist.

 

The other thing that is critical is that if you genuinely think he is cheating, don't give him any heads up that allow him to cover his tracks by discussing it with him. Just quietly observe and see if you can get any concrete evidence.

 

But if you're just AFRAID of cheating and he's not doing anything, i wouldn't snoop his phone, unless he gets all kinds of texts and calls he doesn't answer in front of you or starts guarding his phone to keep it away from you.

[EQD]

when we first started going out his phone rang constantly and he hardly ever answered it. imo he did show shady behavior. he said it was just because he didnt want to talk to those people. then showed me his call log.

this was a few months back.

he got another phone, the old one is still activated and i hadnt seen it in a while, so obviously i thought he was using it as most cheaters do. looked through it yesterday while i was bluetoothing a tone to my phone and nothing was in there.

there is yet ANOTHER phone in his car, its dead with the SIM still in it. once again i am suspicious.

 

i really am struggling hard with this... but i havent made my suspicions overly obvious for a while now.

[redreine]

Why is it depressing?

 

How is it not?

 

All of these people thinking they are so happy and in love, only to get their world shattered? THAT is very depressing.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well, having a 'hidden' or second phone can be bad news... if he thinks you might check, he could also be deleting his history of calls....

 

Does he have a good/logical reason to keep two phones active?

[Kalika]

Yikes. I'm depressed now too.

 

It really has been devastating for some people I know. One of my married friends who is a bit older than me found out that her "perfect" husband had been hiding a big secret - another live-in girlfriend AND their two kids that they had together!!!

 

No one EVER, and I mean EVER saw that one coming. She only found out because his girlfriend got into an argument with him and he was served child support papers. She told me so many times that she never had even the vaguest idea - he was loving, attentive, and worked a regular 9-5, no odd hours, or phone calls......

 

She is still a complete mess over it.

 

I've known them for years and I never, ever would have believed he would be doing that stuff. In fact they were my model for what relationships COULD be like, and I really wanted one like theirs.

[EQD]

he is waiting for the contract to expire rather than cancelling it before it ends. he said that its expiring next month and that he is giving the phone back to his friend.

but he has 3 phones. 3! lol...

i hate this.

[EQD]

HA! i'm breaking up with my SO. thats it.

i'm not cut out for this, these stories are terrible, yes i know there is life after being cheated on, but i dont handle being outsmarted or decieved very well. i dont care for it. lol

[blue69]

I hope your not serious EqDyn.....

 

There are people in this world that do stupid things.

 

Read the newspapers of people who committ crimes. A lot of people say things like, "He was so nice." "Wouldn't have guessed it."

 

I think sometimes people forget that humans are IMPERFECT! We are not made perfect. To expect perfection is setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

It doesn't mean you are a fool when someone tricks you or deceives you. Life is full of risks. Love is a risk. But to say that the "chance" of something bad happening outweighs the goodness that can be felt. Wow that is truly giving up.

 

Love is a wonderful experience. It is a journey. Not a destination. It has its bumps and rough spots. A relationship with another human being can be a very satisfying experience. There is much goodness from enjoying this kind of positive experience. Not allowing negativity into it. Not allowing negativity to dictate your life for you.

 

I personally wouldn't want to live a life of paranoid, insecurity and distrust. Be true to yourself. Be positive and treat your relationships with positive efforts. Why would you "want" to live it any other way?

 

Good luck. Enjoy life!!!

[EQD]

because its the only way i know. because i dont need to love a man.

its not fair that i am trying this hard to let someone in when they may be tearing me apart behind my back.

[redreine]

You have absolutely zero concrete evidence of anything, yet you're going to break up with him? How is that fair to him? Especially if he really isn't doing anything wrong?

 

It's your life, do as you wish.

[EQD]

neither did BSBH for 8 years.... what is with you people and wanting to stick it out until you cant stick it out anymore??

[redreine]

It's not that.

 

It's that I'm reading the bits and pieces you're giving us as to the reasoning behind your decision, and it sounds like you're looking for any excuse to get out.

 

If you are unhappy and want to leave, that's one thing. But it seems like you are looking for a way to make him the bad guy so you won't feel guilty for leaving. Just what I see from what you've said.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i still don't think you should break up until you're more sure whether he is cheating or not... i think you're WAY smart enough to suss it out eventually if he is a cheater, and by eventually i don't mean 10 years down the road, i mean within the first year or so, if he's doing things like having 3 phones and really is using them for cheating...

 

perhaps in the beginning he wasn't quite as 'done' with his ex-wife as he let on... sometimes it takes a while to finish out an old relationship before a new one can start.

 

but if he still does travel back to FL frequently to where she is, i'd make sure he was really done with before going on... if he never goes back there and spends most of his time with you, i'd assume it was done with her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i would also say that the women who are most vulnerable to a cheater are those that go 'oh, he'd NEVER cheat on me'... their guard is totally down and they're absolutely not looking for it, and even if there are signs they ignore them or minimize them because they tell themselves their partner would never do it.

 

but your antenna are naturally out and are very sensitive, so i don't think he'd make a fool of you for very long, or at all. i also don't consider a woman a fool if wasn't too naive and she honestly did her best in the relationship then discovers the guy's a jerk... that just means you're a decent person and he's the jerk!

 

in my own case, once i really realized my ex-husband was cheating i was more disgusted than anything... and relieved in a way becuase it gave me the ticket i needed to get out of a problematic situation without feeling too guilty... (i.e., i gave myself permission to dump him IMMEDIATELY after i found out, but before him cheating i felt obligated to try to work on the marriage since i'd made the commitment to marry him).