Are you struggling to get over an abusive relationship? Do you believe it is all your fault? READ!!!

[Seymore]

I may have to check out that book. People at work tend to manipulate me into doing things not in my job description, and the only way that's worked is for me to be a semi-jerk about it, telling them flat-out to find someone else. I don't want to be seen as a jerk, though.

 

As far as handling any situations the abusers throw at you, it's tough - mostly because much of their behavior can be irrational. How do you argue with irrationality, especially if you're the rational one?

 

My ex would argue with me about things that made no sense. I was almost broke at times and asked her to cover her nephew's meal, which I always paid without her ever offering to. She attacked me, accusing me of resenting him because she showed him more attention, which made absolutely no sense to me. I adored the kid - strangers thought he was my son. So I said "Ok, then can you pay for yourself?" Her response was something like a guilt-trip-coated: "Fine, we just won't go out to eat on Saturdays anymore." I began to think I was blacking out and missing entire chunks of the argument, because her conclusions were so far removed from the point. It was then I started to wonder if I wasn't listening well enough, or if I wasn't on her level. First mistake - I doubted myself and put myself beneath her. The downward spiral had begun.

 

How do you argue with that? I was so busy being stunned by the ludicrous nature of her arguments that I didn't even know how to respond. It's like if you tell someone "I want an apple." They say "No, I'm not driving you to the pool." You say "No, I said I want an apple!" They say "I TOLD YOU I'm not driving you to the pool!" What do you say to that? It's like talking to a brick wall! Eventually you will either have to leave or say "Fine, you're right". Their perception is so skewed that you wonder if they're even listening or hearing the same words you're speaking. I said "Fine, you're right" for way too long. If I ever left the room during a ridiculous argument like that, she'd accuse me of avoiding our problems. WHAT????!?! There I stood, backed into a corner. Either try to argue rationally with an irrational person, or be accused of not caring enough about the relationship.

 

And that's one instance where they gain the advantage. Your confusion is their control, and after long enough you can begin to question what part you had in contributing to that ridiculous argument. Then you can find yourself second-guessing things you've said or done, and before you know it, they've twisted you around. What you always thought was right is now wrong. What you did - that always worked before - still works, but is now silly. They know best, and you've learned to believe that.

 

That's why it's so frustrating when people say "If you REALLY loved them, you would stick with them through thick and thin." If they really loved you, they wouldn't put you through that hell. People also have a hard time understanding why I'm still having bad days after 2 1/2 months. My parents are saying "Come ON...jeez, forget it already!" My brother is saying "It didn't take ME this long." Part of it was spending every free minute together, but part of it was because she really got into my head. Even though she's gone, I'm still second-guessing myself about things that I always used to do or love to do. It's like they've bored into your mind like termites. And unless a person's gone through that, they can't seem to even begin to understand it.

[top bloke]

You are dead right they can be anyone and as mentioned previously we have to have strong minds so as to not give in. I use my mind and mostly my heart to sense this manipulation. I listen to my heart...if it feels wrong then it probably is. I just shut their words out of my mind. I have joked but it is true that my mind has a bs meter behind my ears so when I hear it I stop listenning lol

[top bloke]

You are dead right they can be anyone and as mentioned previously we have to have strong minds so as to not give in. I use my mind and mostly my heart to sense this manipulation. I listen to my heart...if it feels wrong then it probably is. I just shut their words out of my mind. I have joked but it is true that my mind has a bs meter behind my ears so when I hear it I stop listenning lol

[waveseer]

When confronted about anything, large or small, no matter how kindly and gently mental/emotional abusers will do almost anything to get the heat off themselves and back onto you. Tactics include but are not limited to: you statements where they tell you who you are (read negative) and how you always do this (read nasty), acting hurt to garner your sympathy (but I couldn't help it), and becoming far more upset than the issue warrants (not excluding yelling and posturing which are both forms of intimidation).

[top bloke]

They use reverse psychology to turn you into what they want. It is a type of mind control. They are so selfish that often they want you to feel worthless as we unwittingly can give too much of ourselves to them in good intentions. We therefore are compromised.

[waveseer]

They use reverse psychology to turn you into what they want. It is a type of mind control. They are so selfish that often they want you to feel worthless as we unwittingly can give too much of ourselves to them in good intentions. We therefore are compromised.

 

Very true, but it happens in such small increments (at least to me it did) that I never knew what was happening while it was happening. I was just talking about how even after a couple of years apart and being fully divorced I still hadn't received my mind back 100%, and I remarried him. This time I am completely aware and therefore duly forewarned. Since nc is not really an option at this time I will just have to get really good at keeping my guard up. It sucks, but that is the only way to protect myself.

 

"To love and to honor, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, unto death do us part." - right

[mistwist08]

You are an amazing person and i am so glad that you were able to post this. I think it will be a great inspiration to many people.

[Binoo]

It really does prove that you can bounce back and become the person you were before an abusive relationship. There's so much comfort in knowing this.

I'm very happy for you and thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me of a quote:

 

Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried, you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think.

 

You are an inspiration.

[fiffy]

When confronted about anything, large or small, no matter how kindly and gently mental/emotional abusers will do almost anything to get the heat off themselves and back onto you. Tactics include but are not limited to: you statements where they tell you who you are (read negative) and how you always do this (read nasty), acting hurt to garner your sympathy (but I couldn't help it), and becoming far more upset than the issue warrants (not excluding yelling and posturing which are both forms of intimidation).

 

Ready2heal has a real eloquence when describing this situation. I think your posts have made this thread interesting and backed up many points that I never touched on. You can described the situation so to the point I think these statements are really worth rereading for anyone in this situation. I know I have.

 

It is true that no matter how hard you try to diffuse anger, or be nice, or be loving you are going to get what is coming. Even to this day I had tried in vain every time the anger boiled up in him to appeal to him or to placify the situation. It never works and retaliating only makes them angrier.

 

I have just been reading Pat Evans book on abusive relationships. Whilst it was an excellent read and very eye opening she suggests standing up to the abuser. Such as saying 'never call me those names, EVER again!'. If I said that to my ex he would hit the roof. It would just make things worse. I don't know about anyone else but I think ready2heal put it right in this quote. Whatever you do they will be angry. There is no way to stop it.

 

For myself in particular being told who I was is still my ex's main goal. And nothing is ever nice. You know I cannot remember a day when he told me anything positive. I was never beautiful or special. He just said all women were the same.

[fiffy]

They use reverse psychology to turn you into what they want. It is a type of mind control. They are so selfish that often they want you to feel worthless as we unwittingly can give too much of ourselves to them in good intentions. We therefore are compromised.

 

This is so true. I totally lost who I was by giving and giving and giving until there was nothing left. When someone shows you disaproval, especially a loved one, you seem to frantically try to show them you are not a bad person. Not only does this reaffirm their power but it loses one's self in the process.

[fiffy]

Very true, but it happens in such small increments (at least to me it did) that I never knew what was happening while it was happening. I was just talking about how even after a couple of years apart and being fully divorced I still hadn't received my mind back 100%, and I remarried him. This time I am completely aware and therefore duly forewarned. Since nc is not really an option at this time I will just have to get really good at keeping my guard up. It sucks, but that is the only way to protect myself.

 

"To love and to honor, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, unto death do us part." - right

 

I think this point is very important.

 

As with ready2heal my abuse started so subtly and in such small frequency it was almost unnoticable. It would be the odd comment that he would brush off as me being oversensitive and he would withhold affection and emotion. Now these things don't scream out at you during the beginning of a relationship. Especially because abusers are very charming. They know what you want to hear. My ex talked of marriage and building a home. In many ways he completely idealised me at the start, but I think this aspect was due to narcissistic personality disorder. Whilst his talk said one thing his blatent witholding of affection, touch and attention left me feeling alone and like I must be the problem. I would think why does this wonderful man, who loves me and wants to have a future with me never want to touch me? Am I disgusting? Is he not physically attracted to me? It is ever so subtle. I guess deep down I knew it at the time but I would never admit it.

[fiffy]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

I am amazed I had any response to this thread as my posts are very long and the subject matter is very dark.

 

I am really happy people are posting their insights into abuse. Everyone can see something different, so together a very rounded picture will hopefully be created.

[fiffy]

It really does prove that you can bounce back and become the person you were before an abusive relationship. There's so much comfort in knowing this.

I'm very happy for you and thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me of a quote:

 

Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried, you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think.

 

You are an inspiration.

 

You really can bounce back to who you were. However it is a very slow long journey. It will always be up and down. Getting the abusive person out of your life should be your number one priority but sometimes this is either not possible or the bonds to your betrayer are so strong they can seem impossible to break.

 

I struggled, and still to this day, struggle to keep away from my ex. I feel like he is a magnet constantly drawing me in. I know any contact will just be abusive but sometimes I can't help myself. I have read the book 'Betrayal Bond' on this subject but still fail to see why I cannot seem to banish this man from my thoughts.

 

For me this is the hardest thing to overcome. There is something inside of me that wants this man so badly despite what he has done. I think I want him back to have my self back, and I am still stuck on all the promises he made of a future with me. I wish I could find a solution to let go. For me it is like battling the most powerful drug.

 

It doesn't seem to matter how scared my ex makes me. I always sem t owant him back in my life and fantasise about these situations.

 

I thought I should admit to these feelings because these are the ones that fill me with so much self loathing for loving somone who obviously doesn't love me. But I think they are very common in this situation.

[fiffy]

hey guys please read this and advise!

 

I have just realised that the abuse towards me escalated a couple of months after this girl rejected him. I am beginning to wonder if he began to abuse me so bad because he could not get to her? He had always been abusive but it was threefold around two months after their 5 week realtionship ended. I think when she dumped him he could not handle the rejection. She changd her phone numbers and e-mails and after a couple of months he must have known he was never going to hear from her again, so i think he put all those feelings of rejection onto me and blamed me for their relationship not working. I was probably the only source he could vent on. For months i could not understand his reaction to me since i never rejected him, but i think this would make sense. What do you guys think?

[top bloke]

Once you find a wonderful gentle man you will look back and wonder why you ever talked to this guy. Some nice guy will want to start a loving nest with you ..time is on your side. The farther away from your ex the more clarity you will have.

Meet a man who wants you for you..youve survived a near spiritual death experience and survived in one piece. Move forward....move towards true love,respect and if you want some little ankle biters of your own in the future. No woman would wish their kids to have a dad like that if they were aware... Move to better days Fify and your long posts are rivetting helpful and heartfelt...

Tb

[Seymore]

Not that it should matter anymore, but you're probably right. The fact that she changed her phone numbers and e-mails should've told you something right there. After the fact, so many new things come to light you may not have considered before.

 

My ex had a fiance a few months before I came along. She claimed that he dislocated her shoulder and she called the cops on him. He also told her to leave and never come back, that he never wanted to see her again. Abuse towards someone is never acceptable, and the picture that she painted made me see him as an alcoholic nutcase. But looking back, I wonder what may have provoked him to hurt her. Again, it's never right, but maybe she wound up bringing out the worst in him, as she did me - I broke and pushed my ex, not hard, but it was completely unlike me, the disrespect and anger she projected on me was starting to rub off. I feel terrible that I did it, but it was a sign that I was becoming something bad.

 

I started wondering "What, if anything, did SHE do for her ex-fiancée to say he never wanted to see her again?"

 

She said she only "cheated" once and it was on him, but it wasn't cheating because he told her he didn't want to see her again. After she left, she was with another guy 2 weeks later, and somehow (she never told me), the ex-fiancé "walked in" on them (her words). I was very confused - how could he walk in on them if they were split up? I started to see possibilities of the other side of that relationship. Was she doing this intentionally, knowing she'd get caught? Why did he cheat on her? Again, it's never right to cheat, but was she as frigid about sex with him as she was with me? If so, I can understand why he'd cheat on her. I don't condone it, but I can understand it, as no guy I know would stay in a relationship like that.

 

Why did all the previous bf's she had leave her, sometimes without so much as a phone call? Why did her friends rarely come around? Why was her ex-FB still texting her 6 months into our relationship, and why was she chatting all friendly with him instead of letting him know she had a boyfriend? Why did it take me accidentally finding a message from him on her phone and bringing it up to her to get it out of her?

 

I almost want to get in touch with her ex-fiancée and have a conversation with him to get the whole story, but the fact is, it doesn't matter anymore.

[top bloke]

Seymour..if you have moved on it doesnt matter champ..be happy youve moved on and still in one piece..good luck man

[nutbrownhare]

Well done Fiffy! It sounds like a monumental, magical, wonderful breakthrough for you!

 

Last year I left an abusive relationship (it only lasted eight months, but when it got to the stage where I was thinking 'He's not only clingy, controlling and manipulative - but he's a nutjob!' it was time to go!), but it had taken its toll on my self esteem and I was still feeling shaky.

 

A couple of days after we split up, I saw his previous ex at a festival. The way he had described her initially made it sound as though she had borderline personality disorder, but over the course of the relationship I realised that he was beginning to do all the things he'd accused HER of doing, so I drew my own conclusions. Anyway, on impulse, I went up to her, told her we'd split and that I had every sympathy for her. One of the first things she said to me was 'I'm not mad!' (She meant this in the UK sense of crazy, btw).

 

We've been friendly ever since; I cannot tell you how healing it was to discuss everything that went on with somebody who really, really understood because she'd been there herself. These days she's having a relationship with a wonderful man, and I hope to emulate her in that respect, too. But just having somebody there whose words were 'He's just so, so controlling ...' totally kicked into touch any wavering doubts I might have had. It can be difficult to retain your sense of self if you're involved with an abuser for any length of time - but sharing with somebody who really understands can help get it back much more quickly!

[fiffy]

Hey Suprastar333,

 

By any chance did your abusive partner move you away from your family and friends to a different country and completely isolate you? Mine did. Classic technique!

 

If I can help you in dircting you to the best books to read, websites and action to take please do not hesitate to contact me xx

[jules999]

I know this is an old thread but I just registered on here specifically to say a huge thankyou to fiffy and all the contributors on this post. I read this yesterday at a big low and woke up this morning to an amazing epiphany!

 

I've been in an abusive relationship for 25 years, I was 16 when I met him, no need to go into details - everything said on this thread I can identify with! I've recently taken the step of ending the relationship but it's been so hard. After reading this board I know I can and will do it because I've realised the total manipulation from day one and I NEVER want to allow anyone to treat me that way again. Basically he used my one weakness - my own feelings of shame and self-disgust at my sexual past which I had repressed (sexual abuse up to the age of 8 by a relative) and used this as a reason to "punish" me (his word) as in "I can't help punishing you because..." (in his words I was easy, a * * * * , dirty etc.).

 

At last I feel free. I know it's not going to be easy but I've just ordered 2 books from Amazon 'It's My Life Now' and 'The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused - and Start Standing Up for Yourself' which I think will help. Then I'll talk to my daughters and make sure they read the nice girl book. I'm feeling guilty about letting them grow up in such a terrible home. But anyway, I'll deal with that, I know I can because I'm amazing - I've achieved so much already despite that sad little man. Something I can recognise now - thank you again and to everyone who ends up here through google like I did, you CAN do it - break out now before it's too late - if I can do it anyone can!

 

Jules x

[Joy Donkin]

That post made me smile...I am in the middle of a verbally abusive relationship and am in the "do I stay or do I go" phase. Only because I have 2 small children that he is not abusive to. Im letting go of our 5 yr marriage it's just sad and I feel guilty to my children that they have to have any part of this. He is such an idiot for throwing all the good in his life away. God be with him. Cuz I cant do it anymore.

[caterinamh]

This is my first post. My heart is in a million pieces. I love him and I hate him all at the same time. I've been in this yo yo relationship of abusive for 4 years. 4 years of holding on and letting go , only to run back to the man who abusives me emotionally and at times physically.

 

Yes, I know leave him. Run away! Why do you do it to yourself? Your better than this!

 

I've heard it all before but for some reason I'm weak, shameless and unable to shake this man. We used to live together for almost two years on and off. The abuse was at it's highest almost at the mid point of our relationship. I'd kick him out only to take him back. Sexually we 'had' so much passion but that had since changed for me with the "change" of life peaking into my life at the now age of 43.

 

For the past year we have lived apart but see each other regularly , at least two nights a week but all that has changed with news in the form of an email. A woman he has been having an affair with for almost two years who lives in Sweden , emailed me to ask about my past relationship with him. Past, I quickly informed her, that it wasn't past it was ongoing! She and I entered into this long conversation which at first seemed to be of mutual respect and understanding. I was surprised that I wasn't jealous or hurt at first. I actually thought this might be the "thing" that would push me over the edge and finally sever the relationship. I openly said this to her, I basically said I wouldn't stand in their way, if they loved each other. After all I'd finally get rid of this person who has been mistreating me for years.

 

We swapped stories of abuse and I learned that she had begun immigration proceedings for him to come from Turkey to Sweden. I realized then this was pretty serious. After a day or two I started to become jealous and upset. In desperation I started pursuing him and even attempted to get him to consider marriage with me (something he had asked me to do for sometime) . I had never wanted to do this before as 1. he abused me, 2. I sensed he wasn't being faithful, 3. I also felt he was just using me to gain my US citizenship. (I however live and work in Turkey and have no definite plans of returning to the states as of now)

 

What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I acting so desperate for his love when all I wanted months ago was to get rid of him??? Now I sit for days in my room in the dark and think about leaving the world. My mind is up and down from minute to minute... I'm very confused and upset! I wrote her a letter basically claiming my territory(this abusive man) and almost begging him to return. Disgusted with myself is an understatement!

 

I don't understand my mental state, I can't afford counseling and I feel totally alone and defeated. Please, help me.... I'm at my wits end!

[silentsurvivor]

This thread is givin me hopes... now... i am currently in a relationship that resonates with wats written above... if not so extreme... but insults, degrading remarks and unappreciative comments to no matter wat i do for him... and to think he was the one....

[silentsurvivor]

Hope you are alright...