Smoothie58 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I agree with most of these posters. I'm not demanding i talk to my boyfriend every day but we would NEVER go a day without talking. Just like I call my family every day. If you care about a person, you should want to talk to them, hear their voice, find out how their day was, etc. If you're casually dating someone - no maybe not everyday, but if you're in an exclusive relationship then it completely makes sense and isn't clingy, needy, demanding and it certainly has nothing to do with "checking up on them" When you love a person, you just want to talk to them because you care. Link to comment
LBP Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Nah, it's not a big deal to me. Of course, the majority of my friends and family live in another country, about eight hours behind me. Staying until two in order to call them can be a bit of a chore. I talk to my GF everyday. My good friends, I see them weekly and communicate via the internet pretty often. I hesitate to think of what's going to happen next year, when I move eve farther east! How about me? Do I get a pass for not being able to stay in close contact with friends and family? Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 What occurs every other day of the week should give you security to know that one day of missed/non communication doesn't mean anything and isn't the end of the world. This is SO SO SO true. Great point. He's actually busy. Busy does not include: -playing video games -watching TV -casually hanging out with friends -casual family gatherings Busy does encompass: -working (actual work not "being at work") -formal dinners/ outings -skiing or other sports -important meetings or gatherings -being in a place where you cannot/ should not be calling or texting (hospital, movie, etc.) I understand and agree. Some times, my boyfriend will have to work in another city. He'll get up at 5:00 a.m. to be on a job site by sunrise (7:00 a.m.). He is unable to call while he's in the field, and he's in the field before I get up in the morning. He gets out of the field around the same time that I get out of work, but since he has to deal with a lot of equipment post-field work, he won't be available to talk until after I've already left work and arrived at my practice or after work activity, when I'm not available for a phone call. By the time I'm available for a phone call at 9:00 or 9:30 p.m, he's already in bed and asleep. The same thing has happened when either he or I or both of us are in places (the middle of the ocean, the middle of the woods, the middle of a jungle, another country) where we literally don't have a means of contacting each other. And the same thing has happened when contact would really be a burden--say he or I are traveling through a city one evening and want to see old friends from college, your focus is on your old friends and you might be up far past the other's bedtime, making a phone call impossible. That's why I disagree with the statement, "You can always make time." Definitely not true. It's important to me in my relationships that there's the understanding that, if you really can't make time, you won't hold it against me, and I won't hold it against you. Nah, it's not a big deal to me. Of course, the majority of my friends and family live in another country, about eight hours behind me. Staying until two in order to call them can be a bit of a chore. I talk to my GF everyday. My good friends, I see them weekly and communicate via the internet pretty often. I hesitate to think of what's going to happen next year, when I move eve farther east! How about me? Do I get a pass for not being able to stay in close contact with friends and family? LBP, you're the first male to respond to this thread. I wonder if we would see a different pattern if more males responded. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 I agree with most of these posters. I'm not demanding i talk to my boyfriend every day but we would NEVER go a day without talking. Just like I call my family every day. If you care about a person, you should want to talk to them, hear their voice, find out how their day was, etc. If you're casually dating someone - no maybe not everyday, but if you're in an exclusive relationship then it completely makes sense and isn't clingy, needy, demanding and it certainly has nothing to do with "checking up on them" When you love a person, you just want to talk to them because you care. Smoothie, sorry, I missed your post in my last post. So, here's a question for you. It sounds like you don't demand to talk to your boyfriend every day, but it happens to work out that way. What if you didn't talk one day? What reasons would be acceptable to you? Are there any? How would you feel if you didn't talk one day? I think we all agree that open communication and showing that you care is essential in a relationship. And it seems like, in most (all?) healthy relationships, you end up staying in touch on a regular basis/ every day, just because that's how things work out. What I'm really interested to know is about when things don't happen work that way. How does it make you feel when you don't hear from your S.O. one day? If it makes you worried, why? If it makes you upset, why? Are there valid reasons for not getting in touch with your S.O. every day? If so, what are they (for you)? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Considering that a lot of my relationships were LDR with time differences, I learned that it is not always possible to be in touch on a daily basis if you are both very busy where you can't take too many breaks for little chit chats - and that I am fine with that. With my close friends, family (who are also all scattered around the world) and my SO we have developed the following culture when it comes to contacting each other: - we all know that we are extremely busy and that sometimes it's difficult to schedule a call, but we know that everyone is making an effort - we all realize that quality not quantity is important - if there is something of an urgent nature, we will make sure that the other person is aware of it, so that we can call back as soon as possible. - if the call is not about anything urgent, we will not get upset if the other person can't call back immediately/ the same day - nevertheless modern ways of communication make it so simple to just send a little message of "i'm thinking about you" - but it doesn't require an answer back every time. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 That's why I disagree with the statement, "You can always make time." Definitely not true. . I guess thus far that barrier has never occurred in my 42 years ... I can think of some extreme circumstances when it might in the future, but then again extreme circumstances are always going to require compromise or work around so it isn't a biggie. There is no steadfast hard rule on our communicating daily, it's just something we do. Naturally if something occurred to make tihs impossible we are not going to fall apart that day. Link to comment
girl68 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 always statments are "always" tough. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 - if there is something of an urgent nature, we will make sure that the other person is aware of it, so that we can call back as soon as possible. - if the call is not about anything urgent, we will not get upset if the other person can't call back immediately/ the same day - nevertheless modern ways of communication make it so simple to just send a little message of "i'm thinking about you" - but it doesn't require an answer back every time. Penelope, thanks for this response. I hadn't explicitly mentioned the "just thinking about you" call versus the "HOLY GUACAMOLE your house just burned down and your father is in the hospital" call. I personally feel differently about returning calls/ texts if I know it's just the "wanted you to know I was thinking about you" call, versus something that's urgent and I need to speak with them ASAP. I wonder if others are the same? Another thought about quality v. quantity. One of my closest, most trusted, and longest friendships is with a man I've known since high school. We only talk perhaps once every other month at this point, but when he sends me a text message to say that I crossed his mind, it just makes my day. When we do talk, our conversations tend to be very long, involved, deep, and confessional. We simply don't do the "chit chat" how-was-your-day/ week talk, even though we are very close friends. Therefore, his "thinking about you" messages are that much sweeter. Likewise, I have a few text messages from my boyfriend permanently saved. One was from when he was on a trip and I hadn't talked to him in several days. He sent a "thought you'd like this" message, and it really made my day. I think I prefer getting messages when people are actually thinking about me, rather than them calling/ texting out of habit or obligation. To me, it is more meaningful. Anyone noticed anything similar? I guess thus far that barrier has never occurred in my 42 years ... I can think of some extreme circumstances when it might in the future, but then again extreme circumstances are always going to require compromise or work around so it isn't a biggie. There is no steadfast hard rule on our communicating daily, it's just something we do. Naturally if something occurred to make tihs impossible we are not going to fall apart that day. Yes good point, I see where you're coming from. I wonder if I happen to live an extreme case, where both of us have (extremely?) busy schedules, we both travel a lot for work and pleasure, etc... in other words, the "extreme circumstances" seem to happen on a weekly to monthly basis in my relationship. I should be aware of this when I give thoughts to people in other situations! always statments are "always" tough. ;-) Thanks for all of this feedback. It's a very interesting and helpful conversation for me! Link to comment
Anusha Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I think it depends of the each people,some like talking with their so every day and some dont.Some people like a lot of contact while others dont bother going a few days without hearing from their so.So isnt the same to all people. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Yes good point, I see where you're coming from. I wonder if I happen to live an extreme case, where both of us have (extremely?) busy schedules, we both travel a lot for work and pleasure, etc... in other words, the "extreme circumstances" seem to happen on a weekly to monthly basis in my relationship. I should be aware of this when I give thoughts to people in other situations! YOu have to make and create your own rules that work well for both YOU and the person you are dating. What others do might not work out well for you guys. It is a personal thing and if you, let's say, were ok with once a week communication and so was he, it wouldn't matter much what the general population thinks or does... For me, i likely wouldn't be ok with once a week unless in an extreme situation, and until I am faced with said situation I can't say with certainty what my capacity would be. For now I know i wouldn't be happy with that and if i dated someone new who would only communicate that often for instance, i might just take that as a sign we are not compatable. But woman B might find it completely acceptable. Link to comment
Anusha Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 For me, i likely wouldn't be ok with once a week unless in an extreme situation, and until I am faced with said situation I can't say with certainty what my capacity would be. For now I know i wouldn't be happy with that and if i dated someone new who would only communicate that often for instance, i might just take that as a sign we are not compatable. But woman B might find it completely acceptable. That is my problem,I like a lot of contact and my so is fine with short contact.To me couples should have contact(meaning calls,texts and so on too) at least 3 times a week.When my so is fine with once a week or sometimes less than that. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 YOu have to make and create your own rules that work well for both YOU and the person you are dating. What others do might not work out well for you guys. It is a personal thing and if you, let's say, were ok with once a week communication and so was he, it wouldn't matter much what the general population thinks or does... For me, i likely wouldn't be ok with once a week unless in an extreme situation, and until I am faced with said situation I can't say with certainty what my capacity would be. For now I know i wouldn't be happy with that and if i dated someone new who would only communicate that often for instance, i might just take that as a sign we are not compatable. But woman B might find it completely acceptable. I understand and agree that it's very individual and unique to each couple. It's important to find someone who is looking for the same things and expects/ desires/ needs the same things, including level/ quality/ quantity. I guess I started this thread because I've seen multiple threads by multiple posters about the amount of communication required, and I feel like my advice for them just sucks and is irrelevant and maybe even harmful because I don't really understand where they're coming from. My only purpose was to try to understand better for those people for whom frequent/ daily communication is essential. I can give rationale and explain my feelings regarding why I don't expect or need communication every day (with the caveat that it usually works out that we do talk every/ most days, with the frequent exceptions of travel and work issues). I was hoping to get the same from the other side of the fence. Truthfully, the only response that has really made sense to me is "because I care about him," which implies that talking every day is a way to show that you care about each other mutually. Is that right? Also, I think there's still only been one response from a male, which is a little disappointing, but oh well. Link to comment
Smoothie58 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I wouldn't suspect he was cheating, doing something wrong, etc. I would think something was wrong because we have always communicated on an daily basis so not hearing from him at all would make me think he is not ok. If I hadn't heard from him all day and the next day he called and had a valid reason it would be completely understood. I might be a little upset because I really enjoy talking to him, hearing about his day, telling him about mine, sharing little jokes, or whatever. But no it certainly wouldn't be the end of the world. Although I guess this thread might not apply to me considering I do live with my SO so if he didn't come home I would be extremely worried lol. But I am thinking of how it used to be before we moved in together. Link to comment
atelis Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Why is it a dealbreaker?[/b] -Because personally, the people that I don't talk to on a daily basis are not that important to me, & vice-versa...& I think it's safe to say I can apply that to 90% of people. . interesting comment. For most people, outside of their partner, the most important person/people in their lives are their parents/siblings, yet i would bet that most adults do not talk to their parents or siblings on a daily or even weekly basis. Do i infer by your comment above that your parents/siblings are not that important to you? The reason you perhaps don't feel the need to contact your parents every day is that you know there is an bond of unconditional love there and you don't require reinforcement or proof of their love on a daily basis. I think when it comes to our partners, like it or not, there is always some level of co-dependancy there, with some people a lot, with others less so. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I released all of my expectations regarding contact with an so because: 1. Artificial limits with no actual purpose suck in the "don't fence me in" type of way. 2. Having someone contact me just because I expect them to feels very empty. 3. Contacting someone because they expect me to takes the fun out of it. 4. When everyone is meeting the stated expectations how can you tell their true level of interest? Link to comment
melrich Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 The answer for me is E. None of the above. We communicate daily because we love one another and have a sincere desire to touch base just to say hello and see how each other is faring thru our day. Has zilch to do with loneliness, fear of cheating, keeping tabs, etc. It isn't about expecting a reply by a certain time either. Couples who have mutual respect and ENJOY touching base daily will do so not because they need to check in at a required time but because they WANT to. Big difference here... Not sure what is strange about the concept of loving someone enough to love hearing their voice daily? Yes this sums it up for me too. I enjoy talking to my wife (it helps if you are going to have a relationship with someone). Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 interesting comment. For most people, outside of their partner, the most important person/people in their lives are their parents/siblings, yet i would bet that most adults do not talk to their parents or siblings on a daily or even weekly basis. Do i infer by your comment above that your parents/siblings are not that important to you? The reason you perhaps don't feel the need to contact your parents every day is that you know there is an bond of unconditional love there and you don't require reinforcement or proof of their love on a daily basis. I think when it comes to our partners, like it or not, there is always some level of co-dependancy there, with some people a lot, with others less so. Wow, excellent point! I released all of my expectations regarding contact with an so because: 1. Artificial limits with no actual purpose suck in the "don't fence me in" type of way. 2. Having someone contact me just because I expect them to feels very empty. 3. Contacting someone because they expect me to takes the fun out of it. 4. When everyone is meeting the stated expectations how can you tell their true level of interest? Again, excellent point. I think we're similar in this regard, ready2heal. Yes this sums it up for me too. I enjoy talking to my wife (it helps if you are going to have a relationship with someone). LOL! Yeah, it does help. Truly enjoying someone's conversation is a must (for me). What else will we have as we get older? Our bodies deteriorate, our friends move away, and everything goes to sunset. You will still have each others' conversation, though. Link to comment
atelis Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Communication and it's dynamics can also sub consciously be used as a form of control, but few people would be willing to admit to that or perhaps even be aware of it. I don't doubt that people enjoy hearing their partner's voice and talking to them on a daily basis, but for many people, i am willing to bet that the enjoyment comes from appeasing their own deep held fears of abandonment, even thought it doesn't appear that way on the surface. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I released all of my expectations regarding contact with an so because: 1. Artificial limits with no actual purpose suck in the "don't fence me in" type of way. 2. Having someone contact me just because I expect them to feels very empty. 3. Contacting someone because they expect me to takes the fun out of it. 4. When everyone is meeting the stated expectations how can you tell their true level of interest? Just want to add me nor my SO contact the other 'just because it seems required". It is done because we want to. I find it sad the couples who do these rituals because they are expected and if they don't there is some kind of proverbial 'punishment'. That isn't in my repertoire. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 interesting comment. For most people, outside of their partner, the most important person/people in their lives are their parents/siblings, yet i would bet that most adults do not talk to their parents or siblings on a daily or even weekly basis. Do i infer by your comment above that your parents/siblings are not that important to you? The reason you perhaps don't feel the need to contact your parents every day is that you know there is an bond of unconditional love there and you don't require reinforcement or proof of their love on a daily basis. I think when it comes to our partners, like it or not, there is always some level of co-dependancy there, with some people a lot, with others less so. I have a younger sister & a mother who I love to death, & I make sure I either see them, call them, or at least text them to see how they're doing because I care about how their day went, & I want them to know that I care enough to be there at the end of the day, if they had a bad day or just need someone there... Maybe I'm one of the few that feels this way. If it's called co-dependancy, then so be it. Link to comment
Smoothie58 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I have a younger sister & a mother who I love to death, & I make sure I either see them, call them, or at least text them to see how they're doing because I care about how their day went, & I want them to know that I care enough to be there at the end of the day, if they had a bad day or just need someone there... Maybe I'm one of the few that feels this way. If it's called co-dependancy, then so be it. I am exactly the same way! I call/text my mom & sister every day because they are a priority in my life...same goes for my S.O...they're important to me and I'd like to keep in touch with them, I don't do it for any other reason then i WANT to Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 I dunno... my mother, sister, and father are all adults who 1) know how to take care of themselves, and 2) know that they can call me if they had a bad day and need to talk, and take the responsibility for doing so. I guess I've never needed to, wanted to, or felt obliged to check in with them daily. Furthermore, we simply don't talk about the little things that happen during the day. We tend to talk about once a week, usually for an hour or two, about the bigger things happening in our lives. I do have a younger cousin who can't/ doesn't take care of herself quite yet, and I call her more frequently than any of my immediate family members, probably every two or three days. Our conversations tend to be about a minute, since she's usually on the phone with some boy (rolls eyes), but she is young enough that she needs to know she's got big cousins looking out for her (and looking to keep her in line, haha!). Link to comment
Ac143 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I am exactly the same way! I call/text my mom & sister every day because they are a priority in my life...same goes for my S.O...they're important to me and I'd like to keep in touch with them, I don't do it for any other reason then i WANT to Yup same here, I call my mom & dad and talk to them at least once, sometimes twice a day. I just love to know how they are doing & how their day is going. I never feel like I have to call my parents or SO, I do it because I want to & love hearing how their day is going If I dont call they call me, it goes both ways! Link to comment
SayWhen Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 My BF and I live together so we see each other every day unless he is away, as he is now. He has been away for four days and will be back tomorrow. I do expect that when I don't see him on a given day that he will call or text me just to say hi...and I do the same. The first day he was away he texted me to let me know that he got there safely, and that was all I needed. The next day we talked for 45 mins which was great. Today we had one text each. That's it. I don't want communication for any weird needs or anything like that...I just want to say hi and see how his day went and make sure he is okay. I am sure he feels the same way. I guess some people don't see that as necessary...but I would be worried if I didn't hear from him on any given day, unless I knew in advance that we wouldn't be able to get in contact with each other (which happens when he goes camping)...and that's fine. I just like to know what's up. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Yup same here, I call my mom & dad and talk to them at least once, sometimes twice a day. I just love to know how they are doing & how their day is going. I never feel like I have to call my parents or SO, I do it because I want to & love hearing how their day is going If I dont call they call me, it goes both ways! This might sound bad, but i don't 'need' to talk to my kids and even less my parents anywhere near i do my SO. I rarely call my parents, we just never were big phone people, and i talk to my kids probably every other day, sometimes maybe once per week, either in email or phone. But i don't really feel the need to talk to them at the same frequency as my partner. I love them, but not in an 'in love' state with them. they have their own partners. LOL Link to comment
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