crazy4love Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I have been here for a week now, and it is my first time posting. after reading the posts here on ENA, I recently found out that reconnecting with an ex is very rare, and some get back together just to break up again. have you ever seen your friends broke up with their exes and eventually got back together again? But now that you're in the same situtation, everything thing seems so impossible? I have at least 5 friends who were in a LTR with their bf/gf, broke up, and eventually got back together. Some went completely NC, while others still keep in touch. And the length of the break up last between one month to 9 months before reconciliation happened. And now they are stronger than before, besides one couple. Of course the reasons for their break ups vary. ( i wont get into it now, unless you guys want to know more) I remember thinking to myself a year ago, "wow people do get back together, it is not as hard as it seems, and a break up doesn't have to be forever". Back then, i didnt think that i would give anyone a second chance if they were to break my heart. i thought "once its done, its done." Well, now that i am in the "i want my ex back" situation, i find it to be extremely hard. Bc I cant force my ex to feel the same for me as he once had, all i have to do is to give him and my myself time and space. Let go and let God. But i can't help but wish i got the second chance to correct the mistakes we make, and give it one for shot. Just like how my friends got their 2nd chances. I know that many here want to get back together with an ex, even though they hurt us by walking out. And we have been told over and over again to move on, the past is the past, but yet we still want to hold onto hope (maybe false hopes). if getting back together not knowing if it is gonna last, because we don't really know what the future holds, would you still take the risk? Just like you took the risk of getting into the relationship in the first place? i also heard that, in a long term relationship, couples usually gone through at least one break up before marriage (reconnect through disconnect). Kidda like another obstacle that the couple must travel through. Do you think this is true? Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Well, reading your post just gave me some hope that my ex will come back. Link to comment
shikashika Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I think it all depends on the reason for the breakup. lots of people get back together all the time. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I think it is possible and does happen, but logic would tell you it is not all that probable in the majority of the cases. If it were, then everyone would marry the first person they dated because they never broke up. Most people date at least 5 to 10 people before they marry, so that means 1 out of 5 or 9 out of 10 breakups were permanent... so that would argue a 10-20% success rate in getting back together. I think the wise thing to do is assume you have broken up and still keep working on things that are good for you and your life. Take time to heal, continue to pursue other goals, and date other people once the wound from the breakup isn't so raw. If the couple is really good together, something will pull them back together, but i wouldn't EXPECT it to happen, nor wait for years and years for it to happen and not get on with my life in the interim. Link to comment
shikashika Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I have known of several couples who have broken up because of distance... but got back together when they moved back to the same place. In this case, I would say more often than not they DO get back together. Link to comment
longdist Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I have at least 5 friends who were in a LTR with their bf/gf, broke up, and eventually got back together. Some went completely NC, while others still keep in touch. And the length of the break up last between one month to 9 months before reconciliation happened. And now they are stronger than before, besides one couple. Of course the reasons for their break ups vary. ( i wont get into it now, unless you guys want to know more) I wouldn't mind hearing more about your friends' situations. Most people posting here are interested in reconciliation and success stories may generate ideas. I also wonder why relationships that return aren't stronger than ever. I guess it would depend on the time apart, the reason for the breakup, the length of the relationship, and the changes in the people. I think in general most people don't change, the reason for the breaku pis good, and they don't spend sufficient time apart to do what they need to do to fix things. At the same time, I think most people with success stories go on living happy lives and don't return here to post. So I think this forum could give a skewed perspective on success. Maybe that is just my wishful thinking. if getting back together not knowing if it is gonna last, because we don't really know what the future holds, would you still take the risk? Just like you took the risk of getting into the relationship in the first place? I think it certainly worth the risk. No one can predict the future. You have to live for the moment. The risk paid off in the first place. However, I think the ideal situation is to communicate and fix the previous problems and I don't really see how another breakup would happen. If it did, then the couple really probably shouldn't be together. i also heard that, in a long term relationship, couples usually gone through at least one break up before marriage (reconnect through disconnect). Kidda like another obstacle that the couple must travel through. Do you think this is true? I have also heard this. The large majority of the people I know who have gotten married had a breakup with their spouse before they were married. I think this is one reason why it is good to wait to get married for 4 years or so. After 4 years, you become accustomed to each other and the initial excitement fades. A couple should be able to endure through this to validate the choice of marriage. I think it is also a good time to spend time apart and gain perspective on your relationship. My ex broke up with me 6 months after I thought about doing the same, for the same reasons (complacency). I think our breakup was a necessity if things are ever to work between her and I. At the same time, I think our relationship would be stronger than ever if we got back together. I think this is a way of renewing your love for each other. I hope I get my chance, but I'm trying to move on with my life, regardless, because I can only control certain things in my life. Link to comment
crazy4love Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 Misskitty16 Yea i do agree with you that it is hard to get back together if someone left you for someone else. and i don't think i would ever want!!!. BUT Then again, because i'm not in that situtaion yet, i can't say much. As i posted earlier, my friends broke up with their partners for various reasons, such as miscommunication, grass is greener, feeling traped, no longer in love. My close friend was with her ex (now current) for more than 3 years. He moved to a new city because of his job, met a girl there and fell hard for her. Came back home to break up with his girlfriend, and told her that he is going to move in with this new girl. She was torn!!! she would called me up every night crying. I constantly told her to move on and that he wasnt worth her tears. she didn't listen to me, and still maintain to be his friends. but the thing about her that i admired was, she never beg or plead for him to return. she would let him go gracefully even though she was in pain. this went on for 3 months. As he was living with this new girl, he realized that he still in love with his ex and didnt want to be in a relationship with the new girl anymore. He quited his job, left the new girl and moved back home. They are together now for about 2 years. The relationship was def. stronger!!! She said the communication is a lot better and he is like a new person. Everyone thinks they gonna get marry soon, even her parents seems to forgive him. Johngalt..... Please dont have too much hope, i dont want to give you any false hope.. i DON"T want to give myself false hope.!!! Link to comment
redhearts Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 They are your x for a reason, its just not who you were meant to be with. Trying to stay together is like fighting destiny. Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I'm sure that most things including reconciliation only happen when you least expect them to. That is, when you're not dwelling on them or wishing for them with all your heart. It always seems to happen at the point of getting yourself back, which is just after the moving on and the beginning of letting go. So if there's anyone you need to "get back with", first and foremost it's yourself. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 .. That is one of the very few times I have ever heard of a couple getting back together in such a situation. In fact, I actually don't know any. Your friend handled things very well. I did not, unfortunately. Did the crying/begging thing. It was quite pathetic if I do say so myself. I can't blame him for never speaking to me again when I think of how I acted. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself Misskitty. He left you high and dry without a word until some time later. You had every right to contact him and expect answers. You shouldn't feel bad for that. Link to comment
crazy4love Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 oh yea.. i totally did the crying and begging as well. i wish i found this site b4 the break up. Although, i hope that my ex and i do eventually get back together... i don't regret the break up. I think this break up really taught me a lesson. It Actually let me step back and see the flaws that both him and i contributed to this relationship, and how to improve them. Granted, it is always better to fix the problem while within a relationship, but people tend to take things for granted. If he never broke up with me, i know i would never... and the cycle would repeat itself. All relationships have ups and downs, but we def. dont want to continually repeat the flaws over and over again. (like nagging, needy or so). Link to comment
crazy4love Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 longdist if you want to hear them... i will post them later when i have more time Link to comment
zedtech Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I'd like to hear them whenever you have the time to post the stories up Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I wish you weren't so hard on yourself Misskitty. He left you high and dry without a word until some time later. You had every right to contact him and expect answers. You shouldn't feel bad for that. words of wisdom Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 They are your x for a reason, its just not who you were meant to be with. Trying to stay together is like fighting destiny. Why do people keep saying this dumb quote? I could just as easily say, you guys were together for a reason so breaking up is like trying to fight destiny. And this is not directed at you redhearts, but I just hate seeing people write that as if it is universally true. Link to comment
lucasky Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Why do people keep saying this dumb quote? I could just as easily say, you guys were together for a reason so breaking up is like trying to fight destiny. And this is not directed at you redhearts, but I just hate seeing people write that as if it is universally true. Would you prefer: They are your x for a reason, its just not who you were meant to be with right now. Trying to stay together is like fighting destiny? ;p Link to comment
jahur Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 They are your x for a reason, its just not who you were meant to be with. Trying to stay together is like fighting destiny. i totally agree with you! imho once the rot sets in its nigh on impossible to recover. Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Would you prefer: They are your x for a reason, its just not who you were meant to be with right now. Trying to stay together is like fighting destiny? ;p HAHA like the bold insert Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Why do people keep saying this dumb quote? I could just as easily say, you guys were together for a reason so breaking up is like trying to fight destiny. And this is not directed at you redhearts, but I just hate seeing people write that as if it is universally true. I agree. and I think that the girl in the story who stayed friends, didn't beg and plead, etc., probably has a stong sense of herself and basically let him experience what he needed to experience. she let him go and acceoted his experience withour loosing herself. maybe. for me I don't know if i COULD take comeone back who left for someone else, but maybe she was strong enough to set him free in whatever he was experiencing at the time. at the same time I presume that she put herself first and continued on her path while keeping an openness. you have no control over what another person does. you can only learn to befriend yourself and trust that everyone is on their own path. there is not just one way of doing things. Link to comment
crazy4love Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 i promised to post some of my friends' situations, so here it is. case 1 i have already discussed about it earlier. case 2: My older brother dated his gf for a little more than 1.5 years. she broke up with him because of miscommunication. He said one thing, she interpret as something else. He did something wrong, she thought he did it intentionally to hurt her. Well after she broke up with him, they went into NC for more than a month. after everything settled down, she called him up, and they talked about the issue. They started a new relationship after that, and just celebrated their 2 years anniversary on Feb 23. I think a broken relationship due to miscommunication is the easiest to reconcile. case 3: My friend dated this guy for about 5 years. Got engaged and everything. The last 3 months of the relationship, he started to act really cold and distant. She knew something was odd but didnt want to call him out on it. She assumed that it was due to stress because he was busy trying to get his master degree. After Xmas he told her that he's no longer in love with her and that he can't picture himself being with her in the future. Couple days after the break up, she called him and demanded more answers because it didn;t make sense to her. He ignored all her calls, and when he did pick up, he kept telling her "i don't love you anymore." She cutted him off after that and went into NC. But she was REALLY depressed, and didn't listen to anything her families and friends had to say. She started to drink and went out every night. after 3 months of NC, she applied and got accepted for an internship in Boston. She wanted to get away from everything and everyone, and wanted to be by herself in a new environment for awhile. After 8 months of NC, she was getting herself together, move on, met new friends in Boston. Around this time, her new friend set her up on a double date, and guess who was her date? yup, her ex!! The whole night they acted as if they were strangers to one another. After the date, they went into NC again, and about a month later they happened to cross paths one more time. Now they are starting all over again, from the beginning. She gave him back the engaged ring from the pervious relationship. I guess destiny really played a part in their reconciliation. case 4: another friend of mine dated his gf for 6 years (from 17 to 23). He broke it off with her bc he wanted to know what's out there. He wanted to be single again, and explored a little. She didnt take it very well. she email, beg/plead. I remember having lunch with him one day, and she would constantly calling and leaving messages after messages. He deleted them right in front of my face, and took her pic from his wallet and threw it in the trash. After a month of her crying, he jumped into a new relationship just to get her off his back. Eventually she backed off for good Couple months later, the new relationship went sour, and he started to crawled back to her. She didnt take him back. He left her alone and improved himself, and slowly tried to prove to her that he is a changed man. Well now they are together agian, and about to be engaged. case 5; my college friend dated her bf for 2.5 years. He left her because he felt trapped. She was needy, clingy, and he felt more like her dad than her bf. They stayed friends with benefits. After 4 months they got back together. Unfortunately, they jumped into the relationship without solving any issues. He invested more love and time into the relationship the second time around, and gave her his grandma's ring. she on the other hand didnt change much. 1.5 years later, they broke up again. This time it was her that did the break up. I think if she would have gone NC the first time around, analyzed the relationship, and gave herself more time....she would've never gotten back together with him. I think in this case, the only reason she went back with him was bc of attachment and not love. So yea this is not a success story, and should be avoided. Sorry if this post is long!! Link to comment
Siberia Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Hey Thanks for sharing all these wonderful stories. The point is that you really have to let go and rediscover yourself. Never ever force yourself down anyone's throat Link to comment
longdist Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Yes, I also really appreciate the stories. Link to comment
WhatSetsUs Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Is NC really the key? It seems like all these stories follow NC. Does anyone know about how long NC usually lasts before couples get back together? Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Lots of couples reunite. We just don't see their stories much on ENA. I see them in my though. It happens quite a lot. However, this says nothing about any particular relationship and whether or not it can work. It's just a general fact that many couples get back together. Some work, some don't. And while I do think "an ex is an ex for a reason," I don't think that means people should not ever try getting back together. Reasons for breaking up can go away. Of the married or engaged couples I know, many of them broke up at some point. Link to comment
crazy4love Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Hey guys, i have some questions... Do first love (LTR) not meant to last? regardless what age we are? Even if it is a healthy relationship? Is it normal for people who are in their first relationship usually want to know what's out there, explore a little, grass is greener etc? Is it true that people who are between 20 and 25 don't really know what they want yet? It is so sad to see my 3 yrs relationship just disappear. And we are both 23 turning 24 Link to comment
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