JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Maybe i sound cheap but if i were a man and i had one failed relationship with the woman already there is no way I am forking out ten grand on a ring. It hink i'd give it time and see how the reconciliation worked first. Link to comment
thistime Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 this probes a question for women...and I am one, but this never was an issue with me. Why need the big 2k, or 5k or 10k ring? it's JUST A SYMBOL>>>is the size of the diamond in direct correlation to how much the man loves you? Does that mean that if your diamond is 1 carat, and your friends is 3 carat, that her husband loves her more then yours does you? if a man is ready to buy an engagement ring for a woman, he is choosing something for her to represent his choice to commit to her...the size of the ring should have no bearing on the relationship. I have never had engagement rings over 1/4 carat in weight, and to be honest...woman who complain that their ring isnt 'big enough" sound selfish, and probably arent getting engaged for the right reasons. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I think she should keep the first ring for her daughter. I think this is a new relationship, a new beginning so a new ring is appropriate I think if he wants to buy her a new ring, it's a lovely token that he wants a to break free from past associations as well. And I can understand why she would welcome that. And I think none of us know enough about them to determine what the budget should be. My only obvious comment about the pricetag is be sure that one shouldn't spend so much that when there's not money for something you need, you look at the big rock with regret. So she'd be wise to not let him spend more than she knows he can do without. This is not a "shut her up" ring. To HIM this is a "new beginning" ring. And it sounds like its him, not her, determining the budget- which is as it should be. Link to comment
Firiel Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I don't think your friend is wrong at all. New ring for a new beginning. And I don't think she's wrong for looking at rings that are 2k either. This is the way I feel about it... women want to look beautiful in their wedding dresses, right? Of course, that doesn't mean that you should spend thousands on it, but it doesn't mean you should have to buy a white dress for $30 at a goodwill store (though if you find it gorgeous, go ahead!). Find a dress you'll still look back on years later and love. I feel the same way about a ring. It's not about the bling, but it's something you should find beautiful. Her fiance set the price range at 5k. She is looking at rings because her fiance asked for her opinion, and the ones she is really drawn to are well within the lower half of that price range at around 2k. I have a hard time seeing how it is selfish of her to be suggesting rings that will cost her fiance 3k less than he was willing to spend. It's not like she's taking him for all he's worth or using him for his money or anything like that. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 This suggests that only rings that are a few grand are beautiful, and I say that is simply not true. Not everyone even goes for a diamond. I know people who choose different stones to symbolize their engagement that are gorgeous and well made but that are not filling the pockets of the diamond industry - which IMO is a big joke. Just because he suggested a "range" of between 3k to 5k doesn't mean that is what he would like to spend. He asked for her opinion on it which leads me to believe he would feel pretty relieved if she said 'honey, i don't need you to spend anywhere NEAR that on a ring" ... and that is what I would tell him if he were my fiancee. I would allay his fears and let him know that the ring isn't that big of a deal and if i really wanted a new one i'd look at something far far cheaper. But that's just my personal opinion. Big rings do not make the relationship last any longer. It can do the opposite if it puts the fiancee in a financial strain and could even make him bitter if later on he thinks 'so she went ahead and made me feel that the 3k to 5k i mentioned was appropriate" if it puts him in the poor house. i think he threw out that range 'fishing' to see if that is appropriate because he likely has no idea...and since she has not said 'that is way too much' he is likely rolling with it because of that. I just can't believe in this economy where NO ONE that i know of can say their job is 100% safe would spend that kind of money on a ring but again, just a personal opinion which is being solicited in the opening post. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 This suggests that only rings that are a few grand are beautiful, and I say that is simply not true. Not everyone even goes for a diamond. I know people who choose different stones to symbolize their engagement that are gorgeous and well made but that are not filling the pockets of the diamond industry - which IMO is a big joke. i thought diamonds were a girl's best friend... Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Why doesn't she buy him a ring at about the same price as the she would like from him. Then she can be as generous to him as he wants to be to her. No one need be accused of being selfish and both can use the ring to express their love for the other. Yea i agree. I don't know why the guy has to be the one to lose 5000 dollars. And to her friends who have rings worth $50k if the guy is not independtly wealthy than he needs a hole in his head. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 i thought diamonds were a girl's best friend... Not mine. LOL I think they are so over rated. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Not mine. LOL I think they are so over rated. so you would rather have a blender? Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I have to say, I picked out a VERY inexpensive ring when we got engaged. Yes, I'd have loved a big rock, but we were young and there were more important things to spend money on. I told DH when we've been married 10 years, he could buy me knucklebuster- after I'd earned it as a good wife- not just on my back Of course now we're married 15 years, and I still don't have it. We COULD buy it- or we could take the kids to Europe, or we could go to Paris for our annivesary, or we could get those Staineless Steel appliances, or new bedroom suite I've wanted.... Somehow, I'd rather have any of those things before a big rock- so I buy myself semi-precious rings and costume jewellery... I don't know. When I am too old to travel, then I'll choose the jewellery, for now, I'd rather have the experiences.... But to each his own... Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 so you would rather have a blender? Im not too crazy about diamonds either, never was. I wanted to get married & didn't care if I got a small ring or no ring at all. My SO on the other hand is a whole different story, he wanted me to have a big rock - so he got it for me. Im not complaining & never will lol. I never once told him what kind of ring I wanted or didn't want...I think that's tacky! To the OP - if you friend wants to get married - I dont blame her for not wanting the old ring because it has bad memories. BUT why a ring that's 2-5K? She should be happy with anything that her SO gets...small or big. Its not the ring that matters - its the marriage! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 so you would rather have a blender? I was very specific in not wanting an engagement ring. I didn't want an engagement blender either. So my answer is "no" to your question. The money that would have been spent on a ring was used for many other things. It just made no sense to me to have one when i am not even much into jewelery. I cant tell you how many women i've known who have lost engagement rings to boot. I'd likely be one of those women. I don't like trying to keep up with costly jewelery. IT seems it is mostly younger women that feel that need to show off a ring (altho i am sure some older wanted one too). I had no desire at all for that. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 i thought diamonds were a girl's best friend... Gosh a'mighty...good to see all that advertising money spent by the diamond industry isn't going to waste. They got you believing their line of thought. so you would rather have a blender? Well, I would....blender, Kitchen Aid mixer, All Clad pans....but I'm a foodie and I like to cook. Not much of a jewelry wearer...never have been, and I don't see it changing so -- for me -- a kitchen item would be a more thoughtful/meaningful gift. Means he's paid attention to who I am/what I like. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Marilyn Monroe told me Link to comment
Firiel Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I feel the same way about a ring. It's not about the bling, but it's something you should find beautiful. This suggests that only rings that are a few grand are beautiful, and I say that is simply not true. Not everyone even goes for a diamond. I know people who choose different stones to symbolize their engagement that are gorgeous and well made but that are not filling the pockets of the diamond industry - which IMO is a big joke. Just because he suggested a "range" of between 3k to 5k doesn't mean that is what he would like to spend. He asked for her opinion on it which leads me to believe he would feel pretty relieved if she said 'honey, i don't need you to spend anywhere NEAR that on a ring" ... and that is what I would tell him if he were my fiancee. I would allay his fears and let him know that the ring isn't that big of a deal and if i really wanted a new one i'd look at something far far cheaper. But that's just my personal opinion. Big rings do not make the relationship last any longer. It can do the opposite if it puts the fiancee in a financial strain and could even make him bitter if later on he thinks 'so she went ahead and made me feel that the 3k to 5k i mentioned was appropriate" if it puts him in the poor house. i think he threw out that range 'fishing' to see if that is appropriate because he likely has no idea...and since she has not said 'that is way too much' he is likely rolling with it because of that. I just can't believe in this economy where NO ONE that i know of can say their job is 100% safe would spend that kind of money on a ring but again, just a personal opinion which is being solicited in the opening post. I didn't say only rings that cost a few grand are beautiful. I didn't mean that. I think my sister's wedding ring is gorgeous and it was only about 1,000 bucks, wedding band included. I find plenty of inexpensive rings beautiful. I said it should be a ring that you find beautiful individually. Personally, I've considered getting a ring that had a different gemstone in it if I do ever get engaged. It's about personal preference. Maybe he was lying to her when he said he would be okay with spending 5k on a ring. But if he's not being honest with her because he's fearful of her reaction then what kind of ring to get is not the biggest problem in their relationship. Would I let a fiance spend 2k on an engagement ring? Probably not. I just don't like the way big rings look, and the money could probably be spent more practically. But (assuming his honesty) if he feels good enough about his finances to spend 5k on a ring, and she finds one for 2k that she will find gorgeous for the rest of her life, I don't see the issue. Maybe I'm just selfish? Link to comment
keenan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'll chime in for the other side: I love pretty diamonds (AND good blenders). I also like balanced budgets, good communication, and healthy relationships. These things aren't necessarily at odds. In my opinion a "new" ring is a perfectly fine way to symbolize a "new" relationship. The old ring can go into a box, into the ocean, or into the trash...whatever they decide. Nor do I think it's unreasonable to set a budget and shop together for a major purchase that will be in their family (and on her finger) for decades to come. If they find something under budget that they both like, then good for them! If your friend is worried about coming accross as selfish to her friends, I would (a) wonder why her friends are so invested in her finances; (b) advise her that every couple must make choices that are consistent with their own values--from choosing to rent or buy, have 3 kids or no kids, finance private schools or go for public, or go camping or to Paris. They're not talking about chopping the mailman into tiny pieces or running a brothel out of their home...they're talking about whether to celebrate their fresh start by investing in a piece of pretty jewelry that they're BOTH in favor of buying. IMO, this is awfully fraught with both positive and negative meaning in our culture. There are plenty of other things to feel guilty about. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Well apparently she has a friend so vested she is writing a thread about it, so maybe this 'friend' is feeling too much pressure from her friends period. Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Well apparently she has a friend so vested she is writing a thread about it, so maybe this 'friend' is feeling too much pressure from her friends period. That was kind of unnecessarily harsh ... Link to comment
mechie22 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I agree with her....its the same reason I refuse to wear my promise ring. The big ring also isnt the best buy its better to get a smaller diamond of better quality than a bigger one not more than one step above cubic zirconia. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 That was kind of unnecessarily harsh ... Not meant to be harsh at all. Sometimes we unknowingly can add to pressures like this. If you are writing about it on a forum and if you agree that a bigger better rock is the way to go, you could very well be giving pressure without meaning to or even realizing it. Link to comment
Mavh25 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I say she should make do with the old ring just for a little while and in a couple years maybe when they have more money etc, one valentines day or on the anniversary he can buy her a new ring. I really don't see the rush personally. I know the ring holds some bad memories but maybe if she does'nt want to wear that one, he can go buy her a nicer but cheap promise ring for now. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Not meant to be harsh at all. Sometimes we unknowingly can add to pressures like this. If you are writing about it on a forum and if you agree that a bigger better rock is the way to go, you could very well be giving pressure without meaning to or even realizing it. This is true, I dont believe friends/family should really get to involved in this - the couple should figure what they want & can afford. Since they are the ones paying for it! I dont know why people get so hung up on the engagement ring I know you have to wear it for a LONG time, but if in the future you want to exchange it for something bigger/nicer/better quality so be it. It doesn't have to be the PERFECT ring to get married. Link to comment
keenan Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Not meant to be harsh at all. Sometimes we unknowingly can add to pressures like this. If you are writing about it on a forum and if you agree that a bigger better rock is the way to go, you could very well be giving pressure without meaning to or even realizing it. That's true and I see your point, but I think that Kalika was being supportive of her friend's desire, rather than judgmental. There's definitely a lot of unhealthy pressure TO get a diamond engagement ring in this culture (thanks both to Debeers marketing and to the deliciousness of many diamond rings but there's also a lot of pressure to forgo the whole ritual, or to substitute something more modest--especially among young, educated, socially-conscious people). IMO both positions are fine, but if you're involved in the process it's impossible to not be aware of the other viewpoint. Women who do like diamonds but are sensitive to the negative stereotype (like me!) often enjoy pretty jewelry privately but also feel a little ashamed of their enjoyment. At some point you just have to decide that this is OK for you and move on. It seems that in this case her friend has already decided that she DOES want a new ring but is worried about being judged negatively. Having a friend in your corner who is willing to talk about it and explore the issue from a shared perspective...that's not necessarily a bad thing. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 But as i stated in last post, if kalika is in agreement with her it might still unknowingly sway her decision. If it were me, i would not get involved to the extent of polling a forum for my friend and finding support to rally around her decision. I would think that might put pressure if not on her friend, then on her friend's fiancee....deep down he probably hoped someone would say to his g/f wow, 3 to 5 grand, that's a bit much don't ya think? Kalika is not doing that and indirectly supporting the decision to go forward. no right or wrong here, i am just giving my own view - if this were me not only would i not create a thread about it i would tell my friend 'this one is all up to you, i am not getting in the middle of such a decision as I do not want to influence you one way or another". If she really wanted my opinion on yay or nay i would tell her my opinion (nay) and leave it at that. I wouldn't go out and gather information for her and come back and present it to her because I feel that would unwittingly (or wittingly) put pressure on her or influence her even if in some small way. Link to comment
keenan Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 - if this were me not only would i not create a thread about it i would tell my friend 'this one is all up to you, i am not getting in the middle of such a decision as I do not want to influence you one way or another". I might get a little more involved than that, but I definitely see your point. I was under the impression that her friend wanted Kalika to post, because she herself dreaded dealing with potential negativity. Maybe I just read that into it. I think I've now derailed this...sorry Kalika! We could have an interesting philosophical discussion about posting to ENA for/on behalf of our friends, lol, but I think I'll let it go back to diamond rings. Link to comment
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