Radίaηce Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 I was getting to know someone who proclaimed he was the "ideal" man. He had asked me if I would ever have a one-night stand. Being a female with very much class, I was surprised with my own answer. It was not a yes, nor a no. It was a maybe that could possibly mean yes. I am ok with this answer, but his reaction: "I can't believe you would have a one-night stand." I would hope NOT, but keep reading...my conclusion makes sense. I believe myself to be the "ideal" woman--the one that you marry, but I am finding it rather hard to be in a relationship because I am NOT looking to settle anytime soon, but I also do not want to play games. I have a lot of respect for myself, and don't share my body with just any one. He knew that. It started with a kiss, one thing led to another, some touching here, some touching there, we both stopped, and then it was over. Nothing happened. The second time, it started with a kiss, and ended with a one-night stand back in December. Now I can't believe "he" had a one night stand. We are two very attractive, smart, charming, funny, great personality, everything "ideal" there is and we only slept together once! Something is NOT right here. A bit of background info: I haven't been in a romantic relationship in almost an exact year. I am very much ready. He ended his four-year relationship 3-4 months ago. I completely understand that he is not ready. He is also extremly busy with school (his last college year), taking very difficult classes, and lacks time. We were getting to know eachother when he had free time before the killer schedule kicked in. He just bought his first condo and his place was empty and lonely during the holidays. I mailed him a funny singing christmas card before i left town on vacation. He thanked me so much for it later. It really cheered him up he said. I haven't seen him since his birthday in the beginning of Jan. Not much contact since mid Jan. So Opinion: What is the liklihood that Mr. Ideal, and Ms. Ideal crush the rumor of having a one night stand and actually developing a romantic relationship later down the road? I do not sleep with men i am not in a relationship with, so I know for sure i will NOT be sleeping with him again unless we are in a committed relationship. I've never been in love, however for the first time i see that possibilty with him and really believe in true happiness in the (far) future. Link to comment
minute Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 What are you asking?? Face it, you slept with each other - either get over it and date each other or move on and face the fact that no matter how 'ideal' you think you are, you both were willing to just have sex at the expense of the developing relationship.. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 What are you asking?? Face it, you slept with each other - either get over it and date each other or move on and face the fact that no matter how 'ideal' you think you are, you both were willing to just have sex at the expense of the developing relationship.. I changed Question to Opinion. OUCH...i know things come accross differently on the internet, but WOW...that was like a smack! ](*,) Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Looks like he figured you were itching for sex and so was he. By asking the question, he was testing the waters to see if you would be up for it. He was somewhat surprised when you didn't say no because he figured, like you wrote here, that you are not the type of person to have sex without a relationship. Well, clearly you just proved that assertion wrong because not only did you not say "absolutely not" when he asked you that question, but ultimately you did have sex with him on your own free will. Now it seems you have regrets about going back on what you thought your convictions were so if you end up in a relationship with him you can then convince yourself that you didn't really have a one night stand and sex without a relationship because it developed into a relationship afterwards. However, that doesn't exactly fly because at the time you agreed to sex with him, you knew it was sex outside of a committed relationship...a wham bam thank you ma'am encounter...so even if ultimately down the road you do have a relationship with him, you can't escape the fact that yes, contrary to what you believed of yourself, you were indeed capable of having casual sex. You can't change what is already done but if you feel that isn't you then there is no reason for you to ever do it again. If he was interested in you for a relationship he would not have cut contact like this. I would suggest you put him out of your head and not get your hopes up with him. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 Now it seems you have regrets about going back on what you thought your convictions were so if you end up in a relationship with him you can then convince yourself that you didn't really have a one night stand and sex without a relationship because it developed into a relationship afterwards. Actually...i have no regrets what-so-ever, EVEN THOUGH the sex was short and not that great. That's not really the point. Sex is a very important aspect IN a relationship to me, and if i based it on that and only that, i would be a fool because he is simply astonishing in all other ways. I would be ok with not developing a relationship with him, but not ok with never knowing it could be one. I would never convey a relationship just to make myself feel better about having a one night stand. It happens. At least he is a wonderful human being. Link to comment
Sn0man Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Doesn't sound to me like a one night stand at all. Sounds like you two slept together. There's a BIG difference. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 Doesn't sound to me like a one night stand at all. Sounds like you two slept together. There's a BIG difference. Finally! A man comments. How so? From my understanding it's sleeping with someone once. Not necessarily never seeing them again. Link to comment
Sn0man Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 A 'One Night Stand' is something that happens randomly with someone you generally don't know and it happens only once and you never see eachother again and it means nothing. Sleeping together means you know eachother and even though it may never happen again, it meant something. As for the latter, there is a very real possibility it could lead somewhere down the road. To the former, not a chance. Link to comment
Psy Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 I think the likelihood of Mr and Ms Ideal going on to prove that the one night stand meant something is open and truly up to you. How would you feel about getting in contact with him again? If it's been a few weeks then I don't think that's either too short or long a hiatus to sensibly hit him up again. I don't know how useful it is for me to mention but personally, I don't think I could have a one night stand. Outside of relationships I've only have had very heavy physical encounters short of sex with people in casual settings a few times and each time I've been really hung up on the other person for a while because I find it nearly impossible to extract the emotional attachment from the sexual side! I don't mean to suggest that you seem insecure about what happened like I might, it sounds like you've made a considered choice and feel good for it. If you are genuinely interested in the guy and you get on so well on many levels, what do you have to lose by getting back in contact and allowing things to go the romantic way? I don't know how you feel about getting back in contact or waiting for him to do so, but I think if I were him a note or call to ask how the clearly quite busy and important (final exams?) schedule is going would give me a great boost and keep me interested. Sounds like he appreciates hearing from you, so I do think you should feel encouraged to get back in touch and see how things develop! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 >>He had asked me if I would ever have a one-night stand. I think you misunderstood his question. It wasn't a rhetorical question, he was asking you if you would have a one-night stand with him. And you did if it happened in Dec. and you haven't heard from him in a long time. And i think you set yourself up for trouble by believing in the 'ideal' relationship the way you do. You saw yourself as two 'ideal' people with the definition of ideal being you were each on your own people of high worth, and if two people of high worth get together, the relationship will be 'ideal' or of high worth because you perceive yourself as 'classy' individuals. But a relationship is something that is formed between two people by their shared goals, hopes, decisions, agreeements, respect, caring etc. It has to be agreed to and grown between two people and is not related to their 'worth' or perceived value. You were assuming it would be more than it because you perceive yourself (and him) as being people who were worth more than a one night stand, but that was the wrong assumption. Unless he gave you signs he wanted a relationship, that it was a goal of his, that you were dating and were going to continue to date and work towards a relationship, and he told you that he wanted to include you in that goal, there really wasn't any relationship there, let alone an ideal one. So perhaps you slept with him assuming he would never consider a one night stand with you because of your perceived intrinsic worth, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. So your assumptions were unfortunately wrong. Next time make sure you understand clearly what his goals are before sleeping with him. You had an inadvertent one night stand (i.e., not your intention), but it was obviously his intention and you misinterpreted him. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 I think you misunderstood his question. It wasn't a rhetorical question, he was asking you if you would have a one-night stand with him. And you did if it happened in Dec. and you haven't heard from him in a long time. Well...the way he said it honestly never came accross as him asking me. It seemed more general. Both of our sex partner numbers are very low. I am very careful about these things and he is actually overly-paranoid about STDS and pregnancy. I really don't know how he enjoys sex if he is so paranoid. But anyway, when we first started seeing eachother and watched a movie at his home, he was fixated on me and wasnt really paying attention to the movie. Random outburst of "when was your last relationship," then informing me that he is a passionate person and kisser. I wasn't even feeling this guy at first, he just seemed nice and I really needed a friend so i figured "hey, lets get to know eachother." I thought that's what we were doing, but asking when i was in a relationship last, or telling me your a passionate person and kisser....well don't tell me this if you're not going to kiss me passionately or want to develope a romantic relationship with me. "Ideal" or not, i was trying to make a comparison that we have similar values, goals, and dreams. I mean, if you think highly of yourself i am not saying anyone is perfect, but why be with someone who is way below what you believe you want and deserve? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 i'm not at all saying you should be with someone you think is beneath you, just don't make the mistake of assuming because you are both 'quality' people that him having sex with you means it's more than a one night stand. the two are indepedent of one another. There can be a lot of chemistry and commonality between people, but unless they both agree they want a relationship, it isn't a relationship, just sex or very casual dating with no commitment. unless you've actually talked about what the sex means (i.e., whether you are going to be exclusive, whether he just wants casual sex vs. a relationship), you don't really have a relationship and can't assume it will work out or be more than just sex. it could be more, but it could also just be a one night stand. he also might have been dating several women, and decided to get more serious with someone else rather than you. it really pays to investigate someone carefully before you have sex, unless you happy with just the sex and don't expect more than that. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 unless you've actually talked about what the sex means (i.e., whether you are going to be exclusive, whether he just wants casual sex vs. a relationship), you don't really have a relationship and can't assume it will work out or be more than just sex. it could be more, but it could also just be a one night stand. he also might have been dating several women, and decided to get more serious with someone else rather than you. it really pays to investigate someone carefully before you have sex, unless you happy with just the sex and don't expect more than that. Hmm. Interesting perspective. I agree with the notion of men losing interest in women after sleeping with them, and maybe that's what happened. I'm not completely set on that being true, because the little that i know about him and his lifestyle, i somehow know more about him than he realizes. The sex wasn't good or bad, but after i slept with him, i decided to go against having casual sex because i realized the possibilty of us having mind blowing sex if we actually slowed down and got to know eachother better. I'm not going to make this one of those "he's different" statements, but i have never been more mentally stimulated by someone as much as he does it for me. Good looks can only take you so far. He's an 8 on my radar, but a 20 on every other level. So as you can see it's hard for me not to wonder what could be beyond what had happened. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I think men who lose interest after sleeping with you once or a few times are either men who were never that interested in you to begin with or players who are just interested in scoring then moving on to the next woman. But i think this guy was only interested in a one night stand, because he specifically asked you what your thoughts were on that, then he had sex with you, then you haven't heard from him much since then. So he may be the greatest guy in the world, but if all he wanted from you was a one night stand, oh well, lesson learned! Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 i thought a one nighter is meet-sex-goodbye forever......if he fondled your goodies on a night before hand how was the second meeting a one night stand? Link to comment
EQD Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 the chances are slim. He hasnt contacted you much since the beginning of january. doesnt seem like he is interested. stop idealizing yourself and him. NO one is ever going to be 'ideal.' i agree with BSBH Link to comment
EQD Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 and also his 'disbelief' that you 'might' have a one night stand could have been a ploy to get you in bed faster. it may have had the same effect as a 'dare' he gave you a scenario in which you would have felt the need to prove that you could do this or that. i dont know if i conveyed that correctly but you get the idea. he could have just been a player. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I think men who lose interest after sleeping with you once or a few times are either men who were never that interested in you to begin with or players who are just interested in scoring then moving on to the next woman. But i think this guy was only interested in a one night stand, because he specifically asked you what your thoughts were on that, then he had sex with you, then you haven't heard from him much since then. So he may be the greatest guy in the world, but if all he wanted from you was a one night stand, oh well, lesson learned! Is it really hard to believe the good in people? Or are people like me just in denial??? He definitely is NOT the kind of person to sleep around, not that i don't want to believe this could be false, but sometimes you can really tell the kind of person someone is when they welcome you to their home. I don't know how to explain. Anyway, i am usually outspoken and don't have a problem expressing the way i feel nor scared to ask questions if have doubts, concerns, or questions...but with him, i think i gave a bit too much attention and for sure he enjoyed it before his new schedule began. He informed me about January being a very very busy time for him, so i ignored it i guess and then I realized what he meant when January came. I deleted my facebook account after his birthday because i was constantly waisting time daydreaming about him. He texts me to see what happened, and i didn't reply. He calls me to make sure i'm ok. Questioning what happened to my facebook account. Asking if i had a boyfriend that made me take it off, etc...i know he checks me out on a daily basis as i do him, but i thought...maybe if i delete this he'd figure out a way to get in touch with me other ways. I do miss seeing pictures of my niece and family more than i do him, but i guess this was the only way he could see me in between school, work, and studying. Did i just deprive him of the little bit of me that was left? I had to end a relationship with my x-best friend of 10 years, about 7 months ago because she was horibble at communicating with me other than via text. This doesn't mean that she didnt like/love me, it meant that she sucked at communicating! Eventually i just couldnt take it anymore and said if you can't invest a bit of your time, then i don't need you and that's what i did. Maybe he is just too busy right now. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Honey, it takes ONE MINUTE to pick up the phone and call you, talk to you, let you know they are thinking of you. If he wanted to date you and see you, he'd be calling you and talking to you even if he was busy. If he slept with you in Dec. and you haven't heard from him since then, then he's just not that into you... you may hear from him again, but honestly, you should be annoyed that he sleeps with you then disappears for more than a month with no explanation other than mumbling he's busy. You deserve someone who is really interested in you, calls you to find out how you are doing, takes you on dates etc. If he wanted to get in touch you with he could just pick up the phone and not play cat and mouse games with MySpace. Find a guy who really wants to spend time with you, and who treats you with respect. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Honey, it takes ONE MINUTE to pick up the phone and call you, talk to you, let you know they are thinking of you. If he wanted to date you and see you, he'd be calling you and talking to you even if he was busy. If he slept with you in Dec. and you haven't heard from him since then, then he's just not that into you... I thank you for your honest, but kind BLUNTNESS. Very much appreciated, but there is something huge that i left out what happened mid january. I didn't want to make this a long post that people get lost and lose interest reading, so i didn't include it. I was at the airport after a business trip from work, and as i was entering security, my mother calls to tell me she can't pick me up when i land because she wanted to go out (yeah, shocker to me too), and anyway i called him to see if he could do me a favor and i know it's last minute...his sister was in town leaving the next day, they were in the middle of painting the new condo. I already felt bad for interrupting his quality time with his sister who he rarely sees. He tells me not to worry about it, and although he was very busy...and dirty, he would come and pick me up from the airport. I would have taken a taxi, but my boss couldnt print a check until Monday. It was a saturday night, and when i landed...he had left a message that he knew i was financially not able to afford anything (didn't know my acount was litterally on zero--never ever happens), and his sister suggested that if i take a cab, she wouldn't mind reinbursting me. I have met his sister once. Anyway, me being totally embarrassed by the situation informed him that the last bit of cash was used to check in my bag, and that i was ok with waiting until they finished. I waited for an hour or so, and he was texting me back and forth saying his sister took his car and that as soon as she gets back he'll call me. Informing me the whole time how bad he felt, and on top of that his cell charger (the only one he has) is in his car, and his phone was dying. I went crazy at the airport, it was 3 am...i had landed at 11pm. He never came. I managed to get ahold of one and only one friend at that hour to pick me up, and got home around 5am! I texted him saying "Miracles happen, thanks for trying, and goodnight for life." That last part i could have left out. I was more mad at my mother for not picking me up, knowing she is my own blood...more so than some guy not picking me up. I wasn't really mad at him, but that text probably sounded like i never wanted to talk to him again. I am actually a very understanding person, i don't hold grudges. It does no good. I think he thinks i was mad and felt so bad he didn't know if contacting me was a good idea. Link to comment
i_win Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 He's not as into you as you should want him to be and that text you sent him was an easy out for him to stay out of your reach for good. If a guy wants to be with you he'll go out of his way to call you and definitely be there at the airport to pick you up when you need it most. I do think you are in a little bit of denial and you've put the idea of you and him on a pedestal and it has no reason to be there. Time to start looking for someone else and chalk this up to another life experience. You can do better. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I would say i am a hopless romantic, but denial has changed me into a hopeful romantic... Link to comment
madmarten Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Yeah, he played you a abit. But in fairness it sounded like you were up for it. BTW, sex usually isn't super great with somebody new for the first time. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 He left you stranded at the airport until 3 a.m.? Just texting and not showing up? He was making an extremely clear statement there that he is not your boyfriend, and he has no intention of seeing you again. It wasn't because you were 'rude' to him, it was because he was never going to come get you to begin with! This is not a 'quality' guy no matter what you think. He is someone who doesn't want a relationship with you, and is not honest enough to tell you that, just behaves badly and hopes you'll get the point and let it go. Let it go honey, he just isn't going to come around again, or if it does, it will be for another one night stand and he'll disappear again. Link to comment
Radίaηce Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Ugh...i'm just so...i don't know. He never sent mixed signals before. He was the one chasing me, and calling, texting, and returned some of the attention, but the second i really reciprocated, apparently that's when things sort of paused. I feel like i am waiting patiently because i still think he is worth the wait, however have no problem in dating other people and moving on at the same time. Maybe that's just what i need to do. Date other people. I will decide what to do with myself after a few more days of contemplating. *sigh* Or maybe i can just write a fairytale about how he and i live happily ever after, lol. I've always wanted to be an author for children's litterature. Link to comment
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