How to tell a friend her lover is a registered sex offender

[thomas more]

My wife and I have a friend who'm we've become somewhat entangled with.. other posts of mine explain this.

 

She, a woman in a very unhappy marriage has been having sexual encounters with and is having thoughts that this guy is someone she has a future with for her and her child. That he will take good care of her and her financial future. The sexual encounters have been nothing short of him just using her and she, being a women starved for some attention has been going back for more. In the meantime, the man has made friend with her husband and the husband, the woman and her child have been spending their evenings at his home.

 

The problem is, the man was convicted of a sexual assault on a woman half his age about 4 years ago and spent prison time. He is on the national and state registery of sex offenders under his real name, not the alias he has been using. We do not know if she knows his real name, or this piece of history. The details of the assault follow a pattern along the lines of what he has had for encounters with her. Get her drunk. (With husband drinking with them then leaving with child), then he makes his move. The assault included the woman being held hostage in the car, him forcing her to touch him and him tossing money at her saying it was hers if she did the deed.

 

And, his current 'business' does not really exist. The state and city do not have current paperwork for him, it was all ended at the year of the arrest.

 

So, the problem we have at hand is multiple.

 

Do we tell our friend what we know about him? Do we tell her about the assult and his status? Do we her tell about his false business?

 

And... how does one go about telling someone this over the phone? (We live a distance from her) Where do you start a conversation and go with a conversation like this that makes it clear she's in a bad situation with this guy; at least in our view. We don't want to alianiate our friend, suspecting she might be so hung up on him she is offended by us and defends him and perhaps even goes further with him. I've seen women in domestic abuse situations do that same sort of thing.

 

Is there a way to tell her this and have her be clear about the danger?

 

Yes, we did check up on him, something about him 'felt' wrong. Were we wrong to butt in like that? Will she think so? How do we present this as intended - done with great love for her?

[Scorpion Fury]

And are you sure about this, or could you be mistaken? You are going to look crazy stalker even if you're right, but especially if you're wrong.

 

Why haven't you backed off from this woman yet? did you seriously do all this research on this guy? For her best interest? Absolutely not. You are infatuated with this woman, and want to be with her. You can't handle the swinger lifestyle, and now you have made a mess for yourself.

 

BACK OFF and concentrate on your wife, or let her go and find someone that loves her and only her. And stop swinging. It's not for everybody, obviously.

[thomas more]

Please understand that this research was done with my wife's permission after she also grew concerned from his actions.

 

I understand that we might be seen as stalking.

 

Yes, we are certain about the facts, address checks out exactly on his registery listing and so on.

[metrogirl]

You can print his information from the registry and give it to her, that way it can't be disputed. His pic is right there and so are his crimes.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First off, if you do not have 100% accurate proof that this guy is the same person with a different alias, you shouldn't do anything. How did you determine he is this guy? You could be subject to a slander lawsuit if you tell her that he is someone who he isn't. If you just did some internet research and his name showed up linked up with this other name, there are millions of people with the same names that you might be tracking and it may not be him.

 

Next, you ARE behaving like a stalker if you are going behind some other woman's back and investigating people she is sleeping with, if she has not asked you to do so. So she may not only not appreciate you doing this, but it might really weird her out that you are so obsessed with her you are doing 'research' of this nature to try to get rid of her lover.

[lostandhurt]

She really isn't your friend since you have slept with her (even though your wife ok'd it) is she. I think your title is misleading a little but that is another thread.

 

If he is a registered offender he will be listed on the site with a picture and current address. If you are wrong with any info you spread about this guy you are asking for trouble. I think you should be 100% positive you are right before doing anything. By that I mean see an official picture of him stating he is an offender. You don't even know if he has already told her or not anyways.

 

Of course many of us here question your motives as we know you have feelings for this woman. Proceed with caution.

 

lost

[jcrisph]

How did you know this guy was using a fake name again and how did you figure out his real name?

[jenny_mcs]

Yeah, I am having the same problems understanding this as everyone else. If this guy is using an alias, how did you find out this information and how are you 100% certain it is the same guy?

[Creative]

If it's true, tell.

 

If you're not sure, don't tell.

[Miss Firecracker]

I believe you are in dangerous territory.

 

I think you should find a hobby.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, do you have his picture on the registry to identify it as him? And have you even seen this guy to know what he looks like?

 

If the offender is not registering his moves properly, he may at one time have lived at that address (and not be the same guy as living there now), or lied and given that address when he doesn't live there.

 

I have people calling my phone number sometimes where some deadbeat has given my phone number to creditors, when the person is obviously not me nor ever lived at this address. Same can happen with this kind of thing, where sex offender gives some other address to disguise where he is located.

 

So unless you've seen the guy, can do a positive identification with the picture on the sex offender website, you don't know it is the same guy.

[thomas more]

for me to find him. His yellow pages listing show the address of the building where the guy and this woman both have appartments. I called the city where he lives and asked for detailed information on his business as a consumer. The clerk told me the owners name and his former address. I then did a search for his real name and a newspaper article about the assult came up. In the acticle it said that he also goes by this alias. I looked up his real name in the sex offender registery and confirmed his address is the same as the yellow pages listing and see his photo. She had told me his age and that also tracks with the article that gives his age and the DOB info on the offender page. The offender page also gives his alias. These things line up. I made a call to the police department in that city and an officer confirms that he is the same person who was convicted of the crime as detailed.

 

So, no, I'm not worried I have the wrong guy, or anything like that. I am worried about her safety and that of her crippled son.

 

Current line of thought. If we do not tell her and he escilated to doing some of the stuff he did (And in some ways is now) or worse, then we would feel guilty for having not told her. Stats show that 96% of violent sexual offenders will act out that same or more harsh acts on a willing or unwilling victim. (I've spoken to an associate who volunteers as a rape counselor) If we tell her she can act as she wishes and goes further knowing his history. If we don't, then she does not know, we know and didn't tell her.

 

Getting lost in all of this is the headline question. How? Whats the starting point of telling her. I mean, do we just start with XXX is a registered sex offender with a past conviction? or is there a better way? Do we go hardcore and give her the horrible details in hopes she 'gets' it, or do we give her highlights and let her ask for more?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Look, she's not a child... you're treating her like she's a child and you're the parent.

 

If you are really going to tell her this, just call her up and tell her what you found out. That you thought he sounded fishy and you checked around and this is what you found out. Tell her what the link to the sex offender website is, and let her look for herself.

 

She may be grateful, or she may be really angry if he's already told her about this. And she may be uncomfortable with the paternalism that makes you sneak around behind her back checking up on her boyfriends, and it does feel stalkerish, like you are way to enmeshed in obsessing about her to even consider doing this.

 

You should have asked her first if it was OK to check him out, rather than just doing it. If you feel you need to tell her then do, but the consequence may be she's thankful, or may be that she's upset you're meddling in her life, and you have to be prepared to take either consequence.

 

btw, it is against the law to harass former sex offenders if they are not committing a crime or doing anything wrong. Most sex offender websites say that right up front, that you are not allowed to use any information found on that website to harass or cause damage to the individuals there. So you are taking a chance if you continue to bother or go after this man if he is currently doing nothing illegal and has already served his time.

[george237]

Just bring it up in a conversation.

 

Anyway speaking of funny stories I found someone on the sex offenders website that looks like your SO and lives in the same town, how weird is that? Who wants to sing karaoke?

[thomas more]

OK, so we put together our list of how to present it and my wife did so. She was very happy to have the information and that we had given it to her. She said she does not have internet and should have looked for some information on him, perhaps asking us to. What she does with it is up to her. She said she knew she had to be very careful around her. I always hope that my friends will keep me safe.

 

Looking someone up and then telling a friend they live near them is not harassment.

 

Now, if I call him and start working him on it, that's breaking the law, well understood and I'm not even going to touch that. Calling his landlord, putting up posters, all bad things to do.

 

Dont do that. OK. But the information is out there for people to go look up and know where predators are.

[penelope13]

Let me just understand: you told your wife that you had the lover of your lover checked out and your wife was totally fine with it, because supposedly the guy turns out to be a sex offender?

[thomas more]

If you saw my other posts, this was a woman that my wife and I had a several swinging enounters with and I had some affections for. My wife was aware of these as I am open and honest with her. She was aware of my 'gut feeling' that something was wrong with this guy from the start and gave me the go ahead to see if I could find if anything was or not. In part, to settle me down if I found nothing about him except he owned a business and perhaps had a couple of speeding tickets etc. Never in our minds did we expect this.

 

A major part of our relationship is that we are open and honest with one another. It works!

[Creative]

Let me just understand: you told your wife that you had the lover of your lover checked out and your wife was totally fine with it, because supposedly the guy turns out to be a sex offender?

 

I'm sure he had a certain confidence with regards to the situation before he told his wife that he'll check on him. Surely there couldn't have been so many coincidence.

 

 

 

As for BeStrongBeHappy,

 

Who cares what the woman thinks? If it's true, then tell it like it is.

 

Yes, maybe the OP will be seen as someone who is sneaking into the lives of others, and yes maybe he have other intentions besides that. But seriously now, if you have crucial information that could change people's lives for the better, then why not tell her?

[thomas more]

Ok, really it was a gut instinct thing. I'm not going to spend a lot of time defending it.

 

From the moment that she described her first enounter with him, what he said and what went on and his refusal to even offer any resp. for her, I felt, deep in my gut that this guy was bad news. How bad? Well, at first it was just one of those selfish guys who only care about them selves.. she already has that relationship with her husband. Secondly, he was caught in the middle of it and turned the womans husband into his buddy.. (noted in other posts in another topic area), a few moments later. Nice cover job. Sneeky. Didn't like it. Then the next time she played with him he refused to even try. Again, selfish. and she said she felt like a * * * * * to him when it was over. Any man who leaves a woman with that impression.. bad news.. she is lonely for affection.. any that comes her way and he gave some. So, I just kept feeling in my gut that this guy was trouble. After a few weeks of this my wife said "Well, why don't you just go look for him and see what you can learn. If he's not in trouble or had any past trouble, you have to let it go and figure out your gut was wrong.

 

Turns out it was not.