canali Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I'm torn: can't move on right now: to try again or have space, and be friends with ex down the road or let it all go and not be friends. Right now I just can't be a friend (yet am torn about trying again) and since she has called/emailed me (link is here: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268629 ) My head and heart feel like they've been tossed back 1-2 months of recovery (after almost 2 yr together we split in sept) ...one part of me feels compelled to send her a heartfelt letter explaining what I have learned/what I did wrong and yet another part of me realizes it is not only me who had issues/needs to make changes, but also her and her daughter..... Amazing isn't it how a breakup brings up so many unresolved feelings of anger/betryal/abandonment from past significant relationships?...you REALLY have to be cognizant of that or else you'll get so caught up in an internal emotional firestorm and make a mtn out of a molehill (well not quite but you get the point)...plus in pining for somone we often forget what forced the relationship to come to an end (again, not all my stuff or one sided).....one part of me really does want to move on while another part feels we didn't truly resolve things that could have/should have been resolved...but that can lead to one of those 2 yr relationships that due to getting back together ends up splitting more painfully another 2 or 5 yrs down the bloomin' road (hey life has no guarantees, right?) I've engaged in double messages/contradictions so am an idiot ie, I replied to her facebook request of ''i do miss you as a friend''with a ''sorry but i'm still healing and can't right now and wish her all the best'' (yet for last 2 months I am guilty to have engaged in double messages: ie I sent her an xmas card, gift to daughter (guilt for not being there for her/opening up my heart more) and xmas call asking her to call...so she calls xmas day...then i get call and facebook email/phone call and my contradictory double messages are put to the test sending her a ''sorry i'm still healing/processing..maybe later'' I send another email the following day (this wkend), this one more heated, ''i dont believe in being friends with exs...so best to move on...we had potential but you didn't see it as such....c'est le vie...i wish you well'' ...then another email (360) next day stating ''sorry for harshly toned email ...maybe in future we can hang but right now I just can't.'' maybe due to my unresolved stuff (immaturity, too?) I have never really believed in becoming friends with exs...move on man is my motto....save the real friendships for those lovers who didn't break your heart to * * * * ...i do have one of those (we only dated a month and so most of my heartache was infaturation..since then we have become great friends for one another, such that she often advises me here of what to do/not do)...but again that was a 1 month gig, not a 2 yr gig in which you really did share alot/fell in love. Link to comment
xRoh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 successful after.. hmm.. nearly 2 years. he was my first love. started dating when i was 16, he was 17. we were together on and off for over 2 years. ended very badly after finding out he was cheating and took a LONG time to get over him. with all the emotional garbage between him and i gone, we're able to maintain a close friendship. we have always had a lot in common so it made sense. until you get over her, friendship is impossible. you'll always be longing for more, hoping she wants the same. it will only end in heartbreak. so get over her first before considering friendship. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Successful with my very first ex, but...we broke up 18 years ago, and it took him a long time to want to be friends (I broke up with him). He found me via Google last year, and we've been in contact ever since. He's married now, and happy in his marriage, and we've both grown up and moved on, and we've struck up a really wonderful friendship. We e-mail multiple times a day. In fact, he just e-mailed me right now. My most recent ex...ahhhhh...welll...he thinks we're friends, and I'm trying, but...my heart still hurts, so it'll be awhile. I don't really count him among my friends because I am not over him, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be. Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Sucessful with some, not with others. Takes maturity and sensitivity. One of my closest friends is an ex. The attraction is still there with her, albeit very mildly. Neither of us want to screw it up (the friendship) I think that it really depends on how you break up and how you behave post breakup and how much you want to make the friendship work. Personally I am on fairly good terms with many of my ex's though not necessarily "friends" with all - but at least we can be civil if we cross paths. I could never understand people who hate their ex's (abuse excepted) Link to comment
canali Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 no i don't hate her at alll...one part of me really pines for her while yet another is unsure if it IS best that we're apart....i've remained stuck for a good 4 months....even when i remember the stuff that drove us apart, I often think: could this have been avoided with a different outlook and more open talk and better communication? can anyone relate? Link to comment
Venomite Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Me and my ex are still best friends. We broke up in September, and went NC/LC until just before Christmas where she came back into my life. We are both still in love with each other but we know the best thing for both of us is to just be friends, and I am honestly okay with that. Link to comment
Anusha Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Im trying to be friends with my ex at the moment.It isnt so bad as I though would be.I think is because now we can relate so much better than when we were a couple.No more fights and demands or frustration for expectations that were not meet,just fun and good conversations.For me the friendship is working for now. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I no longer speak to any of my ex's. I've never been able to go "back" like that once a relationship ends, once you've shared so much more. if they want to call me I talk...but i never reach out Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 .. Yeah, I don't mean I would turn my back on them...just that I never sought them out. but i am getting to that point Link to comment
tina-rocks Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Well for me after over 20 years of not seeing my first love I am now talking with him. Never really trust him but I do talk with him. As for my broken marriage. I will never be friends with my ex husband as the betrayal there was far too damaging for me personally. Link to comment
Fitchik Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I'm think I'm an exception ... I am friends with most of my ex's. My ex-husband and I are really good friends (we do share a child) and talk almost weekly. Sometimes just to say hello. My current ex and I are friends also...or at least are friends now seeing if we can maybe create a "new" relationship. I think for some people staying friends works, and for others not so much...it's just a case by case situation. Link to comment
canali Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 i hope to eventually get there...am frozen right now in what to do (4 mo separation/i was the dumped)...she facebooked me last week wanting to add me to her 'friends' profile and saying ''i do miss you as a friend'' (she has mentioned this a few times to me)...but I feel mixed feelings: on the one hand maybe 2 yr IS the amt of time we should have had and just ran out of gas (it does happen, right), or to try again but fear we'll get caught up in that cycle of makeup/breakup for years ad nauseum; or just to heal first and then let it go....i have made up a 1 page letter talking about the things that were not working but my ego doesn't want to expose itself and end it so instead I'm thinking of hardcore NC...esp given after her facebook invite i sent her an email saying i'm not ready for such and often dont' become friends with exs....so who knows... Link to comment
John Bendix Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I'm think I'm an exception ... I am friends with most of my ex's. My ex-husband and I are really good friends (we do share a child) and talk almost weekly. Sometimes just to say hello. My current ex and I are friends also...or at least are friends now seeing if we can maybe create a "new" relationship. I think for some people staying friends works, and for others not so much...it's just a case by case situation. This last part I agree with completely. One of my best friends in the world is an ex. I broke up with her to go out with my now ex-wife. As for my ex-wife, not so much. She left me and the kids to go on her life's adventure in a very disturbed state and totally blames me for "having" to leave. Very few (if any) rational conversations in 3 years. Even when I tried to get along (took some doing), she was convinced that I had an agenda. Link to comment
thorpe Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm friends with my ex college girlfriend, we broke up in 1986. Even after we split, and she'd moved on, we'd exchange letters. She'd always say I was her closest friend and I'd say thanks, but always wanting more. That was until I fell for someone else and got married. I got divorced 12 years ago and now I'm true friends with my ex college girlfriend because neither of us have any romantic aspirations. She's been married for almost 20 years and I'm militantly single so there's no pressure and we just have a nice warm feeling between us. She lives in France and I'm in the US so we keep in touch via the odd phone call, but mostly it's emails. So yes you can be friends with an ex. I would have a better relationship with my ex-wife if I'd moved on from her, but I haven't and to be friends you have to come to it as equals. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I would love to be friends with my first serious boyfriend from college. He's a great guy. Other than that, all my other exes lied to me or cheated on me or hid things. I woulldn't behave like that towards a friend much less a lover. So why would I even consider keeping them as friends? Link to comment
Dmd Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm trying to be friends with my ex. At this point, I'm unsure why, to be quite honest. I told her while we were going out that she was my best friend, and I meant it. I still want her to be my best friend, but if I'm honest with myself, she's not. She has a new boyfriend, a man she met shortly after our break up...with a week or two. I believe she's the type of person who makes anyone she's with at the time, her best friend. My calls, texts and emails go unanswered. When she does respond we have to keep it light and she doesn't like answering questions about the break up anymore. She's completely moved on, and I'm still stuck with left over feelings and questions. I'm sure with time, we'll be able to be friends. But, certainly not close ones. I could see a casual call here and there to find out how everything is going, but probably not much more than that. I miss my best friend so much, but I think I'm ready to just give up and go my separate way. I just end up hurting more because I feel much more than she does. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Not successful with any after more than three months. Link to comment
veneratio Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm trying to be friends with my ex right now. I know it's going to be a struggle, but I believe once she gets past this "fear" things will be ok. So..we'll see if it's successful. Link to comment
thorpe Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm trying to be friends with my ex right now. I know it's going to be a struggle, but I believe once she gets past this "fear" things will be ok. So..we'll see if it's successful. The thing is you only become friends when the struggling stops. My ex college gf is amazing person and she was very worried about me after our split. She sent me letters asking how I was for years and there's always a Christmas card and postcards from her vacations. I was once jealous of her husband and missed her so much, but now there's none of that only a 25 year friendship. I don't think I'll get there with my ex-wife as I haven't moved on so there is tension and even though we sometimes email it's never very deep or meaningful, just about work and friends nothing about herself. My college gf's emails are different as she tells me about her worries about her parents health, when she's happy or sad and her desires for the future, they are far more personal than my ex-wife's emails. That's because my college gf knows that I only want her friendship, nothing more, there's no agenda. Link to comment
worldsaway90 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm really good friends with my ex-ex. We broke up around a year and a half ago, and it was only since my now ex and I broke up that she came back into my life. We have been really close the past 2months - and really appreciate the friendship that we have. The other day she even said I can imagine us still being close and talking when we're old haha. I would love to still be friends with my ex, however I am still too hurt and in love with her for that to happen. But more than anything from that relationship, right now I miss the friendship the most - as she knew my life inside out for a year and I would tell her everything. Link to comment
thorpe Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Yes IMO ex-ex friendship is far easier than ex friendship. Link to comment
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