ex called/emailed missing me as afriend...what to do/have mixed feelings

i was the dumped after a 2 yr relationship which ended 4 mo ago (but i also was acting in dumping ways so sort of precipitated her doing it)...

here is more info on 'us'

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268534

she called me last night opening some wine (we explored wine alot together..sometimes too much so, since that for last 3 mo have avoided any/all alcohol completely) and said she was wondering how i'm doing and to call her...also got a facebook: ''Laurel added you as a friend on Facebook. We need to confirm that you know Laurel in order for you to be friends on Facebook. Laurel says, "How can you tell I'm drinking red wine? I called you. I do miss you as a friend. Call me-L.".''

i felt a huge surge of mixed emotions: on the one hand a feeling we could rework out some snags (some of the stuff was unspoken and poor communicaton..universal theme) but also felt weird ie, hurt anger some sadness...but also a higher part of me (nobler more idealistic self?) wanted to open up my heart and see if a friendship could be there for one another as there are alot of common values and great times we shared...i mean sometimes not everything works out as a relationship...does it mean you have to write off the person entirely?...sometimes it's a matter of detaching your ego and opening up one's heart too....yet it would be hard to be with her and have some guy in the background, too....ay vay...she did say she needed more of a guy's guy and didn't feel protected around me and i retorted (in the end) that i needed a more feminine woman who can open up emotionally and dressup/down...differences???

...also had a dream of her last night contacting me and wanting to meet with her..went to an apt where I met her daughter and there was some scruffy guy...i asked...''do you really expect me to be able to go this route?'' and stormed out feeling so alone....so am not sure how to play it.

one part of me just wants to cancel facebook completely, too.

Do you seriously want to reconcile with your ex?

I suspect it is too early to br friends with her.

And your feelings that surface in your dream at seeing her with another man are almost certainly what they would be if you were to see that in real life.

gee: as per reconciling: i'm unsure...one part does as we had many great times but another part is wavering as there WERE differences...but i don't wish to push her away either as deep inside i feel we'll have some connection for a long long long time...still confused.

gee: as per reconciling: i'm unsure...one part does as we had many great times but another part is wavering as there WERE differences...but i don't wish to push her away either as deep inside i feel we'll have some connection for a long long long time...still confused.

Well, you're too confused at the moment about your ex. I suggest you take more time for yourself to clear your confused thoughts. If you want to reply tell her you are not ready to be friends, yet, and that you need time to heal. Maybe, after you guys can give it another shot at being friends...if this is truly what you want. I sense you still have deep feelings for her. Being friends right now will hurt you. Be wise and make the right decision. Good luck to you my friend.

gee

I suspect it is too early to br friends with her.

 

And your feelings that surface in your dream at seeing her with another man are almost certainly what they would be if you were to see that in real life.

Another good point! Don't overlook this.

gee

God, I hate it when ex's do this. I find it really selfish actually.

God, I hate it when ex's do this. I find it really selfish actually.

I agree with this - it is pretty selfish to try to cherry-pick the parts of a relationship that you want. It is not that much different from breaking up with someone who loves you but still wanting to have sex without love or commitment.

clementine/dn

is it my behaviour/wishes you're unhappy with?..I mean i am confused...

clementine/dn

 

is it my behaviour/wishes you're unhappy with?..I mean i am confused...

No - hers. She want the part of the relationship that worked for her - friendship - but nothing else. That isn't fair to you.

just sent this emai to her (she is taking a yr off of work, btw, hence the reference)....a gal at work thought it succinct and polite.

"Hey, L, I just got your messages.

Hope all is well and that your year off

will be one of discovery, fulfillment,

growth and, of course,

great memories, experiences and fun.

As per your messages, however, I think it best just

to continue to have space apart. I'm still healing

and processing.

Take care, L and I do wish you (and your family)

the very best going forward."

just sent this emai to her (she is taking a yr off of work, btw, hence the reference)....a gal at work thought it succinct and polite.

 

"Hey, L, I just got your messages.

 

Hope all is well and that your year off

will be one of discovery, fulfillment,

growth and, of course,

great memories, experiences and fun.

 

As per your messages, however, I think it best just

to continue to have space apart. I'm still healing

and processing.

 

Take care, L and I do wish you (and your family)

the very best going forward."

Good one! Now go do what you said you are going to do...HEAL!

Good luck!

gee

thanks...some would have it not to reply at all, but that is not mt style (all about karma and having respect for self and others)...she is not a mean spirited person and neither am I ...'

but yes will continue to heal...actually hoping to start some dating the next few months just to get out there, make some new friends and get some attention to my ego again.

thanks...some would have it not to reply at all, but that is not mt style (all about karma and having respect for self and others)...she is not a mean spirited person and neither am I ...'

 

but yes will continue to heal...actually hoping to start some dating the next few months just to get out there, make some new friends and get some attention to my ego again.

Wondering..what are you going to do if she replies? Are you going to ignore it?

gee

I don't know....it all depends on what she replies about, I guess...but I am hoping she won't....i've never been in a relationship in which one wants to be friends afterwords...to me it demands too much....or if so it has to be wayyyyyy down the road when you basically don't have so much emotional investment in them anymore....she is always on my mind, i must admit, despite getting out more and doing things with new groups of people (will also start volunteering next week for big brothers)...so we'll see...i mean there were things she did that drove me nuts in the end (and vice versa) and I also feel I could have not sweated the small stuff as much...and despite wanting MY behaviour to be different, it would also take effort from both her and her daughter showing more respect and consideration, too, otherwise the patterns just get reignited...plus LOTS more communication.

regardless, i'm trying to be 'noble' (whatever the frig that means, lol!) and rise above the anger, sadness and hurt...we'll see what happens but I suspect i'll be with someone else eventually and hopefully can at that point be good friends with L, too, as I DO want to be there for her.

Although she did the dumping, it sounds like it was pretty much both of you realizing it wasn't working, so it was a mutual break up. Is it not possible to work things out...have a heart to heart with her and see if there is enought there to get back together..both committed to fixing the issues?

she told me in person that while she loved me she didn't love me completely ie, that she needed a ''man's man'' who could fix things (I am not a handy man... * * * * i grew up without a dad/masculine influence...what the frig!)..the next day she sent an email saying that she realized that the reason she was so * * * * * y on our trip was that she was using me as she is very lonely and was crying while writing that letter...that she hoped i would find someone to love me the way I deserved to be loved....

later in other emails she said we were too different (despite us doing a ton of things together), ie, she wanted to live in some small community in van island while I was the city boy...i also told her i would have lived anywhere to be with her (which is true)...emotionally she could be closed off,i,e often it was as if our roles were reversed: i would be pulling teeth to get her to open up and talk about why she was down or whatever.......so don't know...will see.

I have written a long letter (but not sent to her) telling her the things I've learned and such and also the regrets I have on both of our parts and feel that they were needless....but such is hindsight, right?

I did send her emails afterwords wanting to work things out but got a repeated ''i'm very sorry but all i'm capable of is to be friends with you.''...then 2 months later (in nov) I called her and she again said needed a man's man...thought (get this!) thats I liked clothes and shopping too much (yeah, so what?...but I didn't dress up for her much as I was 20 lb overweight and couldn't fit into my canali, armani or zegna for * * * * sakes!)...plus that I had lost respect for her and her daughter's bs and the lack of boundaries (I wasn't the first guy to have experienced this, I know..there was another b4 me who didn't care for her daughter, although in the end I did try to make amends with a heartfelt xmas gift and card...oh well, live and learn, man.

and that is the thing about relationships: they all have an expiry date IMO...some last 1 yr..some last 5 yrs and others last 25 yrs..but most of us are destined to have multiple partners, and of course we all hate the thought because we crave emotional stability: and the thought of multiple partners (never finding ''the one'' that elusive romantic ideal) means ongoing happiness mixed with pain and onward growth...or am I just being cynical?

Decided to grow some balls and think of my needs as per this email I just sent her. "Just thought sorry but I am not into being friends with exs...so best to move on...imo we had potential but u don't so cest le vie baby...I wish u well."

She sounds like the type who would complain about you no matter what kind of man you are. She needs a "man's man"?? give me a break! A lot of women would be happy to find someone who is in touch with their sensitive side, or a guy who enjoys shopping with them. She sounds to me like the type who is trying to avoid looking at her own issues, so she comes up with things about her partner to complain about.

Always sees the glass half empty as far as you're concerned-do you know what I mean?

what is even worse: i just send her another text msg today saying ''sorry last night for the harshly sounding email but for now I just can't do that''

that ole' struggle between not wanting to have anything to do with them yet realizing that they are a good person and you can posssibly have something more platonic in the future once the ego gets removed and you've healed