realizing that with relationships/expectations: not everything lasts

trying to take more 'buddhist' approach to life/relationships in realizing that not everything lasts forever. (esp susan jeffers' ''feel the fear and do it anyway'' or ''embracing uncertainty''....feel free to suggest any other helpful 'healing' books you've come accross as i'm trying to soak 'em up to get

to a better place..in addition to trying to make more friends and volunteer more and work on my career).

I just came out of a 2 yr relationship 4 mo ago (I was the dumped although in the end my behaviours were also those of the dumper...just got my ass kicked to the curb instead of hers, although it still broke my heart)...i always have problems with endings, having lost both my parents when young...so endings (even if it's a good thing as it has sometimes) brings up so much grief and fears of abandonment/loneliness etc (yuck!!)...am sure my feelings are shared by many, however.

our last trip which shot us in the toilet was down the oregon coast in sept an it was the the trip from hell ...i was snapping at her at timest towards the end while often she was emotionally closed off. (she dumped me saying she needed a ''man's man'' who could fix things and make her feel protected...whatever...)...there were also issues with her 18 yr old daughter who could be rude/annoying and her mom was lax so i ended up losing respect for them both at times ie no boundaries set...(her deadbeat dad was always a no show so i was the ''enemy'' taking away time from mom...mom and dad divorced 5 yr ago after 15 yr marriage...he was having affair on her)...still i sent daughter bd gift on xmas ($50 gift cert) telling her i regretted not being there for her and hoped that i could in the future at some point..gave her a booklet by oprah on 'the best of ''what i know for sure'' ' you know sayings like on ''the happiness you feel is directly related to the love you give'' and so on (as daughter, like mom, could be cynical at times)...daughter sends me card saying thanks for much for gift...was totally unexpected and appreciated and hope i'm doing well and to take care....hey man i tried for good karma...and sometimes when you're away from things you realize how you often f..ked up and could have done things more lovingly, not sweated the small stuff, right...why does it always have to be 20/20?

so many of us want love to last forever, don't we?...but is it really a valid expectation (key work there: ah those expectations which mess us all up so often in subtle ways)...i mean we DO change and what works now may not work in the future.... i realize for example that i overinvested in my gal (most of my buds are back east in toronto) so now i wish to make more friends and enjoy life more without thinking of finding someone...trying to make me more complete.

....plus after the infatuation stage you more clearly see the other in all their flaws..so either your love matures or it doesn't (and it takes BOTH people to want to move that way, too)....

...also i realize that we all have different styles of expressing and needing love: one wants affection and sees a practical person's actions (paying the bills, planning, fixing things) as not loving (and vice versa)...one thing out of all of this I DO realize is that there is something to be LEARNED from all pain if we want to, in order to grow...also that communication is SO needed..that often we don't really talk about the hard topics...just bury 'em and hope that smiles, more sex, buying things, doing things will take care of ''those issues'' that really need addressing because it's those ''issues'' that really make you or break you.

excuse the ramble, folks

thanks for your post canali... i feel similar... cause my parents kicked me and my siblings out when we were still kids... so i know what you mean. i am in a relationship... but don't believe anyone can love me. and i'm afraid to love because of endings... it's so scary to me...

i'm not afraid to love...just always dread the 'ending' (heck don't most relationships end, when we think about it?)...more and more am trying to become more self sufficient and 'present' situated ie, not focus on ''is this the one i could live with forever?'' pressure ...instead ''can me and this person spend some quality time together NOW'' and with fewer expectations

(which so often * * * * things up)....can anyone relate? alot of this came from

'bruce fisher's ''rebuilding'' book, which is highly acclaimed and which i also recommend.

I can totally relate with what you are saying. I find that when I stop expecting and anticipating and just live in the moment I lead a much more pleasant life and feel more at ease. I also feel more spiritually in touch with myself and others. I would like to delve deeper into this and grow but it does take a lot of self exploration and time.

<...plus after the infatuation stage you more clearly see other in all their flaws..so either your love matures or it doesn takes both people to want move that way too>

this is cleary where my exbf could not get pass... I believe.

I was something he wanted, something he chased... I was a challenge for him I guess. He chased me so hard... and was so proud of our relationship. He moved fast that is was disconcerning. I used to tell him "there's more to me than just this pretty face"... cause he used to say how pretty I was all the time. I worried the day would come when his infactuation would wear off and he would start to see me for who I am... a human. ... and that's exactly what happened. After a year of dating, real life gets in the way and adjustments need to be made. That's when true love begins. When communication needs to be the top priority, compromises, sacrifices and the ability to handle disappointments and the ability to not think you partner should meet every waking need of yours.

This is where he faulted I think. He was so extremely disappointed that I could not meet all of his needs. ... but then he never told me what his needs were, he just communicated that he was unhappy both times he broke up. I never knew what made him unhappy cause he never told me. He kept it all inside but yet expected me to fulfill him. It was impossible.

I really think he acted irrationally on the break-up... but it's done and there was so much pain in watching him leave and pain these last 11 weeks, I could not go back at this point.

but I have learned alot too from this break-up. The next guy who doesn't communicate to me, I am outta there. All you are doing is setting yourself up for heartbreak... because under that non-communication is alot of expectations that will never get met or resolved... because they are never talked about. It's really sad... I wonder if my exbf even gets it at times... I wonder if he realizes he was so unfair in not communicating anything to me... or if he still just still blames me straight out for not meeting his needs.

Who knows... I won't be dating anymore for a long while.... there is just too much disappointment in this dating stuff, ugggh.

''He was so extremely disappointed that I could not meet all of his needs.''

but my dear you have to be careful here: no one person can or should meet your needs...think of love as an investment: you don't put all your life's savings into just ONE stock do you, because if it dives you're in trouble...same with relationships...your other friends/outlets/hobbies/job/volunteering should take care of other needs, too.

plus what are your highest needs adn what can they meet? prioritize them