A very tragic hi

[AronSchneider]

It is not even a year since I came out from a 5, 5 years relationship. It has been a very tuff time for me and after summer I moved to another city for University studies. I have just one exam left to my bachelor degree in political science but I thought it would be nice to read something fun for a year before I go for my Masters at the same University. It has been tuff, but I slowly started to create a new life. I started dating girls again and I meet one that likes me and that I really do like back. She would be the perfect girlfriend. I also got new friends. Everything slowly moved back to normal.

 

Just before Christmas a foreign student I dated awhile, (right after the break up from my ex) called me. We had not spoken for two months; in fact we had not hanged out for months. She told me that she was pregnant. It did not make sense. My Christmas and New Year was pretty much destroyed. I could not believe it. She sent this in a text message and then claiming that I had an affair, even though we did not date anymore. When I called her she did not answer her phone. Just after Christmas I got on hold on her.

 

Everything she said after that did not make sense. At first she had spoken to a medical doctor that was a woman, then it was a man and then right after she had not talked to a doctor but a nurse, a nurse she could not name. She told me she had talked to her sister and then in the same phone call she told me that she had not. It was not making any sense.

 

I thought about it a lot and checked my accounts and saw that if she was pregnant I was the father. We had meet once and had sex. I remember that and she had told me to come inside her and even tried to have sex with me without a condom. I remember that we had sex “once” without a condom that night. So I’m the father is by 100 percent me. I told her that she had to do an abortion. Because she had just gone eight weeks and it was possible for her to have a medical abortion which means that she just need to eat to two pills and go home. She refused claiming that she could not kill the child; it was against her Christian fate.

 

She is a foreign student from Cameroon, studying her Master in information here. As many Africans and third world country immigrants they move to Sweden because it provides them free University education. Foreign students just need to prove that they have someone that support them and that they have some money on the bank. Most of them do not finish it in time and after four-five years they have the right to get a permanent residency, which means the right to move to London or any European Union country, or they stay longer for a citizenship through marriage and then they move to Canada, make a living and send money to their family back home. I did not know that before I meet her. I thought she was like every other “western students” that just come to Sweden. Study for awhile and then go home.

 

She has just a student Visa, not a permanent Visa, which give here the right to get free medical care and the right to work. But if she does not pass her courses she will not be able to stay in Sweden. She gets money from her parents and from relatives living in Europe and from working. This is a very low amount, she maybe have 500 dollars a “good” month. This is comparing to a Swedish student that gets little less than 1000 dollars each month in loans and student grants from the State. This is not enough to survive so Swedish student’s spare time work and let their parents go in with money. In the beginning and in the end of a term my parents pay my monthly dorm fee on 400 dollars.

 

Swedish students have less money each month then a person living on social welfare. She is considered to be extremely poor. When we dated I bought food for her once for 100 dollars so she could survive for two weeks, she asked me often for money for her cell phone or for buss tickets so she could get to work.

 

My point is that she has very, very few rights in this country and she is extremely poor. I’m also very young. I will turn 24 in three weeks and she will turn 29 soon. I’m not ready to be a dad and frankly, childbirth should be something amazing, not something that just one do because of religious and other issues. It’s very disturbing that she does not seem to care that my life will be turned upside down and her life will be completely destroyed. She hopes that the Swedish social system will help her. But

 

But who will help the child to speak Swedish, were are she going to live (she has a room in a apartment that she cannot keep for a longer period of time), what if she cannot get child support from the state, I have no money and can’t support her. It’s impossible for her to have this child. She will not even be able to put food on the table or buy winter cloths to the child. Today she asked me if I could give her some money for food. She lie to herself and act as many other africans, live for the day and do not see further in time. She is in her 14-15th week and after 18th week it will impossible to do an abortion. She does not listen to me.

 

This will be very sad…

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, don't assume she is really pregnant, nor that it is your child. Until you get a paternity test, you can't be sure, and she may just be trying to get your sympathy to get money from you, and might not even be pregnant.

 

Tell her that you will talk about support after the baby is born and you've taken a paternity test. If she is trying to scam you, she will know it won't work becuase you are demanding a paternity test before you assume any responsibility financially.

 

You cannot make her get an abortion, but you can let her know that you are not going to fall for a scam trying to get money from you when you may not even be the father (if she is even pregnant). The fact that she tried to get you to have unprotected sex makes me think she was trying to set you up in advance to extort money from you.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I told her that she had to do an abortion. Because she had just gone eight weeks and it was possible for her to have a medical abortion which means that she just need to eat to two pills and go home. She refused claiming that she could not kill the child; it was against her Christian fate.

 

I'm all about choice, but frankly your attitude sucks. You had sex with her, you came inside her, you cannot just TELL her to have an abortion because that suits you!

 

My point is that she has very, very few rights in this country and she is extremely poor. I’m also very young. I will turn 24 in three weeks and she will turn 29 soon. I’m not ready to be a dad and frankly, childbirth should be something amazing, not something that just one do because of religious and other issues. It’s very disturbing that she does not seem to care that my life will be turned upside down and her life will be completely destroyed. She hopes that the Swedish social system will help her. But

 

Well, you created the baby, you're going to have to face the fact that yes, your life IS going to be turned upside down. She's not going to conveniently vanish just because it messes up your life.

 

You need to sit down with her and discuss options. I can see that it's a shock, but to be honest, it's your own choice and responsibility, so I think you do have to face it head on.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I’m not ready to be a dad and frankly, childbirth should be something amazing, not something that just one do because of religious and other issues. It’s very disturbing that she does not seem to care that my life will be turned upside down

 

YOU should have thought about that when you were having unprotected sex and getting off with her.

 

It's too late now and I agree 100% with Honey, your attitude completely sucks. You made this baby and it is completely selfish of you to feel the way you do towards this girl. You are acting like it is all her fault.

[SapphireNoir10]

You need to stand up and take responsibility the best to your ability. I also suggest if she has the child to have a paternity test just in case.

 

Abortion may not be the option shes after.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But he's not even sure it's his baby. He had sex with her once, has had no contact with her, and the first call she makes to him she's asking for him to give her money.

 

If it is his baby, he should be responsible and will have to pay child support, but he needs to make sure it is his child before agreeing to support her financially. She is an adult who also had unprotected sex, and needs to be able to support herself if she chooses to keep the baby, and not expect him to support her before she has the baby.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Yes, the first step to take after the child is born is to have a paternity test done.

[Salicia]

I'm all about choice, but frankly your attitude sucks. You had sex with her, you came inside her, you cannot just TELL her to have an abortion because that suits you!

 

 

Well, you created the baby, you're going to have to face the fact that yes, your life IS going to be turned upside down. She's not going to conveniently vanish just because it messes up your life.

 

You need to sit down with her and discuss options. I can see that it's a shock, but to be honest, it's your own choice and responsibility, so I think you do have to face it head on.

 

I honestly have to agree with Honey Pumpkin. You may not be ready to be a dad but a baby is going to make you parent whether you are 24 years old, 15 years old or 45 years old.

 

You and her also have different viewpoints about this situation. The best thing that you should do is talk with her and see if there can be a medium.

 

If you both ultimately decide to have the baby and you still have doubts about whether you are the father or not, take a paternity test as soon as the baby is born.

[AronSchneider]

The law is very clear on this point, that the social service most find out who the father is. It’s the Swedish policy that every child should know who the father and the mother is. This is also the case for children that are adopted abroad. I cannot hide and walk away. The state can claim money from me until the child is 20 years old. This is calculated on my salary. As a university student I will not need to pay anything, the state will go in and help her but this is just maybe because she does not have permenant residency. When I start working this childsupport thing will kick in. Often you just pay 300-400 dollars a month and when I start working I will be able to provide this. I will also give more then I need. The kid should not be growing up in extreme poverty. I’m also afraid that the child will grow up in an immigrant ghetto and not have the same opportunities that I have or rather had.

 

What worry me is that I do not think she can handle a child, not financially or socially. She works night at McDonalds as a cleaning lady, making no money and during the days as cleaning lady at a hotel, like many other foreign students from the third world. She cannot get full time anywhere because she does not speak the language and even the refuges has more rights than her. The rest of the time she tries to finish her studies but I think she mentally dropped off after one semester.

 

She spent her time in her small room. In the room she has a large TV, a bed with sheets but not to cover sheets to all her pillows and quilts. She takes old food from McDonald and collects McDonalds toys. She has cloths, some pretty cloths but mostly things that is very cheap and out of date. Her sister in Germany, that is married to German man send her cloths and other things. But her winter jacket (this is Sweden and its cold 9 months a year) is terrible thin and is filled with holes.

 

She has some friends, most of them still back in the student town she left for Stockholm. She talks to them over the phone. She also has some friends in Stockholm that she hangs out with. She spends a lot of time with one of the children in the family she lives with. The family is African. Her room cost half her earnings and the family want her out of there. She gave her student apartment away for a couple of months ago, but she still gets mail sent there.

 

When I talk to her about all of this she tells me that everything will be fine. She does not seem to think about her future. She says that she will not give the child away for adoption.

 

In fact, I will take my responsibility but frankly. She needs to realize that she is a different country, with a different culture, with no family, with no money and far away from home. But she seems not to care. She tells me that I just need to give her information and that is all. Today I asked her if we could meet with social worker and she refused. She trusts the nurses at the clinic but they can do very little about all this, she has fallen between the chairs and she does not realize it.

[AronSchneider]

YOU should have thought about that when you were having unprotected sex and getting off with her.

 

It's too late now and I agree 100% with Honey, your attitude completely sucks. You made this baby and it is completely selfish of you to feel the way you do towards this girl. You are acting like it is all her fault.

 

Its very easy to say that....I did not come inside her..I took it out and she freaked out when I did that...But it does not matter. I had unprotected sex...

[agatha]

get her to do pregnancy tests prior to anything. drag her to doctors and social workers. why should she be afraid of them?

 

then, do all you can to confirm if you are really the father or not. even if she was not a foreigner in need of a visa, it could be a scam, so make yourself sure it's not.

 

it's a tough situation there, and you'll need to be a man. good luck.

 

(and having or not the baby is her choice, and her choice only. don't force her to do it just because both were irresponsible and didn't think of the consequences.)

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though she was trying to get pregnant, and she may have had unprotected sex with a number of guys while assessing which one would be best to pin it on.

 

Two things; an STD test for you, immediately. Then a lawyer. The lawyer should insist on a paternity test as soon as it's possible to perform one.

 

For your own head, don't play victim. It's not productive. Learn from this, instead.

 

In your corner.

[AronSchneider]

get her to do pregnancy tests prior to anything. drag her to doctors and social workers. why should she be afraid of them?

 

then, do all you can to confirm if you are really the father or not. even if she was not a foreigner in need of a visa, it could be a scam, so make yourself sure it's not.

 

it's a tough situation there, and you'll need to be a man. good luck.

 

(and having or not the baby is her choice, and her choice only. don't force her to do it just because both were irresponsible and didn't think of the consequences.)

 

Well, I do not think it’s a scam. She later told me the name of the nurse on that clinic, or well just the first name and I checked it out on the internet and there is one nurse with that first name. So that checks up. She tells me that she will meet with the social workers after the first ultra sound. So it sounds reasonable. Then she will tell them everything about her situation. As I said, it checks out. Be she is very confused about all this. She did not even want to talk with a shrink about it. ](*,)

[AronSchneider]

It sounds as though she was trying to get pregnant, and she may have had unprotected sex with a number of guys while assessing which one would be best to pin it on.

 

Two things; an STD test for you, immediately. Then a lawyer. The lawyer should insist on a paternity test as soon as it's possible to perform one.

 

For your own head, don't play victim. It's not productive. Learn from this, instead.

 

In your corner.

 

Well, a lawyer can’t do much about this, this not America. A paternity test will be done after the child is born. If I’m not there and sign they will send me a letter asking me to sign it, then I can say that I will do a paternity test. That’s it. Well, it may be so that she is was very in loved with me. She dated “old men” before me. She is 28, turning 29 and I’m turning 24 soon. So maybe I was a catch...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You need to make it clear to her that just because you got pregnant, it doesn't mean you'll have a relationship with her. Some women try to use pregnancy as a way to trap a guy into a relationship, and they will use the pregnancy as bait, and if it is clear the guy won't have them, then they are more likely to either put the baby up for adoption or have an abortion.

 

Please do not make the mistake of sleeping with her again, since it sounds like you never wanted a relationship with her, and the more time you spend with her the higher up her hopes get on that front.

 

I would just tell her that when the baby is born you will agree to a paternity test, but as far as you being involved in her own life, that isn't going to happen.

[AronSchneider]

Our last conversation

 

Me: Do you want to go and see a social worker, psychiatrist or a lawyer? We need some kind of help, if you do not want to do an abortion.

Her: No, the nurses at the clinic will help me out when the time is right

Me: Are you sure?

Her: No

Me: Do you have a plan if you don’t get the help you need?

Her: Yes, I will save 1000 dollars (7000 kronor) until the child is born and the child can breastfeed for a couple of months.

Me: But 1000 dollars is not nearly enough, maybe you can survive one month on that amount, how will you pay for dippers, medicine, vaccination, cloths, rent and food. You need a steady income.

Her: I will not trouble my head, I have headache, I think about it when the time comes.

Me: Oh my god...

 

This woman is clearly unfit to be a mother. She is a christian fatalist!

 

She has brittish bachelor's degree in banking and accounting. Its only in englishspeaking countries that education is worth something. If you cannot the language here you will clean McDonalds for the rest of your life. I really, really wonder what the nurses on that clinic is thinking if she comes with this kind of things to them.

[ErikT]

So the state demands a paternity test. If you are or are not the father, you will know when the child is born.

 

If you are not the father, than as sad is it sounds, it is not your concern about if she is fit to be a mother.

 

If it is your child, than you need to do what ever you can to make sure he/she doesn't grow up in the ghetto. If that means two or three jobs, etc so be it.

 

If we go with the assumption that the baby is yours: If the mother is truly "unfit" what are the Swedish laws regarding the father having custody? Yes it would turn you life totally around, but you will be surprised at the joy a child can bring you...

 

Can't a paternity test be done before the baby is born during amniocentesis or one of the other tests?

[AronSchneider]

I’m pretty sure that I’m the father. I’m 100 percent positive. I cannot work three jobs in the same time. It’s impossible; I have a bachelor’s degree and I will regardless of what happens continue with my Masters. It’s my only chance to get a job out of my political science degree. Sure I can continue on a teaching program but it’s pretty much impossible to get a high school teacher job. Sweden has an “unofficial” unemployment rate of 15-20 percent. This is not America, were you just can start working McDonalds. My friend took his double bachelor degree in political science and political economics and he works as a salesperson. A job anyone with a bloody high School degree can get.

 

The Swedish laws are clear, if the mother is unfit to take care of the child, the custody goes to me. But I’m also pretty unfit. Sure, I have parents that earn pretty much money but they are fed up with me. A couple of days ago I lost my glasses on the community train. That is 700 dollars right out the window. I bought them less than a month ago. I’m in deep economical trouble right now and because of these events, I have not studied so much and have some assignments I need to hand in before I get my student loans and student grants for this term.

 

I need to have a break from all this. I need some room to breathe. This comes in a very, very bad time.

[HeartGoesOn]

If this baby is yours, the bottom line is that you have to support (him, or her).

 

In spite of the fact that you're "not ready to be a Dad, and your life will be turned upside down", this is a result of choosing to have sex without thinking of what the consequences may be if a pregnancy should occur. If you're responsible enough to have sex, you have to be responsible enough to deal with that kind of outcome.

[AronSchneider]

If this baby is yours, the bottom line is that you have to support (him, or her).

 

In spite of the fact that you're "not ready to be a Dad, and your life will be turned upside down", this is a result of choosing to have sex without thinking of what the consequences may be if a pregnancy should occur. If you're responsible enough to have sex, you have to be responsible enough to deal with that kind of outcome.

 

The most responsible is to make an abortion. Its so easy to say "Oh, take your responsibility" when you have never been there. Im not thinking just for myself. We can not have a child, period! If I was older and made money, this would maybe work but now its impossible...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Just recognize that you cannot make her do what she doesn't want to do. But she also can't make you support her child until the child is born which is a long way away.

 

I think you need to make your position clear, that you don't want to be a father now, and think that abortion is the best solution since neither of you is in a position to care for a child properly, then just back off. Tell her to contact you again when the baby is born and you will take a paternity test then and both go from there. If she is really angling for a package deal (i.e., to have you AND the baby), then you need to make it very clear that you don't intend to be around being her boyfriend or taking care of her and the baby other than what the law requires (i.e., don't get her hopes up that if she has the baby, you will be an active participant in her life).

 

when the baby is born, then you can work on a plan to deal with it. if she is an unfit mother, then you can go to the social workers yourself and have them open a case to get the baby taken care of.

[Hope75]

This is where support from you comes in. If this is your child you will be paying child support to help support the cost of daycare, diapers, medical care, formula, clothing, etc.

[Hope75]

The most responsible is to make an abortion. Its so easy to say "Oh, take your responsibility" when you have never been there. Im not thinking just for myself. We can not have a child, period! If I was older and made money, this would maybe work but now its impossible...

 

 

These were all things you should have thought of before having sex with this woman. As a consenting adult you are more than aware that one of the consequences of sex is pregnancy- and to expect the woman to abort simply because you are not ready is unfair. There is a life here, a baby, one that she cares about and values, even if you do not. You have never been pregnant nor will you ever be, and to carry a life inside you and have someone telling you to terminate it because it will be a major inconvenience to them is not something you can relate to.

 

It's one thing if you were talking about planning future children and then your points might have more standing, but the child is already conceived, already living inside her, it's a bit late for those kinds of arguments now.

 

The bottom line is the baby is here, and she is choosing to keep it, and it is her body and her choice ultimately. And now, it's your responsibility too.

[catfeeder]

I still think she wanted sex without a condom because she may have been pregnant already. I wouldn't give this 100% buy-in. Something is up.

[ErikT]

The most responsible is to make an abortion. Its so easy to say "Oh, take your responsibility" when you have never been there. Im not thinking just for myself. We can not have a child, period! If I was older and made money, this would maybe work but now its impossible...

 

You do not "make an abortion" you kill a child...(I'm sure this was just a language opps, but it serves a valid point!)

 

 

She has brittish bachelor's degree in banking and accounting. Its only in englishspeaking countries that education is worth something. If you cannot the language here you will clean McDonalds for the rest of your life. I really, really wonder what the nurses on that clinic is thinking if she comes with this kind of things to them.

 

Can she not go back home? Why does she have to stay in Sweden?

 

It’s impossible; I have a bachelor’s degree and I will regardless of what happens continue with my Masters. It’s my only chance to get a job out of my political science degree. Sure I can continue on a teaching program but it’s pretty much impossible to get a high school teacher job. Sweden has an “unofficial” unemployment rate of 15-20 percent. This is not America, were you just can start working McDonalds. My friend took his double bachelor degree in political science and political economics and he works as a salesperson. A job anyone with a bloody high School degree can get.

 

And that statement shows how you are NOT accepting your responsability. If, when this child comes, you have to put your Masters on hold, so be it. It is not just your future you have to worry about now. It is the future of YOUR son or daughter.

 

The Swedish laws are clear, if the mother is unfit to take care of the child, the custody goes to me. But I’m also pretty unfit. Sure, I have parents that earn pretty much money but they are fed up with me. A couple of days ago I lost my glasses on the community train. That is 700 dollars right out the window. I bought them less than a month ago. I’m in deep economical trouble right now and because of these events, I have not studied so much and have some assignments I need to hand in before I get my student loans and student grants for this term.

 

What has your parents (the baby's grandparents) had to say about the situation?

 

I need to have a break from all this. I need some room to breathe. This comes in a very, very bad time.

 

Yes, there are times at night when my 1 year old is screaming bloody murder, puking up a storm, and my daughter is throwing a temper tantrum that I too need a break and breathing room. Unfortunately, reality sometimes sucks. You need to do what is right for your child...not you and not the mother...the child.