Clementine orange Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Am I being one? Me: quit smoking or else we break up Her: oh man not this again, yeah, yeah, yeah. The facts: 1.) When we met, she didn't smoke, she relapsed about a month into the relationship (which is 7 months or so old now) She re-started gradually - one here and there so it didn't really bother me much but now she's back up to a pack a day. 2.) I'm a reformed smoker and went through hell to kick the habit and took several tries to succeed and don't really need the temptation of them being so available all the time. 3.) I'm not one of those self-rightious ex-smokers, I totally understand addictions, it doesn't overly repulse me if it's strangers or (for example) I have to walk thru a crowd of smokers standing ourside the pub or something - that's a very minor annoyance. I just don't want to kiss, cuddle or be with someone who is a smoker. 4.) I've been supportive and helful, but now it's morphed into picking and nagging at her. I just don't think I want to do this anymore. It's possible I don't love her enough to get past this. I'm totally into healthy living and all that - smoking doesn't really "fit" well with me. Link to comment
melrich Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Sometimes we have non-negotiables. Sounds to me that if you keep the relationship going and she keeps smoking then this is just going to get worse for you and the relationship is going to implode anyway. I think your ultimatum is reasonable in that context but YOU have to be willing to go through with it. Otherwise don't make it. Link to comment
george237 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Nope not a jerk at all. I used to be a smoker as well and the smell on the clothes, hands, breath, and hair is disgusting. I would do the same thing. Ensure her that she can do it and you understand how tuff it will be. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 She clearly doesn't want to quit this habit. If you can't deal with it, then you need to move on. I think otherwise it will just progress and make it worse and will end up destroying the relationship regardless. Dangling the 'break up' line does get old. If she wanted to really quit, she would have. She doesn't feel threatened by that line. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 If you don't want to be with a smoker and she isn't willing to quit for you then i'd leave the relationship. Smoking is a big deal to me, I can't stand anyone to smoke around me especially the person I am in a relationship with and care about. I was willing to leave my ex because he smoked and wouldn't give it up for neither me nor his children. The fact that you love and care about her makes it hard to just 'get over it'. It isn't like you are asking her to give up her best friend or something else just to be a jerk you are asking her to give up something that is killing her. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think it's fine as long as you approach it in a way that YOU have to choose whether you'll put up with that or not, instead of HER having to choose you over smoking. Does that make sense? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think it's fine as long as you approach it in a way that YOU have to choose whether you'll put up with that or not, instead of HER having to choose smoking over you. Does that make sense? I agree with this. I think, in the end, she may resent you for the ultimatum, even if she does quit smoking. Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think it's fine as long as you approach it in a way that YOU have to choose whether you'll put up with that or not, instead of HER having to choose smoking over you. Does that make sense? Yes, that does make sense actually - it's fairer that way. I wouldn't have _started_ dating her if I known she was a smoker (or would start or whatever). I'm kind of extra "fierce" about this because I'm a little worried about a relapse myself. As any ex-smoker can testify - it's easy to quit but tougher to _stay_ quit. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Yes, that does make sense actually - it's fairer that way. I wouldn't have _started_ dating her if I known she was a smoker (or would start or whatever). I'm kind of extra "fierce" about this because I'm a little worried about a relapse myself. As any ex-smoker can testify - it's easy to quit but tougher to _stay_ quit. My ex was a smoker when we met. But she was in the process of 'quitting' and it took her over a year. And she still smokes socially sometimes. So, I've learned that even if someone wants to quit doesn't mean it'll happen right away or at all. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Wanting to be with a non smoker= not a jerk Telling her to choose you or the smoking = not a jerk but not a good idea. Just like when you quit, you did for yourself and that is how you did it. If someone forced you it wouldn't have been genuine. It seems she has made her choice. She is willing to loose you so she can continue smoking. Perhaps it is time for you to make your choice. lost Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.